My safeword is 'microwave.'

Happy upcoming Valentime's weekend!

Yes, Totino's has a tumblr.

I'm spending the weekend with my first love: Pizza Rolls!  And possibly some terrible smut if I feel like throwing my money away and seeing 50 Shades.  Carbs and kink: what else is there in life?

Normally I won't get within ten yards of a heart because UGH how aesthetically boring, said the fancy design blogger with a Pizza Roll gifs one inch above.  Also, I don't like to wear or surround myself with bright red.  How guache.  *cuts up Pizza Roll with a knife and fork*

However, I'm actually kinda enjoying Valentine's Day this year for some weird reason.  Have the cute vegan sugar cookies gotten to me?  Maybe it's just because I've avoided 110% of all V'Day-related things up until this point so what's a pink heart or two?  Prepare yourself because I even have a post all about pink coming up soon.

I was also weirdly excited about New Year's resolutions earlier this year...??  Apparently I've been bodysnatched and replaced with a happy person filled with "emotions" and "love" in 2015.  Hashtag basic bitch and loving it.

Hopefully I'll be filled with pizza rolls and some second-hand embarrassment courtesy of a very lucky fanfiction in a few days.

Read the best review/thinkpiece-of-shame about 50 Shades here.  

You know where to get Pizza Rolls.

Cabin fever is for lovers and sociopaths.

GRATUITOUS SNOW DUMP!

Literally.

The rest of the country would rather die than look at more snow but us Southerners love a good cold day of miracles and frozen precipitation as long as it doesn't involve a traffic jam from hell like last month.  We enjoyed a delightfully manageable eight inches that resulted in much Instagraming.  *clears throat*

Well, "manageable" is a strong word considering power is out for thousands of people and I've had to work at home for three days because we don't leave the house now after the storm a few weeks ago.  

Day 1 was Wheeee! and I got a lot of work done.  By Day 2 I was feeling... strange... and started doing some logic puzzles like in middle school so my brain wouldn't turn into mush but I'd already lost so many synapses that they just classified my results with a sad face.  

By Day 3 my cabin fever has turned into brain pneumonia and I forgot how to talk to human beings.  I'm wearing socks on my hands.

I just grunt at things to communicate and eat a lot of dry cereal.

 I'm de-evolving.  

via Vintage Gal

Here's my Valentime's selfie for you.

I'm getting you all Open Hearts Wave necklaces because that's how much I love you.  It's like regular Open Hearts necklaces but BETTER because WAVES.

Just kidding.  We're all getting the same thing for Valentine's day.

Hours upon hours of everyone's lesbian girl crush and hair porn.  

Happy Valentime's Day!

Arrested Development valentines from The Bluth Company

Just a few more months, y'all...

This makes me exceedingly happy.

How many people are blogging about this today?

It's the saucy new illustrated Kama Sutra by Malika Favre for all you graphic design nerds who are also dirty dirty sex freaks and are bored with reading Cosmo's position-a-day and need to raise the bar this holiday.  Now you don't have to attempt to figure out how to defy gravity doing the Rotating Praying Mantis by looking at old hippies with bad hair.  Or maybe that was just me when I was a teenager reading the Kama Sutra in secret...

I'm so grateful for something else to look at other than "modernized" hearts.  I don't dislike Valentine's Day but I hate the heart shape.  If you're going to profess your undying love for me do it with a circle because that's my favorite shape.  That's not a wedding ring joke, I just prefer circles.

I'd post more of the illustrations because they're super cool but I draw the line at featuring cartoon BJs no matter how much I dig the way they're drawn.  But feel free to check them out along with Malika's other prints. 

Also, Malika really tweaked my cartoon nipple because look at this header:

HEEEYYYYY!  

Remind you of anything?

Bladow.  I just realized that my mole is a circle.  Apparently I'm some kind of weirdo narcissist...

Anymole - praying manti, Whitman's samplers and heart shapes aside, let's make an effort to support V-Day this month.  It's the organization that helps end violence against women started by Eve Ensler of The Vagina Monologues.  Usually the play is produced this month all over the country and proceeds from tickets sales go to local organizations that fight violence and sexual abuse.  It's a great show - for men too - if you've never seen it.

If you want to paint on a fake mole so we could all look alike when we go see the play that's totally up to you but might be really cool.  Just sayin...

*mole tweak*

I choo-choo-choose you... to accept my decapitated head.

Despite what most people might think I don't hate Valentime's Day.  How could I hate a fake holiday where people are forced to show their undying love for me??  Glittery fake devotion is what I live for.  Except for all the pank.  

But I'll take blood red of course.

Be still my soon-to-be-lifeless heart.

Combining my love for gratuitous gore and repressed Victorian sweetness and you get Jessica Harrison's porcelain dolls.  

Butterflies in your tummy?  Awww... cute.  But THIS is what real love feels like!!!!  It's lot closer to Braveheart getting drawn and quartered than flutterings and angels.

Skulls are so unnecessary, really, but a smile is an absolute requirement if you're a nice girl.

Sadly, the most thoughtful Valentime's gift I ever received was from my gay best friend in high school who SWORE he didn't want to be just friends but that he was actually in love with me.  A real love that included braiding my hair, trying to touch my boobs but completely avoiding my vagina.  I tried to convince him it was actually dick he was in love with but it took him another four years to figure that out.  I'm like the Horse Whisperer of gay dudes if they every bothered to listen to me rather than going on and on about how pretty my eye makeup is.  I need you to focus, guys.

I think one time a (straight) dude asked me "Bet you thought I was going to get you something today?" followed by 10 seconds of awkward silence.................  Oh high school BFF, I think I've made a horrible mistake!  Please come back and braid my hair!!  I'll let you touch my boobs all you want!!

If dangling eyeballs isn't your thing (you might be a pussy) or maybe you just don't want to dust another tchotchke you can always get a fantastic Killhouettes print by John Fair.

'Lady Butterwick's Trophy Husband' which will soon be hanging above my fireplace.

This might be the only kind of sport I like. 

And possibly the way I like this holiday the best.  Maybe I could dip all this stuff in chocolate to take it to the next level.