Are you my mom, Imperial Tortoise?

As a person that draws pattern all day every day I have a love/hate relationship with graphic prints and textiles and greeting cards and everything in the world that's covered in pattern which is now everything.  Kleenex boxes, the actual facial tissue itself, toothbrushes, kitchen knives, lampshades, strollers, airplanes, whatever, just put a pattern on it and charge more.

Patterns are like family.  I love them enough to be intimately involved with them from inception to completion but after work I don't want to hear, talk, look, smell, fondle or even sense an organized collection of lines anywhere within 50 feet of me.  Like, I love you but don't call me after 5 or on the weekends.  Ever.

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Actually, I spend significantly more time with patterns than my family so analyze that.  I also try to avoid putting something I designed in my own house. If feels very incestuous...

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But sometimes I'm overwhelmed with familial guilt pulled by the siren song of fresh graphics courtesy of ye olde internet and can't resist a picture dump.

Urban Caligraphy

These are probably the opposite of David Hicks/ "Imperial Trellis" which is perfectly fine by me.  Imperial Trellis is the cage where my soul would be trapped inside in hell.

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But I like an Imperial Turtle.  Or Tortoise?!  I'm dumb, I don't know. 

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I tend to be drawn to patterns that look like they've been around for a few thousand years (even if they went through a hipster filter before the tattoo approval process).  It let's me off the hook for trying to reinvent the wheel or something.

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Or I like patterns that look infinite and not like designed at all.   It's visual zen for my overworked eyes and placates my Virgo attention-to-detail.

Guido Macofico

Of course, Mother Nature does some pretty badass designing but she's a pro so I'll let her heavy-handedness pass on occasion.  Aren't triangles and diamonds a little over trend right now anyway, hhmm?  Try reading Refinery29 once in a while, Mother Nature.

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Robert Cartwright

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I also prefer patterns that I could not or would not design.  Not that I'm a super great designer of amazing awesomeness by any means, but everybody has their wheelhouse of tricks.  My tricks include the design equivalent of drunk herky so I guess that leaves me pretty open to y'alls shit.

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And open to skulls and smart backlighting.

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somewhere here

And open to a cartoon bag and gold pants.  When Target knocks them all off, of course.

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I could certainly deal with seeing this type of pattern every day.  I might be inclined to trade some relatives for it.  It could be my new family.

Love me?

(high five if you got the Boogie Nights reference in the title)

Where food porn comes to life but not in a gross way.

So I did this thing last weekend that you are totally gonna want to do because it's a good thing.  An easy thing.  A fun thing.  A thing that's slightly embarrassing but also really cool and it's like a bridging your internet life with your real life and that's always good right?  Unless we're talking about your sexcam business and I think we all agree that should never be brought into real life. Ew.

After talking with some friends, we came up with the idea of doing a Pinterest dinner party!  We really need to work on the branding here because it sounds fucking lame as shit but it wasn't.  

Everyone has their personal recipe boards that are always full of delightful food porn but 90% you'll never make because pinning is almost LIKE cooking it except not at all.  Well, if you throw a potluck then people magically get excited to try those things.  

It's like how I decide to host a dinner party to magically force myself to clean my house.  It's the only way I'll ever have all rooms of my house reasonably clean at one time.  They usually revolve in various stages of clean to dirty but each on their own schedule.

But I was able to make the living room presentable, threw a tablecloth on the coffee table and some Cosco flowers in some vases and we got this party on and poppin. 

In my floor.

Welcome to the ModSauce Ranch living room.

I'm a great host.  Hope you didn't have back problems, friends, because we're bohemian chic now whether you like it or not.

Anyway, the menu included some stuffed peppers and banana pudding that were delicious but not from Pinterest therefore I'm pretending they don't exist. because it's fucking with my theme.  Other items included salt and vinegar kale mashed potatoes and spicy Thai noodles and they were delightful.  We gave a big middle finger to a cohesive menu.

