Thursday, November 29, 2012

The Sunday Set. Blogging for lazy people who love Paris.

No, these aren't Instagrammed pictures of some hipster's pre-Hostel European vacation. This is Paris in 1914 in COLOR, y'all.  That's some pretty fancy technology and shit right there.

Is that Satine in the top window?!!

via Retronaut
HE HAS A PEG LEG, Y'ALL!  I've never seen one in real life.  That's kind of a terrible statement but I'm pretty sure they don't actually give people peg legs anymore unless they specifically ask for one.  

You know, if they are a full time pirate impersonator or something...  

They could write it off on their taxes...

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

My boyfriend and I invite you to get your shop on this Christmas.

Since we're all friends here on this blog I figured I could get a personal with you.  Gather round, chillens.  So...  I've been dating someone for awhile and we've finally decided to make it public!  

Let me introduce Philip Crangi to y'all.  Or as I like to call him, Norse Kitten Warrior Gawd of All That Is Holy Sweet Mother of Christian Grey Look At That Nose.
via lab daily
Ladies and queenfolk, you might already have a few of these pictures on your secret pinboards and private stash of lady smut but I'm cool with that.  He's a celebrity and that's our life.

We met in the meatpacking distract at one of Stefon's recommendations last year.
I think he was talking about me...

And Philip, Kitten Face Norse Gawd of Old Spice, came up to me trying to be smooth and shit and get these saucy digits and I was all "Um, tweet me - this isn't 2011, homie, and I don't like blondes anyway."  Ugh.  Give a girl some space, amiright ladies?

via GQ
But then I noticed he had some cute forehead curls and I was momentarily swayed and then snapped back to reality.  You better work for this jelly! *indicates the jelly with hand gestures*

via GQ
But then he was all "Madame, pretty please with cunnilingus on top, look at this deep V-neck I put on just for you because I mean business!" and I was all "Alriiight, already.  Calm your perfect beard, Phil."  

And we've been dating ever since.  I try to overlook the blonde part.  

Since I'm a fancy design blogger I was excited to see that he has a pretty bitchin pad that was featured on The Selby this summer.

Here he is just maxin' and relaxin' around the crib.

Dude knows I love me some crystal and shit.  Brings good energy.

He's a bit of a hipster hoarder like me so it just works.

Your facial hair is definitely first place in my book, Phil.

'I'm gonna get that bitch a library.  Bitches love libraries.'  Aww, thanks Phil.

Bitches also love a plethora of fun patterns in groovy colors.

Also, horses.

Bitches definitely love purty coffee tables.

And here's Philip in his studio working.  If you didn't know, he does have a few talents - he's a jewelry designer.  Just another reason I finally gave in to his advances.  You may recognize his hex nut bracelet we all DIY'd last year.

You can see a lot more of his work at his site Giles & Brother.  But I always encouraged him to branch out and do more than hardware store finds on a friendship bracelet.  I mean, I took a semester of jewelry and metalworking in college and a Entrepreneurship 101 class in high school so I'm a force to be reckoned with when it comes to this shit.

Well finally he listened to me and has since partnered with Neiman Marcus and Target this year to make a few pieces for all you poor people.  Poor people who still have $50 to spend on a picture fram.

See all the other designer products here.  They all go on sale on December 1 so get your stash box immediately.
I made one almost exactly like it in my college class.  It's an inside joke with us.

You can go here (click the play arrow on the thumbnails at the bottom) and see a little video of him talking about his products OMIGAWD THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS GAY.  As we say down here, he opened his mouth and his (gorgeous studded purse) fell out.

We have to break up immediately.  I KNEW those forehead curls were too good to be true. Can't believe I wasted two years and the next three years crushing on this piece of bearded man meat.

I'm going to buy a stash box and melt it down and pour it in the yard and then pee on it.*

*not going to do that

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Operation Turkey Destroyer

Welcome back, fellow carb loaders and shopping sadists!  I hope everyone's temporary binge eating/spending holiday was successful and full of gravy.  Mine was successful but not full of gravy.  *grumpy cat face*

Due to some scheduling conflicts the normal family plan wasn't an option.  It was suggested that we all go have Japanese food on Thanksgiving and then anarchy ensued so I offered to host.  

