Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Just an FYI - I want Adam Lambert to sing Amazing Grace at my funeral.

Now that we've got daylight after work and a reason to to open the windows ye olde ModernSauce laptop has been resting a little lately.  Today I decided to come home and begin a little bathroom wallpaper-stripping project that I have completely ignored has haunted me every shower, teeth-brushing and poop for about two years.  Excited by my sudden determination I began slicing through the layers of nicotine, the 80's floral layer, another nicotine layer, then the 60's jungle print layer, a weird wallpaper backing layer mixed with more nicotine and some chipping paint.  It's like a scrapbook of shitty taste and inevitable lung cancer.  

But the weird wallpaper backing layer was giving me pause for thought - it wasn't paper it was a pressed fiber-y layer of weirdness.  And then it hit me.  Fucking asbestos!! Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!  I mean you run into all kinds of dangerous things while renovating a house: old toys and walls with lead paint, disgusting STD-ridden vintage porn in the back of closets, tetanus causing rusty nails, the rat's nest of hantavirus in the attic, pervert plumbers who make you do shameful things when you're short on payment.  Just normal things that a hot shower, a loofah and some bleach can totally take care of.  But no asbestos thus far.  I think that shit is like Kryptonite to my superglam powers.

The agent of my death.
So of course Dr. Google completely confirmed my suspicion that I was going to get cancer and, that's right, MESOTHELIOMA and die!!  I thought I was safe if I didn't paint a wall with chalkboard paint but my resistance was futile.  The fervor in which I de-wallpapered the bathroom completely coated my young tender lungs in deadly fibers.  The internet said to spray water in the air to help with stray floating particles so Charlemagne watched in amusement (it could have been boredom, it's hard to tell with cats) as I frantically spritzed my bathroom and self in water while begging jeebus for my life all while holding my breath.  After the bathroom was completely saturated and Madame Sunday in near dizzy hysterics from lack of oxygen I bagged up all the wallpaper residue with chemical gloves and a hazmat suit (it was just two pairs of yoga pants, a sweatshirt, tennis shoes with socks over them and a makeshift hijab made out of a towel) and threw it all away.  Once you put something in the big trash can outside it just magically disappears just like all my old car batteries, paint cans and dead bodies.   

Proud of my deft handling of the situation I decided that I should flush out all the fibers that were probably trapped in my lungs with a few drinks.  Naturally my wine glass was the closest liquid I could find so I chugged some merlot for a good ten minutes before I realized that your esophagus doesn't lead to your lungs. Under normal circumstances I probably would have figured that out after the first glass but I hadn't taken a deep breath in about twenty minutes to save myself further damage from floating fibers so I may have been hallucinating.  Helloooo I'm not stupid!  

But after I chugged the wine to "clean" myself I realized that I didn't really care one way or another about the asbestos because I was hungry and had to go to Krystal for dinner and drunk dial a few friends.

Moral of the story: HGTV house-flipping bullshit that inspired people across the nation to buy tons of old houses they couldn't afford to renovate them STILL caused autism, cancer and the 2009 recession.   

Monday, March 29, 2010

I should get paid to do this. Minus the Cholera.

As I’m sure you could tell from my previous decorating posts I’m a creative genius regarding decor.  Knowing about my awesome talents one of my best friends, Dr. J, begrudgingly relented begged for some sage advice regarding her guest room.  Dr. J is a lady genius who does something science-related for the government but I don't know what that is because I always fall asleep before she finishes her job description.  I think it's important.  Not as important as blogging obviously.  But gawd help her she can't tell Persimmon from Sienna though.  I know, it's sad right?  Fortunately for her I have a PhD of fabulosity.  That's a Phenomenal Diva.  Before she went off to provide clean drinking water to third world countries or do something something zzzzzzz....huh?   she told me my parameters included an Ikea Hemnes bed, some brown curtains and a psuedo-agreed upon color palette.  Game on bitch.

