Hello darlin', take a peek at my new jewelry drawer!

Let's talk about something that's really important and will bring light into your cold, snowy life:  COSTUME JEWELRY ORGANIZATION!

As we talked about IN 2014 I wanted to organize my mess of jewelry in concordance with my bedroom redo.  It felt right.  I'm adulting one drawer at a time.  

So in true Virgo fashion I began a downward research spiral of all the jewelry organization systems on the market until I wanted to die and then made an impulse decision.

Behold the Ampersand jewelry trays from - wait for it - Bed Bath and Beyond!  I feel so solidly Middle Class!  My 401k immediately gained 3%.  I don't think I've bought anything from BB&B in years but here we are, trying to avoid that one weird dude in a blue apron and all the good candy at the front near the checkout.  

I didn't want something plastic and these looked relatively classy and functional for my needs.  They also needed to stack inside my Malm dresser which is another reason I bought two four-drawer dressers and not one six-drawer.  Swedish space.  It's the ultimate luxury.

Not only did I like BB&B's options best I even signed up for their text alerts to get the 20% off coupon so I could get everything on sale.  I drank the Kool-Aid.  Or more specifically I inhaled that poisonous parfum they pump through their vents.  

I would get a text every few weeks and then head over and add another piece.  It took awhile but I'm not made of money.  I'm made of Cubic Zirconia and bracelets that turn my arm a little green!

The reason I went with this line was because of my bangle collection.  I have a few and if I laid them all down in their own individual compartments I'd need another Malm dresser.  So they needed to stand up like the architecture of jewelry that they are.

This collection had a good deep tray where I could stand everything up and still be able to close my dresser drawer.  [MS sidebar:  when I went to link to the products at BB&B's website I couldn't find this large three-compartment tray so maybe it's only in stores now?  I'm sorry.  That's my luck.]  

But my current setup fits perfectly in my drawer and getting ready is infinitely easier.  I'm like a real adult!

I think I could fit some smaller trays here on the right but for now it's fine with some travel jewelry bags, my sunglasses (all the cool people include them with their jewelry) and a giant bowl of pearls.  I wear them only when I'm feeling extra French vintage soooo... that one Halloween party from 2003.  

I feel like I have a lot of rings but apparently all my new rings (post 2003) have big thick bands and so they don't actually fit in the ring organizer part.  Well, damn.  But I needed those big squares so we had to make a sacrifice.

the basement level contains an even more random assortment of vintage jewelry finds and a real (?) Tiffany box.  Anytime I get too big for my britches I look at the Mr. T chain I got at Goodwill next to it and feel at home once again.

I would like to add more trays for all my earrings because although I aesthetically like looking at this mess of metal I can't actually find shit in here.  Except for my Conway Twitty pin on the middle left.  Best $3 purchase I ever made.

I have one deep tray that's half full on the bottom and is waiting for my Mema's vintage brooch collection as soon as I remember where it is...  

The weird thing is that I felt like I had TONS of jewelry but since it's been organized I feel like it's less than I thought.  So that means I should buy MOAR JEWELRY.

I wish I had this kind of jewelry horde:

Sadly, this seems to be all the way in Texas.

Like an embarrassment of fake riches but in neat orderly boxes.  What a perfect metaphor for my life.

All in all I think I spent about $80 total which was spread out over the course of a couple of months so that's not too bad.

Not only am I an organized and sparkly adult, I'm a financially responsible one!

I bet Conway Twitty liked that kind of woman.

After spending twenty minutes going through Conway Twitty pics and songs I suddenly remembered that my Mema - the same one with lots of costume jewelry I've momentarily replaced - also loved Conway Twitty!  It must be genetic.

This post wrapped up in surprisingly delightful and nostalgic ways!

And if you don't think Slow Hand is the best sexiest song ever then I can't help you.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day with that one.

Everyone else in the country wants to be tied up right now and I'm lusting after the lyrics of old country songs.  

Okay so I DID watch Secretary twice this past weekend because James Spader is JAMES FUCKING SPADER so I'm not afraid of non-vanilla things.  

Sometimes I just prefer things in nicely-lined, imitation-suede boxes.

This post has now gone further down the spiral so I'll stop talking before I drag Trent Reznor into this mess.

