Drinking is really the only reason I'll watch HGTV anymore.

Next week I'll be starting plenty of ModSauce kitchen posts but right now I just feel like getting friendly with the bottom of a bottle.  The search for a contractor is driving me to drink, y'all.  These fuckers don't know what kind of drunk strong lady person they're dealing with.  Obviously they haven't seen my Klout score.  And they obviously don't know what it means to itemize a bid either since I think everyone around here seems to conduct business on post-it notes and the backs of envelopes. 

Fucking rednecks.  

Gawd love 'em because I sure as shit are hating them right now.

Instead of drowning my sorrows, I'd like to think about getting drunk over a contractor that everybody likes and just fixes things like magic: Mike Holmes.  Awwww....  *blushing giggle*  I may or may not watch episode marathons and have dirty fantasies of clean bare stud walls, properly tiled floors and other examples of finely detailed craftsmanship all done in the course of an hour because that's just like real life, right?  RIGHT???!!   Mmmmhhhh...  I can almost smell the joint compound.  *shivers*



here

Oh I need some of that!!  BLADOW!!!   No seriously, is that trim he's cutting?  I need new baseboards in the kitchen for realz.  But only about 18 inches of it.  I'm sure it'll have to be custom for some reason.  And cost $500.

Yeah, these are the things I lust over now.  FUCK YOU HGTV for ruining not only my design sensibilities but also my normal fantasy life!!!!  Also every time you masturbate god kills a kitten so there's that.

Watching a billion episodes of Mr. Mike leads one to drunk fantasies notice certain patterns.  So I invented the Holmes on Homes drinking game.  I mean, we were all drinking anyway so why not?!



1. Every time Mike says 'tear it out' in reference to the shitty work of another contractor squee like the fucked-over home renovator you are, punch a hole in your sheetrock (if you don't have one already) and take a shot of the finest Canadian whiskey you got. 



here



2.  Every time somebody says "aboot" or "eh" take a shot of maple syrup.

3.  Every time Mike shows up to a jobsite in a tank top, crosses his arms and gives you a peep at the gun show throw your panties at the screen and take a shot.



here



4.  Anytime Mike's gold chain winks at you from underneath that henley take a shot in honor of Jersey Shore.  *see above pic*

5.  Every time Mike talks to the young pigtailed female interns wearing pink shirts (realllllyyy??) plot your revenge against that skank bitch and take a shot for women everywhere who can get shit done without the need to remind everyone we are in possession of a vagina. 



My feminist side says "Yes, Yes, Yes" but the side that actually deals with sexist assholes all gawdamned day says "No, No, No!  More eyeliner does NOT mean more respect."  I should know, I've tried.  But feel free to continue to slink out with your pink out, Pinky.  



6. Anytime you see Mike with a coffee cup take a shot of Nescafe Instant coffee.  Bailey's optional but preferred.

7.  Every time a man hugs Mike at the end of the show and Mike is accepting if not slightly homophobic take a sip of your cosmo and hug your own gay. 



here



You'll be passed out in 10 minutes guaranteed.  At least the blackout keeps me from remembering all the things that AREN'T happening in my kitchen. 

Let's get to' up from the soon-to-be-tiled flo up.