Now people automatically assume that because of my degree in fabulosity and amazing talent that I immediately judge their homes or will recommend outrageously awesome and expensive  decorating schemes.  Honestly I don't give a shit.   I mean Madame Sunday obviously likes looking at décor porn and getting bitchy about real decorators' shit because these people get paid an ass-ton of money, publish their work in magazines and I'm extremely jealous I love making fun of pretentious assholes.  Once your shit goes public I'm obliged by the laws of Blogland to comment on it.  

But Madame Sunday and Charlemagne don't live in a magazine, we live in the real world where the ModernSauce ranch is in a constant state of upheaval and renovation and I am frequently missing doors, have peeling wallpaper and empty rooms awaiting furniture, or piles of plaster dust in the corners that have totally not been there for three months after I drilled that hole in the wall.  I once had to sleep in my living room on the couch for 6 weeks one time because I didn’t want to make my bed I didn’t have a bedroom ceiling.  Believe me, when I walk into your house I don’t even notice how your walls coordinate with your furniture because I’m more impressed with the fact that you HAVE furniture and wonder how I too could find some seating for guests that’s not a milk crate with a towel folded on top for a cushion.  Also I'm waiting for you to pour me a damn drink already!!

However... if you ask my opinion you can be sure as hell that I have one.  I'll also be happy to give it to you once you get me another drink too.     

Like in this case.  I know that Dr. J wants will end up with something like this which I will still gladly sleep under (with nightmares) the next time I visit but since she "asked" for my help I will buy a plane ticket and fly up to wherever it is that she lives and for all that's sweet and holy I will put her nuts in her mouth if I see this on the bed.  See how that pillow sham matches the bedspread Dr. J?  Nuts.  In.  Your.  Mouth.  But if this is what you end up doing please, for Madame Sunday’s sake, add something green in there and something shiny and/or textural.  A jute ruge.  A nubby ivory throw.  Metallic candlesticks.  A mirror.  Set off some fireworks.  Anything.  But do NOT purchase any of these things at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  You've reached your quota.

In Madame Sunday's head it would look something more like this:
Your dream guest room

Now I have a feeling that Dr. J will never buy a lucite console table or a leopard print toss pillow but this is fake decorating so whatever. But the rug has a non-linear pattern which Mr. Hemnes needs and it's totally affordable.  So are all the Ikea accents.  You need a C table since this room is minute and your Prius has more floor space.  Throw some mirrors up there to bounce around the light and also because I like to look at myself in multiples.   

But I'm no fool.  Sigh.  I know that this will never happen and within a week the room will look like this: 
Your dream guest room, one week later

Yeah there's a microscope in there because I don't know what the hell scientists do but according to CSI there's usually a microscope involved.  Perhaps you should also consider buying one of these rugs from Bev Hisey I found from If It's Hip, It's Here.  They are the designs of magnified viruses and bacteria and other nastiness.  I figure most people decorate by the season but I guess scientists can decorate around their current work project!

Or you could put one in every room and then refer to each room by that name.  Like "hey that box goes in the HIV room" or "I sleep in the Cholera room".  That sounds exciting AND smart!!  Half of Ikea's product names sound like diseases anyway so I don't think anyone will notice.

Please see Charlemagne to work out all the billing and shipping information.  Madame Sunday accepts American Express black cards, Paypal and excessive (if not unwarranted) praise.  I still have to pay off those Fabulosity School loans.  That PhD ain't cheap.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

This makes me exceedingly happy. And confused...

I think Madame Sunday might be drunk from the copious amounts of sweet tea I drank today or perhaps the dangerously high pollen count has poisoned my brain but I'm feeling exceptionally girly.  Maybe it was all the "southern hospitality" I experienced today in Atlanta.  (It wasn't.  Those big city bitches skimped on my cream cheese this morning and almost ran our car off the road.  Couldn't they see we were watching New Moon while driving?!  Assholes.)  

I like it. A lot.  It's not my usual cuppa tea but it makes Madame Sunday want to put on a floral cotton sun dress with a coordinating cardigan and some bronzer, hop on a vintage bike with a basket on front filled with blossoms and baby bunnies and ride around my neighborhood singing (sweet jesus help me now) Corinne Bailey Rae songs. *deep breath*  I feel sick. *deep breath* Maybe I'm ovulating or something.

Hold me tight internet people.  I'm so scared in this strange new world.

