Wednesday, December 30, 2009

STOP! In the name of love...

The love of Jesus and contemporary architecture!! 

It'll all make sense in a minute...

So I pulled this post together after consuming about a pound of cookie dough and a Whitman's chocolate sampler while watching Psychic Kids and drinking wine so I may be hallucinating from the onset of a diabetic coma or under the influence of spirits so just roll with it.  Spirits as in the ghosts in my house not booze. It's probably both though.  I'm pretty sure the ghosts are the ones who made me eat the cookie dough.  The Whitman's was all me though.

So I got this Scary Nuns book for Christmas with lots of dramatic pictures of nuns.  I like nuns - I have a boxing one and one that you wind up and it shoots fire from its mouth.  I'm not Catholic but I really enjoyed Sister Act.  Also nuns are the brides of Christ and I like Jesus but not really into the whole monogamy thing so they definitely earn my respect I guess.  Committing to a lifetime of poverty and a relationship with a nonexistent figure probably sucks but Whoopi Goldberg and motown really help.

I googled "naughty nuns" and "bad nuns" just to see if I could find some more cool nuns with their habits.  Do NOT do that unless you like sacrilegious porn or slutty Halloween costumes.  I like both so that was a win for me but I figured I'd worn you just the same.

So I've got nuns on the brain and then look what I stumble across today on Trendir.  BAM!!!  It's a vacation home in Australia but it looks like an flying origami nun habit that Bilbo Baggins might live in.  I'm intrigued - please continue.  My brain is clogged with raw cookie dough so I can't think of a good soundtrack for your listening pleasure so you'll have to conjure up some Gregorian chants or early Diana Ross on your own.  I'll be humming along with you.

The red door is a magnet for my eyes.  I think I'll add a new section on my blog called "pointy fabulosity".  The architecture is stunning but it looks like they spent all their money on the computer modeling which left nothing for paving a driveway. 

Or money for a decent deck.  If we're in agreement that these are "nun houses" what would their Christ husband be?  My first thought was Daniel Libeskind's Jewish museum in Berlin because it also has pointy fabulosity but that's just wrong. I'm also muddling my metaphors and that's just dumb.  So I think I'll go with Le Corbusier's Chapel at Ronchamp in France.  It's roundy-er and Catholicy-er.  My History of Architecture professor would be so proud for pulling that reference out of my ass!  That 7 years of college and a lifetime's worth of poor decision-making and resulting shame has finally paid off!

A red back door?  What mysteries lie inside that saucy little minx?

Oh my.  You dirty slut.  I think this is the architectural equivalent of red lingerie underneath that scratchy habit.  Tee hee!  And the fact that those red carpeted steps that look like every church I've ever been to wasn't lost on me either!  Do they lead to the potluck dinner in the fellowship hall?  I would totally stay there on vacation.

And THEN I found these pictures from Oleg Dou via teamgeniusBAM!  BAM!!  More nuns!! Fuck yeah. 

Do I really need to talk about the awesomeness that is the red door/red heart comparison? No?  Okay I'll just pat myself on the back and eat some more cookie dough. 

Diabetic coma in 3...2...1...

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Photoshop does a body good

All these pictures hit the digital world last week but I'm still on Santa time so don't yell at me.  I'M FRAGILE!!!!  FRA-GI-LAY.  Here's a saucy spread from V magazine's size issue for January where they explore the beauty of ALL bodies big and small.  Whatever - don't patronize me with your oh-so-generous inclusion of non-traditional beauties and the hypocrisy that is Karl Lagerfeld who once said this.  Thanks for the effort though. 

So here's the deal - two models: one "model" size and one plus size.  Crystal Renn is the plus size model, Wikipedia says she's a size 12 although she barely looks bigger than a 10 to me but that's still a Fatty McButterpants in the fashion world.  Regardless she gave good face and owns this photoshoot.  Neveryoumind about the ankle socks/sandal combo, pattern overload and photoshopping - it's FANTASY bitches!  Next time you see Madame Sunday out perusing the aisles at Home Depot I'll be in a leotard, a latex mini and so many bangles and bib necklaces I might topple over from my stiletto heels.  Try to help me remain upright but hold tight because I'll be slicked up with baby oil and hair serum.  My bra will also be showing so try to not get distracted by my luscious oiled up cleavage on display.  If it's too much fabulosity and you begin to feel woozy grab on to my fake ponytail to steady yourself.

