Hanna and Carrie Underwood in a battle to the death...

I know y'all are in the holiday spirit after seeing Carrie Underwood awkwardly yodel vomit in a flat Southern accent all over your tv screen but I need some additional help.  It was 71 degrees here today and Santa may have to deliver gifts Pecos Bill style because this shit ain't natural.

here

In the spirit of the poor abused children of the Von Trapp family, here are a few of my favorite winter things.  That is, in addition to the obvious things like Cyber Monday shopping while sitting in a bathtub of eggnog of course.

here

This year I'm feeling like I want to trade in my 10,000 watt sparkle for a more subdued Nordic craftsmaiden-look that's made of snow and sweaters and fur muffs

here

Like Hanna except if she was really into yarn crafts instead of shooting guns.  

here

here

I'm becoming increasingly obsessed with winter white and I give no fucks.  It's like having Charlemagne on every surface and ain't nothing wrong with that.

here

here

here

Where I sit while I whittle your Christmas dildos.  

here

I want to live here then remember my cartoon face and clown body would be positively grotesque in such a frosty wonderland of subtlety.  But a clown cartoon can still dream...

here

*stares wistfully out window longing to be a Norwegian ice princess*

here

here

It's like a winter wonderland in my heart right now...

here

This tree has so much restraint that it's physical painful for me.

here

here

here

here

Damn, I just want to chop wood and knit a giant blanket to cover the entire gayborhood and forage in the woods for gift toppers.  

I've had a genius idea this year:  I love Christmas crafting but ran out of time to do anything because time goes faster in 2013.  SO I'm going to craft all kinds of goodies and then pack them away for NEXT YEAR!  Then when I open up my Christmas boxes next year it's like actual Christmas presents!  Because they'll be new... and the things...  with the shiny...

Shit, I don't have a lot of exciting things going on in my life for this holiday so crafting for the future is pretty much it.

here

BUT I'm pretty excited about my wrapping sooo... there's that to save me from abject misery!  All my wrapping is grey and white and beige this year.  Possibly a little red if I feel like whoring it up for baby Jeezus.  I have a hard time with restraint thing as we've talked about.

here

Even J. Crew is agreeing with my color palette.  This lady will probably fit entirely under my tree.  Or I can have her hand out your perfectly wrapped holiday dildos.  

here

here

here

Probably the best thing I've ever seen.  I'm gonna have my J. Crew model go create this in my backyard.  She'll be fine.  It's 70 here, remember?

here

Is that a tiny adorable paper tree?!  Welp, can't wait to find that next year while unpacking my Christmas goodies.

here

I see your wrapping game is on point this year.  I will not fail you, friends and family and other people I don't really care about but still want to impress with my wrapping 

here

Shut up, you know you're making that this weekend.  

here

here

I think this is the longest post in history but I got really excited about foggy pine trees and snowy rooftops and sweet Maddie.  Charlemagne gets cranky when I try to swathe her in greenery so I gotta get my fix on the internet.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bathtub to fill with eggnog and an Amazon cart that won't fill itself.

The purge before the coming glitter storm.

So I don't know about y'all but I spent the last four days watching Misfits and balls deep in, well, Christmas glitter balls.  I put the entire autumnal smorgasbord - pumpkin, potatoes, turducken - in my body within the span of 24 hours.  I need to do some purging of body and brain.

But first, I made the previously mentioned butternut squash mac and cheese for my orphan Thanksgiving offering and didn't make anyone cry so I say it's a win!  If you're like me and think butternut squash ravioli is transcendent but wish there was more of the good shit but on the OUTSIDE then this is for you. Good for breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, dinner, fourth meal and all manner of Misfits-induced binge eating in between.

I used a combination of this recipe and this one but threw in some sage and probably some other things that I can't remember... Topped it with some homemade fried onions and bacon and I think some cheese... I'm not good with following recipes because I DO WHAT I WANT but I strongly encourage you to try it.  I could talk about butternut squash all day long but I'll spare you.

Showering was optional during my 4 day hermit-age and my thirty-something skin is pretty pissed about it.  My hair was starting to take on a sociopath hipster look which wasn't that bad because this is the look I'm aiming for this winter:

Uma Wang

Like a gothic ice princess.  In a really badass poncho.

In keeping with the gothic ice princess of doom theme, I'm getting rid of a lot of color in my house.  It's just too overwhelming, she says as she's stares at a blank white wall in a white room with a white cat.  

BUT I had a special moment with this tobacco brown headboard and pale blush pillows recently:

Emily Henderson for Cup of Jo

The rest really is overwhelming to me but since I'm embracing my pinkitude this year I thought it was noteworthy.