Sweet dreams are made of carnivorous greens. FINALLY.

Welcome, welcome, internet friends and strangers, to my inner sanctum where all the magic happens... the sauce flows (??)... the cat gets snuggled.   

Please put on your human-sized condom before you come in.

Sadly, I realized that I "started" this project in FEBRUARY of this year which is pretty embarrassing.  However, it's pretty much looked like this for the past three or four months so blame my poor blogging skillz not necessarily my completion skillz.  Well, you might hate that part too.  It's cool.

It's a fairly small room so I didn't want to get too cluttered or dramatic.  However my initial inspiration was a 'heart of darkness/carnivorous green' vibe which really only makes sense to me.

To refresh, the headboard wall is painted Valspar's Forest Canapy and the rest of the walls are Pantone's Cloud Dancer (see process here).  Dark green was a weird choice I know but after after seven months I still love it.  If you hate it I'm not offended in the slightest.

I thought having an accent wall would feel gimmicky or trendy but it doesn't at all (yet).  This wall is part of the main load bearing wall of the house and having a dark color on it feels kinda grounding.  I'm actually going to paint the rest of the hallway this wall connects to the same color as well.  Does this sound like I'm justifying an accent wall?  Maybe.   

Cohesion is my goal for 2015.

Also, this room gets great morning sun so having the rest of the white walls makes the whole space feel really open and airy.  Like you're almost DANCING IN THE CLOUDS. Eh...?!  EH...?! *eyebrow wiggle*

Someone previously asked me about the texture of my walls which after being painted blackish green now resembles avocado skin:

Or pimples?

This is ONE coat of FLAT paint.  I can't think of a reason to ever use flat paint (vandalism?) but in this case I still get a lot of reflection from the wall texture while still having it feel velvety (not chalky) which is what I wanted.  Mission accomplished.

The opposite side of the room from the entrance is entirely closet space which seems like a great idea until you try to actually use them.  Fun fact: when I moved in the back of each door and the wall in between was covered in mirrors and a light installed above them to make a sort of threeway mirror "dressing room" when you open the doors.  

I can't decide if that's totally fucking weird or totally fucking smart...

Does a boring nun live here?

This room was also covered in a dirty beige paint color (in part due to nicotine stains) and a country blue duck wallpaper border that took weeks to clean off thanks to the avocado skin wall texture.  I also removed an ugly ceiling fan sticky with cigarette filth.  Unfortunately, the ceiling fan was actually holding up the ceiling and the heavy plaster began to sag and slowly collapse.  I held it up with a ladder and stacks of magazines while I lived in the guest room. 

Eventually I was able to have one of them fancy sheetrock ceilings put in so I wouldn't die from a plaster avalanche.  Ah, the joys of home improvement.

Castle print courtesy of an antique store and a vintage science illustration in a Ribba frame all from my large treasure closet (horde) of goodies.

Ignore the white streak, it's a bitch and a half to remove.

The hamper is a vintage African woven basket I got at a local antique mall for about $50.  A sound investment, I say.  Curtains are IKEA's Vivan sheers and the grey side panels are Aina.  I cannot say how grateful I feel that IKEA now has white curtain rods AND curtain hooks that work in all of their curtains.   Really classin' the joint up.  I'm not really a big fan of puddling curtains but I'm even less a fan of hemming ten panels so here we are.

Fortunately I have an entire wall of windows opposite my bed.  Even better is that I have a low roof over my patio and a privacy fence beyond that because I never close the sheers when I change.  If my neighbors see anything it's their own fault that they will have to deal with in their own nightmares.  

But I do have a nice patio view which I try to not enjoy while topless.  Too often...

Charlemagne loves to hang out in the herb garden.

Back inside it's less colorful but still just as much IKEA.  I'm soooo glad I went with the two side-by-side 4 drawer Malms.  I use every single one of the drawers and the height is perfect.   

I had dreams of making wooden handles through a local craftsmen because I do rather hate the ergonomics of pulling out these drawers but kinda ran out of money and inclination.  Sometimes when you try to class up IKEA too much it's like putting lipstick on a Swedish pig.  

Maybe small leather pulls?  I'll probably get around to doing that when I hem the curtains... 

