Welcome to Lemane Vintage! Any excuse to use 'Fecundity' more often.

Hoo boy.  Who would have thought that a year of absolute awfulness would have been punctuated with a fascist exclamation point?  Did Mercury retrograde itself directly into the Sun?  Did I verb a noun one too many times and now we're here?  

Most of 2016 was just a series of unfortunate events - everything broke just when I needed to use it, I hemorrhaged money, technical difficulties, you name it, tragedy happened.  But I was really proud that no matter what random daily shit storm that was served to me on a silver platter of awful I didn't lose sight of my goals and I'm not going to do that now.  We can't let the terrorists when. Even when the CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.

Rather than wait even longer until our world isn't on fire anymore - both figuratively and literally here in TN - I'm officially announcing the opening of my Etsy store of fabulosity.  Squeee!  

So welcome to Lemane Vintage, online pusher of eclectic finds and vintage soul.  And that's Luh-mane.  Bonus points for how many syllables you can drag the 'mane' out to be.  More than two and congrats, you're Southern.

The shop is all about vintage decor and accessories (and maybe some clothing soon)!  Finally I have a real excuse for spending so much time at those estate sales.  IT'S FOR BUSINESS, MOM!  And despite this year's atrocities, I've had so much fun gathering all kinds of goodies and finding them new friends to hand out with in the studio... 

...until they come to live in your stylish home!  I'm essentially opening a rescue mission for vintage decor.

But all this is happening because of the renovation I told you about last time.  Welcome to the home base of Lemane Vintage, my new studio.

It went from room of shame to workroom of smiles with only all my savings and a bucket of tears!

All of these shelves are lined with my wares which I've been collecting over the past year or so.  Turns out I'm much faster at shopping than taking pictures.  

Not only is this my craft room, art studio, online workshop, laundry overflow and sometimes yoga room, it's gonna be a jungle too!  All the plants that were suffering in other parts of the house have been moved in here for more sun.  A ficus was even donated to the cause.  

I love hanging out in the space because of the light but also because it's constantly in movement.  Friends are coming and going and new items come in and move around... just good positive vibes all around.  More homey than fussy.  That should be my shop motto.

We got your wall hangings and your boho brass and all the mid century glittery things your heart (and mine) could desire.  Seriously, some of these things are hard to let go.  Please give these good homes before they wander back into my living room...

I honestly felt a little guilty launching a personal venture during our country's time of crisis but if I've learned anything recently it's that ACTION is key.  Just gotta add activism to our hobbies.  Your Tindr profile better say you like homebrew and social justice.  

So once I realized I could multitask and both fight injustice AND start a passion project, I got serious with setting up the shop.  Self care to facilitate service.  Embodiment for empowerment.  Fecundity against fascism!  Damn, I obviously should have opened a pithy tshirt business instead of a vintage store! 

And I have a framed picture of Lagertha so a warrior can watch over me and kick my ass when I need it.  I will have her bless every item with badassery before it heads out the door.

Both this room and setting up the shop took a long ass time to happen but it's 110% worth it and I'm loving it.  I'm having a lot of fun and sending these rescued items out to their new homes is the best feeling!  

This handsome Bauer casserole and server needs macaroni and cheese in it ASAP.

Come hang out with me on Etsy at Lemane Vintage and on Instagram.  And since y'all have a special place in my heart all ModSauce readers get 15% the rest of this month using the code ModernSauce15.  I heart y'all and will try to set up listings for lots more items for y'all to choose from.  The sun is such an asshole and sets at 3 pm so it's cutting into my photography time.  Ugh, thanks astronomy.

Lemane and Lagertha and Lacy 4eva.

A Black Flamingeaux Summer

*rolls rock away from cave, squints into the sun*

Look who it is, ghostbustin babes!  Feels like I've just been gone a few months but according to science it's been a year.  I have the internal clock (and body shape) of Jupiter.  If you're still here I applaud your loyalty/inability to update your blog preferences.

