Tuesday, April 29, 2014

This makes me exceedingly happy.

Andy Harman's Owl for Jonathan Adler and Simon Doonan's
Shelter Island vacation home via Dwell
You can stop now.   This piece of macrame cannot be topped.  We've reached the tipping point of the trend and you might as well just burn that acrylic wall-hanging you bought at Goodwill last week because this owl poops that junk out on the regular.

Or you don't have to burn it. I'm very pro fiber-on-the-walls.  I had a few shaggy rag rugs I hung on my walls for years and people thought I was batshit crazy.  I eventually caved to peer pressure (also, I think I found a spider living in there) but I think it might be time to let that sad heap of textiles bump uglies with some sheetrock again.

So carry on with your Snuffleupagus wall art dreams, friends.  Let's craft the hurt away.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

My life of crime as a woodland nymph.

It's Spring so naturally I've been entertaining ideas of becoming a landscape designer/woodland nymph again.  Since it's the end of the week let's frolic in fantasy together courtesy of my favorite outdoor pins lately.

This is like the best/saddest patio ever.  I think it's gotta be in an Italian prison of some kind.

I like how this place is either a delightful shower or a place where toxic waste is emptied through that drain spout up top.  Still nice.

I think this is black mondo grass which I must have.  But mostly I just like the rock detailing in the corner.  I can definitely make that (and some cute weeds) happen.


The pin lists all the loverlies but mostly I love the Lenten roses (?) here and the mix of colors.  I like mixing colors as long as it doesn't look like a rainbow of pansies on your front porch.  If you like that then that's fine but I have a mint green house and shit gets real tricky with mint and rainbows.  

This isn't a garden but it CAME from a garden and I wish my garden looked like that and had this color palette.  Would look really nice in front of mint green, eh?  EH?  I mean, as good as things could look in front of mint green.

Maybe I should just stick with greens.  Because my yard could totally look like that... Yes, I've been drinking...

This too.  If we're fantasizing I'm going all in.



Obviously I'm in desperate need of some vines eating up my place and a water feature.

What I really want in my garden of delights (that is not code for my vagina) is a mix of Southern and California modern something or another.

I'm not smart enough to do that but in my head it works.  Like, hydrangeas but with cacti and grasses and shit.  

Landscapers down here look at me funny when I try to explain it - they say "What about some nice knockout roses?"  Fuck your knockout roses!*

*I actually have some knockout roses but only because I was young and didn't know about Pinterest or imaginary Southern/Cali punk rock landscapes and a guy I thought I could trust recommended them to me so there ya go.  Their ubiquitous, genetically-mutated asses thrive beautifully but I regret it.

This McMansion-looking bed of evergreens looks workable for a Southern yard but it needs a punk rock edge.  And to look less McMansiony.
This is a cute little vignette.  I think the key to everything is groundcover.  GROUNDCOVER.

 Or just a really amazing architectural structure.

Dat muppet grass tho...  I gotta get some hardscaping too.  If you follow me on Twitter you already know my criminal plans but I think I'm going to start stealing large rocks from abandoned fields and places that look like they don't want their rocks there.  Also, I might dig up a plant that's cool.  It's not reeaaallly stealing but more like I'm doing them a FAVOR. 

They built a Costco a few miles from my house and left mountains of ugly rock right by the road.  It's like the WANT me to take it.  It'll certainly improve the view and if a cop shows up I'm sure I could talk my way out of it I mean hellooo I'm a super friendly blonde lady sooo...  Maaaybe I could even talk him into helping load a big rock into my car.  

Note to self: steal rocks with nice lipstick on.  

Can I steal any of these plants anywhere because I would like that...?  

Instead of immediately moving into a life of plant crime (watching too much Sopranos) I have invented the art of Plant Swapping!  It's where you trade out your unwanted yard residents for your neighbor's and everybody wins!  I was envisioning a Craigslist-esque site but then someone informed me that they think Craigslist already does that but I think I can do it better.

"I have monkey grass.  Do you need monkey grass? Well come dig this shit up and it's yours!"

I'm telling you, this plan is genius and is in no way affiliated with Wife Swap.

If you only knew...
This is kent oregeno and it's adorable and I want some.  First ad I'll post on Plant Swap is for this.  

Or this.  I'll just post this picture and see what I get.  Don't even talk to me about fences right now.  A black fence is landscaping wet dream material.  I'm praying a small, localized tornado comes to my yard this year and destroys a few things so insurance will replace them.  Hell, it worked for my roof a few years ago so it's not entirely impossible.

Well, that tornado wasn't small or localized... : (
Anybody got a rock they need gone I'm your girl!  Well, I'm your girl that will call my strong man friends to come get it but please contact me first.

 Give me all the succulents!!


Ok my list of things to swap/steal is succulents, grasses, rocks, oregano, more strong friends and sexy lipstick.  Holler at me if you got any of that.  I have some knockout roses and lots of other things I can't identify but I KNOW you want.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Spring has sprung and it's very flashy.

Hello, Spring!

You fucking fuck.