I made bacon jam from here because BACON JAM and how could you not want to spread pork on things?  

from my Instagram

I threw it on some Havarti and crackers and it was pretty damn good.  It needed something to detract that it was a meat paste and someone suggested a thin slice of apple or pear and I think my brain exploded with the idea.  I also put it on a burger later and it was ridonk.

I also made a black bean and quinoa salad from Oh She Glows that was good but not blowing me away.

pic from Oh She Glows

It needed more dressing so I just kept throwing on anything wet I could find the rest of the week.  My Costco sells quinoa by the barrel so I'm making quinoa every damn week now.  I'm the youngest person in Costco by far but my lust for quinoa is of meme proportions and I'm fine with that.  

I'll be the posterchild for middle class white people with my Costco card and barrel of quinoa while people make fun of me on Reddit and I won't care because I got my perfect protein at bargain prices and it's fucking delicious.

I also made some Thai turkey meatballs in a green curry from here that was pretty bangin.

pic from Minnesota Monthly

Would actually be good over noodles like a Thai spaghetti and meatballs but we just ate them naked.  Look, I can't do everything around here.  It took a long ass time to spread that thrift store tablecloth on my coffee table.

All in all I thought it was a really fun time and it made me/us actually turn Pinterfantasy to reality and with delicious results.  

The best part is that that I'm still eating bacon jam at least twice a day and have a shit ton more Thai meatballs in the freezer waiting for a nice evening when I need them.  

Thanks, Pinterest!  I've given you three years and you've given me bacon paste and meatballs!  I think it's a fair exchange.

An Augtober kind of neighborhood

I don't know about y'all but I feel like I'm living in an alternate universe this summer.  Global warming made August feel like October and now my sinuses are having a hurricane of snot in my head.  I'm having to chew with my mouth open because I can't breathe.  Thanks, Obama.

I cancelled most of my cable so I feel adrift in a sea of 24/7 non-HD Sheldon Cooper reruns and I'm praying for a swift and painless drowning.  

I joined the 21st century and tried this new "online dating" thang for a hot minute only to realize that I must live in a princess bubble of sequins and sunshine because 113% of the available population in my area is either a sociopath, someone who sends me bad poetry or has Jesus as their sassy gay friend.  Sometimes all three at once.  Everyone is illiterate.  Maybe I'll change my profile pic to me chewing with my mouth open...  

Probably get some weirdo who has a chewing fetish. He'll write me a dirty poem about masturbating to my mastication...  Summer of 2013, y'all!

Anychewzles, maybe because my life is currently very surreal I'm having a love affair with this project by Kid Zoom aka Ian Strange.

He's traveling around the country turning real houses into commentary about suburbia and the icon of homes but frankly I just want a big red cartoon house.

Some design bloggers might suggest matching your crown molding to your wall color but we take things to a whole new level around here.

Maybe it's the hurricane of snot and allergy meds in my head but this seems like a fantastic idea.

Oh.  Yes.  I'm sure my neighbors will think my house is marked by gawd because there's a plague inside but I'll be like "Nope, it's art, fuckers!"

They're gonna be even more confused if I tried to burn the Ranch down for ART then...

All pics (and more) from Arrested Motion

Hope everyone is having a fantastic Augtober with minimal snot hurricanes.  This weekend I'll be plotting what kind of large scale graffiti I'm going to apply to the exterior of my house.

I bet you're starting to think those suburban neighborhood HOA guidelines are pretty damn beneficial now, huh?!

Tough shit.  This is America. 

Where British people paint our houses for art and we like it.

Already Saucy

Wow I think I must have passed out from all those pills (vitamins) I've been binging on and spirits (sweet tea) I've been funneling because I swear I just blogged a week ago.  I must be overdosing on summer.

I'll be back again in a few days I swear but in the meantime head over to one of my favorite body positive/style blogs Already Pretty.  I'm guest posting about the fun and (maybe a tad) philosophical way in which fashion and interiors are friends.