I utilized plants. FROM THE OUTSIDE.
I was the only one starting the anarchy but I think it was warranted considering the situation.  The situation being that my family apparently hates America and delicious food.  But in the spirit of the peaceful agreement during the first Thanksgiving between Charlie Brown's tribe and the Tea Party Republicans, we all found something in common (other than DNA) by letting me host.  

However, I would not be serving traditional Thanksgiving fare.  As long as I didn't eat fried rice from a laminate table next to a hibachi grill on one of my favorite holidays then I guess I would be okay.

Italian also seemed the the easiest option because at least one or all of these people didn't like green things, all manner of vegetables, onions, spicy things, garlic, nuts, herbs or really any other food that I like.  See ya next time, Brussels sprouts.  Approved items are red meat or bacon, cheese (only of the cheddar variety), ranch dressing and pasta.

So I made lasagna.  Meat, cheese, pasta.  No ranch dressing.  You can't get any more crowd-pleasing than that.  I also made an Italian green bean salad AND an actual salad for the two people that wanted it.  Me and me.  It had cranberries in it because FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, GIVE ME SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

Everything turned out fine and I'll have to keep all the really saucy stuff private of course but the whole dinner can be summed up by the fact that I drank wine during our meal and they drank Mountain Dew.  Ah, family.  

The Disney Forest Noir tablescape was toned down to something a little more tasteful (tasteful if you're the kind of person who likes Mountain Dew that is).  It was really nothing more than a piece of Thomas Paul fabric I found years ago at a junk store for a few bucks used as a tablecloth (selvedge still there - no one noticed) with a cutting board and some shiny things on top.  Total cost: $0.  Cost to my design blogger status: to be determined.

The full spread looked better than this but I totally forgot to take a picture of it before the real meal.  The hot cheese was distracting...  But I did eat some leftovers near the leftover tablescaping so just add in some more dramatic elements to the pictures here to make it more glamorous in your head.

Lacking a  Martha Stewart-style cornucopia of glitter and sequins on the table, we did get to use my mom's gold tone flatware from the '60s which is one of my 'grab in a fire' items.  The other items being my favorite fleece pajama pants and that one picture of me from high school where I looked like Drew Barrymore.  I don't want to let anyone forget that that moment happened.

Canape plates from West Elm (last year's Xmas present from me to me)
Other than flashy utensils, my favorite part of the meal was dessert.  I don't normally bake but I had to do something for the special occasion.  I decided to try a pumpkin tiramisu because it seemed to fit with the theme and by gawd I was going to force some traditional flavors into these people's mouths whether they liked it or not.

It only partially worked because some people didn't know what tiramisu was so they opted out.  Swing and a miss for the Madame.  But *I* thought that shit was fantastic so there was more for me.  I used this recipe but doubled the spices and brushed the lady fingers in a mixture of coffee and maple syrup because that seemed like a good idea.  I couldn't find Amaretti cookies because I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so I crumbled Biscoff cookies on top.  What, WHAT?!  I patted myself on the back for that one.

Other than cook and eat I did nothing over the holiday except watch movies about gay bears on Netflix and stay locked in the house.  Kinda like a normal weekend.  Except I started putting up MY CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!!!!

Thanksgiving you are dead to me now.  

Except if any of y'all have leftover turkey and dressing.  Even some cranberry sauce out of the can, I don't care.  I'll trade you some lasagna for it...

I'd love to hear your favorite Thanksgiving recipes so I can drool over them and dream about next year when I get a new family.  A family that likes food and tells me I look like Drew Barrymore all the time.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Can you pass me the gravy and glitter gnome?

The countdown to 2013 has begun!  To give us the energy to make it through this marathon of goodwill and glitter, the patron saint of the holiday season - Her Holiness, Friday of the Black Order - has blessed us with a day just to carb load.  And fat load.  Probably salt load for good measure too.

So for this year's annual day of celebratory carb loading I'm hosting my own family for Thanksgiving.  FOR THE FIRST TIME.  Dun dun dunnnnn!!

It's not that dramatic - there's only about 6 of us at this par-tay so I'm not really worried.  In fact I'm kind of excited.  And excited about setting the table which is weird for me...  I think I may have been possessed by the spirit of Sandra Lee because I shopped my house including all the secret closets I'd like to pretend aren't full and this happened:

Where did all this shit come from?!  I have to stop thrifting.