And I'm assuming when y'all weren't staring at the business end of a dangerously overflowing plate of food you had your eyes focused on this:

here

I thoroughly loved Catching Fire despite all lack of vaginal feels regarding Peeta but does anyone else get as excited about the cornucopia as I do?  

Catching Fire here

It's like the set designer wanted to make something that appeared deadly and modern and just threw some shit together but, I don't know, it works for me.

OG Hunger Games cornucopia here

I think I gasp every time it's on screen.  But we all know that I love some weirdly modern dystopian shit in the middle of a field...

Yugoslavian monuments from a loooong time ago...

*cough*

Perhaps buoyed by concrete and bleakness, wanting to pare down at home goes hand in hand with getting rid of color.  The occupational hazard of being a design blogger is buying shit.  Lots of shit.  The Ranch is like a circus of objets d'art.  Objets d'art from the junk store.

here

So I've been salivating at some minimal interiors a lot lately.  It's like the softer side of gothic ice princess.

I could do some color like this but I'm mostly loving the lack of frivolity.

OOOH LOOK AT THIS FRIVOLOUS THING I WANT THIS SO DAMN BAD!!!

via Jaga Design

Do you see my problem?  The problem with THINGS not the problem with snakes.  They're adorable.  Know what else is adorable?  Salvador Dali's flatware:

here

You need to enlarge it then feast your eyeballs on it.  It's so fucking good you'll beg for someone to carve your heart out with one of those delightful spoons.

But when I can't buy surrealist utensils I just go straight to a store and buy some replacement things to fill the hole in my heart that is NOT from it being carved out by a sweet spoon.  Just the hole caused by life and blogging.  Sigh...

I can't resist some wooden tchotchkes... things to keep you fidgeters happy... hand nom noms... whatever you want to call them.  In this case these are wooden puzzles I found on the cheap and they're really turning my crank.  I want to awkwardly hug them.

Look - POOR DRAMATIC LIGHTING.  We'll see if I keep them all or exchange them for Christmas gifts that I should have been buying.  Sorry, family and my constant burning desire for a minimal house.

In related news, remember that table that I bought that sat empty for a long time because of my back and fear of commitment regarding styling?  Well I got about halfway through playing around and realized that it's in the spot where my Christmas tree is going so I decided to watch more Misfits instead.

I'll probably add some wooden hand nom noms after the holiday but for now it's a string of pearls succulent (that's still alive!) and some rocks and shit.

There's also a bowl of more thingies to fidget with including some worry wood (is this a Southern thing or just a Lacy thing?) and a vajra.  In general, I hate appropriating items from other religions but it's shiny and I like to fidget so it seemed fitting.

Doesn't matter.  There's currently a Christmas tree standing where all this stuff is and I'm sure it'll look completely different come January.

Thanksgiving is dead to me now (except for the butternut squash mac and cheese I'm probably gonna make again next week) and I'm all about glitter and the baby jeezus now.

Know what I want under my tree this year?  The ability to stop buying shit and this:

My fake boyfriend Joseph Gilgun

Misfits has the prettiest people that really know how to style a jumpsuit.  I'm probably the only one who likes this one (especially after seeing Lockout) but I can't help it.  

I'm drawn to weirdo sociopaths (maybe they'll like my new hair) and trinkets.

And butternut squash.

Operation Turkey Destroyer

Welcome back, fellow carb loaders and shopping sadists!  I hope everyone's temporary binge eating/spending holiday was successful and full of gravy.  Mine was successful but not full of gravy.  *grumpy cat face*

Due to some scheduling conflicts the normal family plan wasn't an option.  It was suggested that we all go have Japanese food on Thanksgiving and then anarchy ensued so I offered to host.  

I utilized plants. FROM THE OUTSIDE.

I was the only one starting the anarchy but I think it was warranted considering the situation.  The situation being that my family apparently hates America and delicious food.  But in the spirit of the peaceful agreement during the first Thanksgiving between Charlie Brown's tribe and the Tea Party Republicans, we all found something in common (other than DNA) by letting me host.  

However, I would not be serving traditional Thanksgiving fare.  As long as I didn't eat fried rice from a laminate table next to a hibachi grill on one of my favorite holidays then I guess I would be okay.

Italian also seemed the the easiest option because at least one or all of these people didn't like green things, all manner of vegetables, onions, spicy things, garlic, nuts, herbs or really any other food that I like.  See ya next time, Brussels sprouts.  Approved items are red meat or bacon, cheese (only of the cheddar variety), ranch dressing and pasta.