And I think more might follow.  Fortify yourself.

update: original image from Cori Kindred

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Peace up. A-town down.

The ModernSauce team is doing a little travelling to Hotlanta over the next few days.  Madame Sunday can't wait to eat a real bagel, shop at a store that's not Homegoods and see other liberals in their natural habitat.  (FYI I'm totally going to the Atlanta Homegoods - better shit for real y'all!)  While I'm gettin it crunk dirty south style you can pretend you're here too with the vintage Outkast.  

You know you love it.  

And don't forget Jamie Oliver's show that debuts on Friday.  His ADD and mullet make me want to scream but he talks a good game.  I know that I'll be out for margarita night trying to avoid mirrors.  Eating lots of queso.  Whaddya say about that Jamie?

I'm not gonna lie - those corndogs looked good.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

This makes me exceedingly happy.

Hunt Slonem from the Selby
You know he throws one hell of a dinner party.   

Monday, March 22, 2010

(Unicorns + blackheads) / perspective = giant pink snails + tequila

There’s nothing like having a blog that puts a virtual mirror in front your face and shows you every disgusting blackhead of your life.  Usually it’s the kind of blackhead that everybody else can see because they look at you in the daylight but you don't know it's there because you barely look in the mirror in the mornings anymore and have essentially given up on makeup unless it's margarita night or the gays are going to be around.  Meanwhile you're all drunk-sweaty and happy thinking you're normal-sized-pore lady until you pee for the fourth time after that last round of margaritas and stumble into the mirror and catch a close-up of your mug which looks like a methface vomited Morgan Freeman's freckles.  The horror!

Is this what I look like?  Christ on a cracker.
Like I already knew that I get an idea stuck in my glamorous little head sometimes and can’t let go of it until it crawls out bloody and defeated and devoid of any initial joy that it might have inspired.  That’s not crazy that’s just awesome dedication and a desire to understand something in absolute mind-numbing completion. Whether it’s a song I repeat for hours on end (right now it’s Fleet Foxes), an obsession with a color (ahem… green), a tired pun (do you get it? a stiletto is a knife AND a shoe!! Hahahaha!) or even a magical animal I really like to beat a dead horse. (Tee hee! That was another bad pun that alludes the theme of the next paragraph.)

What I didn’t know until this wonderful blog illuminated it for me (and because no one bothered to tell me) was that although I really enjoy a good unicorn reference every now and again, I had no idea that they were such a prominent factor of Madam Sunday's internal dialog until I reviewed some of my previous posts in the light of a dirty bathroom mirror. While I admit I had a unicorn-bordered bedroom when I was 24 8, a collection of unicorn literature (including manuals on how to find unicorns – are you jealous?), a stunning collection of Lisa Frank trapper keepers and  The Last Unicorn on VHS AND Beta I really thought I left all that in the past.

I guess not.

But since unicorns are such a played-out meme now I need to get with the cool kids, use a Biore strip and find another magical species to champion. 




Wait for 'em...



Here they come...



 A dozen 8 ft tall pink plastic snails have invaded Milan.  Designed by the Cracking Art Group the snails represent
"three different metaphors through contemporary art language : the first one is connected to hearing, since the Snail' s spiral reminds us of the human ear ; the second one can be related to living, given that this nice animal carries its home around on its back. The last one, in the end, refers to current technology, since the grafic symbol " @ " ( which is called " snail " in italian language ) is used in computer-mediated communication . Finally, considering the snails are made of recycled plastic, the Cracking Art Group' s project " RE - generation " embodies another important value, sustainability." 
And they're simply Uh-DORable!

They're sweet, friendly and you can ride them just like a horse but at much slower speeds.  Safety first.  Also they're appropriately colored for the fairer sex.  When the snails die you can also make jewelry and crafts from their shells.  Don't forget magical!  Well... only in the Neverending Story but that can cross-apply I guess.    The 36" Tony Duquette version DOES glow from the inside though!  

That's pretty magical if not slightly slimier looking.  Also part of the fantasy is the $20,000 auction price for an original.  You can buy a new reproduction at Baker but they don't list the price and we all know that if you have to ask you can't afford it.  Except in the case of flea markets.