Hey remember when I tried to get a vintage lamp fixed but could never get to the lighting store because they kept Christian hours?  Well that still is true.  I found this navy one at a discount store cuz I thought it would coordinate and balance the dark green wall.  I then took it to Target to get a shade only to realize it was actually a Target lamp.  Which I apparently got for about $7 cheaper at the discount store.  Obviously my bargain hunting skills are unprecedented.

The mirror came from my mom's basement and included some angel stickers I had to scrape off.  Guess that means I'm no longer blessed when I look in the mirror.  EXCEPT BY MY OWN STUNNING VISAGE.

The horns I found at an estate sale for cheap.  Those are always the best places for weird shit because the usual demographic steers clear of dead things.  I always get a few "ew" remarks when I'm in line.  Well, look at them now, judgey grandmas!  It's great to stand at the mirror and feel like you're playing a game of chicken with a dead animal.

Besides, the horns are slightly lopsided in the exact way my boobs are so it was meant to be.  A friendly reminder from Jeebus every morning that I'm special (or that my deformed corpse might be hung on someone's wall over cheap furniture when I'm dead?).

Um... here is a collection of things.  That's about it.  Trying to not clutter up my dresser top too much because I'm a clutter lover by nature. 

This succulent is an Ox Tongue - a low light plant that's lasted six months so far so I'd say it's a survivor.

Over here we have a Jade snake plant and a pothos variety called N' joy (I think).  Fun fact: that's also the name of a line of sex toys which called for much smirking when I bought it from the hippies at the market.   Both also going strong.  The plants not the sex toys.

I tried a Calathea but it didn't fare so well.  RIP, little jungle guy.  You were loved for your brief stay here at the Ranch.

The big white rectangle is actually, well, it IS a big white rectangle but it's really there as a 'study of texture.'  *makes gagging noise at myself*

It was actually a shirt that I accidentally ripped open one day while trying to walk through my front door (I swear I wasn't drunk).  I really liked the fat embroidery so I cut out the center medallion and added some decorative trim at the top and bottom from the sleeves and taped it all together with duct tape.  Why am I not a Pinterest superstar?

As "art" it's about as interesting as a bowl of milky rice covered in zzzzzzz but it fills the space without distracting me from staring at my own GLORIOUS VISAGE when I'm looking in the mirror playing chicken with the horn god.

My fave necklace needed a special place for display and easy access.  

Overall I'm fairly pleased with how the room feels right now.  It ain't winning any awards but it's surprisingly close to my mood board.  Most importantly it's very peaceful and quiet which is what I wanted most.  It's not 100% where I'd like it - maybe a new lamp, more emerald and green accents, different art, FUR EVERYWHERE - but everything is always in progress and those things can happen organically later.  

Sometimes I just get tired of spending money on a project and want to move on.  Besides, Christmas is practically tomorrow and I have ten jizzillion other projects to tackle.

And by tackle I mean 'glitter.'  

I... made some collages of details.  Can't decide if that's narcissistic or just being a Virgo.  Besides, it never hurts to give Mr. Moroccan pillow some additional time in the spotlight.  Nightstand is BM's Collinwood if you remember.

Really I just wanted my little piece of amethyst to get some special time in the light.

Mostly-dead air plant did NOT get his time in the spotlight for obvious, mostly-dead reasons.

And although keeping a simple room means I tend to keep it cleaner, my nightstand does look like this fairly often:

Just keeping it real with y'all.

And I'm not exactly sure about the overall cost of everything but I think the total was about $800.  That seems like a lot of money considering what we just looked at but it includes all the paint for the walls and nightstand, two dressers and glass top, all new curtains and hardware, the rug, two lamps, a bedskirt, two new shams and bed pillows (it was time), the hamper and the DIY headboard.  Everything else I already had or was repurposed from things I already had.

Actually now that I list it all that seems like a lot for a little, yes?  

Just imagine what I could have done with A THOUSAND DOLLARS!  

Stay tuned in 2017 when I finally get my hallway painted the same shade of carnivorous green!  Just in time to change my bedroom color...

Sweet dreams.

Welcome to my half-finished bedroom, perverts.

