Sunday, November 25, 2012

Operation Turkey Destroyer

Welcome back, fellow carb loaders and shopping sadists!  I hope everyone's temporary binge eating/spending holiday was successful and full of gravy.  Mine was successful but not full of gravy.  *grumpy cat face*

Due to some scheduling conflicts the normal family plan wasn't an option.  It was suggested that we all go have Japanese food on Thanksgiving and then anarchy ensued so I offered to host.  

I utilized plants. FROM THE OUTSIDE.
I was the only one starting the anarchy but I think it was warranted considering the situation.  The situation being that my family apparently hates America and delicious food.  But in the spirit of the peaceful agreement during the first Thanksgiving between Charlie Brown's tribe and the Tea Party Republicans, we all found something in common (other than DNA) by letting me host.  

However, I would not be serving traditional Thanksgiving fare.  As long as I didn't eat fried rice from a laminate table next to a hibachi grill on one of my favorite holidays then I guess I would be okay.

Italian also seemed the the easiest option because at least one or all of these people didn't like green things, all manner of vegetables, onions, spicy things, garlic, nuts, herbs or really any other food that I like.  See ya next time, Brussels sprouts.  Approved items are red meat or bacon, cheese (only of the cheddar variety), ranch dressing and pasta.

So I made lasagna.  Meat, cheese, pasta.  No ranch dressing.  You can't get any more crowd-pleasing than that.  I also made an Italian green bean salad AND an actual salad for the two people that wanted it.  Me and me.  It had cranberries in it because FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, GIVE ME SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

Everything turned out fine and I'll have to keep all the really saucy stuff private of course but the whole dinner can be summed up by the fact that I drank wine during our meal and they drank Mountain Dew.  Ah, family.  

The Disney Forest Noir tablescape was toned down to something a little more tasteful (tasteful if you're the kind of person who likes Mountain Dew that is).  It was really nothing more than a piece of Thomas Paul fabric I found years ago at a junk store for a few bucks used as a tablecloth (selvedge still there - no one noticed) with a cutting board and some shiny things on top.  Total cost: $0.  Cost to my design blogger status: to be determined.

The full spread looked better than this but I totally forgot to take a picture of it before the real meal.  The hot cheese was distracting...  But I did eat some leftovers near the leftover tablescaping so just add in some more dramatic elements to the pictures here to make it more glamorous in your head.

Lacking a  Martha Stewart-style cornucopia of glitter and sequins on the table, we did get to use my mom's gold tone flatware from the '60s which is one of my 'grab in a fire' items.  The other items being my favorite fleece pajama pants and that one picture of me from high school where I looked like Drew Barrymore.  I don't want to let anyone forget that that moment happened.

Canape plates from West Elm (last year's Xmas present from me to me)
Other than flashy utensils, my favorite part of the meal was dessert.  I don't normally bake but I had to do something for the special occasion.  I decided to try a pumpkin tiramisu because it seemed to fit with the theme and by gawd I was going to force some traditional flavors into these people's mouths whether they liked it or not.

It only partially worked because some people didn't know what tiramisu was so they opted out.  Swing and a miss for the Madame.  But *I* thought that shit was fantastic so there was more for me.  I used this recipe but doubled the spices and brushed the lady fingers in a mixture of coffee and maple syrup because that seemed like a good idea.  I couldn't find Amaretti cookies because I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so I crumbled Biscoff cookies on top.  What, WHAT?!  I patted myself on the back for that one.

Other than cook and eat I did nothing over the holiday except watch movies about gay bears on Netflix and stay locked in the house.  Kinda like a normal weekend.  Except I started putting up MY CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!!!!

Thanksgiving you are dead to me now.  

Except if any of y'all have leftover turkey and dressing.  Even some cranberry sauce out of the can, I don't care.  I'll trade you some lasagna for it...

I'd love to hear your favorite Thanksgiving recipes so I can drool over them and dream about next year when I get a new family.  A family that likes food and tells me I look like Drew Barrymore all the time.


  1. I love that tablecloth choice! I would totally trade you mashed potatoes for lasagna. Due to miscommunication with my mother we ended up with 8lbs of mashed potatoes, plus 2lbs in leftover uncooked potatoes. Our house is ridiculous with food right now. Somehow 4.5 people = more food than we made last year for 15 people.

    This is after I suggested Dim Sum Thanksgiving and got shot down. I too need a new family. It's about to be Dim Sum Christmas, bitches!

    1. Honestly, that "tablecloth" did look nice when everything was set up. Yay!

      I would gladly trade you my family for some mashed potatoes. If you want Dim Sum I bet you'd get along with my family. Except they don't know what Dim Sum is...

      Hope you had a good holiday!