But THESE?!  Not showing up at any flea markets I frequent.  They ARE touring the world though and making a stop in Chicago soon!  I would punch Oprah in the face if she tries to get between me and my new favorite fantasy beast.  I mean unicorns are SOO 80's - glittery, tacky, self-involved high-maintenance (hellooo?? white!) hags.  Snails promote slow food, the importance of listening and thoughtful living while still understanding technology in our world.  What have you done lately unicorns?

My point exactly.

So unicorns you are officially dead to me (except when I watch Legend of course) and I'm replacing you in my fantasies and decor with hot pink snails.  I don’t know why but you either have to decorate with animals or collect them but I’m pretty sure you have to one of the two. It’s required in interiors and design. (uh oh… I feel a cliché coming on)  So I'm totally cool with having these guys around for awhile.  They'll have to duke it out with the octopussies for dominion at the ModernSauce house.  May the best uh... slimy thing win!

It wouldn't hurt if they had one of these though...
That's a magic horn on its head not a big white dildo.  Perverts.
Just sayin.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

I, Madame Sunday, grant thee a delicious pardon.

Ok. Things got a little heated a few days ago and I just want you to know that you’re forgiven. I know you were really excited about the green campaign and got carried away.  It's okay - I understand.  So being the bigger person in this relationship I decided to forgive you of all your sinful ways. But let’s never forget who the HMIC is y’all! (that’s Head Madame In Charge)

Just to prove that all is well and we truly are internet BFFs I’m sending you some virtual cookies courtesy of Natalie’s Killer Cuisine. She always has the most amazing-looking concoctions made of chocolate, sugar, butter and other carb-related ingredients. She has other recipes involving meat and vegetables but those don’t dangerously spike your blood sugar or adequately express my feelings to you like these do.

If it’s possible to lady cream dulce de leche I totally just did.

To make the filling you put an unopened can of sweetened condensed milk in a pan of boiling water for about 4 hours. What. The. Fuck?!  Is that even possible?  I may have found a new level of sugar nirvana where Jesus and Buddha descend from the cloud heavens on the back of a unicorn and present these cookies on a diamond-encrusted tulip table. I have been known to eat spoonfuls of sweetened condensed milk just straight from the can, or poured it on toast, bathed in it, poured it in a pillowcase to cuddle with it, etc.  And Natalie just made it brown-ier and Italian-ier? Jesus and Buddha you guys better save me a seat because I just died and am going back with you to that deeelux apartment in the sky-yy.

Who am I kidding? I’m totally knocking those dudes off and stealing the unicorn to go joyriding while I pour the warm dulce de leche all over my royal body!  But I have no upper body strength so I would probably just weakly girl-punch them with no effect instead of the full-blown ninja assault that I'm imagining in my head.  I’d have to trick them off of the unicorn by using my cunning intellect... I’d point in the distance and be like “Hey is that Glenn Beck* and Richard Gere??” and while they run over to investigate I’d totally sneak off with the unicorn and we’d fly away and play in our cookie dreams. Better luck next time King of Kings and ultimate enlightened one! Suckas.
Yeah.  This is what I did on a Saturday night...  
I drew sad faces on Jesus and Buddha but they ended up looking like bandito mustaches which was really awesome but completely irrelevant to my fantasy.  

But I included in anyway!!
In conclusion: with the help of some delicious cookies all is right between us!  Except if you are a religious icon in which case you're probably pretty mad because I stole your ride and gave you hilarious facial hair.   Might I offer you some delicious cashew cookies to make amends?

*That’s stupid. Glenn Beck is a mormon and I don't think they believe in Jesus the way normal people do. Maybe I should have said Joseph Smith and the Buddha come down from heaven. Yeah that makes much more sense.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

You suck, fake internet friends!

You know people, I really thought we had something here.  Something special.  Sure it was just a little knockaround blog about yurts, vaginas and unicorns but it was OURS.  Our little corner of the internet where we can look at some cool art while also making fun of conservatives at the same time.  I can't think of anything better.

But now all of that is ruined.  You've ruined it!  