Mario Testino for Vogue via Fashionising

Just like how Karlie Kloss is probably friends with that room.  Or maybe I want to be friends with that room.  Probably rather be friends with the room than Karlie...

I'm sure she's a lovely person.

But I bet I could cuddle better with the couch.  Just sayin.

So I'll see y'all soon but go check me out hanging with Sally at Already Pretty and make sure to follow Sally on Twitter too.

We're Already Saucy over here so it's a guest blogging relationship that's meant to be.

Orange is the new blue.

It's summer so normal people are doing summer things like softball or going to water parks or other activities that appear in tampon commercials.  

I don't do those things because all that shit is HOT and kinda poopy if water parks are involved.  

My summer consists of "cool" summer fun like eating a lot of cold salsa (that's inside burritos) and avoiding the sun.  

You really don't know how fucking terrible the sun is until it's with you for 22 hours of the day.  It's everywhere, y'all, and it never goes to bed.  I can't escape it's melanomic ways.

So I've been having dirty, sinful thoughts about taking off all my clothes at midnight and breaking into someone's backyard.  Where I will go night swimming.  One of my favorite activities of all time.

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Except if you're talking about swimming in a lake because that's just gross and I don't like to do that during the day time.

Not a damn clue...

But a pool, the ocean or even a large culvert will do me just fine.  Hey, I'm not picky about my nighttime water parks.

Here I think...

In somewhat unrelated visual news, I'm kinda getting obsessed with deep, midnight, inky, not gonna get e. coli from swimming in the water, dark blue.  I think it's my color for this summer.

Sonja Delauney DREAMS

And the color of my DREAMS.

Cover design by John Gall

My dreams of water.  I'm really reaching for this interpretation, huh?

Nicolas de Stael

Technically my favorite color this summer is orange because I've started binge watching Orange is the New Black aka "The Story of What Would Happen if Lacy Went to Prison" and it's marvelous.

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It's not what I thought even though I really didn't have any expectations but it's worth your time.  

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It's technically my version of night swimming.  On the couch.  Charlemagne's a licker so it's kinda wet...?

Night swimming heaven right here.  It's like swimming inside magic.  Or your neighbor's kiddie pool at 1 AM.  Same thing.

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Carlo Scarpa photographed by Daniel Boudinet

A little golden river... like peeing in the ocean methinks.  (Sorry, fancy architect)

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And almost more than stolen kiddie pool moments, I love all these watery paintings by Andrea Pramuk.  

I would steal one then go to prison and they'd make a show about it that you could binge watch.  My gift to the world.

Hope they have cold salsa (in burritos) in prison.

What would a redneck Harajuku Girl look like? Because I'm going to be one soon.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic summer so far.  Apparently it's already July which is basically August which is pre-Fall and being in Fall right now is blowing my mind.  

Might as well put up my Christmas tree.

What else is blowing my mind lately is this great collection of mid-century photography of rural homes in Japan by Yukio Futagawa.

What, what, in the hut.  (Sorry, I know it's not a hut but I was incredibly amused by the rhyme.  I'll do better.)  

I read that Futagawa is considered the Walker Evans of Japanese architecture which was the only sentence I needed to read about him.  I practically took a running leap down that rabbit hole like one of the Supernatural boys was waiting on me at the bottom with a plate of sushi and some ice cream. 

Is there such a thing as Southern Gothic in Japan?  Because I think I'd like to write a saucy dissertation about it.

After I finish this plate of fictional sushi that Dean Winchester is feeding me...

Although he photographed his entire life, Futagawa's most famous photographs of rural homes was published in a set of ten books, this cover being one of them.  He traveled to many cities mapping each one and documenting the architecturally things.

He mostly documented "minka" which were the vernacular houses originally intended for farmers, merchants and working class.  I'd never known the name for these types of structures and I find the word 'minka' to be fascinating and have been repeating it over and over under my breath like that kid Brick from The Middle. 