So I made lasagna.  Meat, cheese, pasta.  No ranch dressing.  You can't get any more crowd-pleasing than that.  I also made an Italian green bean salad AND an actual salad for the two people that wanted it.  Me and me.  It had cranberries in it because FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, GIVE ME SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

Everything turned out fine and I'll have to keep all the really saucy stuff private of course but the whole dinner can be summed up by the fact that I drank wine during our meal and they drank Mountain Dew.  Ah, family.  

The Disney Forest Noir tablescape was toned down to something a little more tasteful (tasteful if you're the kind of person who likes Mountain Dew that is).  It was really nothing more than a piece of Thomas Paul fabric I found years ago at a junk store for a few bucks used as a tablecloth (selvedge still there - no one noticed) with a cutting board and some shiny things on top.  Total cost: $0.  Cost to my design blogger status: to be determined.

The full spread looked better than this but I totally forgot to take a picture of it before the real meal.  The hot cheese was distracting...  But I did eat some leftovers near the leftover tablescaping so just add in some more dramatic elements to the pictures here to make it more glamorous in your head.

Lacking a  Martha Stewart-style cornucopia of glitter and sequins on the table, we did get to use my mom's gold tone flatware from the '60s which is one of my 'grab in a fire' items.  The other items being my favorite fleece pajama pants and that one picture of me from high school where I looked like Drew Barrymore.  I don't want to let anyone forget that that moment happened.

Canape plates from West Elm (last year's Xmas present from me to me)

Other than flashy utensils, my favorite part of the meal was dessert.  I don't normally bake but I had to do something for the special occasion.  I decided to try a pumpkin tiramisu because it seemed to fit with the theme and by gawd I was going to force some traditional flavors into these people's mouths whether they liked it or not.

It only partially worked because some people didn't know what tiramisu was so they opted out.  Swing and a miss for the Madame.  But *I* thought that shit was fantastic so there was more for me.  I used this recipe but doubled the spices and brushed the lady fingers in a mixture of coffee and maple syrup because that seemed like a good idea.  I couldn't find Amaretti cookies because I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so I crumbled Biscoff cookies on top.  What, WHAT?!  I patted myself on the back for that one.

Other than cook and eat I did nothing over the holiday except watch movies about gay bears on Netflix and stay locked in the house.  Kinda like a normal weekend.  Except I started putting up MY CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!!!!

Thanksgiving you are dead to me now.  

Except if any of y'all have leftover turkey and dressing.  Even some cranberry sauce out of the can, I don't care.  I'll trade you some lasagna for it...

I'd love to hear your favorite Thanksgiving recipes so I can drool over them and dream about next year when I get a new family.  A family that likes food and tells me I look like Drew Barrymore all the time.

Can you pass me the gravy and glitter gnome?

The countdown to 2013 has begun!  To give us the energy to make it through this marathon of goodwill and glitter, the patron saint of the holiday season - Her Holiness, Friday of the Black Order - has blessed us with a day just to carb load.  And fat load.  Probably salt load for good measure too.

So for this year's annual day of celebratory carb loading I'm hosting my own family for Thanksgiving.  FOR THE FIRST TIME.  Dun dun dunnnnn!!

It's not that dramatic - there's only about 6 of us at this par-tay so I'm not really worried.  In fact I'm kind of excited.  And excited about setting the table which is weird for me...  I think I may have been possessed by the spirit of Sandra Lee because I shopped my house including all the secret closets I'd like to pretend aren't full and this happened:

Where did all this shit come from?!  I have to stop thrifting.

Apparently the ghost of Sandra Lee wants me to have a Disney-esque Forest Noir theme for Thanksgiving and who can argue with that except for Taste and Logic?  My family will be utterly confused.  Possibly blinded by all the shiny things.  

I hope y'all have a good holiday and make sure to let me know all the yummy things you ate because I want to eat them too.

I'll be back next week with holiday hijinks and hopefully a table that looks more like an adult set it and not Princess Sandra Lee.

I squee for sedums.

The previous owners of my house, though they loved filth and porn, really hated nature.  They destroyed a large majority of my back yard because fuck it, we hate grass so let's pave it and then put astroturf over it all!  Sounds reasonable.


So 85% of my back yard is asphalt or patio.  It's not a concrete jungle it's a concrete river.  Of ugly.  So when I decided to jazz up ye olde ModSauce patio I really wanted to include some planters of green things to make it seem somewhat hospitable for human habitation. 


This is problematic because I want my patio to have a container garden that looks like this:

here

But I have the money and gardening skillz to make it look like this:

Stolen from this lovely family's vacation photos.

I needed help.  I needed a black thumb intervention.  


Fortunately my friend and local blogger Dava Stewart of Smiling Tree Writing hooked me up with a local plant lady of extreme knowledge and compassionate expertise: Belle of Green Thumbs Galore.