Ok I'm finally over my Fireball hangover (just kidding I'm still drunk) so I was able to get a few pics of my bedroom for you.

Honestly, it's kinda weird to show a bunch of "virtual" strangers on the internet my bedroom so, just... yeah...  It's awkward the age we live in is all I'm saying.  I'm pretty sure I have real life friends that have never even stepped foot in my bedroom in the entire decade I've known them.  It's a private space.  But I only have ten or twenty readers so I guess it's cool.

So here's the magic headboard in its real home!

Headbort.  Yes, it's a little wide but I'm getting a new mattress in the near future so it'll work out fine.  But I'm really enjoying how it took my lounging from "college skank" to "luxurious hotel customer" in one (pseudo-easy) DIY.

And shout out to beautiful Moroccan pillow looking all cute and beige and sequiny up there.  I want to add about a thousand more white pillows up there to give it a home in the clouds.

To answer your question, YES I do make my bed every day.  Most days.  Almost all most days.  Having a nicer space with prettier things does make me more inclined to treat it as such.  It's what I do while I'm brushing my teeth in the morning and contemplating life and how delicious bagels are.

Yes, I scooted the headboard over to get the full effect.

I've used Mr. $3 Nightstand for a few weeks and really dig him.  He fits A LOT of face creams in there and is a good height.  Still exceptionally happy with the color and gloss factor.

Can't remember if I blogged the lamp or just instagrammed it but Mr. $20 Brass Lamp is very sexy and shiny and we are good bedtime friends.

Despite what you might think of me *cough* I'm not really feeling too fancy about styling up the nightstand surface too much.  Just enjoying my trinket box full of SECRETS and a piece of crystal that I got at a flea market.  I believe it was more than double the price of the nightstand so... make of that what you will.

On the dresser on the other wall is what I've been playing with lately:

Look at these sweet babies...  I really wanted some real live plants up in this dream chamber to freshen up the space and to continue with the *ahem* jungle "backstory/theme" that only I care about.  

I'm happy to inform you that all are STILL alive and currently the only thing on my dresser top.  I'm really loving this minimal thing right now.  

The far left is a sansevieria trifasciata or what we commonly call a snake plant and is a modern home must-have.  I had no idea it was was a snake plant when I bought it because they used the real name and the leaf coloration was different.  So far it's doing good although needs to be repotted.

On the right is a Calathea "Medallion" and I really hope it makes it.  It's struggling.  Well, I'm struggling with it.  The leaves change positions on me all the time and I was not given the Rosetta Stone for Calathea when I bought it so I can't decipher what it's trying to tell me.  

This little guy is an ox tongue (Gasteria?) and also needs to be repotted because it's outgrown its current home.  Honestly, I just have a thing for brass containers with feet so I'm having a hard time letting this setup go.

I did a fair amount of research for low light houseplants and these are the ones I thought looked most "bedroomy."  Some plants need to stay in the living room and I'm not sure why that is but it just is.  If you have any low light plants you'd recommend holler at me!

Last but not least is lighting!

I've had this lamp for ages but it needs some love.  It's white and brassy and I dig it but it's also broken and I can't find a shade for the life of me.  Thus the problem with buying vintage lamps.  And yet I CAN'T STOP DOING IT.  

The ONLY lamp repair shop in town is not open late or on weekends (because Jesus) so I have to literally take vacation time from work to go buy a shade and have it fixed so needless to say it keeps getting put off.  I thought Jesus was down for me getting errands run on Saturday but I was wrong about him.  YET AGAIN.

In addition to above fixes I also want to acquire a gnarly wood bench, some art and am possibly going to paint that mirror white or grey.  That wood frame is jarring me and I need to look at my reflection and pretend I'm floating in a cloud.

I know it seems like bedroom reSaucification is taking forever but I'm totally fine with it.  My heart's happy and my wallet's empty for now so we'll all cope together.

Now, please stay out of my bedroom until next time, perverts!

Oversized headboards: Looming As I Wanna Be

Because I'm a completely rational and sane person, I started to feel bad about hating on oversized headboards earlier.  I mean, they're just there living their very tall bedroom lives and then some loud blonde lady has to get up in their long faces and shame them.  They can't help it, they were born this way.

