Bitch better have my money.

Maison Margiela for Vogue Russia here

Why is it that juuust when you're starting to climb out of the debt hole the universe starts stomping on your fingers like an angry movie villain?  So rude.  

Here I am just polishing my pearl teeth and dreaming of new gutters (glamorous dreams) after paying off the last of my kitchen loan and my car decides to pee power steering fluid everywhere.  So rude.

I'm working on multiple projects JUST FOR YOU, saucy blog readers, but shit keeps fucking up my plans.  I mean, all a girl wants is to be bedazzled from crown to ground and have nice eaves to her house that aren't covered in mold.  Simple things in life.

I'm not really whining - I'm happy digging in the dirt and enjoying this deliciously long and mild Spring we're having - but bedazzled gutters were gonna be the focal point of my new landscaping plan.  

Still happily hanging on by a bejeweled pinkie finger over here.  

We made it through winter! Most of us...

We're in that lovely transition period on the way to Spring (shit, we're here already!) where I refuse to wear my coat no matter how cold it is but can't bring myself to wear sandals no matter how hot it is.  Ahh, the mercurial tornado season.  

Here's how I survived this brutal winter and am transitioning into Shpringtime.  Yes, it requires its own transition period.  With lots of exfoliating.

Only a few things got me through the worst part of the winter when I was sure we were going straight into the Ice Age end times: Uptown Funk (on a spiritual level) and hellebores. 

Jade Star here

These jade beauties are not mine but they might be soon. THESE are mine that I got last Fall at our plant swap.   And they ain't doin' too bad - yay me!  The best thing about hellebores (other than they can survive an almost-ice age and terrible track record) is that just when you think things are the worst - day after day of wet, grey winter death - here they come with green sprouts in the snow.  See?  There IS hope and we are not destined to die in a dirty snow drift only to be discovered in March.  Hit your hallelujah, indeed.

About this time of year I have to burn up all my winter candles because it fucks with my brain to have a cinnamon harvest amber pumpkin fuckfest smell while the windows are open and it's 80.  Which is why I'm suggesting everyone buy the official (not official) Dumbledore's Office ($16) candle!

Oh apparently it's HEADMASTER'S Office now. Probably copyright issues...

I've had this on my wish list for YEARS but I bought myself one for Christmas and couldn't be happier.  It smells warm and woody but fresh and slightly lemony.  (I swear there was lavender in there but it not sure about the new formula description...?)  Perfect for Winter and Spring.  Hell, burn it all year.  Will not disappoint.  Because it's wizard magic, obviously.

Speaking of winter scents, I found this perfume oil ($8)at a local craft fair in the Fall and have been drawing sigils on myself with it every day.

I made that black smudge...  I swear the packaging is nice.

It really smells how a dreamy bonfire smells at night when you feel like you're in a car commercial and not the morning after bonfire that smells like you burned a squirrel alive and swaddled the carcass with your cardigan. And as it fades it smells like a smokey cupcake at the end of the day.  Maybe that's just my chemistry.  All of her scents are warm and fresh but all lovely - I also have Lolita - so buy in bulk, y'all!

UPDATE: It looks like she's sold out of the Bonfire but check out her other scents here.  She's probably just adding more stock.  I HOPE.

Speaking of smokey sweets for the winter, I don't have this but I waaaant it.

Smoked Tea Vanilla cocktail syrup ($19) is what we all need in our life.  I might put it in my oatmeal because I'm a beast like that.  Haha just kidding I mean whiskey.  Whiskey oatmeal?!  

I was recently introduced to chocolate bitters and I think my life has been changed.  Several people then mentioned the magic of celery bitters to me so obviously I need to be educated.  Whiskey and chocolate bitters in the winter and now I think my Shpring will be filled with celery bitters and a rainbow of other flavors!  And booze, obvi. Bitters all the year round!  If you got a good recipe send it my way.  

I had planned to do large amounts of baking and spend intense days in the kitchen on elaborate French recipes with strategic bits of flour on my nose but mostly I ate Ramen.  Hear me out.