*miiiinkaaaa...*

Futagawa explained, "Instead of artificial components, minka are made from soil, wood and straw.  The elements are mixed up in such a way that they create different patterns.  The people who live there actually create the houses.  So everything comes natural, nothing is strained." 

Awww you really get me, Yukio. 

I want to name a kid* Minka because it sounds like a valley girl name but when people ask about it I'll scream "Noit'sJapanesevernaculararchitectureyouignorantBITCH!" and then I'll take Minka and her brother Quinoa's hand and we'll sashay our yoga butts right on out of there.

*pet

*miiiinkaaaa...*

I think part of the reason I'm grooving so hard on the minka is that most of this summer has been filled with home stuff.  Not the wood and straw kind of home stuff (ok some mud, I've been in the yard a lot) but the boring yet complicated bureaucracy of owning a home.  The American way.  

I refinanced the ModSauce Ranch which sounds like the most adult thing I've ever done.  It's even more adult than buying the house in the first place and having to talk to my doctor about joint pain and when to start scheduling mammograms.

Because I'm special (my loan was owned by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac), I was able to use the HARP - the Home Affordable Refinance Program.  Thanks Obama.  Actually, if I'm going to fake thank a person let's thank Elizabeth Warren.  People on Twitter have heard me talk plenty but if you haven't, check your eligibility NOW because I just got a 2.99% rate and moved to a 15 year loan and am still paying LESS a month that I was.  The notary at my closing high-fived me because that might be the lowest mortgage in recorded human history and also I got a lollipop.

Of course, that sounds fantastic but it was weeks of phone calls and bullshit and me asking what exactly truth in lending means to them because the bank messed up a bunch of papers even after I pointed out their mistakes and I actually had to close twice.  Fucking Mercury in retrograde, y'all.  

Also, fucking banks.

So yeah, I'd like to get all 'Pattern Language' up in the Ranch but it's mostly been remembering how to sign my legal name in cursive, ant invasions, broken washing machines and mildewed laundry, flash flooding, figuring out a new budget spreadsheet that I actually have to stick too, cable companies drilling holes in my wood paneling where none need to be, a renewed and dangerous Starbucks addiction to deal with the stress, and also I need a pedicure so bad I've had a few people look frightened upon sight of me in sandals.

*miiiinkaaaa...*

This is like vintage porn to me.  It's the architectural equivalent of old Bettie Page photos.

Make what you will of that.

The only thing better than mid-century photography is the actual published page of the image like these scans are.  It's so grainy and kinda yellow.  Wouldn't you die to own an original set of these books?  

I'm going to check for them on ebay right fucking now...!!

This courtyard, y'all. 

Literally stared at the walkway on the left of this image for five minutes straight.  Wish my summer was filled with nothing but the magic of those stepping stones.

But also the 2.99% interest rate part too.  High five!

All pictures above (and more) from here

Now I have an urge to watch a ton of Kurasawa movies and then cry about my mildewed laundry.

Unfortunately, Futagawa - the handsome devil pictured above - passed away this March from cancer.  Read the Architectural Record obit here.

It's rumored that if you whisper miiiinkaaaa... three times in a bathroom mirror that you'll wake up in Japan and be BFF with that girl from The Grudge. 

Next time y'all read a post of mine I might have a new creepy ass bestie, y'all. 

I want this on a keychain...

Star-spangled spatula by J. Riley-Wasserman for Areawear via Minus Manhattan

The only way to show you're a real patriot is to sear your mangled pile of dead cow with our nation's two-dimensional glory. 

And then Instagram that shit so we can all be motherfucking patriots together and incestuously 'Like' everyone else's pics just like that bad bitch Betsy Ross would have wanted us to do.

Have a great holiday filled with fireworks (of whatever kind you choose) and I'll see you on the flip side.

*sparkle*