This year, y'all... truly the Coachella of all fuckfests.  Not only were all the planets in retrograde but everybody kept dying, we're in a severe drought and now we have Fuckface Von Clownstick with his tiny fingers too close to the nukes.  Feel the radiation burn.  I can't wait for this summer to be over.

But we did get Lemonade, Dr. Jillian Holtzmann and probably a lady president so there's that.  I had a really good hair day last month so this year hasn't been a total waste.

Turns out not blogging freed up some time to do some things like live life again, garden, write things in my MochiThings planner, renovate the Ranch and try to finds words that end in -o that I can replace with -eaux to make me sound edgier.  Pinteaux beans?  Dildeaux?

As much as we love butchering the English language, I know y'all love a rags-to-middle class makeover more.  Let me introduce you to my storage room/den/swingers' dungeon of delight that I spent six months transforming earlier this year.

This is AFTER the thrift store came and picked up tons of my shit to donate.

It was the former carport that was closed in some time 40+ years ago and never touched again. It holds my junk and Christmas decorations and Charlemagne also likes to nap in here because it gets great sunlight although you can't tell because the walls and floor are made of sadness.  Also duct tape which holds the seams together.

So New Year's day I had an itching to paint the walls and give her a good scrub down so I could quit thinking of this space as a sasquatch airbnb room.  Just a simple refresher, she said!  I'll be done by January 3rd!

Well the fresh paint highlighted just how ugly everything else still was...

Well, shit.  I guess I gotta paint my adjoining laundry room too...  And although the purists in my life wanted me to keep the original wood stain on the ceiling I just didn't have the mental strength to do any more loads of laundry under that shroud of cigarette-stained darkness.

The storage room/room of shame had an acoustic tiled ceiling which I assumed had wood underneath but wasn't sure.  I got bold after a gin-and-grapefruit one night and did some mild demo and WHEEEEE a pretty ceiling was revealed.

As was my new Spring hobby of removing hundreds of tiles and staples one by one.  

Look at that disgusting fan blade. I obviously didn't even go in this room...

My shoulders are boss now but my hands have been permanently deformed.

I have future plans for that stunning art, don't you worry.

So many tiles I had to Shawshank Redemption them and take them out in batches into my trash for a month straight.

Once all the demo was done and every staple were stepped on, each surface required three coats of Kilz and another three of Valspar's Ultra White in Satin finish.  I spent more time and money on paint than I ever have in my life.  But I LOVE the satin finish on everything.  All my future paint finishes will be this.

You have to cut in all this mess in the laundry room... Fuck me.

Time to go low.

Poor flooring dude scraping away two layers and decades of filth.

At this point since I was all in I decided to replace the disgusting old linoleum with fancy NEW LINOLEUM.  I was already spending all my tax return money so what the hell.  I didn't need that new laptop... The exact size I needed - down to the inch - was found in a dusty warehouse and that kind of serendipity can only be explained by Our Prince Who Art in Heaven and you can't say no to vinyl from the great dance club in the sky.

There were a few small hiccups to this whole process such as this disgusting brick ledge at the base of two of the walls I had to figure out how to cover nicely...

I just patched the wall holes, nothing fancy.

I found a handyman - who happened to be the kind of handsome that handyman porn cliches are pulled from - that helped take care of some of this mess.  He decided it would be easier to use a self-leveling concrete rather than building out a wood box over the brick and I didn't care as long as it was done fast and cheap.  Which is exactly how I prefer my porn.

Close enough.

It took weeks to get some concrete poured and trim installed and I'm just happy that I didn't end up in jail for murdering his handsome face.  Apparently beautiful people never developed the normal life skills that the rest of us ugly schmucks need to survive like time management, reliability and honesty. The longer I waited, the uglier he got.

Ok fine.

But in the end and after lots of paint this little ledge turned out more beautiful than he could ever be.  It's the Dorian Gray of home improvement projects.  And who would even care that this floor is basically plastic?!  Looks damn good to me.  But I'm just an ugly schmuck with Purple Jesus on my side.