Ramen seems to be trendy again just like other low-brow items from my youth like acid-washed jeans and Pop-Tarts. 

I was sick this winter and bought a case (I was sick a lot) as a desperate substitute for chicken broth.  I needed to retain fluid anyway...  I think I ate one pack the regular way like we did in college BUT I discovered if you throw away the seasoning packet the noodles are so cheap that it's almost painful not to use them in another way.  

So then I started making noodle bowls out of stock and soy and fish sauce and/or curry and coconut milk sometimes.  Throw in a bunch of veggies and maybe meat and if's probably the fanciest thing my cereal bowls have seen in a while.  

If you need some more specific direction than that last sentence (I did - Asian flavors are not my comfort zone) try this slow cooker pork ramen which was amazing or Lady and Pups has a lot of noodle ideas: Spicy Miso Ramen and Vampire Slayer Ramen Express and Bunker Crack Slurp.  She also feels no shame about eating some ramen with even "trashier" ingredients and she's a real food blog so I think that makes it okay.  Or maybe we should all stop judging food choices?

Which is a great idea because I'm not done with ramen.  For Spring I'm transitioning to ramen salads and maybe this spicy shrimp and guacamole ramen what?!  I was going to write a sentence about how America is further bastardizing this "garbage food" for the purpose of our Independence Day cookouts but NO I'm not shaming you or me for food choices anymore.  In fact, I made this Paula Deen ramen broccoli slaw and will admit I enjoyed it.   

It's still okay to shame Paula Deen though.

But I still might make it again for this summer's hot dog party!

All the money you saved on food by eating ramen means you can now buy yourself something nice to wear!  I'm a daily scarf wearer - it's my winter uniform and I feel cold and naked without one.  I also like to sink my head inside like a turtle when I feel threatened or want to nap.  In twenty years we're going to look back and think "Why the fuck did we wear a giant scarf INSIDE all day?" But for now I'm cozy and committed.  

I convinced my mom to crochet me a few after showing her the Outlander pics we talked about last Fall.  AND SHE DID!  Here and here.  I love them but it's getting a little warm for a double-wrapped infinity scarf made of love and thick acrylic.  Fortunately, these by Scarfshop piqued my interest the other day.

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They come in a variety of hand-dyed colors and are really affordable: $30 for a "small" size (27"x108") and $60 for the large (54"x108").  I saw a tiny scarf half the size of the "small" at J. Crew last week for $55 so might as well get a giant cape made of clouds instead!  I'm part of the Scarf All Year club.  I have a weird, short neck so I feel like scarves hide it.  By camouflaging it in thick, bulky layers to it...?  

I've pretty much stuck to the dark, moody lip and simple black liner for winter and I like it.  It might be my forever look.  Forever turtle look.  But maybe trying something more colorful might be friendlier for Shpring?

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Indigo liner and coral and apricot seem like a nice compromise for a new season while still allowing some opportunity for drama.  I'm going to be taking a class on contouring so I can look just like Kim K!  Except with a potato-y turtle head.  CAN you even contour a potato head or will they just hand me back my money when they see my face?  I guess we'll find out.

I think all that should transition me nicely to April.  I don't know why I can't go to a new season like a normal person without a strategy involving booze and eyeliner.  But all good strategies usually begin with booze and eyeliner so...  

What things are y'all looking forward to for warmer temps?  I'm excited to paint my toenails once again and get back that healthy glow that constantly sweating will bring to my skin.   

Obviously, I'm not compensated for any of these recommendations nor have any relationship with these people/companies.

Haha just kidding this is totally a sponsored post by Big Ramen.

Now THAT I was kidding about.

But if someone wants to get at me... 

NOODLES FOR LIFE.

Knitwear for a horny 18th century bird.

As promised, I'm giving us an image dump of Outlander knits after yesterday's bucket list.  I feel warmer just compiling these images.  And I hope y'all have seen the show because it's rull good and I've been waiting about 20 years for it.  That is not an exaggeration I started reading these books in the 90s.  