The pollen count is about 2000 whatever-units-they-measure-pollen-in when it's supposed to be 15 so I've been laying on my couch in a pile of Kleenex.  It's almost like an angelic cloud of fluff until you realize the Kleenex are covered in snot but whatever.

I've been watching Sopranos all day and wishing Carmella Soprano would bring me some homemade soup.  Or this on a platter:

It's the nose - you know I have a nose fetish.  But mostly I'm straight up loving some old-skool, Versace-looking, over-the-top Baroque shit from the '90s.  
Particularly if you're wearing it with nothing but a leotard or panties.  Cassie (remember her?) is down with it.

Speaking of leotards:
I used to drink the hatorade for her but now I'm Team Nicki forever.  Particularly when she's shooting some machine guns but maybe that's just me.

Linda in Chanel here
I'm not going to step out of the Ranch like this but any reason no matter how fantastical to put on more jewelry is ok by me.  Frankly, even if there isn't a reason I'm down for it.

Linda's outfit above made me think of Pour It Up.  Lady hip hop stars probably work it best.  Sorry, Carmela Soprano.

A whole board of Carmela hair here!
So many great Carmela mom jeans with gold belts but I couldn't find any on the internet.  Guess we'll have to rely on models.

Chanel 1991 here
Chanel 1991 here
And, of course, the Queen:

I don't think I have the restraint to not pile on hundred fifty-leven necklaces with this but I'm feeling it.  Or at least I am today with my snot-addled brain.

I would like to put on some silk shirts, lots of gold chains and get off this couch to go here:

Garden photography by Guy Hervais via The Style Saloniste
And also breath through my nose.  

Update:  After reading that Philip Johnson was a Nazi supporter last night I then learned (or did I know and had forgotten?) that Coco Chanel was also a Nazi sympathizer and just general terrible human being.  This really taints my gold chain addiction right now but the more you know. *shooting star*

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Like Jesus I've been resurrected from blog death!

It has come to my attention this week that the ultimate tragedy has befallen our nation: YOU WERE NOT ABLE TO READ MY BLOG.  Apparently there was some kind of Blogger/Feedburner fuckery because new posts did not show up in RSS readers or email subscriptions since about January.  I only discovered this when my post earlier this week prompted Feedburner to wake the fuck up and send the entire backlog all in one dump and it confused people.

Thanks a fucking lot, internet things that I do not understand how they work.

Also, thanks to y'all for not even telling me!  I could have been dead, my rotting corpse hunched over on top of my laptop, Charlemagne long since eaten my eyeballs then moved away, and y'all would be like "I think she's just on hiatus..."

I would never leave for two months without telling y'all.  That's just rude.  Two weeks, maybe.  Ok maybe three like in that one summer a few years ago when it was just too damn hot to blog but never months.  

So I hope you're still here and thanks to the people that check on my site old school style or came through from Twitter.  I really should be better about tweeting myself but that seems really hard when I'd rather tweet about US Airways blunders and the weather.

So I'm not posting anything of real value today, just letting you know am I NOW aware of the problem and trying to investigate the why.  So a quick recap of what I've been up to lately?  Um...

First off, I read these while spending some time in airplanes the past few days:

All excellent.

In bloglandia, I've been planting a lot, ants make really good architects, I saw American Hustle, I WANT to see this cabin, I thrifted - A LOT - and I gave some of my latest travel and moisturization secrets to you.

Most importantly, I've kinda been redecorating my bedroom.  It needed some love after many sad years of bland and I got kinda inspired by this whole jungle theme which I totally appropriately named Heart of Darkness.  But don't worry, the jungle theme is only for blog lyfe and inspiration.  But I made a real mood board and have slowly been changing up my beauty rest space and have painted all the walls and made some other progress.  Mostly a mess but some progress too.

I think that's the main stuff.  The sad part is that I've made a pointed effort to blog more this year only to find out that almost no one is reading it.  Sigh... such is blog life.

Anyway, welcome back, missed you, love you, let's drink some chai spiked with booze and talk about my plants and paint colors and eggs.

In light of this weekend, y'all know I'd rather cut off my infamous beauty mole than celebrate the resurrection of Christ but I did run across these Easter eggs - let's call them Spring Equinox Eggs of Blessed Fertility aka Mother Nature's Ovary Glitter - and was kinda amazed.

They're decorated with flowers and then wrapped in onion skins and boiled.  Our ancestors really knew their shit.

See the full tutorial and pictures at Ulicam
But mostly about eggs and pretty colors.

Hopefully we won't have any more blog issues but please holler at me if you're having problems with something - commenting, feedly messing things up, you think I might be dead.

You're on your own with eggs though.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Nothing a little wood filler and tender sanding can't fix.

I'm taking a gardening break to talk bedroom talk.  Bow chicka wah waahhh wahh...  That sounds way sexier than it is.  Unless you're reaaally into MALM and based on tv shows I've seen on TLC it could happen.  I don't judge.  So since it's been a hot minute let's catch up on all the non-happenings in my bedroom.


Ok first off I got a rug.

This is a whole lot of things people call PATTERN and COLOR but it's a nice change.  I'm still adjusting but it was a cheap find at a local place so let's roll with it for a while.