In honor of Brittany Murphy (RIP) I think we needs some fierce music while we practice our sexy squatting positions.  Meeoow.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Bourbon slushies and a media break

Take a quick break from your family, make one of these and check these out. 

The Avett Brothers from Charlotte NC

The trailer for the new documentary called Babies chronicling the lives of four babies across the world.  One is in Mongolia - I have a weird obsession with Mongolia.  Maybe it's the yak milk.  Babies are pretty cute too.

Merry Christmas Internet!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Stuff that in my stocking*

Dear Santa - I know it's kinda late but as you've been peeping on me all year you know that 1)I'm a procrastinator and 2) I haven't kicked any kittens.  And you're magic so if we're in agreement that you exist period then we can definitely agree that you possess the magic to get me everything on my list below within 24 hours. You also magically see from your north pole handicam that I've been good ALL year (see aforementioned kittens) if you consider good NOT throwing up on your friends' furniture after getting shitfaced.  Your welcome bitches.  I even gave a bunch of change to those annoying-as-hell salvation army people ringing those ear-raping bells.  I hope you noticed the gigantic amount of coins that I tried to stuff in that little tiny canister that kept falling out because the hole was too small* while the volunteer just stood there ringing his fucking bell and watching me chase after dozens, DOZENS I TELL YOU, of dollars in coins go rolling all over the parking lot in my haste to deposit as much good will and cheer to people in need.  I'm pretty sure you're going straight to hell you dumbass holier-than-thou volunteer for being a selfish prick and not "volunteering" to get on your knees for that money** because everyone knows that Santa is totally down with Jesus. 

Oh shit.  Jesus I have some explaining to do.  We'll talk later.

Back to the dude in the red suit - here's what I want to be deposited under my tree this year.

1. Anything on this list.  And after watching Julie and Julia I MUST have a stunning rainbow collection of Le Creuset. 

Yes that makes me happy too Julia!  Squeeeeeee!

Actually this leads me to...

2. How about being awesome enough to turn a blog into a million dollar book deal and inspire tons of people??  Drew Barrymore can TOTALLY play me in the movie. 

I'm FAAAAABULOUS. Let's blog.

If that's not working for you Santa how about...

3. The balls, talent or 6-figure income of any of these talented people.  I'll take one of those neck warmers to. Also...

4. Please make Susan Sarandon and Andy Dufresne get back together!!!!  I think I'm more upset about this breakup than my parents divorce so like every Christmas movie from the 80's I want to be a family again!!!  I feel lost in this strange world!!

5. The style and panache to create beautiful table settings like this.  Wait - what am I saying?  Of course Madame Sunday has the style and panache to pull that off.  What I'm really in need of is the MOTIVATION to get off my ass to do it.  Or the occasion.  Or the kind of friends who don't talk with their mouths full and enjoy more than just a fish filet.  Oh wait - I think I'm talking about me...  But next time I see old house numbers like those I will knock a bitch over at the flea market to make them mine.

6.The release of Gucci Mane from jail. Just another example of the Man trying to bring down an honest brotha oh wait... he may have been involved in hiding a dead body (ALLEGEDLY - thanks Kathy Griffin) behind a middle school??  um best of luck to you Gucci Mane!

Madame Sunday you're a 5 star chick.

 7. In a related want - I definitely need more swagger. Not the personality kind because I'm dripping with charm and sex appeal but more the diamond kind. And fancy clothes kind.

8. Also swagger for my house. A 50 inch plasma tv to be exact. Right above my fireplace to fully appreciate artistic cinema such as Tough Love 2 and Hoarders.