Ahhh, sweet relief.  Not gonna lie, this room makes me immensely happy.  It's fairly huge - about 15x20 - and I do a lot of twirling in here.  And eventually yoga and barre and lots of crafting and other general merriment.

Don't forget about the laundry room!  I cannot believe I ever questioned leaving the dark wood ceiling.  My washing machine already leaked all over the floor and because my floor is waterproof I JUST MOPPED THAT SHIT UP NO PROBLEM.  

I haven't painted the back door yet. I just... couldn't go on...

Still looking for the perfect laundry room accessories and bins.  I think a rolling cart is in my future.  And lots of cool hooks.

The storage room of shame is now renamed the STUDIO and as soon as I get done caulking - so much caulk! Caulk everywhere! - I've got exciting things planned...

To review my extensive list of sources: Valspar Ultra White paint, IKEA Melodi pendants, brown "wood" vinyl from a local dirty warehouse, Edsal shelves I painted white and would never do again because it was awful, cheap rug from a different dirty warehouse, months of labor from myself, my dad and above handyman.

I had wanted to renovate this here blog or find another avenue for expression before I posted again but here we are.  Bloger is positively retro now.  I may not be posting mood boards and lifestyle fun times but I do want to keep a diary of home renovations.  I like to have the process all in one place and we can get all the other stuff at Pinterest.

But the exciting news is that this here studio space is going to become an Etsy shop in the next few weeks so stay tuned!  If you're still reading this you deserve a prize so expect deals and fun stuff just for you.  I might be entering an oversaturated market but I'm stoked and I have a lot of vintage beauties that need good homes like y'all's.

So I hope your year has been great so far and let me know anything I missed!  And how many Pokemon Geaux guys you've caught so far...

Chindi Rug Hack: Crafting for Masochists!

I accidentally fell into a time warp of some kind and haven't blogged in three weeks - I done got the Spring fever!  It's been a whirlwind of day job stress, Flonase and trying to get up the nerve to give myself the first real pedicure of the season.  I still haven't done that part BUT I've been spending most of my time prepping the yard and planning for some major changes in the next month or so.

Looks like I know shit about plants, right?!

This looks waaay more professional than it actually is because graph paper makes everything look very serious.  77% of a solid legal defense is because of graph paper.  It's true.  Hopefully I won't need a legal defense for some plants because I am ripping out bushes so big I had to call the utility people to make sure I don't destroy something vital.  More on all that fucking mess project later!

I did, however, finish a crafty project that took a good chunk of my last remaining wintery nights.  My hallway is getting some love this year after getting a fresh coat of paint and now we're focusing on textiles.  

Unfortunately my hallway is incredibly long and narrow which makes shopping for a runner an exercise in frustration.  I needed a runner that's 2.5' by about 15' which is ornery as hell.  I guess I could have had a piece of carpet bound but most of that shit is boring or expensive and I really just didn't want to google for twelve hours "how to get rug cheap pretty."  

However, something that is not boring or expensive is a chindi rug!  I have a soft spot for chindis (or rag rugs) since they're handmade of recycled materials and delightfully happy for all your funkiest needs.  In this case, an aggressively long hallway.

The good about chindis is that they're knotted together with warp yarn so in (my) theory I should be able to knot them all together to make one loooong chindi, right?  This is a rhetorical question because I did it.  They above picture is a picture of a "seam" but I won't tell you where it is.  Well, I guess it's obvious to me but I'm really selling this DIY and I bet dinner guests won't notice!

What you'll need is a selection of chindis - I found a bunch at Ollie's which is a local discount place kinda like Big Lots - and a disregard for your free time.  Also a yarn needle.

I didn't know I would need this but had one because I was helping my mom with some crochet knots and it came in quite useful because my fingernails were hurting.  You'll see why.

You can see some of the rug fringe on the right that I'm untying, separating the warp and then retying into smaller knots to the opposite rug.  You'll need that yarn needle.  I tried to stitch the rugs together and then just duct taping them together and and then I tried tying them together without untying the fringe knots and nothing really worked well.  

