Thursday, December 5, 2013

Hanna and Carrie Underwood in a battle to the death...

I know y'all are in the holiday spirit after seeing Carrie Underwood awkwardly yodel vomit in a flat Southern accent all over your tv screen but I need some additional help.  It was 71 degrees here today and Santa may have to deliver gifts Pecos Bill style because this shit ain't natural.

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In the spirit of the poor abused children of the Von Trapp family, here are a few of my favorite winter things.  That is, in addition to the obvious things like Cyber Monday shopping while sitting in a bathtub of eggnog of course.
This year I'm feeling like I want to trade in my 10,000 watt sparkle for a more subdued Nordic craftsmaiden-look that's made of snow and sweaters and fur muffs

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Like Hanna except if she was really into yarn crafts instead of shooting guns.  


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I'm becoming increasingly obsessed with winter white and I give no fucks.  It's like having Charlemagne on every surface and ain't nothing wrong with that.



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Where I sit while I whittle your Christmas dildos.  

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I want to live here then remember my cartoon face and clown body would be positively grotesque in such a frosty wonderland of subtlety.  But a clown cartoon can still dream...

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*stares wistfully out window longing to be a Norwegian ice princess*

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It's like a winter wonderland in my heart right now...

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This tree has so much restraint that it's physical painful for me.

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Damn, I just want to chop wood and knit a giant blanket to cover the entire gayborhood and forage in the woods for gift toppers.  

I've had a genius idea this year:  I love Christmas crafting but ran out of time to do anything because time goes faster in 2013.  SO I'm going to craft all kinds of goodies and then pack them away for NEXT YEAR!  Then when I open up my Christmas boxes next year it's like actual Christmas presents!  Because they'll be new... and the things...  with the shiny...

Shit, I don't have a lot of exciting things going on in my life for this holiday so crafting for the future is pretty much it.

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BUT I'm pretty excited about my wrapping sooo... there's that to save me from abject misery!  All my wrapping is grey and white and beige this year.  Possibly a little red if I feel like whoring it up for baby Jeezus.  I have a hard time with restraint thing as we've talked about.


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Even J. Crew is agreeing with my color palette.  This lady will probably fit entirely under my tree.  Or I can have her hand out your perfectly wrapped holiday dildos.  

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Probably the best thing I've ever seen.  I'm gonna have my J. Crew model go create this in my backyard.  She'll be fine.  It's 70 here, remember?

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Is that a tiny adorable paper tree?!  Welp, can't wait to find that next year while unpacking my Christmas goodies.

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I see your wrapping game is on point this year.  I will not fail you, friends and family and other people I don't really care about but still want to impress with my wrapping 

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Shut up, you know you're making that this weekend.  

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I think this is the longest post in history but I got really excited about foggy pine trees and snowy rooftops and sweet Maddie.  Charlemagne gets cranky when I try to swathe her in greenery so I gotta get my fix on the internet.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bathtub to fill with eggnog and an Amazon cart that won't fill itself.


4 comments:

  1. We have plenty of lovely snow here in Denver, but it was also -6 this morning as I walked to work...in tights (because today is the office holiday party and I feel obligated to wear traditional girly garb). So it is a little less fun for us, but we are sending that love your way. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like the snow is going to successfully make the transit and it will make it to you in the form of a nasty ice storm. I blame the USPS. Or maybe it is the milk and bread levee in TN that did fend off the snow, but did so by accidentally transforming it into sheets of angry, chilly death. Smooth move, Tennessee hoodoo.

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    1. Our milk and bread levee transformed it into misery and rain. It was a fun weekend. Sigh...

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  2. Oh God, the Nordic minimalist bastards and they're stylish restraint! Ugh, I'm in the babysitting co-op where our family is clearly the poorest and all the other parents' houses look like this. Classy, beige and subtle. Fuckers. They look at horror at my deco metal dentist cabinet with peeling toxic paint. I'm sorry but its an accomplishment to own deco metal furniture. So what if it's poisoning the cat and the toddler? I always want to smash their houses when our kids play together.

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    1. In my head minimal and neutral seems real casual and comfy (probably cuz I'm thinking of Christmas..?) but maybe in real life it's cold and makes people want to smash houses...?? Worth investigating. I need to find some rich people's houses to, uh, research.

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