Sunday, November 14, 2010

Happy Blogiversary to MEEEEEEE!!

Pop open that box of wine you’ve been saving for a special occasion and put on your fancy manties because ModernSauce turns 1 this week!  SQUEEEE!!!  Twelve months ago I was just a lazy girl laying on a couch with a laptop and NOW I'm a lazy 30 year old laying on a couch with a laptop that's starting to get really really hot on the bottom sometimes.  Totally fine right? 

I really had no goal for this blog other than I needed an area to both organize all the visuals I collect (it's cleaner than Hoarders) but also a place to document all the conversations I was having in my head.  I figured it would quiet my brain and neatly save my ramblings for future therapists generations to study in the form of deep cerebral analysis of purty interiors, creating lame mood boards to satisfy my creative itch and sharing the (sloooow) remodeling of the ModSauce Ranch.  I feel that I have accomplished everything and nothing.  Everything because the rewards far surpassed what I could have imagined and nothing because I have tons more bullshit to talk about.

Here's some actual praise I've received from this past year:

"yeah I read it."
Whoa, slow down there with your enthusiasm friend!!  Wouldn't want to get a big head...

“seems so…. honest”
Welcome to the real world, y'all.  *middle fingers point to my crotch*

“no seriously, you're so gawddamned honest”
Alright, ALRIGHT.  I get it.  Apparently I'm weird...

“your style is so jizz on jesus”
ahahaha wait...  the fuck? ew....  Are you reading the right blog?

“you're hot and scary”
If you only knew but Ok whatever I'll take it because it's obviously the nicest thing anyone's ever said about ModSauce. 

But for reals you guys are awesome and I appreciate every tweet and reference and comment - ESPECIALLY the ones above - and I'll be giving special thanks to you in a few weeks when I stuffing my face full of turkey and dressing.  I send you all rainbow rides of tingling pleasure and glitter kisses.  When I'm not answering your adoring fanmail I've managed to find the time to learn 10 concisely enumerated things this year too and it's my duty to pay it forward and all:

1. If I devoted the amount of time I spend blogging, reading blogs, reading shitty blogs trying to find cool things to blog about, tweeting, reading your tweets, stalking other online people, etc. on something more productive like working out or volunteering I’d be curing cancer just from the sheer power of my incredibly high and tight ass. In fact, my ass would be so high people would start calling it back boobs.  Instead you get boogers and goblins.  *curtsy*

2. Blogging allows you to learn all kinds of things about yourself that you didn't know.  For instance I talk about glitter waaaaay more than it is present in real life. *she says as she closes her supplemental makeup back only reserved for Halloween, costume parties and weekly dress up parties with Charlemagne*  Same goes for unicorns.  But the amount of 'fucks' I say is probably the same.

3. You will discover that you are way stupider than you might have thought.  Every other blog you read is a bajillion times smartier and funnier than yours.  Get over it.  Pretty sad considering I used to be relatively smart at one time but now it's virtually impossible for me to write a complete sentence. Or write one that doesn’t start with a preposition.  I'm also a horrible speller which I only discovered after having to use twelve times before completing a single tweet and I STILL type "ur" because fuck, 140 characters is short!  Thanks a lot public education. 

3B. Not only are other bloggers all better than you, your commenters are funnier and cooler too.  There's nothing that describes the feeling like being intimidated by your own comments section.  Well done, readers.  In fact the best part of my post is usually in the comments.  If you're a blogger and all your comments are "oooh I love it!" then you're doing something wrong.  Unless you want those types of comments but if you need that much constant adoration I would suggest getting a puppy and not a blog (although they both require about the same amount of attention but one doesn't pee on your rugs - your choice).  That being said I can't wait for my first negative comment where somebody calls me a bitch or says I'm stupid and I get to humiliate them in return.  But they'll probably pussy out and post as "anonymous" but I'll do it anyway.  Sadly, I still squee my panties for every single comment. 

 4. I have about a hundred fifty-leven more readers and twitter followers than ACTUAL friends. I'm not sure though because I suck at math which was another thing I was made painfully aware of this year.  Of course my readers are totally my friends now (you ARE aren't you??!!!  AREN'T YOU?????!!!!!) because you'd be surprised how few of your friends actually read your blog.  Once you tell them you've started a blog most react like you told them there was a sale on cans of artichokes at the grocery store. 

5. The act of blogging is just as important (for me) as the content.  Once you're a blogger you're in a special club.  It's like being in a rock band except a band requires no talent but still gets you tons of groupies.  I guess it's like being in Nickelback.  Except I'm prettier than Chad Kroeger.  As far as you know...

 6. The interwebz are a much friendlier and awesomener place than I ever thought.  I'm one of the few people on the planet who isn't on Facebook because I don't give a shit about the rednecks I went to high school with (I can just go down to Big Lots if I want to reconnect) and I was rather creeped out by social media and so-called online "connections."  So my blog was secret for awhile.  But then I met people and realized that you guys are all exceptionally nice AND batshit crazy!  Such a fun combo.  So now I have friends I met online and I tweet like a mofo and this social media crow that I'm eating doesn't taste bitter at all.  It tastes like KFCKKDD sandwiches and shiny faucets


7. If you blog it, they will come.   The "content is king" belief is something I subscribe to because, well, I have no other skills in marketing and self-promotion makes me vomit.  But writing stupid shit makes me exceedingly happy and I'm selfish in that I make me happy first.  But having little conversations in your head is like this build up of energy that you MUST release and once you blog it’s an orgasmisplosion of awesomeness (to be determined...) and then your mind is clear and you can go to sleep.  Until the itch begins to build again.  (This sounds a lot less sexy and a lot more like Dexter than I thought...)  But if you're smart you'll do other things like "keyword optimization" or stuff like that and not rely on your own personal afterglow to inspire others to find you like I do.  Or not - it worked for Kevin Costner and I may not be Chad Kroeger but I'm way closer to the Kevin Costner in that baseball movie where Ray Liotta looked hot. 