The unexpected star of the show is of course the sex knitwear.  Now, I don't foresee me learning to crochet or knit this winter - it's a bucket list not a fantasy list - but I DO foresee me wearing lots of infinity scarves JUST like 18th century Scots did in a totes historically accurate fashion.  

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I mean, did they even have infinity scarves?  I don't really know or care.

Look at Geillis' felted knit cape thingy too... here

They also seem to have infinity cowls made of fur...

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I mean, damn.  And WITH wrist warmers?  It's too much.  

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 Wrist warmers and a cape must only be worn astride a horse.  It's Scottish law.  Or Anthropologie's new catalog.  Either way they can have all my money.

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 And you thought you were over the plaid this year... tsk, tsk...  

I strongly recommend fellow enthusiasts check out the blog of the costume designer, Terry Dresbach, for behind-the-scenes info and process details.  The accompanying forums are really good for more in depth information and fun discussions on things like feminism in the series and how the show got started (Terry is wife to Ron Moore - the show's producer of Battlestar Galactica fame).

But back to important things: LAYERING AND KNITWEAR.

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I feel like this actress, Caitriona Balfe, is actually an elegant swan wearing delicate doll sweaters around her dainty avian wrists.  Somehow I get the feeling I'd look like a fat quail in sweatbands.

Maybe THAT'S my winter look.  Quail normcore.

Sadly google did not have a corresponding picture to put with this but I did find a sassy shrug.

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Brown never looked so good.

UNTIL YOU SEE MY QUAIL NORMCORE OUTFIT.

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Naturally I'm not the only one who went gaga over the clothes and knits because a quick search will pop up tons of articles which is the reason why this became its own post.  I couldn't stop!  

But the real winner here is etsy where you can get patterns to do yourself or take the lazy way out like a normal person and buy other people's hard work.  Find the chunky cowl/infinity scarf here, the arm warmers here, the cute collared capelet here, the shrug here and a million other variations and sellers.

Etsy wasn't much help for the great fur-lined riding jacket here but I think fur is enough places this year that you should be fine.

here

Or you could always update it a little like this jazzy lady:

Vogue Sept 2014 here

I like the Outlander-meets-Studio 54 vibe.  Let's all take a moment and imagine Fat Quail in Sad Disco for a second.

So glorious...

And if knitwear isn't enough to make you happy there's always this:

"Haha those sweatbands are delightful, Sassenach."

"I'm feeling chilled can I borrow your infinity scarf?"

"Damn girl your woolen shrug got me jacked let's do this."

Show returns in April.  How many orgasms knits can you fill your life with between now and then?

Come for the pie, stay for the ANIMAL SACRIFICE.

Welp, guess it's winter.  At least according to my nipples.  Hey wouldn't it be great if someone invented little tiny hand warmers but in the form of pasties?  Or an entire onesie made of the stuff...??  I'd never leave the house, lose my job, end up living in the sewer... but my nipples would be so, so toasty...

Rue Blanche A/W 2014 here

Behold my winter goals.  I've been on the oxblood bandwagon for a while but I'm amping up my personal colorstory to include platinum.  I attempted it last week at the salon but it came out more buttercream than icy bitch hair.  We shall prevail.

Simon Watson

I need some velvet in my life.  Besides, 'velvet oxblood' sounds kinda badass.  Kinda opposite of someone that might need self-warming pasties...

Maya Coline

This looks like an oxblood badass.  I bet her nipples are made of steel.  If I can't naturally look this cool with my normal boring fleshy nipples maybe I could cover myself in the ACTUAL blood of an ox.  It would really catapult my Friendsgiving to a new level.  Come for the pie, stay for the ANIMAL SACRIFICE.

So are you feeling the winter yet?  In your nipples or other tender bits?  What are you cooking for the holidays?  I need to set my menu.  I KNOW I'll be making Orangette's cream braised Brussels sprouts because they are a staple.  I might attempt baking some yeasty rolls from scratch...  I'm not sure if I can manage it without the power of platinum hair but we'll see what happens. 