9. Tulip table.  Still waiting Santa - get your shit together.  Bring those candlesticks while you're at it.

from here

*That's what she said!  (I didn't want to go there but it was too easy.)

**This stuff just writes itself.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Hallmark can suck it.

I'm a big fan of making your own holiday cards even if you end up with these things which are everywhere.  I still appreciate the fact that you spent more than 1.7 seconds signing your name to a store bought card and affixing my address sticker on an envelope.  And yes I do actually enjoy seeing kids and pets in their forced christmas cheer preferably while all wearing matching sweaters.   

Here are some original cards from artists courtesy of the Smithsonian (via dear ada) that I would love to get in the mail.  Well if all these people were still alive and I was even remotely cool enough to be worthy of an original creation.

Alfred Frueh

Frederick Hammersley
My favorite - I love a retro christmas.  (foreshadowing...)

George Zoretich

Arnold Newman's photo of his family's travels that year

Kay Sage

Abril Lamarque

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The gift that keeps on giving. Unless you hate it in which case can I just have it?

Here's some nice prints I found today on Thumbtack Press.  These would make much better christmas gifts than the snuggies and santa windsocks from the Lillian Vernon catalog that all you bitches were going to get .  

Lillian Vernon catalog I'll just keep you around until the next holiday with your marketing geniuses and practical whimsy.

I couldn't NOT talk about this even if making fun of it makes me a heartless bitch

We made the national news!  If you consider dlisted news.  Which I totally do. 

Apparently a 4-year-old right here in Chattavegas grabbed a cold one from the fridge, escaped from his house and went on a crime spree around the neighborhood.  First he broke into a neighbor's house and stole some presents from underneath their Christmas tree.  After opening the gifts he discovered one was a stylish brown dress which he of course put on for more rebel rousing in the neighborhood.  Booze makes us do crazy things.  The police found him loitering in the streets trying to do bad things so he could go to jail to be with his daddy.  I couldn't make this shit up. 

from here
Like this but less Asian, more tranny and a LOT more redneck.  And waaay more sad.

I don't think he was trying to get arrested though I think he was trying to come visit me after he read my post on my love of gender ambiguity. I could definitely lead him into the light just like I did with all those sexually confused boys in high school. That's not a gross euphemism for sleeping with them or anything I meant the glitter stage light of the Gayness. Spread your wings my little butterflies!!!!

And isn't it weird to see your local news anchors on a national level? I mean it's exciting because people from your little piece of the world are famous for like two seconds but it's so embarrassing that these hicks with bad lighting are representing you. Like when you run into a friend while out shopping with your parents and you're excited for them to meet until you realize that your mom is wearing pink crocs, sweatpants and a bikini top with a confederate flag over each boob. You're used to seeing that parental hot mess but then you see her through your friends eyes and you panic and start making excuses and trying to explain that we're not racists and she just thought it was the Union Jack regardless of how many times you try to explain otherwise.

I wish dlisted would be my news anchor.  I would at least be embarrassed for a whole other set of reasons unrelated to the war of northern aggression and my mom's boobs.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Random stuff that definitely needs more Luda in it

Let's listen to the new Ludacris song while we talk about random important news and stuff. 

The first time I heard this song I was sure I was listening to Luda circa 1991 or something (that doesn't actually exist if you know your dirty south crunkness).  I mean is that the fucking chipmunks*????  It sounds like it should be playing in a roller skating rink during the skating intermission and people should be dancing in lines with choreographed moves like the cupid shuffle or something.  But then I remembered that I LOVE dancing in the middle of skating rinks!!  It's like the biggest stage ever and when my middle school dance team rented it out for our holiday parties we fucking rocked it in our leotards, ill-fitting sequined shorts and street-hooker-meets-beauty-pageant makeup.  And then I grew up and we only went to skating rinks to buy drugs, get into Mexican gang fights and throw ironic skating birthday parties for our twenty-something friends.  Things were all ironical fun and games until they had the intermission and the irony flew out the window while we knocked over a bunch of 12-yr olds selling drugs to get optimum spots on that shiny floor for maximum room for booty poppin' and the cha cha slide.  This ass needs at least 16 square feet to reach full ass poppification and to really see how low it can go.

