Would Kendrick Lamar like to dive into one of these?

If you live down South you know that we are experiencing one of nature's finest gifts right now: Spring.  This environmental phenomenon is actually a beautiful Trojan horse that brings with it the pollen plague which is straight from the pages of Revelations.  

Pollen, locusts, Amanda Bynes... shit's gettin' real, y'all.  And it's fucking disgusting.

Everything is coated in yellow including Charlemagne and the only thing more obnoxious than how dirty everything has become is the yellow-tinted snot that is coming out of people's orifices.

Even Charlemagne has one leaky eye.  Don't worry, she wipes it on the furniture because ew gross not even animals want snot running down their faces thanks cat.

So as I drove through yellow parking lots and tried to find the sun through the yellow haze, I've been having spiritually pornographic daydreams about the cleansing power of water.  A bath, some rain, a very large sprinkler hooked up to the Tennessee river...  anything.  

I'd even take a baptism by a bottle of Dasani with some holes poked in it should things get any worse.  But I'd rather have a dip in one of these:

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Pool porn.  Just when you thought you were immune to the power of interiors porn, landscape architects grab you by the balls and remind you that your outsides are shitty and you better step up your game if you are to be a functioning member of society.

A few flagstone paths courtesy of a weekend DIY class at Home Depot ain't gonna cut it anymore.  Pinterest has moved on to this:

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Gawddamn them.  Just for spite, I hope they are Left Behind like the rest of us heathens.  Spite is probably the kind of sin that'll make me Left Behind.  

Worth it.

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I would also engage in many, MANY more sins if it means I could have a swimming hole like that one above with what I'm going to label a crude torii but someone please correct me.

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Forget those boring McMansion pools, I want a pool that looks like Zeus himself sent down lightning bolts of landscape design and carved a crater out of granite just so I can soak in the fresh dew it collects.

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Bet when you swim here you don't have to fight that horrible vacuum thingy that always tries to drown me.  Asshole.

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Please no one say in the comments how dirty these pools would be without the vacuum and filter.  These are my explicit XXX fantasies of pool porn where there are no such things as the floating dead frogs you find in the morning or the bugs that always get stuck in my hair.

Oh... I guess *I'M* actually the filter here.

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Worth it.

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I'd even accept a swimming hole not created by Zeus in the middle of a rock paradise... perhaps the top of a skyscraper.  I don't know, I'm open.  As long as night swimming is involved I'll be fine.

Night swimming is one of my favorite things in the world right up there with mashed potatoes or someone playing with my hair or eating mashed potatoes while floating in a pool while someone plays with my hair.  (While hopefully getting out any dead bugs)

here (Sorry, just liking to the pins today. I'll be better in the future.)

However, swinging over the ocean might just eek out mashed potatoes.  It depends on how much cheese we're talking about though.

And after the terrible start to this week, I think I might like the simple, naive comfort of some mashed potatoes and just floating for a while.

Since all the pools are freezing and have so much pollen in them as to become a thick paste, actual floating seems out of the question.  So I've decided to indulge myself in a mini vacation to New Orleans this weekend.  Prepare for tales of beignets and voodoo next week.

Probably gonna get Left Behind for that too.

Worth it.