Fun fact: she's about a mile from the MS Ranch.  It was destiny!


I emailed her my about project, my skill level and added a desperate plea for help and we set up a black thumb intervention date at her nursery.  Which is this:

Quick and dirty iPhone photos so deal.

Also known as her backyard.  That also looks like this:

And this:

With a little of this:

Just like your backyard, I'm sure.  Greenhouse and all.

How bout some of this? 

Sure, just rub it in!

Most of her business is through their website which is interesting because I didn't really know you could mail plants.  I assumed they were all sensitive delicate creatures of infinite suffering based on my personal experiences with them.  


So I asked her how in the hell you actually mail plants.  She said, "In a box."


...


Well-played, Belle.  Let's be best friends. I'm already learning so much.  


I knew I wanted something succulenty (already learning proper gardening terminology) and sculptural because I AM a design blogger of course.  I didn't know how to explain that to her but I didn't even need to because she had this in her nursery: 

and is super plant smart. She's the plant whisperer.  Or maybe she's the green-challenged idiot whisperer...  For her sake, let's go with the first one.


I know a very small bit about putting together color and textures (see part above about being a fancy design blogger) but not really when it comes to things that are alive.  She helped show me how plants work together and explained to me about making a group that has something tall, something spreading and something trailing.  


Or was it something tumbling and something stumbling?  Or was I supposed to have a shower and a grower...?  Let's go with the first one. 


I should have taken better notes.


But she put together some really beautiful things for me that were exactly what I wanted even though I didn't know that I wanted them.

*FIST PUMP*  Since I'm nurture-challenged we started with a small selection to see what I do well with and I can always divide them later. If they survive...  Dun dun duuunnnnn!!

So I played around at home and put these guys together:

Yay!  I made plant things!  Now those pillows aren't mocking me with their fake flora.

Hey is that a LANTERN?!

The planters were a smattering of TJ Maxx and junk store finds.  Who DOESN'T need brass on their patio, amiright???!!  The black hexagon is actually the metal base for a tea dispenser that I drilled some holes in for drainage.  It's called upcycling, y'all.  Southern saucy style.

So far everything is alive and well!  Except for the moss in the top center.  When I went to my mountain lovefest vacation, it threw in the towel.  Farewell, friend.  We barely knew ye.

These dudes seem happy.  Waiting on that tiny sedum to hit puberty (after I gave it a rough childhood) but I'm patient.

Purple dude is appreciative of brass and I am appreciative of him.  

This is my favorite planter and not only because it dispensed sweet tea in its former life.  All the plants - um... coral bells, a little hen and chicks action and some bright green sedum thing that had yellow flowers (?) - are all super chummy and not dead and that makes me squee long time.

Obviously you should contact Green Thumbs Galore if you need information because I have no idea what the name of these things are.  After you find out you should tell me.

Pardon my gratuitous planter porn but I'm so proud these things have survived - nay, THRIVED - this long.  

On the opposite side of the furniture I have another grouping to further titillate your green senses:

Ok it's a little weird-looking right here, I'll give you that.  The empty brass planter was an ice chest during the patio partio and I just haven't moved it.  All the brass came as a set so whatareyagonnado.  I swear no more brass though.

But look at the plants!

We've got a nice fern that will grow big and ferny and is sharing a brassy apartment with those bright green things again.  A bit more moss but like its cousin across the patio, it didn't like my 'live and let die' plant philosophy.

Probably should have planted that hen and her chicks elsewhere.  Tight squeeze.

Look!  Another brass planter AND A LANTERN!  Yay for hens and chicks because I know what those are now!

Overall I'm very happy with my maiden voyage into container land because this shit is hard for me, y'all!  Most everything is doing well and I've learned a lot about what I'm good at (inspiring other people to want to help me) and what I'm not good at (moss).  From here things can only go up!  Literally, I need some taller things come next year.  I definitely need a grower.

Now we just have to hope that hope everything survives the hell that is our August but I'm also hoping I survive it too.  I get really cranky and I'm pretty sure plants don't respond well to verbal abuse.

Regardless of my future foul mouth, thank you to Green Thumbs Galore for their generous spirit and expertise.  They may have turned my black thumb into a slightly less black thumb.  I swear I saw hints of olive green yesterday as I was watering BUT NOT OVERWATERING!  *eyebrow wiggle*  

Should anyone have plant needs, I know they would be happy to help any other fellow members of the black thumb brigade or even normal green thumb people no matter what zone you live in.  (I live in the party zone if you were wondering).

You can even get plants mailed straight to you.  

In a box.