-Here's an interview with Margaret Russell from the AJC.  She describes Southern decorating as being full of grace.  Yes please step into my graceful trailor Margaret. Please set your purse here on this delicate antique console table crafted of an old beer cooler with broken wheels with year-old mildewed newspapers sitting on top.  Careful of the pyramid of empty PBR cans - we think it adds dimension and visual interest to the foyer.


-Finally!  Monocles are back!!!  But since I can't afford lasik I'll just buy one for each eye and then just be double cool.  Take that Williamsburg hipsters!!!!  Or you could do this.  I feel a trend board coming on... check back soon!!

-I haven't read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies but I really really really want to and my intent to read it is enough for me to post about it.  I think we've already discussed how much I love zombies and ninjas and combining that with Edwardian nuance is just a super saucy idea!!  And now Natalie Portman is going to star in and produce the movie version.  How fucking awesome is that????!!!!!    She's bitchin and beautiful and one of the few people in Hollywood that I might actually want to be friends with.  Even though she's vegan.  I can let that slide.

picture commissioned for the deluxe hardcover edition courtesy of Irreference.

On a side note while browsing the bookstore last night the humor section is absolutely rampant with zombies and and the undead.  They are the next cutest-most-annoying fantasy things since crushed fairies and Jar Jar Binks.  It was gnomes before that.  Remember that shit?  Of course I live by Rock City so gnomes are like a part of my southern culture.  Oh you don't know what I'm talking about?  Well I think I just found my next post...

-Here's the new trailer for Robin Hood with Russell Crowe.  It's directed by Ridley Scott and has Cate Blanchett (my blonde Natalie Portman), some slow motion action scenes and some intense non-period rock and roll.  I can't wait.  It looks like Gladiator but more English.  Except for Russell's accent which sounds a lot like Kevin Costner's "accent" in the only Robin Hood movie I'll ever love.  I'm pretty sure I couples-only slow skated to "Everything I do I do it for you" about a million times.  And I only got pregnant to it once!!!  Hooray!!

*I actually love the chipmunks movie but only the eighties version - not that new CGI crap with Jason Lee.  He's a scientologist for god's sake and Simon is way too smart to put up with that nonsense.  He's a singing chipmunk not an imbecile.

Please Madame, can I have some more?

You want some more dark and moody things?  How about some fuzzy wuzzy animals?  These have been on my computer awhile and I just rediscovered them so let's all just relive it and pretend that we didn't see them all over the internet two years ago and that animal-inspired things are not on their way to becoming passe.  Particularly owls.  Or are they here to stay?  That first one is staring into my soul and hypnotizing me.  Good thing that unicorn injected me with love and glitter yesterday because otherwise all Mr. Hooty Hoo would have seen was a big pile of repressed rage, a black hole where my heart used to be and a stomach full of starbucks and jelly bellies.  FUCK YOU!!  It's been a rough morning OKAY??!!!  I've had an owl gazing into the abyss of my internal life!!!!!!

They are all from flickr photographer zeissizm.  Check out more here.

How do you solve a problem like purple?

Below is from Atlanta Homes and Lifestyles.  It's the new condos at the Ritz Carlton from designer Bob Brown.  The other photos of this place aren't that bad and I guess if I was being generous this feels "dramatic" and "vibrant" but I'm not feeling generous.  I'm feeling like I want to vomit.  Green chairs?  Ok.  Pink and orange pillows? Cute!  But gawdolmighty the purple on purple with the purple couch next to the green????  I think I just threw up in my mouth.  Yes that was definitely early morning vomit.

Purple and green really just make me think of this.

Oh shit it's making it's way to the runway this year.

It all just looks really close to this...

Bet you ten dollars and a bag of sour patch kids that in 6 months I'll LOVE it.  Because I'm that kind of fickle bitch.