Apparently the ghost of Sandra Lee wants me to have a Disney-esque Forest Noir theme for Thanksgiving and who can argue with that except for Taste and Logic?  My family will be utterly confused.  Possibly blinded by all the shiny things.  

I hope y'all have a good holiday and make sure to let me know all the yummy things you ate because I want to eat them too.

I'll be back next week with holiday hijinks and hopefully a table that looks more like an adult set it and not Princess Sandra Lee.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Livin' on a prayer. And a swanky bed.

Channing Tatum, y'all.  

That big, beige potato head that probably smells like the inside of a boy's shoe is the sexiest man alive.  Think I'll have to move to Canada with all the anti-healthcare Republicans to avoid the imminent disaster that is our country.  

But hopefully he can follow in the footsteps of other Sexiest Mens Alives like Edward Scissorhands and Gay Wolverine.  And don't forget about 2-time winner Benjamin 'Brad Pitt' Button who has gone on to do great things like grow lots of facial hair. 

In honor of Thanksgiving week let's remember all the good things Brad has done for the community like donating money to the Human Rights Campaign to fight for marriage equality (in Maine, Maryland and Washington and that turned out pretty well).  He also helped rebuild New Orleans with his Make It Right Foundation (don't even get me started again on that again...ugh) in addition to continually blessing us with his handsome visage.

I'm starting to sound insane...

But Mr. Jolie Pitt just keeps. on. giving. to the world with his new furniture line.

Christ on a cracker, that's ugly.


Brad has had a constant design boner after taking a course in college on a whim where it quote Changed His Life end quote.  Since then he's been collecting women, children and super fancy furniture.

A few years ago he was having a reproduction Emile-Jacques Ruhlmann desk installed (yes "installed" not delivered(?) according to AD) when the maker of said reproduction and other exquisite Art Deco furniture pieces, Frank Pollaro, saw Brad's sketchbook and squeed his manties.  He immediately asked Brad if they could collabo like Jay-Z and Kanye on some bitchin' furniture.  Brad scratched his goatee in brief contemplation and then acquiesced.  They high-fived.

At least, that's how I imagine that exchange went down.

I'd be a little upset if some dude read my diary and looked at my private sketches but I guess rich people are different and also my sketches are of me as a woodland nymph having woodland sex with a woodland centaur and THAT SHIT IS TOTALLY PRIVATE, MOM.

So this diary-reading, opportunity-slut (that's a compliment), glorified furniture delivery installer Pollaro dude is just a working boy from New Jersey that decided his life's goal is to recreate Art Deco's finest and snobbiest king of furniture.

*Tommy used to work on the docks...* 
Backstory and picture from Forbes
Aww... he's kind of adorable in an Eddie Bauer/furniture dictator kind of way.  

Ruhlmann, if you don't know - and I didn't - was apparently maniacally elitist and was quoted in a 1920 magazine interview as saying "Only the very rich can pay for what is new and they alone can make it fashionable."  

Hold my glass of boxed wine, y'all.  I'm gonna need to sit down and rethink my life after that bombshell.

Ruhlmann moved to the top spot of my "Dead assholes invited to my next casserole party" when he added "Fashions don't start among the common people.  Along with satisfying a desire for change, fashion's real purpose is to display wealth."  

And somewhere Donald Trump just jizzed dollar bills into his silk pantaloons.

This is the reason I don't spend hours trolling on 1st Dibs.  Naturally, rich people today are covetous of Ruhlmann's work but totally because of his amazing art and stuff and not because they feel the same way about money.

But mad props to Pollaro whose life's goal is to be a master of craftsmanship probably unparalleled in today's world.  But I think you can see how the Pollaro-Pitt relationship blossomed.
*We've got each other and that's a lot...*
Here they are in Pitt's wine cellar in France (my eyeballs involuntarily rolled when I type that) talking about Brad's diary.  After a helluva a lot of wine and numerous 10 hour discussions, y'all about their mutual love for tropical hardwoods that probably involved the word "transcendent" far more than is necessary, they created this...
A bed made of mutual masturbation, exposed nickel trusses, integrated shagreen foot pads (???), nickel side tables covered in silk.  This one bed took over two years to create because of the "difficult physics and engineering issues related to the simplicity of the design," says Pollaro.

