Will you make me one of these planters, chili pie?

Party people, I hope you had a fantastic three day weekend full of cheap beer and even cheaper wieners of questionable origin.  

I entertained some wieners on Saturday (their origin is homosexual so nothing questionable going on there) for a Frito chili pie party.  Wheeee!  I don't think I've had a Frito chili pie in about 15 years so when a craving struck me, I couldn't resist.

We all need more Frito chili pie in our lives.

I even like the phrase 'chili pie.'  It's kinda trashy and maybe even a tad disgusting but in a slightly sexual way.  In fact, I like it so much I'm going to replace my normal nicknames with it.  No more 'sweetheart' or 'honey,' it's 'chili pie' from now on.  

"Hey, how you doin,' chili pie?!"

via Serious Eats

My chili pie totally looked like this... *shifty eyes*

I should have spent the next two days at the mall throwing my money at fine retail establishments to support America, but instead I spent it digging in the dirt.  Don't let anyone ever tell you a design blogger is a glamorous job.

Ok I also watched Arrested Development which is the whitest, most Americanest thing I can do, really, so yay 'merica.

Planting season was about two months ago but I like to toe the line of proper lawn maintenance and respectability.  I got 75% of the way done with my chores and had to quit because the shovel was starting to rub a sore spot on my palm and I'd rather have an ugly yard than rough, calloused monster hands.  

Having my yard and patio become the oasis it is destined to be is taking a bit longer than I expected.  But what do you expect when I kill at least 30% of the living things I bring within the borders of my domicile?  Good thing Charlemagne is so resilient.

I'm continuously working on my container gardens which is about three years from looking like this:

via Living Arrangements

Just put things in a pot, they said!  Let nature do the work, they said!  

They are more monstrous than the almost-callouses on my hands!  I'm stuck even finding cute containers to put things in.  No wonder people use old wheelbarrows and shit.  Vessels are expensive.

here

Unless you can just use what you have laying around or stolen from a nearby renovation project!

The worst part of this crime is how much effort you can tell they put into it.  You know in their heads they thought "Hmm, in what way can I upcycle these toilets in a really fun but MODERN way...??"

But terrible doesn't always have to be on such a grand, shit-tastic scale.

I'm all for DIY - I gave perms to my mother starting at the age of 11 and I was awesome at it.  But we can just say no, sometimes.  Neon, unlike wine, doesn't make everything better.

I swear to gawd if I see a toilet planter with some neon triangles painted on it, so help me...

So this is why I've gathered all the best DIY concrete planters on the interwebz that you could feel safe doing and not feel my wrath.

Ne-OOOOOONNNNNNNN! 

That was a Wrath of Khan joke but it probably doesn't read as well as it played out in my head.

Martha Stewart here

First off, Martha Stewart can never steer your wrong.  Make these handsome fellows out of giant metal mixing bowls and some concrete.  Oh Martha, you need to keep your hands off our dating sites and stick to what you know best: crafts and cold, hard concrete.  

(Like your heart)

(Possibly vagina)

(ew)

Martha Stewart here

I don't even care if you do have a rigid and grey vagina because these faux bois planters are sexy.

Or if you want something smaller, there's always the milk carton versions which is the same process as when you made plaster vases in vacation bible school when you were five except there was sooo much glitter and pipe cleaners and the red paint that ran on the tables like rivers of blood and then the jeezus face sticker the teacher had to put on there for you because it was the Fourth of July and it's jeezus's favorite holiday, y'all, and omigawd I have VBSPTSD...

Martha Stewart here

But these are toootally different...  You can even make them for Satan if you want.  I don't care.

Or you can always jazz 'em up a bit like these:

Apocalyptic vessels from Big Red Sun via 2Modern

Don't forget to use your Gatorade bottles and Fabuloso containers to get some groovy, well... grooves.

via Rad Megan

A jeezus sticker would really fuck up the vibe, here.

via Ideas

What kind of terrible, chemical-laden liquid do I have to ingest to get some pretty ridges like those??

buy them on Oh Laszlo's etsy

Of course you can always just keep the milk cartons but add some pizzazz!  Or neon if you were so inclined which of course you are.  Maybe even a bit of pastel.  I don't know your life.

But if you're like me, the thought of making things with concrete seems... motherfucking heavy.  I've actually been collecting these tutorials since last Fall thinking I'll make some planters before the Spring but AHAHAHAHAHA I'm lazy.  My biceps aren't ready.

However, according to Martha Stewart and a bunch of people on Pinterest that are smarter than me, we aren't limited to a material with the density of a black hole.  

Enter hypertufa.  It sounds like an ancient Egyptian drag queen but apparently it looks like this:

via Magia Mia

But is lightweight and made of fairy dust or Martha Stewart queefs or something.

Lowe's tutorial and even a video

I don't know... a lot of the above Martha Stewart containers were made with it and Lowe's has a  tutorial too.  I think this might be the future.

Until I start a strict meth diet, I'll probably not get around to making any of these but I really hope you do.  Maybe even go crazy and do this one:

via Centsational Girl

Send pictures because that looks really hard and I'm not sure a real human can do it.

Maybe I'll just do this:

It's the hippie crystal votive holder version of the toilet.