Dressers are finally together and beginning to be junked up on top as the good lord intended flat surfaces to be.  I went with two 4-drawer options side-by-side because have you ever actually looked at the regular 6 drawer dresser?  It's 30" tall.  That's about two inches taller than my nightstand and hits right above my knee.  THAT IS NOT A DRESSER THAT IS A BENCH.

If I wear heels I could use it as a chair.  Apparently Swedish people are actually the size of their meatballs.

In other Swedish news, I've got most of the curtains up after going Full Monty for over a month.  I don't think anyone could see me since my windows are fairly hidden and since I don't have a court date or actual date I think I was safe.

Can I just say how utterly fantastic it is that IKE-Rah now has white curtain rods?!  I don't know when this happened but IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE and has been my dream for many years.  

Unfortunately, hanging a new curtain rod takes HOURS for me because my walls are made of plaster/concrete/diamonds and drilling holes in them in miserable and makes me want to cry.

And if anyone did peep through my curtainless windows for the past month maybe they cried too.  Sorry, neighbors.  It was a very tragic time in the neighborhood for us all.

I bought a double rod so I can use sheers and then dummy panels on the sides but I haven't gotten that far yet.  I used sheers I already had in an attempt to save money but forgot I cut them shorter at one point...

GAWDDAMMIT.  Back to the Swedish land of tiny dressers and lingonberries to get some other options.

Since I was moving a lot of clothes to my new dressers I figured it was a good time to clean out my closet.  That's where most of my time pre-gardening was spent in case you were wondering (you weren't).  It's a thankless and unsexy job but my soul feels lighter and I've found Charlemagne's secret nap hole.  The 1/2 inch layer of fur on an old hat clued me in.

Still so much work to do...  I have a secret fetish for organized closet porn so we'll get to that later on.

I'm going to DIY an upholstered headboard (do people still even do that shit?) and have been to every thrift store in the tri-state area.  I HAVE A JOYLESS HOBBY.  Finally found this winner at the Salvation Army.

It was $5 so I think I could splurge for it.  I'm going to attach a piece of plywood/whatever to the back to make it square.  The internet says making headboards is easy and they are never wrong!

Now I just gotta pick a fabric.  AHHHH CHOICES!  At least if it's shade of beige if I totally fuck it up it won't matter that much.  Just kidding I'll want to take a concrete bath for eternity.

Headboard fabric also kinda depends on the shade of paint I pick for the nightstand which will be something taupe-y/greige-y.  I'm really goin' bold here.  But I kinda want my bedroom to look like greige angels nap there so the boring is on purpose.

However, Mr. $3 Nightstand has a few issues that we are currently addressing:

Nothing a little wood filler and tender sanding can't fix.

Story of my life.

I'm dragging my feet in a lot of areas because I have so many things that need to be done (in and out of the bedroom) that I can't focus and therefore nothing gets done except oooh let's have more wine and read this magazine and relandscape my yard. 

But the pollen plague has begun so I'll be forced to stay indoors in a hermetically sealed bubble so hopefully I can get some work done then.  

Stay healthy, y'all, and may tender sanding fix all that ails you.

Monday, April 7, 2014

This year's garden is sponsored by alcohol.

So I was supposed to do a bedroom update but instead of painting my nightstand this weekend I got sidetracked with SPRING!  *twirls around in freshly-mowed grass with a spiked iced chai*

Ahh Spring.  That wondrous time of year when birds come out to sing and assholes come out to drive around my block real slow like to watch me bend over and sweat while I do yardwork.  

Well I'm giving them a good show this year - now with extra grunting! - because I've gotten an early start on the ModSauce Gardens of Eternal Delight!  I'm chopping down giant shrubs, clearing debris and have already been at the nurseries before they even get their good shit in.  I'M DRUNK IN LOVE with playing in the dirt.

Literally drunk.  It's chai season, motherfuckers, so I've been pouring some Godiva white chocolate liquer in there and it's the stuff of dreams.  I get one any time of the day or night for accomplishing something yard-related.  I'm hoping to have a yard so pretty I'll be an alcoholic by the end of the summer!

Or until it's too hot to work.

So far I've planted this little (not so little) guy:

This is the spot of doom and a different plant has died here every year for the last six years.  I have a good feeling about this laurel though but maybe it's just the booze talking.  That little sedum thingy in the front is coming back from last year so I feel like that's a good omen.

I'm trying to clean up the ground mess but it's mostly from the two angry holly bushes I trimmed that are next to it and they like to torture me.

Like millions of little daggers trying to destroy my hands!  I curse the previous owners who thought planting twelve of these was a good idea.  I have the scratched and bloody forearms of a tweeker right now.  Better get myself TWO spiked chai lattes for comfort.

And here's what's next in line for planting:

Charlemagne loves to make new green friends.
Pro tip: if you think of them all as annuals you'll never be disappointed!  

Considering a lot of these ARE annuals it's like I'm hardly even lying.

I'm feeling more positive than ever about my black thumb so hopefully my shameful flower beds will be worth actually showing you in a few months.

*drunkenly waves to you with muddy/bloody hands*