Here

So let's celebrate the misshapen existence of these grotesque excuses for bedroom furniture because we all deserve to live in dignity.

Here

And frankly, headboards see a lot of terrible, unnatural, straight-from-the-bowels-of-kinky-hell kind of shit that no one else sees so I think they should get a pass and look as looming as they want.

That's their next album, "Looming As I Wanna Be."

Or "Sorry You Cry Yourself To Sleep Every Night, Madame."

Or "Top Heavy 4 Eva."

Or "If You Put That In Your Butt, You WILL Have To Go To the ER."

Look for them on iTunes in the Fall.

Here

These fuckers are large and in charge and know all your filthiest secrets so we better respect them.

Here

You know, maybe I've been too harsh.  I mean, this handsome fellow just needed the proper styling with his BFF Mr. Tall Mirror and combined with that sexy lamp they have a nice threeway of interesting and flattering proportion going on there.

See?  I'm not such a monster after all.

Also, I'm backpedaling because I kinda wish my headboard was 54" tall rather than 56."  Oh well, that's what I get for scientific guesstimation.

I'm not too worried.  I'm getting a new mattress in the next year so it'll fluff it up nicely.

I'll try to post some progress pictures next week.  Several people were like "Thanks but no thanks I don't care about your free-floating headboard."  However, if I post the headboard in place that's like 97% of the bedroom so, you know, I'm trying to do this tease thing.  But then I realize I'm terrible at flirting so fuck it.

Bedroom in yo FACE soon.

Dryer sheets and staples are my new best friends.

I hope you've all been busy knocking out your summer bucket list like I have.  It's been a beauty fest every night, I got some swim time in, got my dirty chai IV drip started and have been stalking Neil deGrasse Tyson.  I've also been building shit the saucy way.  

That way is with no clear direction or skills or hope for a good result...

Things are coming along nicely in that bedroom of mine that I've been talking about for 93849384938493 months now.  This week I upholstered a headboard and all of Pinterest creamed their panties in unison.

After shopping around it seemed like the best deal I could get would be about $200 for a headboard and that's one of those microfiber hellbeds of shame so no thanks, internet shopping.  I have staple gun and an inflated sense of my own ability so I got this.

First up, real fabric.  Guess what? It's beige!  Just a nice simple nubby gold/grey weave I got for about $35.  Nothing fancy.  Although I DID find some hand-stitched wool crewel remnant that was on sale so I was FORCED to buy it as well.  No idea where it's going yet but I feel better giving it a good home. 

THIS is why I'm broke.

Crewel fabric was originally $130 a yard and I got it for $50 so... *high five*

I noticed that my headboard fabric is surprisingly similar to the fabric I covered my couch in a long time ago...  It's just beige everywhere!  

It's like a very bland - YET ELEGANT - spa around here.

Now that the important part was covered (upholstery humor!) I needed to figure out the bones.  My plan was to buy a cheap flat headboard and use it as a frame to screw in my desired shape and height.  Well, lemme school ya that finding such a thing is a lot harder than I initially thought.  

Headboards are everywhere when you don't need them and when you do it's nothing but brass cages of doom and $75 pieces of shit.  But I finally found one for $10.  SOLD!  Then I tried to put it in my car and it was about six inches too tall and no way to get it home. 

They told me by the time I would be able to get a truck it would probably be stolen outside so it was now or never. I then asked to return it and they said nope.  Well, poop buckets.  These people are running our charities, y'all.  I guess my $10 was a donation to their cause.

But THEN I found one at another thrift store for $5.  Suck it, asshole charity!  Or suck it, me, since I didn't think to put it in my car before I paid for it...

That's $15, countless hours of my time and gallons of gas and tears all for this baby.  But at least we could get busy!  As soon as I borrowed a staple gun and watched Orange Is the New Black and mowed the grass and played 2048 for 17 hours.

Fun fact: the genius previous owner of the headboard glued what appears to be fabric softener sheets to the bottom of the legs.  Not only does this protect your floors and makes moving the thing a piece of cake it also just smells really damn nice.  I'm doing it to all my furniture now!

The other supporting characters in this production are:

1. 1/2 inch plywood cut to my desired size free of charge thanks Home Depot.