I don't even know why I'm explaining to you how to do this like it's a real tutorial because no one else in the history of DIYing would ever do this.  Hell, I may never do this again.

This is less than a foot of knots.  I unknotted then reknotted about 10 feet of this.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!  I musta been drunk on the fact that these rugs were less than $4 each because this took a long ass mothafuckin time.  Feel free to call me Unbreakable Lacy Sauce because with enough delusion and Netflix, anything is possible.

BUT at the end of it I've forgotten all the pain and the stiff neck and the nights my friends were out partying and I was home alone on the couch underneath a pile of stinky rags because I think it turned out decently (for a $25 investment).

Sorry, poor hallway lighting.

It's a little wonky at the bottom (that was my first one) and I wish it was 8 inches wider but we all have wishes.  

Best of all, now Charlemagne can run up and down the hallway with some traction rather than look like she's Wile E. Coyote running in place.

Pardon the hairball, there was a small window of time when you're photographing cats and it's shedding season.

She would walk NEXT TO the rug for a few weeks but finally has felt okay walking on top of it and dare I say napping on it.  I've since added a rug pad to help it stay put since it drifts on top of the hardwood when we play chase.

So am I happy that I have a rug in this space?  Yes, I want Julie Andrews to add chindis to her list of favorite things.  Would I do this again or encourage someone else to do it?  Only if you're recently unemployed and have nothing to occupy your time and mildly hate yourself.

Just kidding.  Kind of.

If you like to inflict pain on yourself are you a sadist or a masochist?  Or maybe just a character from the Scarlet Letter?

But I bet I have prettier floor coverings than the puritans.

Ranch updates and $KILLET KORNBRED

It ain't always glittery decor fun times and glamorous shopping trips here at the Ranch.  It's real life.  And a real life design blogger/house renovator is full of boring and tedious things in case you were confused by reading other blogs.  Sometimes I am.  

So here's an update about all the boring things I've been doing so far this winter that may result in nice things later.  Or maybe just needed to get done.

First up: the hallway.  My hallway hasn't been painted in about seven years so I figured it was time.  It's also time to give it some art and a rug and generally make it look like a real space and not just a forgotten space.  I think about 50% of my house is a "forgotten space" so I should probably look into that next...

After I painted my bedroom I wanted to connect it to the hallway in the name of continuity!  And I had some paint leftover.  So the hallway went from a weird dark brown to Valspar's Forest Canopy.  Now it looks like my hallway just couldn't contain itself and spilled over into my bedroom.

Sorry for shitty picture.  It's the same color and looks good, swearsies.

YOU CANNOT CONTAIN ME, NARROW SPACE!

Charlemagne cannot resist a camera or opportunity to sit even three inches higher.

When I first moved in and started working in my house rooms were made livable renovated really far apart so they're kinda disjointed.  Looking to fix that in the future.

The hallway took way longer to paint than I had wanted because the weekend weather got unseasonably warm.  Last year at this time was the Ice Hell in Atlanta and the South, remember?  This year, 60 and sunny.  Because of such glorious weather I decided to get a jump start on my yard projects

I know how to mulch but I only had one bag on hand.  Leniency, please.

I'm spreading the gospel of the Plant Swap/Charity and nabbed these mature Aucubas from a friend's house.  They were cut down for removal purposes and half dead so I hope they survive because I think I threw my back out digging these holes.  Hell, one root nub was too heavy for me to even lift so I drug it from the other end of my house to this spot.  You'd think I'd learn by now.

But what the Madame giveth, she also taketh awayeth.

After much deliberation I put four holly bushes out of their misery.

The small one.

Actually it was MY misery because I loathe these plants.  They were huge - the largest about eight feet in diameter - and almost too tall to trim.  Which they needed often.  And every time that happened I would come away scratched and bleeding.  Makes for a cranky Madame.  

Burn in hell, assholes.

I sprayed the exposed branches with Round-Up and in a few weeks/months a pair of strong young men will come and rip the entire stump mess from the ground with some chains and an F350.  Or just me and a nice friend because we are cheaper.  I love demo.  New landscaping will happen this Spring so YAY!  Buying my chiropractor visits in bulk!

