Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Drinking is really the only reason I'll watch HGTV anymore.

Next week I'll be starting plenty of ModSauce kitchen posts but right now I just feel like getting friendly with the bottom of a bottle.  The search for a contractor is driving me to drink, y'all.  These fuckers don't know what kind of drunk strong lady person they're dealing with.  Obviously they haven't seen my Klout score.  And they obviously don't know what it means to itemize a bid either since I think everyone around here seems to conduct business on post-it notes and the backs of envelopes. 

Fucking rednecks.  

Gawd love 'em because I sure as shit are hating them right now.

Instead of drowning my sorrows, I'd like to think about getting drunk over a contractor that everybody likes and just fixes things like magic: Mike Holmes.  Awwww....  *blushing giggle*  I may or may not watch episode marathons and have dirty fantasies of clean bare stud walls, properly tiled floors and other examples of finely detailed craftsmanship all done in the course of an hour because that's just like real life, right?  RIGHT???!!   Mmmmhhhh...  I can almost smell the joint compound.  *shivers*

Oh I need some of that!!  BLADOW!!!   No seriously, is that trim he's cutting?  I need new baseboards in the kitchen for realz.  But only about 18 inches of it.  I'm sure it'll have to be custom for some reason.  And cost $500.

Yeah, these are the things I lust over now.  FUCK YOU HGTV for ruining not only my design sensibilities but also my normal fantasy life!!!!  Also every time you masturbate god kills a kitten so there's that.

Watching a billion episodes of Mr. Mike leads one to drunk fantasies notice certain patterns.  So I invented the Holmes on Homes drinking game.  I mean, we were all drinking anyway so why not?!

1. Every time Mike says 'tear it out' in reference to the shitty work of another contractor squee like the fucked-over home renovator you are, punch a hole in your sheetrock (if you don't have one already) and take a shot of the finest Canadian whiskey you got. 


2.  Every time somebody says "aboot" or "eh" take a shot of maple syrup.

3.  Every time Mike shows up to a jobsite in a tank top, crosses his arms and gives you a peep at the gun show throw your panties at the screen and take a shot.


4.  Anytime Mike's gold chain winks at you from underneath that henley take a shot in honor of Jersey Shore.  *see above pic*

5.  Every time Mike talks to the young pigtailed female interns wearing pink shirts (realllllyyy??) plot your revenge against that skank bitch and take a shot for women everywhere who can get shit done without the need to remind everyone we are in possession of a vagina. 

My feminist side says "Yes, Yes, Yes" but the side that actually deals with sexist assholes all gawdamned day says "No, No, No!  More eyeliner does NOT mean more respect."  I should know, I've tried.  But feel free to continue to slink out with your pink out, Pinky 

6. Anytime you see Mike with a coffee cup take a shot of Nescafe Instant coffee.  Bailey's optional but preferred.

7.  Every time a man hugs Mike at the end of the show and Mike is accepting if not slightly homophobic take a sip of your cosmo and hug your own gay. 


You'll be passed out in 10 minutes guaranteed.  At least the blackout keeps me from remembering all the things that AREN'T happening in my kitchen. 

Let's get to' up from the soon-to-be-tiled flo up.


  1. Forget Mike. The guy on the right in the bottom picture looks so cute and just right for you. And I can tell he wants you by the way he smiles at the camera. And...he does his bids by writing them on your semi-naked back. Then when he notices that you can't it read it backward in the mirror, he offers to rewrite all over your front. Just sayin'. He might be the right guy to, er, trim your baseboard or whatever.

  2. Alexandra - that guy doesn't have a neck tattoo so that doesn't bode well for him but you really sold me at his bid process. I hope he's detail oriented because I have lots of demands that require special attention when it comes to, er, baseboards.

  3. You were very quick with that comment, Alexandra. Could lead one to think that you didn't just create that fantasy after reading Madame's post.

    As for Pinky, she has an advanced degree in Civil Engineering and spends her spare time translating Shakespeare for underprivileged indigenous peoples.

  4. David - I have a feeling that Alexandra has all kinds of things stored in her brain...

    Ya know, maybe I should hire Pinky?!!! Obviously she is skilled in construction but also how to look hawt. I don't need any help with that part obviously but I do need someone to identify the Shakespearean tragedy that is my remodel and then make magic happen.

  5. You're cracking me up. Love it! My husband watches Mike Holmes all the time, so maybe I'll join him next time, maple syrup and Canadian whiskey in hand...

  6. Julia - just make sure one of you is the DD! Thanks for stopping by and welcome to the Sauce. ; )

  7. as always -- brilliant! and I am sorry to hear about your contractor woes. Looking for some success soon -- tho. . . in the form sparkling spanxy new countertops . . .even if have to grab some bum off the corner and hike them in yourself. Power to the Madames!