Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I go hard in the paint.

I attempted fabulosity over the course of multiple weekends.  Shiny black mediocrity ensued.  So let's paint some furniture: Saucy style!  Now in 39 easy steps!  Ha-cha-cha-cha! *wiggles top hat*

Step 1: Buy an ugly china cabinet for your dining room that only slightly meets your needs and let it sit in storage for over a year.  This step is essential to the start of any DIY project as the constant procrastination compounds the levels of self-loathing into volcanic proportions until one day after stepping around said unit in storage for the thousandth time you spew hot lava of "omigawd I can't take this anymore!" all over your boxes of Christmas decorations and decide to just paint the damn thing already. 

I know it's hard to actually see the cabinet in the sea of brown but I assure you it's in here.  And yes, this is my storage room (you might remember as the "train" room) and yes that paneling is fake.  It's hard to tell, I know.   Behind me is a hoarder-style mound of boxes, recycling, craft boxes and shit I keep tripping over until I spew hot lava all over it too.

Oh ugly cabinet, I will make thee black and it will be good.  Or mediocre.  It's cool either way because I just need some furniture in my dining room.

Step 2: Clean off a year's worth of pet hair and cobwebs.  Or don't.  Maybe you like texture. I don't judge.  I'm lazy and hate cleaning so I just lightly sand everything because it's faster.  Of course then I have to clean up after the sanding... maybe this was a terrible idea?!!!!  Fuck it.  I'm halfway done already.  

Step 3: Remove glass and hardware.  Except for hinges.  I'm painting over that shit and y'all can deal with it.  I'm hoping the paint will just chip off there anyway.

Step 4: Be so proud of actually starting project step back and admire all your work.  For a week.  You need some time to decide what primer to use.  The internet is no help because nobody wants to help a madame out and I keep getting distracted by internet fabulosity.  Buy a primer.  Realize it doesn't give you the vibe that you wanted.  Return it for a different primer - in this case Zinsser something or another.  It feels better.  Discover there is an even better one for furniture with shellac but I can't go back to Ace again.  It's getting embarrassing.  

Step 5: Shit's gettin real, yo.  It's about time to actually DO something to this shitty cabinet!  Prime this mutha like it's dying of primer thirst and then marvel at transformed state of cabinet and the awesome power of you. 

Step 6: Realize you need a second coat.  Shit.

Step 7: Sand.  Wipe clean until chalky smooth like an angel baby's ass.  Start to paint 2nd coat and realize you did not wipe down enough and primer dust is just being spread around everywhere.  Wipe clean.  Again.  Is someone burning coal in my storage room?  Christ.  

Step 8: Wipe clean until you think you're safe and then wipe clean 2 more times until you are sure you are going absolutely crazy.  You might actually be going crazy because what does nasty primer dust do to your insides when you inhale a lot of it?!  *cough*

Step 9: Google lung diseases, symptoms of tuberculosis and death by DIY.  I think I'm in the clear.  But I should check in on what's new at Pinterest while I'm on the internet anyway.  

Step 10: Emerge from internet stupor four hours later.

Step 11: Repeat steps 7-10 until cabinet is sufficiently primed.

Dropcloths are for pussies.

Don't forget to pay close attention to the details!  
It's very important.

Step 12: The cabinet, sitting around in its undies, is dying for real clothes.  But first spend a week debating the pros and cons of latex vs. oil paints.  Finally decide on oil because this is a real piece of furniture and not something you picked up off the side of the road you can spray paint with leftover cans from your garage.  This is legit.  You purchased it at a REAL junk store and made your friends drive down to Hotlanta to pick it up with you while you rode bitch in the middle of the truck straddling the gear shift.  You can't quit now.  You committed.

Step 13: In conjunction with Step 12 you should consult your Benjamin Moore fandeck for the exact shade of black you want.  Briefly debate something crazy like corral or some shit like that - smack self around back to reality.  Spend next several days debating over 12 different blacks that all look exactly the same to everyone else but you.  Sleep with fandeck.  You can try dry humping it but results are hazy.  Finally decide on Velvet Midnight Surprise.  Go to store only to discover that the Ace where they have Benjamin Moore paints no longer sells oil paints.  NO OIL MAKE MADAME ANGRY.  

Step 14: Throw temper tantrum and reduce teenage red shirt to hiccuping tears.  (Or maybe that was me...)

Step 15: Go to the nearby Sherwin Williams.  They have ONE black.  This scares me being that I excel at indecision and don't like someone making the right choice for me unless I suffer for it first.  Stare hopelessly at SW wall of limited colors wishing for more until the guy decides to turn down the Michael W. Smith and see if I'm homeless or high or both.  I can't tell if he's cross-eyed, horny or terrified because he can smell the blood of Ace Hardware employees on me but I am somehow able to learn that they have an enamel that's great for furniture.  It comes in black, red and white.  No Velvet Midnight Surprise?  *gulp*  

Step 16: Buy can of black.  It says it covers up to 80 sq feet.  I'm skeptical but optimistic.

Step 17: Start to paint inky black goodness and watch as cabinet transforms beneath my expert strokes.  Applaud self for DIY super powers.  

Step 18: Reward self with glass of wine.