I was hesitant to cut them down because they are probably 50+ years old and that seems wrong BUT then I talked to some smart plant people and they said holly bushes are considered invasive (you can see all those miserable runners on the ground up above) and a pest.  OOOHHH well in that case, buh bye.  There were also SEVERAL privet "weeds" (see in top pic) and other shitty vines growing inside the bush which grew at different rates than the holly itself and required different trimming schedules so fuck all y'all, we done.  

There were whole ecosystems inside the holly bushes apparently but being within Charlemagne's reach was not a smart real estate decision, birds.  I'm doing this for your future!

In news of garden projects that I can actually handle, I took a class and made a miniature garden!

The Barn Nursery (a local garden center for you non-locals) offered a fairy/miniature garden class.  I have no desire to put a fairy having tea and flipping through their miniature ipad in a garden but some people built swing sets and houses and lakes and all kinds of shit.  I just wanted to go because they had free moss, rocks and dirt.  FREE DIRT?!  This is what being a homeowner does to you.

Besides, I already had some gnomes at home (my Christmas gnomes from Salt and Ginger!) that needed a home the other eleven months of the year.  

I didn't do a succulent planting because I have enough of those and why not try something different?  So I tried things with, like, real leaves and shit.

I also started some cuttings from my rosemary bush last Fall and look how good these roots are doing?!

These will go in pots this weekend and hopefully all 6 cuttings I started will grow up nice and healthy.  Please pray for me.  Maybe I should get some gnomes for them too.

When I'm not communing with nature and/or mass murdering plants, I've been purging inside my house.  I've been undergoing a massive closet and beauty supply purge, supplying Goodwill for the next year and generally trying to avoid the allure of thrifting and junkin.  

More closet updates later, I'm sure.

Switched to all velvet hangers (and after the purge) I have sooo much space in my closet now.  Let's not talk about the sweaters...

I'm practically living life like a monk!  

Almost...  

I couldn't quite eliminate ALL thrifting and did acquire a couple of these vintage Biltons ironstone dishes for under a dollar and they are amazing.

Those are brown specks, not blood spatter...

Of course, I can't find any more to buy on ebay and the only plates I found where about $20 a piece so thanks for nothing.  This is my punishment for shopping when I shouldn't have.

In other kitchen "news" I got a cast iron skillet for Christmas this year!  So metal.  I asked for one because everyone - Mormon moms to hipsters to grandmas - seem to have one and rave about it so it seemed like the right thing to do.

What the MS Ranch looks like now.

I must say it's heavier than hell and it seems to require a nightly rub down and is more moisturized than my skin so I'm not sure I made the right request from Santa.  Did I?  I WANT THE $KILLET KORNBRED!

$KILLET KORNBRED is the name of my neo-bluegrass Insane Clown Posse cover band.

Hey, y'all remember when we talked about a haunted pirate house in California that kept burning down called the Cliff House?  Well a reader happened to see the postcard I included and sent it to me!

How cool is that?!  Thank you, J.  I have such great readers.  Please buy my $KILLET KORNBRED album when it drops.

You may also remember that I started working on organizing my jewelry last Fall and I finally have a solution!  We'll talk jewelry trays next week.  See?  I have follow-through!

The life of homeowner: full of destruction and sparkles and mild to moderate procrastination.

Merry Christmas from the ModSauce Ranch!

IT HAS BEGUN.  My body has been consumed by the spirit of glitter and excess and I am TRANSFORMED.  And bloated.  Maybe it's the eggnog.

Either way I'm ready to explode with joy and moderately priced gifts bought out of love through Amazon.

Here's what Christmas is looking like at the Ranch this year.

Wreath starting to sag? Turn it clockwise a few hours and you're good to go!

Mr. Slim Wreath got moved to above my couch to rain good tidings and small spiders on my head.  And yes I keep eleventeen blankets on my couch at all times.  This selection inclues one my mom crocheted for me, the plaid is from the 1996 JCP catalog and is totally back in style now and the bottom "fur" one is from the (yes) Dollar General.  I meant to use it as a tree skirt but Charlemagne and I rather liked it...