That's what's good about just cooking for friends - if it tastes terrible or they don't agree with your sartorial colorstory everyone can laugh and then you add them to the animal sacrifice at the end of the meal.

Velvet and rhinestones and an-easy-yet-efficient-storage-solution-for-my-accessories oh my.

Lest you think I'm a total flake I'm hear to assure you I haven't forgotten about showing you my "final" bedroom - whatever that means.  I'm fine if you think I'm lazy but not a flake.  I have personal standards.

Ok I actually keep forgetting to print a photograph to frame so I guess that does make me somewhat flaky... 

And since I'm wrapping up some things in my bedroom I'm shifting focus to other things like ORGANIZING.  Can you even contain yourself with how much excitement you're feeling right now?!

Depending on how you much like jewelry and order maybe you ARE feeling excitement.  I happen to j'adore jewelry and order so much it causes me to use phrases like 'j'adore' in sentences with no hint of sarcasm.

I have a pretty large collection of jewelry - wait, I should say shiny things I adorn myself with because none of that shit is real.  I mean, it's 'real' in the sense that I didn't metaphorically buy it from Forever21 but not real in that sometimes I still find tarnish on my finger when I take my jewelry off.

But I'm tired of shamefully storing it in ugly plastic bins with drawers.  I'm going adult!  With my plastic jewelry.

here

However much I would like to casually-but-purposefully display my "jewels" with the help of antlers or Brutalist sculptures or figures from my brass menagerie,  I just don't think I want this much clutter on my dresser top.  I'm not to be trusted with artful mess.

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I j'adore 'artful mess' but the problem with 'artful mess' is that it quickly becomes j'pile of artful shit.

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No way I can maintain a curated mess like this all the time.

Now THIS mess, maybe...  I love the Chanel bag behind the bottle of Yellow Tail.  I can't tell if I love this girl or want to pee in the bag while flipping her off.

Regardless, it's a j'izzillion times better than this mess:

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Jesus crafting Christ, y'all.  

Let's check in with some professionals because this cheese grater shit is the Ebola of Pinterest.  (Creating lots of unnecessary hype in this country by middle class white people that probably watch a lot of Fox News.)

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Stylist Mary Alice Stevenson really knows how to, well, do everything in life perfectly, I'm guessing, based on how meticulous her designer jewelry collection is displayed.  See the rest of her closet here and j'weep in joy and jealousy.

We can't talk about jewelry organizing with talking about everyone's favorite/feared designer Kelly Wearstler.

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Her closet is just as impressive/fearful as you would imagine.

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Somehow I just feel a maniac lurks beneath her expensive exterior.  But I'd be j'happy with her maniac closet and jewelry organization.

But the rest of us plebes have to make do with the Container store and costume jewelry but I'm fine with that because both of those things make me squee.  Who's the middle class white lady now, huh?!?!?!?

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I'm not allowed to look at the jewelry displays at junk stores anymore.  I'm like a magpie but only for bargain sparkle.

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I have a lot of big bangles - it's my crutch signature - so bracelet storage is the cornerstone of my setup.

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Cute little storage bowls like these are fine for some people but I need architecture.

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Although one day I really would like a printer's cabinet or apothecary cabinet or flat file solely filled with glorious jewelry but I'll settle for a drawer or two of my IKE-Rah Malms right now.  

Until then, please continue to enjoy this collection of jewelry storage porn.

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So velvety, so shparkly.

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I mean, damn.

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Literal moist panties right now.  

I j'cream for tray after tray of glitz apparently.  Big surprise.

So I've been researching organization trays for my drawers and the next time you see me I'll probably be draped in powder blue silk and perched atop my Louis Vuitton luggage going through my drawers of aphrodisiacs. 

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Soft Fall. Like summer but more beige.

I know our almanac Starbucks has already declared it Fall as well as my grocery store with its cinnamon brooms and mums but I'm not there yet.  For ONCE in my adult life I'm clinging on to Summer with all its boob sweat and thigh chafing glory.  

