Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The pervy princess and the wrinkled pea.

Perhaps you saw the House Beautiful last month where we all went to bed with Kelly Wearstler. She's lounging in a suite at the Tides hotel with her botox stare random collection of odd accessories she calls decorating lately.  

Gawd I could not hate that lamp/mirror combo any more.  Just me?

The hotel always uses Sferra linens of course.  You know, that Italian brand that I read about in magazines and Kdubs designs for.  I don't have a lot of first-hand experience with their products because I don't think they even let the Sunday types of Madames in the stores that carry them.

Bedding collection = yes.  Headboard = raunchy.

I was all 'fuck you and your expensive hotel sheets made of caviar, silk and the skin of paupers!!' (I really don't know anything about rich people so I dislike them on principle just because I'm not one and don't have fancy things.  Except the Venuto of course).  However, I was recently gallivanting around my local Tuesday Morning (shut up) and saw a set of Sferra sheets.  Whhaaaaa...???!  Silken pauper skin within my reach?!  I dropped my 'principles' faster than you can say 'dueling banjos' and picked up the package.  It was an angel white set of hemstitched sheets originally $800 marked down here for $150 and henceforth known as The Precious.  

Like these.  But ONLY 600 thread count.  Wah wah waaaaaaah....

Checking that there were no witnesses I unzipped the bag about an inch, as far as the stupid alarm would allow, and shoved a finger in.  I think my knees gave out for a second.  I don't really know what $800 worth of linens feel like but I'm pretty sure my finger touched heaven.  I felt like a pervert standing in the back aisle of a dirty Tuesday Morning fingering a set of sheets but I feel pretty confident you would have done the exact same thing.  DON'T YOU FUCKING JUDGE ME!!!!  But alas I didn't really NEED more sheets (you know, I'm all about controlling excess) so I put them back...  But not after whispering sweet sweet words of forbidden love to them.  One day my Precious...

After a few weeks dreaming dirty Sferra dreams on my sheets made of burlap and sandpaper I knew I had to go back and make The Precious mine.  Sometimes living in the ghetto has pretty good perks because they were exactly where I left them 3 weeks ago.  So now that I was trying to make an honest woman out of these things I was kinda at a loss of what to do with them.  I think I just sat and looked at them in the package for a few minutes.  As far as home furnishings go, they are way far out of my league.  I'm no brand whore (even if I molest sheets) but just the name makes me sweat and stutter having them in my house.  I always wash sheets before you put them on a bed because, um... ewww, but I don't have filtered water poured straight from the heavens and blessed by unicorns and I'm sure my washing machine is far too rough for the gentle massaging that these sheets require.  You're supposed to just softly coax the dirt out I think...  I'm sure the factory where these are made has lots of little Italian cherubs flitting around and has suffused the sheets with a magical protective layer of satin sugar that I was hesitant to wash away.  Maybe I can just throw them in the dryer with a dryer sheet to help retain a little of the cherub essence and because warm = clean right?

In the end I did in fact end up washing them because they smelled like plastic and perverts from Tuesday Morning.  It's best to get The Precious accustomed to life here at the MS ranch.  You're mine now bitches!  Welcome to the rest of you life where you will be washed in water that comes in through 50-year-old pipes, spend your nights covering my chipped pedicure and will NEVER be ironed! mwahahahaha!!!

$1800 Cashmere blanket.  On the ground.  Sigh...

I'm not sure what I was expecting (magic Italian cherub something...) but they ARE cotton sheets so of course they came out of my dryer a wrinkled mess.  Fuckin A.  You're supposed to take The Precious out of the dryer while still damp but my dryer only has the 'still sopping wet' and 'omigod that jean rivet just burned my arm' temperature levels so I missed the critical time window for removal.  The sugar satin protective coating was gone and I was left with far rougher and less glowy sheets.  Madame not happy.  Against my better judgement and everything I believe in I ironed those fuckers.  But only the top sheet!!!  Okay, and the pillow cases...   I hate myself a little.

Exactly what my bed looks like.  After all that work I may or may not have shaved my legs, 
exfoliated and given myself a fresh pedicure for our first encounter...

I spent some time tossing and turning in my new purchase before falling into my required beauty sleep.  Despite the remaining soft luster and perfect hems these are still some high maintenance bitches that (should) involve special detergent and manual labor and all that makes me cranky.  Or maybe I was cranky because my delicate princess skin chafed at the difference between the original price tag and resulting product.  These sheets probably came from the value line at Sferra since just ONE sheet can be $800 and my skin knows the difference (it doesn't).  I'll have to suck it up and deal because I'm never going to iron The Precious again.  Having exceptional taste can be such a burden.  