Now I know for sure these motherfuckers are high because that's the most complicated bed I've ever seen.  And my mind is now flooded with images of Tyler Durden and a pair of yellow rubber gloves using that bench for leverage. 

My mind is also flooded with this image:

The Homer.
Restraint.  It is not found in a wine cellar in France.

Once these two dudes saw this sketch-turned-real-life-fuckery they congratulated each other with bro hugs and decided to exhibit the bed as well as a create a full line of Brad's drawings.

One of those pieces being this two-person bathtub.
Perfect for Tommy and Gina.
Fill with guacamole or Chanel No. 5 - your choice.  Even after two years I don't think these designs are finished considering the image above is from Architectural Digest but this one from the NYTimes is a different design.  Hhmmm...??  

*Cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not...*

Also included in the line is this curvy white chair that I actually kinda dig in a monolithic sort of way.

Until I looked at it from the front and realized it was made of white patent leather and those two inserts sewn into the arms remind me of maxi pads.  No prices were given but Pollaro says some pieces may be significantly upwards of $45,000 but if they went into regular production they'd be much cheaper.

Oh thank gawd.  Because pleather - while easy to Swiffer and great for making my thighs make gross noises when I try to stand up - is really out of my price range.

Other possibly-$45,000 items include a side table that Chiasso probably introduced six years ago.

Or maybe this side table finished in 24-karat gold is more your bag, baby.  I do like shiny.

It's kinda cool except for its 24-KARAT GOLD existence is an assault on my humanity.  I feel like if this table is actually purchased by another human being then we are about 6 months away from the Hunger Games.  I can only shoot a gun, not a bow and arrow, so I'm fucked.

I'm not hating on this table below either even though I have a phobia about glass tops and this whole paperclip thing really isn't my personal taste.  Trying to be generous.  It's Thanksgiving and all.

The NY Times interviewed four designers for their take on Brad's line and they could barely mask their disdain and it is worth a read.  When asked if anyone would have one of the pieces in their home, Kurt Anderson answered "Possibly [this] oval table - in a guest room of a second home, if I owned a second home."   Ooh, burn. 

Kurt - my new best friend - also described Brad's line as " 'Swanky.  Which is the word I've used for many years to describe expensive, curvy, shiny modern things meant to look stylish.' "  

Come sit by me, Kurt.

When responding to all of the designers' comments, Pollaro said after working with Pitt for thousands of hours he's "impressed by his commitment to express his own artistic vision."  Maybe that's code for ole Frankie wanted to jump on the Jolie-Pitt gravy train but instead was trapped in a French basement with a drunk goat herder for two years talking wood veneers and bullshit beds and now he just wants to die alone.  In America. 

Say no more, Frankie.  We've all seen the crazy Brad before.  Just blink twice if you need us to call the police.

Things could have been good.  This tiny maquette of wire makes me exceedingly happy and seems nicer than the oval table above.  Surely it wasn't all design masturbation, was it?
*Take my hand and we'll make it I swear...*
I'd eat some pizza rolls off that.

Brad Pitt seems to have Multiple Designer Personality Disorder.  He also seems to have highlighted the fact that while you and I are worried about whether or not people will notice we replaced half of the cornbread dressing with dryer lint because food prices are getting jacked up, some people are manufacturing gold-plated tables and beds so complex and rare of material that only nine are being made.  Nine.

But don't worry, designers!  The NYT agrees that product designers have a thankless job so you're probably encouraged to see that Brad Pitt "respects" what you do but also "takes pains" to be one of you.  

That's the sweet, sweet smell of validation wafting through the air right now.

So fuck your education, your student loan debt, your possibly unpaid internship, your thankless 60 hour work weeks, your shitty pay, your lack of a social life and the swallowing of your own ego.  None of that is even necessary to be successful.  

In fact, you should feel grateful that someone is finally taking pains to shine a light on all the hard work that you do by spending two years jacking off to the splendor of their own ideas with an unlimited budget, the finest materials on the planet and no regard for potential customers.  

Make sure to include Brad Pitt when you say grace this Thursday.

*You live for the fight when it's all that you've got...*

Your move, Channing Tatum.