2. Two-inch thick foam.  It comes in rolls at the craft store.

3. Batting.  Cut the yardage you want at a fabric store.  I splurged for the $6 a yard kind but they do have $3 a yard but you'll want to splurge.

4. Spray paint to cover the legs.

Look I done did a thing!  Legs spray-painted and screwed into the wood to the frame.  We're really rocking and rolling!  

Important thing: you gotta ask yourself some tough questions about how tall you want your headboard.  You gotta know yourself.  Learn yourself.  Sleep with yourself.  Or just totally fucking guess.  I picked a number that was just at the top of where a person's head would touch when sitting on my bed and the average height of some Pottery Barn beds.  That dimension was 56 inches.

What I didn't want was it to end up looking like one of West Elm's headboards...

This proportion sets my teeth on fire.  Maybe you have gigantism of the torso and your top half keeps growing but your legs are stunted nubs.  Maybe you like wearing tall hats when you read at night.  Maybe you just don't give a fuck and love it anyway.  Godspeed, my tall-torso'd friend.

Wanna know something crazy?  That West Elm headboard is 56" tall.  DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?!?!?  DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS RANT??!?!?

Anyway, back to me and some power tools.  I couldn't figure out how to create a smooth surface between where I screwed in the plywood on the back and the front of the headboard.  So I cut up some Styrofoam and made a big gigantic mess in my living room and destroyed my favorite crafting ground protector to make this:

And then I realized I should TURN IT AROUND, YOU BRAINLESS FENCEPOST!  Jesus Christ on a croissant.

Welcome to my world where I only use 10% of my brain about 27% of the time.  

Of course then I had to take the entire thing back outside and spray the back side of the legs because I didn't have the forethought to paint the entire thing the first time.  

Welcome to my world where I'm 127% lazy 100% of the time.

So now that we have the logistics worked out I was ready to soften this fucker up.  It'd already fallen on me once so my already-slow brain needed the extra padding.

I laid the batting on the floor and cut the foam to the shape I needed and laid the headboard on top.  Remember, I'm doing this alone so I only have so many hands.

I would recommend cutting the padding about half and inch bigger than the actual shape it's covering just to make the edges smoother because the foam will squish.  I would probably use a spray adhesive to stick the foam to the wood but I just let gravity work its magic.  Also, I don't want to carry this thing outside anymore.

So now we're here!  And there is STILL styrofoam all over the floor even though I've vacuumed.

And then I remembered I hadn't washed the fabric.  Sigh...  this is why it takes me so long to finish anything. 

Fast forward a day later and shit's on and poppin.  Technically on and staplin.

I wish I had a trick or tip for this part but I don't.  Just make sure the weave is fairly straight then work your way down.  It's way less sexy than it sounds.  Partially because you have a high-powered staple gun in your hands and that doesn't even sound like fun kinky.  

I just did a pseudo hospital corner up top to have as small a crease as possible.  You do you.

But on the bottom things got trickier.  

I was tired and my head hurt from the headboard falling on me again so when I had to wrap the fabric around the legs it soooorta looks like I stapled fabric around a dirty diaper but you can't see it from the front so just deal with it.  

And this is my patented ModernSauce technique.  I call it the DOUBLE RAINBOW of staples followed by the duct tape edge.  The DOUBLE RAINBOW of Staples (TM) actually seems like it would be less stress on the fabric but I'm not a fabric scientist.

Here's the final result! 

Big and beige and flat!  Just what I also dreamed of!  I had to insert some extra pieces of foam if you're wondering why the bottom edge looks weird - I needed a bigger size foam piece but it'll be covered by the mattress anyway.  My spirit can only take so many trips to Hobby Lobby before the Dementors come.

I'm so tired of this being in my living room that I really couldn't get any more/better pictures.  But at least you have process so my work is done for now.  More pictures in situ later.

Even though I complained through the entire process, now that I know how to do it I would totally do it again and recommend it to anyone else too.  The sum of everything was about $110.  I would not recommend skimping on the foam or batting but I bet you could cut corners elsewhere and/or buy cheaper fabric.  

But you can do this!  I believe in you.

I just do not believe in oversized headboards.

I believe in you and proportion and staples and taking the cheap way out.