I woke up yesterday to this:
Everywhere.  At first I was like "AWESOME!"  The green campaign has finally taken off! Turqoise 15-5519 TCX you are goin DOWN muthafucka!!"  But then it all just seemed a little too much.  Everyone was in on it and wearing their green flashy buttons and dancing around talking in these weird lilting accents.  WTF?  

But then I realized what happened.  You, my so-called internet "friends", went behind my back and organized an entire day dedicated to green without even telling me!!  You thievin bunch of assholes.  I know my idea is amazing but did you not think I would find out about it once it went worldwide?!   

From the fabulous Mrs. Lilien
MADAME SUNDAY started this campaign bitches and nobody even thought to email me or anything and let me know we were wearing green yesterday?!  Not even a quick email, a post-it note, a tweet, a letter tacked to my door with a green hatchet??!!  FUCK YOU internet people!!  I MADE you and this green campaign what it is and so help me Jeebus I'll unmake you!! 

Oh are these your green journals that you probably passed amongst yourselves with fun little green love notes?  I hope y'all get run over by an out-of-control green prius driven by a same sex married couple you bunch of douchebags.

This twelve year old knew about it?  Come ON!  And what's with this pinching thing if someone isn't wearing green?  We are a delusional civilized movement that doesn't resort to violence like some sort of desperate teabagger with a fake theory to prove!

And what about every bar I walked into (just a normal Wednesday pub crawl) was completely decorated with green?  Even the drinks were green!  How did you even do that?  Did you send in a highly specialized team of ninjas during the night to set all this up? 

You know I love ninjas, reptiles AND 80's references!  How could you leave me out??!!  

Even this rabid little fucker was part of the party.  Thanks a lot so-called 'friends'.   I think we could have really used his intensity to terrorize Michelle Bachmann but you had him too busy fucking around with pots and rainbows to be of any use.    He could have been our hero (in a half-shell?) but that dream went down in the sewer because of your drunken greed.

I hope you're happy.  You should think twice next time about playing with things you don't understand and leave the heavy drinking thinking to Madame Sunday and Charlemagne.  

Monday, March 15, 2010

Design Cliche: Balls to the (chalkboard) Wall!

I know you’ve seen it and I hope you also are slapping your forehead in ‘what the fuck!’-itude like I am.  The chalkboard wall. 

Once relegated to your old elementary school and your kids' playrooms, chalkboard walls have now trotted their dusty asses out to dining rooms, offices and kitchens everywhere.  Kill me now…

lost source!  sorry!
Literally – this shit might kill you.  Apparently painters of such walls have conveniently forgotten what it’s like to clean a chalkboard and its erasers a la my third grade.  Or maybe they were born after 1990 and did all of their elementary education on dry erase boards and ipads and think chalkboards are cute and vintage.  Well  writing, erasing and cleaning a chalkboard is a dust storm of epic proportions that covers you and everything in a ten foot radius.  Like your house is a really messy cokehead.  Just imagine how healthy all that dust is when you are constantly inhaling it.  You're not even allowed to use baby powder on a baby anymore for gawd's sake!  I'm pretty sure chalk is just baby powder but made into stick form by adding arsenic and fertilizer and baking it.  If you breathe it in long enough will probably lead to the 'white lung' (the Martha Stewart version of black lung) and something like mesothelioma.  That's what all those late night class action lawsuit commercials are about.

And I'm just going to say something that scientists and editors of Country Living don't want you to know, but there is a direct correlation between the increased number of chalkboard walls (and subsequent dust inhalation) and the rise of autism spectrum disorders.  Yeah it's hard to believe because it's fake but it's completely true.  We need to get Jenny Mcarthy on this.

Just look at this recent "study":

Where X is recent history and Y is the percentage rate of change

Yeah.  I made a fake graph.  What have you done lately?

