Faucet dude: Hey, you're so awesome that we want to be friends with you.
MS: Look internet pervert I'll totally block your nasty tweets I swear to gawd!
Faucet dude: No seriously, you seem like a cool person...
MS: I think the word you're looking for is fabulosity.
Faucet dude: ...um ok. But we'd like to give you a faucet.
MS: WTF? Is that like a euphemism for something gross??!!
Faucet dude: *sigh* No. Look - do you want a faucet or not?
MS: Does a duck fart when it walks?
Faucet dude: What?
MS: I'LL TAKE IT!! mwahahahaha!!
I signed a pact in blood before they could realize what they had done because they seem like cool people that do things like this and I'm drunk a lot and do things like this. Let's just keep that between you and me, k? But now the Faucet of Amazing Awesomeness is in my posession.
Hellooooo Venuto.
That. Just. Happened. It's probably the nicest thing at the ModernSauce ranch. So I wanted to get it acquainted with its new home and show it a good time. First stop - the kitchen. Shitty old faucet meet Venuto. Venuto; shitty old faucet. It's on like Donkey Kong y'all. Venuto is going to tear that sink up when we do the real renovations!!
Venuto says "In yo FACE shitty faucet!"
After the tour we did normal get acquainted things - mani/pedi, watched Twilight (Venuto is totally Team Edward thank gawd) and just chatted.
It's called magical realism...
Later we decided to have a picnic outside and Venuto helped me read for my book club. There was a siesta involved.
Here at the ranch we take care of our guests (sometimes) so I made sure to cook a nice dinner for company. I made pasta with organic spinach and tomatoes and fresh herbs from our local farmer's market because I care and I'm a liberal white person. But just so Venuto doesn't think he gonna be spoiled all the time I made sure to keep it real (and keep with the Italian theme) by microwaving some Totino's Pizza Rolls to go along with the pasta because we ain't boughie around here. We can do nice but we ALWAYS do real.
Oooooh lawd.
But look at this mess. Venuto's head is on backwards and his naughty bits are all showing after overindulging in some wine and chocolate. You're one of us now Venuto. But we'll need to work on your tolerance or this relationship isn't going to last. Venuto is already lonely bored but kitchen renovation is just beginning.... At least I have some sink jewelry to look forward to and a new best friend!
The internet is awesome.
Brava! Brizo's marketing department is in for the ride of their lives and your just the woman to deliver it. The stakes just got higher in this kitchen renovation thing of yours.
ReplyDeleteThanks Paul! I didn't even use any F bombs either!
ReplyDeleteIf I was Charlemagne, I would claw Venuto's little cartridges out. You, Madame, are obviously much too flighty to handle the responsibility of caring for a domestic animal.
ReplyDeleteI was curious at first with your characterization of Venuto using "he" and "his"; I mean, look at those curves! Then I dismissed it as the amorous projections of a lonely single woman in an empty house (Charlemagne having ditched your ass, at this point). But the "after" shot on the pillow did indeed reveal the male plumbing connections, so I guess I'll have to concede the fact.
If I was Charlemagne, though, I would sneak back in at night and make sure that pull-down sprayhead never retracted again.
Fortunately, thanks to the stunning MagnaDock Technology of Amazing Awesomeness, the spray head always returns to its rightful home. (see what I just did there?!) But I ain't sayin that Charlemagne won't try... She's feisty.
ReplyDeleteAnd Venuto is totally a dude. I swear. His warm conversation and Team Edward status threw me a little, I will admit, but he does have a bunch of plumbing parts that seem pretty complicated and kept getting in the way when we tried to spoon. So annoying.
Personally I believe that Charlemagne will become friends. Mainly because she will realize that Venuto will match her better and not be prone to randoms attacks of water when she walks by. I think the current one would do that to her.
ReplyDeleteToo true - Charlemagne respects a worthy opponent.
ReplyDeleteThat is the best faucet blog piece I have ever read, bar none. The photo's really made the piece sing.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant!
I, too, am an inanimate object. Just ask my husband! I love your blog and want to suck up to you so you'll let your lovely Venuto come to my house for a visit. We have a 6-burner plus grill Viking, so Venuto wouldn't be slumming.
ReplyDeletehttp://funandfit.org
I think Charlemagne really is just thinking "damn beotch its about time you added stuff that was worthy of being on the ranch"
ReplyDelete@Brian I had to work hard to get those glamour shots of Venuto - thanks for noticing!
ReplyDelete@Alexandra Have faucet, will travel! You must not have seen the rest of my kitchen - Venuto is slumming it now. But this neighborhood is definitely on the up and up - kitchen reno soon! Venuto is crafty like that.
@Shannon You're right. She really is a glamourpuss. ; )
Venuto is double extra smart. He made a shrewd real estate investment decision by moving into the gayborhood. He knows we gays drive up property values. Venuto's gonna clean up nicely.
ReplyDeleteVenuto is a master of evaluating demographics. Also good at kicking ass and taking names. Look out slum! We gots some gays and a farmer's market!
ReplyDeleteAlthough, really, our neighborhood is more a Gaytto than a gayborhood, what with the purple drug houses and such.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't forget the Totino's Pizza Rolls! You need to copyright 'gaytto' immediately.
ReplyDeletelove the pics! congratulations.... and let the gaytto kitchen refurb begin!!
ReplyDeleteThanks! Charlemagne, Venuto and the Madame will throw a big unveiling par-tay in the gaytto when it's all complete!
ReplyDelete. . . .
ReplyDeleteThese faucet people are clearly geniuses for investing in such a well-written, intelligent design blog. I think I will go purchase their product tomorrow simply because they have good judgment. Its a shame no other companies have approached you with the same idea, as I would probably have to buy their products immediately as well! (Hint, hint...) I hope Venuto will not be a distraction during True Blood. So he is Team Edward, but what about Bill vs. Eric?
ReplyDeleteWork it, honey. Work. It.
ReplyDeleteI will allow Venuto to be fickle with Bill and Eric because how can I even choose?! But you know how I feel about brunettes... ; )
This post is AWESOME. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteIt hardly seems fair that I get free stuff AND people thank me for being awesome...??!! But I'm a gracious person so YOU'RE WELCOME! ; )
ReplyDeleteFavorite part - WTF? Is that like a euphemism for something gross??!!
ReplyDeleteJust discovered your blog - I love it!
Thanks so much Stephanie! We have all kinds of good clean fun around here!
ReplyDeleteI'm kidding. It's a lot of dirty fun which is even better... ; )