It's certainly not because I enjoy the heat - I've crafted a plastic bubble suit to get to and from my car so I don't have to actually feel the humidity or outside air.  Maybe it's because I've actually had a really enjoyable summer thanks in part to having a seasonal bucket list.  I traveled, I soaked up the sun underneath my hat and SPF 70, I saw Beyonce, I drank a LOT, I wore a lot of white and pretended I was warm, chubby fairy.  

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I wasn't able to fly into the sun and become immortal but I guess that's rollover bucket stuffs for next summer.

Whatever the reason, I ain't feelin' your punkins right now. My summer flowers are still blooming, there's still ice in my coffee and my thighs say nay there is chafe left to be had here.  You'll have to drag this season out of my limp, sweaty hands.

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I'm all about a pre-Fall right now.  It's like a soft opening to a new restaurant - slower pace and quiet.  Possibly with bad service?

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Wait, even pre-Fall feels too much for me.  Maybe we'll say the sun is setting on summer.  I don't know if you got that from the incredibly blatant images above...  

It's not because your'e obtuse - I have the bestest and smartiest readers on the innernets.  I just have a great need to over-explain myself and ruin a perfectly good thing with more me.  It's a curse.  I'll add it to my autumnal bucket list.  #1 is less me in all things I do.

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I love traveling this time of year because your legs don't stick to car seats as much and it's the last bit of freedom before holiday season demands all of your money and weekends.  

This bag is really speaking to me and I'm sure I can't afford it but maybe Santa should bring me some new luggage.  My current weekend bag I got from Chinatown about seven years ago and is literally falling apart.  A nice man helped carry it for me last month and a piece of the pleather came off in his hands.  He tried to act nonchalant about it but I could tell he was like "gross, never doing that again sorry all future ladies of travel."

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"Scarf season" is something I'm actively rejecting as well.  I actually had a scarf picture in this image dump and took it off.  Fucked up my flow.  Know what IS my flow?  More white with some beige.  Gotta have a beige outer layer this season.  

What are we calling this season now?  Summertime slumbertime?  Soft Fall?  Um... September?

Mexican feather grass here

One thing I'm pretty stoked about is grass.  Late Summer and Soft Fall means all the grasses are at their prime and grasses are to me what flowers are to other people.  Some people like gardens of color but I'd like gardens of beige muppet hair.  

Don't you just want to snuggle with that grass up there?  I bet it tickles.  That's the kind of feeling I want from September.  Sunsets and tickling.

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Also, this feeling.

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But mostly this.  All about that beige, 'bout that beige, no color.

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And this.  Fall seems like something that would require you to wear a bra and I'm DEFINITELY not ready for that kind of structure in my life.

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Some old linens though...?  Soft Fall is also about wrinkles.  Wrinkles and sagging boobs.

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I think this is also Mexican feather grass.  An appropriate name for tickling.  Oddly, grass makes me more excited for this season than pumpkin spice dick.

This is what being a homeowner does to you... 

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I could talk about grass all season so I'll spare you the additional grass I bought at a plant sale this weekend.  UNTIL MY SOFT FALL GARDENING POST MWAHAHAHA!

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Me, working in the yard and gettin' tickled by grass probly.

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Something about this room is speaking to me right now - maybe it's the nice neutrals and contrasting styles but also a hint of cozy fire.  It's certainly not the abundance of weirdo chairs wandering around the room...

It also doesn't have a rug but this kind of space needs a cold floor.  

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I may not be ready for scarves but I'm very pro-socks right now.  Could be that my feet are looking for moisture again or that my tap shoes look best with funky socks.  Possibly both.  Prepare for lots of Instagrams of me in legwarmers and tap shoes next month.

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Regardless of toe situation, I can manage this.  Well, I mean I can't manage to look as effortlessly Soft Fall Casual but I have a beige leather-ish jacket and tshirts.  And some weird socks and tap shoes so...  somebody call Bill Cunningham!

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Nothing says Soft Fall like ankles.  Yeah, I'm wearing two shirts but keeping my ankles nice and breezy.  Fuck your sweet potatoes and cinnamon, me and my ankles are living the beige dream right now.

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Soon, my punkin-headed friends.  Soon.