I think you can see from this entirely accurate graph that the rate of autism spectrum disorders and the rate of douchebags painting walls in chalkboard paint are in direct correlation.  Another interesting statistic is the huge increase in Madame Sunday's alcohol consumption during the previous decade which is inversely proportionate to the use of conventional logic and rational thinking.  I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

Good thing each door front is a chalkboard for maximum dust exposure on all your kitchen appliances and utensils.  Like your cabinets has been spewing hot volcanic chalk ash over all your kitchen like a 2010 Pompeii.  However on a good note if you are one of the unfortunate basterds who has the type of amnesia that Drew Barrymore has in 50 First Dates your breakfast everyday is a lot less scary and a lot more helpful.

Alan Higgs from Desire to Inspire
Do you want some parmesan or chalk dust with your pasta?  I can't tell the difference between the two anymore! 

Mmmmhhh...  where are the knives?  Knives, knives, knives...

I get paid to draw.  I don't just create art for your walls so you can erase it when you're tired of.  You better shelac that shit so it can stay forever and then hand me a check.

Hey honey can you lean over that open flame on the gas stove to make a note that we're out of milk?

I will not even dignify that with a response.

Hey I've got a good idea!  Let's hang a chalkboard above a white daybed!  It's inaccessible AND gets colored dust over everything.  Perfect for snorting dust while napping.

Real Living from the Design Files
I wish it was just a black wall in that adorable kitchen instead of that dirty chalkboard wall that you need stilts to write notes on.  Really?  It's like twelve fucking feet tall!!

At least they had the sense to put a lid over the dessert to save it from the poison dust.  I don't want to even talk about how long it took to stylishly cram those books in the center of that table.  Try dusting that mess once you decide to write a cute new message on the wall.

sfgirlbybay from bliss
Fuck me in the ass I think the universe just exploded!!  Two design cliches just met and it was just as horrible as I could have imagined.  'Keep Calm and Carry On' you're getting it next week.  Start looking over your shoulder muthafucka.

Those people who say they use chalkboard walls for quick notes or grocery lists are idiots.  I don't want everybody seeing my business like the personal list I posted directly above or that Charlemagne needs to go get her worm medicine.  She's really private.  And I still have to transfer all this to a piece of paper before I go to the store.  Fuck that!  That's the point of having pads of paper with magnets on the back.

123 Cabinet by No Eight from loftlife magazine
I hate absolutely everything about this cabinet.  Well it has doors - I guess that's good.  I would carefully move that cute little doggie and then I punch that dumbass cabinet in its balls.  How bout you alert intruders to where the knives are?!  And you have to crawl on the floor to write your shopping list and then the second you turn away your animals come and lick it off.  Now you just made your dog autistic!  Way to go asshole!  You probably won't be so lucky with the burglars...

from seesaw designs
This kitchen seems nice and sleek on the left until you scan over to the right and that messy chalk ruins the entire thing.  I can't tell if that floor is supposed to look like that or it used to be black and all the chalkboard dust has just built up.  There'd be no sneaking in for a late night chocolate raid.

You know, all of these walls are adorned with sweet little poems, daily menus and clever sketches but I think we know that is only for the cameras.  A normal day would probably feature drawings of giant boobs by your preteen son and passive aggressive notes between you and your significant other.  If my friends came over for dinner I think my wall would look something like this:

Ahahahahah!  I'm just kidding - that would never happen.  I don't have any friends.

Marie Claire Maison from Apartment Therapy
Although the placement of drawing is suspect at least these people have figured out to use a chalk marker that doesn't wash off.  Leave it up to the Europeans to be light years ahead of us Americans with their health care for all and their chalk markers. 

Inside Out magazine via Design Files
Uh oh - I feel confused because this is a giant chalkboard dangerously close to a dining table but I like it.  Although maybe that's just a painting...  Note to self:  paint giant piece of cardboard with chalkboard paint, draw like a five-year old and SEAL IT.   Pair with awesome orange Thonet chairs.

from (500) Days of Summer
I know that you're probably going to say that the chalkboard wall in this movie was pretty cool but having sex with the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun under a chalky wall still makes mesothelioma very likely in your near future.  Just imagine what toxic chalk dust will do to your vagina...?!  Yeah.  Not so pleasant.  And even adding a cool soundtrack to your room does not negate the scientific evidence that proves that you will give your booty call vagina cancer, your kids a developmental disorder or poison your dinner guests.

Just go with beige.  Your vagina will thank me.