However, even wrinkled they are pretty damn nice for the Madame.  Not $800 nice but nice.  I guess I'll thank myself in 5 years when I'm still sleeping on The Precious and they are still crisp and white and have softened to a glowy perfection.  These are INVESTMENT linens!!  That snowy cotton drift at the foot of my bed is like a contribution to my bedroom's style IRA.  A wrinkled and high maintenance contribution but I'm banking on the compound interest of quality.

Of course now these sheets make everything else in my bedroom look like it came from a crack house.  

Ok the dresser did come from a crack house but still...  

I'll just wait til Tuesday Morning has some really really fancy furniture.  Like Pottery Barn...


  1. Me and my password rivet branded arm love this post!

  2. Awwww... we have matching arm brands, Anonymous. It would be cute if it wasn't so hurty.

  3. Priceless, as always.

    Don't feel bad for ironing them though... I iron my(much cheaper) sheets almost every time I wash them. Then again, I have a whole other set of issues to deal with.


  4. Why can't I just have one google account and it always be on the right one? That Nick above is this Nick, too.

    Extra comments, ftw!

  5. I WISH I wanted to iron all my sheets but meh... I have blogs to read, tweeps to stalk and a plethora of Google accounts to manage too! ; )

  6. I enjoyed this. After years of wanting them, my wife and I splurged on a good set of sheets a while back. Not Sferra-nice, but nice. Very wrinkly out of the dryer. Unless Elle MacPherson calls to say she's coming for a sleep over, they'll never be ironed.

    Anyway, about six months after we bought those sheets, we moved across the ocean to a place where the beds are different sizes. So now the fitted sheet doesn't. We're using our very nice top sheet and a fitted sheet from Ikea. The Ikea sheet is softer and less wrinkly. And much cheaper.

    BTW, here they don't use top sheets. Beds are made with a fitted sheet and then a duvet. That's it. We tried it for a while but I hated it. I need a top sheet.

  7. Yeah I think I might have to give up the 100% cotton dream and just stick with the poly blends b/c they are softer and smoother... AND cheaper! I agree with you that I need a top sheet and always feel really weird when I travel to Europe and only have a thick duvet... what if you're hot?! I live in the South so sometimes all I can stand is a top sheet and no comforter!

    Thanks for commenting dmath! Y'all come back now, y'hear! ; )

  8. Holy sheets! Is there a simple princess linen pricing formula for this level of indulgence along the lines of: each thread count = one dollar? I feel positively threadbare... My penny jar just isn't that expansive. Plus it's full of hard cider at the moment, which I don't really see as a problem.

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Sferra who?
    Sferra Tuesday Morning-after pill? My debit card is feeling nauseous.

    I think that you may have to relinquish your forting card when the committee finds out about this rampant excess at the MS ranch. Or perhaps not: maybe there is a platinum or titanium level which requires tents and canopies fashioned (oh-so-fashioned) from gossamer debauchery such as you now clutch in your sweaty boughie hands. Ah, Madame, we never knew ye... I'll be over here in the corner with my pilled-up microfleece Snuggie with the grease stains (bacon, mhmhmhmmm). Which NEVER needs ironing. And no one will ever try to break down the door of my single wide to steal it. Ha! Stick that in your perfect seams and smoke it!

  9. ha! The princess and the pill. ; ) The Precious will never be used for forting! GASP! Until they get bacon grease on them (I give it two weeks) and then they'll fit right in with the rest of my linens. "Gossamer debauchery" indeed.

  10. For some odd reason I have issues with spending money on sheets. I have one set. And they are scratchy and have a hole near the bottom that my scuffed pedicured big toe catches on and then my callused foot is swallowed by the hole and ewwww, I cannot stand the callused foot rubbing up against the shiny polyester mattress. At this point I wake up, write the 14th middle-of-the-night note to self telling self it is time to buy new sheets. I hate Tuesday Morning on principal ( who names a store tuesday morning??) but tomorrow I am stalking the linen aisle until someone gives up the steal of a deal Sferra sheets here in Pville. I may need towels too....the kids next door want their sponge bob beach towel back.

  11. Kids are so damn stingy with their towels. If you haven't read a lot of the Sauce I will inform you that I don't buy name brand shit really but I attempt fabulosity where possible or beneficial. And by beneficial I mean cheap. Therefore I love Tuesday Morning b/c sometimes they have nice stuff for cheap. BTW it's called Tuesday Morning b/c they get in new shipments of merchandise on Tuesday I believe... um, not that I stalk them or anything. They also have mattress pads which it sounds like you need too... your poor calloused foot needs some tender loving care. Good luck on your linen journey!!

    PS. Where is Pville?

  12. Bought Sferra lines at Tuesday and they feel like sandpaper. Goddammit

    1. Oh that sucks! Maybe after a wash they'll soften up - mine feel great after all this time.