Wednesday, August 3, 2016

A Black Flamingeaux Summer

*rolls rock away from cave, squints into the sun*

Look who it is, ghostbustin babes!  Feels like I've just been gone a few months but according to science it's been a year.  I have the internal clock (and body shape) of Jupiter.  If you're still here I applaud your loyalty/inability to update your blog preferences.

This year, y'all... truly the Coachella of all fuckfests.  Not only were all the planets in retrograde but everybody kept dying, we're in a severe drought and now we have Fuckface Von Clownstick with his tiny fingers too close to the nukes.  Feel the radiation burn.  I can't wait for this summer to be over.

But we did get Lemonade, Dr. Jillian Holtzmann and probably a lady president so there's that.  I had a really good hair day last month so this year hasn't been a total waste.

Turns out not blogging freed up some time to do some things like live life again, garden, write things in my MochiThings planner, renovate the Ranch and try to finds words that end in -o that I can replace with -eaux to make me sound edgier.  Pinteaux beans?  Dildeaux?

As much as we love butchering the English language, I know y'all love a rags-to-middle class makeover more.  Let me introduce you to my storage room/den/swingers' dungeon of delight that I spent six months transforming earlier this year.

This is AFTER the thrift store came and picked up tons of my shit to donate.
It was the former carport that was closed in some time 40+ years ago and never touched again. It holds my junk and Christmas decorations and Charlemagne also likes to nap in here because it gets great sunlight although you can't tell because the walls and floor are made of sadness.  Also duct tape which holds the seams together.

So New Year's day I had an itching to paint the walls and give her a good scrub down so I could quit thinking of this space as a sasquatch airbnb room.  Just a simple refresher, she said!  I'll be done by January 3rd!

Well the fresh paint highlighted just how ugly everything else still was...

Well, shit.  I guess I gotta paint my adjoining laundry room too...  And although the purists in my life wanted me to keep the original wood stain on the ceiling I just didn't have the mental strength to do any more loads of laundry under that shroud of cigarette-stained darkness.

The storage room/room of shame had an acoustic tiled ceiling which I assumed had wood underneath but wasn't sure.  I got bold after a gin-and-grapefruit one night and did some mild demo and WHEEEEE a pretty ceiling was revealed.

As was my new Spring hobby of removing hundreds of tiles and staples one by one.  
Look at that disgusting fan blade. I obviously didn't even go in this room...

My shoulders are boss now but my hands have been permanently deformed.

I have future plans for that stunning art, don't you worry.
So many tiles I had to Shawshank Redemption them and take them out in batches into my trash for a month straight.

Once all the demo was done and every staple were stepped on, each surface required three coats of Kilz and another three of Valspar's Ultra White in Satin finish.  I spent more time and money on paint than I ever have in my life.  But I LOVE the satin finish on everything.  All my future paint finishes will be this.

You have to cut in all this mess in the laundry room... Fuck me.
Time to go low.

Poor flooring dude scraping away two layers and decades of filth.
At this point since I was all in I decided to replace the disgusting old linoleum with fancy NEW LINOLEUM.  I was already spending all my tax return money so what the hell.  I didn't need that new laptop... The exact size I needed - down to the inch - was found in a dusty warehouse and that kind of serendipity can only be explained by Our Prince Who Art in Heaven and you can't say no to vinyl from the great dance club in the sky.

There were a few small hiccups to this whole process such as this disgusting brick ledge at the base of two of the walls I had to figure out how to cover nicely...

I just patched the wall holes, nothing fancy.
I found a handyman - who happened to be the kind of handsome that handyman porn cliches are pulled from - that helped take care of some of this mess.  He decided it would be easier to use a self-leveling concrete rather than building out a wood box over the brick and I didn't care as long as it was done fast and cheap.  Which is exactly how I prefer my porn.

Close enough.
It took weeks to get some concrete poured and trim installed and I'm just happy that I didn't end up in jail for murdering his handsome face.  Apparently beautiful people never developed the normal life skills that the rest of us ugly schmucks need to survive like time management, reliability and honesty. The longer I waited, the uglier he got.

Ok fine.
But in the end and after lots of paint this little ledge turned out more beautiful than he could ever be.  It's the Dorian Gray of home improvement projects.  And who would even care that this floor is basically plastic?!  Looks damn good to me.  But I'm just an ugly schmuck with Purple Jesus on my side.

Ahhh, sweet relief.  Not gonna lie, this room makes me immensely happy.  It's fairly huge - about 15x20 - and I do a lot of twirling in here.  And eventually yoga and barre and lots of crafting and other general merriment.

Don't forget about the laundry room!  I cannot believe I ever questioned leaving the dark wood ceiling.  My washing machine already leaked all over the floor and because my floor is waterproof I JUST MOPPED THAT SHIT UP NO PROBLEM.  

I haven't painted the back door yet. I just... couldn't go on...
Still looking for the perfect laundry room accessories and bins.  I think a rolling cart is in my future.  And lots of cool hooks.

The storage room of shame is now renamed the STUDIO and as soon as I get done caulking - so much caulk! Caulk everywhere! - I've got exciting things planned...

To review my extensive list of sources: Valspar Ultra White paint, IKEA Melodi pendants, brown "wood" vinyl from a local dirty warehouse, Edsal shelves I painted white and would never do again because it was awful, cheap rug from a different dirty warehouse, months of labor from myself, my dad and above handyman.

I had wanted to renovate this here blog or find another avenue for expression before I posted again but here we are.  Bloger is positively retro now.  I may not be posting mood boards and lifestyle fun times but I do want to keep a diary of home renovations.  I like to have the process all in one place and we can get all the other stuff at Pinterest.

But the exciting news is that this here studio space is going to become an Etsy shop in the next few weeks so stay tuned!  If you're still reading this you deserve a prize so expect deals and fun stuff just for you.  I might be entering an oversaturated market but I'm stoked and I have a lot of vintage beauties that need good homes like y'all's.

So I hope your year has been great so far and let me know anything I missed!  And how many Pokemon Geaux guys you've caught so far...