My life of crime as a woodland nymph.

It's Spring so naturally I've been entertaining ideas of becoming a landscape designer/woodland nymph again.  Since it's the end of the week let's frolic in fantasy together courtesy of my favorite outdoor pins lately.

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This is like the best/saddest patio ever.  I think it's gotta be in an Italian prison of some kind.

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I like how this place is either a delightful shower or a place where toxic waste is emptied through that drain spout up top.  Still nice.

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I think this is black mondo grass which I must have.  But mostly I just like the rock detailing in the corner.  I can definitely make that (and some cute weeds) happen.

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The pin lists all the loverlies but mostly I love the Lenten roses (?) here and the mix of colors.  I like mixing colors as long as it doesn't look like a rainbow of pansies on your front porch.  If you like that then that's fine but I have a mint green house and shit gets real tricky with mint and rainbows.  

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This isn't a garden but it CAME from a garden and I wish my garden looked like that and had this color palette.  Would look really nice in front of mint green, eh?  EH?  I mean, as good as things could look in front of mint green.

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Maybe I should just stick with greens.  Because my yard could totally look like that... Yes, I've been drinking...

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This too.  If we're fantasizing I'm going all in.

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Obviously I'm in desperate need of some vines eating up my place and a water feature.

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What I really want in my garden of delights (that is not code for my vagina) is a mix of Southern and California modern something or another.

I'm not smart enough to do that but in my head it works.  Like, hydrangeas but with cacti and grasses and shit.  

Landscapers down here look at me funny when I try to explain it - they say "What about some nice knockout roses?"  Fuck your knockout roses!*

*I actually have some knockout roses but only because I was young and didn't know about Pinterest or imaginary Southern/Cali punk rock landscapes and a guy I thought I could trust recommended them to me so there ya go.  Their ubiquitous, genetically-mutated asses thrive beautifully but I regret it.

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This McMansion-looking bed of evergreens looks workable for a Southern yard but it needs a punk rock edge.  And to look less McMansiony.

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This is a cute little vignette.  I think the key to everything is groundcover.  GROUNDCOVER.

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 Or just a really amazing architectural structure.

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Dat muppet grass tho...  I gotta get some hardscaping too.  If you follow me on Twitter you already know my criminal plans but I think I'm going to start stealing large rocks from abandoned fields and places that look like they don't want their rocks there.  Also, I might dig up a plant that's cool.  It's not reeaaallly stealing but more like I'm doing them a FAVOR. 

They built a Costco a few miles from my house and left mountains of ugly rock right by the road.  It's like the WANT me to take it.  It'll certainly improve the view and if a cop shows up I'm sure I could talk my way out of it I mean hellooo I'm a super friendly blonde lady sooo...  Maaaybe I could even talk him into helping load a big rock into my car.  

Note to self: steal rocks with nice lipstick on.  

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Can I steal any of these plants anywhere because I would like that...?  

Instead of immediately moving into a life of plant crime (watching too much Sopranos) I have invented the art of Plant Swapping!  It's where you trade out your unwanted yard residents for your neighbor's and everybody wins!  I was envisioning a Craigslist-esque site but then someone informed me that they think Craigslist already does that but I think I can do it better.

"I have monkey grass.  Do you need monkey grass? Well come dig this shit up and it's yours!"

I'm telling you, this plan is genius and is in no way affiliated with Wife Swap.

If you only knew...

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This is kent oregeno and it's adorable and I want some.  First ad I'll post on Plant Swap is for this.  

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Or this.  I'll just post this picture and see what I get.  Don't even talk to me about fences right now.  A black fence is landscaping wet dream material.  I'm praying a small, localized tornado comes to my yard this year and destroys a few things so insurance will replace them.  Hell, it worked for my roof a few years ago so it's not entirely impossible.

Well, that tornado wasn't small or localized... : (

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Anybody got a rock they need gone I'm your girl!  Well, I'm your girl that will call my strong man friends to come get it but please contact me first.

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 Give me all the succulents!!

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AND GRASSES!

Ok my list of things to swap/steal is succulents, grasses, rocks, oregano, more strong friends and sexy lipstick.  Holler at me if you got any of that.  I have some knockout roses and lots of other things I can't identify but I KNOW you want.