This is her happy blanket face.  It kinda looks like her bitch face and hungry face and annoyed face and tummy rubs face. 

I've also been on the citrus train this holiday season.  Making pomanders is a great childhood memory for me which I tried to recreate a few years ago only to realize those cloves are torture devices straight from Krampus himself!  BUT I tried to put them into Clementines and sweet citrus savior in he manger it was a dream.  Now my house smells divine and I've retained use of my fingers.  A win/win!

I don't know what's happening on my coffee table... a win/lose?  It's like a plate of old food mixed with shiny things...?  I think it's a collection of leftover ornaments that didn't make it on the tree so I just left them there.  I shoulda studied more Dutch still life references.

Forgot to put candles in the lanterns...

Over on the sideboard I hung up some dried orange slices also studded with cloves.  If I was a punk rocker that's my clothes would be studded with: cloves.  

That combo is my favorite holiday scent, obviously.  I've petitioned for some Pop-tarts and pizza rolls of the same flavors but they haven't returned my harassing phone calls.

Yes, this twig thing stays up all year.  Don't care.

Now these ARE orange slices since I need a bigger round.  Sliced and baked on a rack at 250 for about three hours or so.  I decorated with some cloves but I've seen really cute ones with cranberries and cinnamon sticks tied on - just search Pinterest and tons of options come up.  So easy.  Will make again x 100. 

Tiny Santa and a church death candle.  Remember, dark Christmas.

Also feeling the big Moroccan lantern for this holiday? More next year?

It's a jumbled mess but I'm feeling it.  That skull is working its way through every season around here.  Wait til you see what I do with it for Easter!

Someone should name them!  I have three!

I haven't bought a lot of new decoration items this year but I did find these adorable little porcelain gnomes on Instagram from a great etsy shop called Salt and Ginger. I bought them with the intent to give them as gifts but I don't think I can let them go.  I mean, Chattanooga kinda has a gnome theme and also I'm selfish.

They are about 100 years old and were dug out of the ground outside a German toy factory so they are gnome zombies. 

They go well with my Crate and Barrel village that is terrorized by glittered dinosaurs and foxes.

It's a regular menagerie of weirdness up in here!

I see that calligraphy class is coming in handy.  Just kidding that's wonky as fuck...  I hope my instructor isn't reading this.

Saucy tip: I like yarn because it's soft and I have fantasies of learning to knit one day but it also is cheaper than fancy twine and ribbon for wrapping presents.  

However, I did enjoy making this giant yarn pom as a bow!  Tutorial here.

I strongly recommend NOT buying IKEA wrapping paper.  UGH.

It's yarn MADE of tiny poms that became a giant pom.  It's a pom within a pom.  Inception pom.  

Might I also recommend leather or suede to tie your gifts?  It's like Christmas for a lumbersexual.  I can practically smell the forest in here oh wait I can it's the all the fresh greenery I've used.  

Moms.  They probably don't care how amateur the calligraphy is, thank gawd.

Yes, that's the snake tail from last year that may or may not have stayed out all year...

I'm a little meh with my tree this year but if you squint it looks fine.

Charlemagne doesn't mind.

So I've got a lot more crafting and baking up ahead but here's where we are right now.  And by here I mean watching dystopian movies like Snowpiercer (OMG) and Divergent while I wrap the last of the gifts and try to find something else to put Fireball in.  Again, I strongly recommend you explore the darker side of the season if for no other reason than Snowpiercer is just that good.

So Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Joyous Thursday to you all from all of us at the ModSauce Ranch.

I spend way too much time drawing these for how they look.  But lettering slightly better here? 

Thank you for reading me this year when I've been all grumpy and unfunny and for all your comments and support.  They mean a lot and it just goes to show I have an amazing bunch of readers.  All six of you!

I'm going to be taking the next few weeks off so I'll see all you saucy cats in 2015!