8. Inspired living tip of the day: Secretly shoveling luke warm mashed potatoes in your mouth directly out of the pan on the stovetop after you've already had dinner is one of life's greatest pleasures.  Also there are no calories.  Honestly, I already knew a long time ago but I just wanted to make sure you knew this too.

9. Sharing your innermost secrets (like your irrational fear of drive-thru tellers) or that you like to shove luke warm mashed potatoes in your mouth when no one is looking is in no way as lame or scary as you might think and is actually quite liberating.  If, once you learned about my secrets, still think it's lame then the joke's on you because I have soo much more where that came from!!  Wait...

10. I don't have a tenth one because I'm a rebel who doesn't follow my own rules but I'm totally all about the keyword optimization for ModSauce in year dos so suck on this: "10 things about blogging you wish someone had told you before you started," "naked pictures of Miles Redd" and "how to get wine stains out of your couch again."  BOOYAH!!  I search for those things all the damn time so I KNOW others do too and my traffic is getting ready to explode!

To bring this thing full circle I planted a ginkgo tree last year at my first post hoping for delicious autumnal foliage in 2010.  Well that didn't happen because we had an insane drought this year and my tree is left with this:

sorry, burned leaves, I tried to water you but meh...
The good thing is that my extra judge-y neighbor is now in an old folks home so I can relax a little without her 98 yr old attitude all up in my biznass.  And yeah, that's a sad arrangement of some decorative gourds, motherfuckers.

Thanks for making this year great and fingers crossed there's plenty of afterglow to go around for another year. 


  1. hey . . . I take offense to 3B -- I regularly leave comments on your blog. (<< note the secret item 10). there is certainly wisdom here that could have only been gleaned by a person above the age of 29. ahhh. . . couldn't imagine my year without you. cheers.

  2. Happy Anniversary Week!! Tonight I baked in your honor ( a red velvet cupcake with a little spicy kick wit almond cream cheese icing with shavings of chipotle dark chocolate on top since I ran out of glitter)... maybe I will mail it to you... haha like I ever really get to a post office. Thanks for keeping us entertained for the last year. Although all it has really made me do is miss trend shopping and trend board making with ya and Daily Joe's.

  3. jb - yes but you leave intelligent comments that forward the conversation. Usually... ; ) Thanks!

    Shan Shan - Whheeeee!!! Red velvet is my fave!! Couldn't have done this without you. For serious. You're the virgo wind beneath my virgo wings. Love ya!

  4. You stupidass bitch, no-one is more funnier and smarty-pantsier than you, damn your glittery tight back-boobs! (There, did I make you happy?)
    And even though Jody and David M. are both bat-shit crazy, it doesn't mean you can't also be one day. You just have to age (what's the opposite of gracefully?) and *voila* bat-shit crazy. And your tight ass will fall back down too. Into your jeans pockets, possibly.
    Can I apply on FB to be your actual friend, you stupid bitch?
    Have a nice day.
    I'll be posting as "anonymous."

  5. Alexandra - ahhh your foul mouth makes me exceedingly happy. Thanks for always being so supportive you batshit crazy (yet super fit) lady!

  6. I blush in all the right places when I read you, Saucy.

    Happy 1 year... Many years of #1 ahead!

  7. Congrats MS! I think you should celebrate with more than two glasses of vino.

    I'd love to see you and Alexandra in the same room in real life!


  8. Ooooh I do love to make a grown man blush! I'll do my best to keep you flushed and on your toes! Thanks. ; )

  9. Thanks Bill! Stupid work tomorrow severely limits my alcohol intake but I will make up for it in chocolate! yippee!

    I'm afraid Alexandra might devour me in real life but get a few drinks in me and the universe might explode with our estrogen power. ; )

  10. Congratulations Madame, you're a peach. Really, a peach.

  11. Thanks Paul. I'm forever indebted to my favorite blog daddy. I'll make you proud of my Courtney Love ways!!!!

  12. Wow, happy Blogiversary! I'm about two days late, but fuck it, I'll go ahead and have a White Russian, a hotdog and some mac-n-cheese for dinner tonight in honor of your anniversary. You know I was probably going to have that for dinner anyway, but now it'll have meaning....
    Seriously, the blog is awesome - it makes me giggle.

  13. I actually knew what KFCKKDD was...oh dear god

  14. I feel like I had a small part in that. You're welcome.

  15. I think you suck...

    at mediocrity. Every time I read your blog seeking some blah, run-of-the-mill, inanity I find I've wasted 5 WHOLE minutes reading your (sickeningly) witty and (disgustingly) well crafted entries. Make that 10 minutes IF I post a comment.

    Thank you for wasting my time (yet again)!

    Congratulations Madame, and good luck in the coming year.

  16. Izzy - Thanks for proving 3B right yet AGAIN! Shit. I can't even yell at you for your fake nastiness because it's just. too. good.

    I hope you continue to waste more time here. I know I will! ; )