Step 19: Return and paint for 15 minutes before wishing project was OVER BY NOW!!!!!  Omigawd UGH!  DIY takes fucking forever.  Force self to finish rest of cabinet and curse every detail on that collects paint drips.  

Step 20: Curse current state of bank account and high price of storage pieces that require my current project.  

Step 21: Curse economy.  

Step 22: Curse HGTV.  Everything is their fault anyway.

Step 23: Go comment on HateGTV forum.  Avoid Pinterest because I don't have fours to waste!  Get distracted by tumblr.  Emerge from internet abyss three days later hungry, horny and cross-eyed.  Finish painting cabinet.  What month is it?    

Step 24: Realize 2nd coat is needed.  Shit.  How many fucking coats does this shitty cabinet need???!!  Decide to let paint cure because it's enamel and that sounds like a smart thing to do.  Also, I'm high from the fumes and need a sandwich.  Also, I've run out of paint.  80 square feet my ass.  

Step 25: Return to Sherwin Williams. Battle weirdo for another can. 

Step 26: Nap.  A lot. 

Step 27: Return a week later.  Slop on 2nd coat because I want to die.  Switch from happy dance mix to Waka Flocka Pandora station because I need to go hard in the motherfuckin paint and bust this cabinet out. POP POP POP POP.  (That's a Waka reference that only I think is funny.) 

Step 28: Take a break to clean house.  Somehow paint is being secretly transported by my body and appearing all over the house.  I've cleaned oil paint off of couch cushions, doorknobs, the floors and maybe a cat...  That one was totally her fault though.  

Step 29: Chastise self for slopping on 2nd coat because with high gloss I can see every brush stroke and forgotten drip.  But I don't care because this shit is done and looking good y'all!  I fucking love painting furniture and DIY shit!  I CAN'T WAIT TO DO MORE!!!  

Step 30: Bribe friendly dudes with wine and hugs to move cabinet into freshly painted Elephant Tusk dining room.  
Step 31: Squee in relief.  I painted a thing, y'all!  And it's nice.  Real nice. (Nice is a relative term.)  But we ain't done yet!

Step 32: Admire new knobs purchased from Anthro months ago just waiting for their new home.

Step 33: Put on new knobs.

Step 34: Realize knobs look like ass.  Put ugly knobs in pile of things mom would really like because it came from Anthropologie even though she doesn't know what it is nor has ever stepped foot in a store.

Step 35: Put old hardware back on.  

Step 36: Accept defeat regarding hardware.

Step 37: Notice paint already chipping off hinges.  High five self for ingenuity and laziness!

Step 38: Admire shininess and hard-ass motherfuckin enamel paint.  Sigh...  Good choice, Madame.

Step 39: Drink celebratory bottle of pomegranate vodka.  Get lost in orgy of Pinterest and tumblr while moderating HateGTV forum until pass out from fabulosity and liver failure.  Or the paint fumes finally do you in.

Next, we style!  


  1. Exhausted just reading this. Am rewarding self with glass of wine. But it looks fab, and I personally love the old hardware.

  2. I'm so fucking wordy sometimes. But thanks! The old hardware is growing on me and by growing I mean I don't really feel like changing it.

  3. Amazing what we can accomplish in a short period of time, when we put our minds to it! I now feel pressure to finish a table I started work on about a year ago. I'm getting started, as soon as I finish stalk trolling the Twitterverse...

  4. The project just seemed to fly by! Good luck with your table - as soon as you're done tweeting, pinning, tumblring, youtubing and napping for the next 3 weeks...

  5. I like that I've no sense of how much time each step actually took. That's the reality of DIY. Step 23 was exceptionally funny : )

    As an architect, I've learned (the hard way) to NEVER open a wall unless I've time enough to fix all of the problems that are inevitably hidden inside.


  6. I can't tell you actual time but roughly 80% was inspiration, 3% perspiration, 12% distraction, 4% sandwich time, 6% internet adventures.

    Ah yes, don't forget to include the fuck-up factor in your calculations. And know where to shut off the water in a hurry.

  7. Realize knobs look like ass. Put ugly knobs in pile of things mom would really like because it came from Anthropologie even though she doesn't know what it is nor has ever stepped foot in a store- awesome, funny shit.

    you have more patience then I do. Old knobs are not that bad but if they were gold they would be even better. I like gold, just saying.

  8. I would love something gold or kinda brassy but haven't had time to shop for it yet. But it'll get that way eventually!!

  9. Ha! Step 9 reminds me of when, in a moment of oh-my-god-I-am-not-a-hoarder cleaning madness, I was sweeping mouse droppings off the shelves in the potting shed out back. A huge cloud of rat shit dust was swirling up my nostrils when a quiet, little bubble of a thought floated up in the far recesses of my mind. "Wait, isn't there something bad about rat shit when it's in the air?" ... *processing* *processing* *processing* "...HOLY SHIT! HANTA VIRUS!!!" I dashed in to Google and read that there is no cure for Hanta Virus and that death usually happens two weeks after the onset of symptoms. I jump in the shower to try to wash it all away while panicking hard-core and contemplating the final two weeks of my life. Then, my husband walks into the bathroom to say that there had never been a reported case in Tennessee. Whew!

  10. Google has created monsters out of all of us! Damn technology.