She sheds seashells by the she shore.

Well, it's been a hot minute since I've been here but Springtime is Busytime at the Ranch.  I went on some work trips, had a quick trip to Nashville, went to Miami for a design show and didn't get sunburned - SUCCESS.  I did sweat through my first outfit of the year and it's only May... thanks, Florida.  But I got so many damn shells from the beach Florida should start paying me to haul away their junk.  

You should follow me on Instagram - I 'gram way more than I blog!

Wait, you can take shells from the beach, right?!  It's not illegal like taking plants from a national park, right? 

*mails shells back to Florida*

And after years of traveling I've FINALLY made a permanent toiletry bag so I can grab and go - SUCCESS.  All hail the tiniest of eye cream containers!  I'm adulting all over the damn place.  It's like a bukkake of responsible decisions around here.

When I wasn't jetsetting all over the Southeast region I've been doing never-ending amounts of yardwork.  This month is just so damn sweaty!  I'm reaching the end of my giant bush removal project (for this season) so I'll post some updates on that soon.  It looks... unimpressive for the amount of bitching I've been doing.

So what happened during all this tiny shampoo organizing and endless hole digging?  The Mad Men finale which I'm a season behind on so no spoilers, Janet Jackson announced a new album and tour (!), blackhead-removing videos are my new obsession and favorite lullaby and SHE SHEDS.  

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She sheds are the hot new alliteration all over the websites your mom reads.  It's the lady version of man caves... in case women were feeling left out of the home decor world?  I read some hot take about "gendered spaces" but I could only get three sentences in before I lost all interest in living life.

She sheds seem like nothing other than a catchy blog post name for the cute spaces in a lot of Pinterest folders.  I think we can attribute all of it to that NYT cottage way back when - remember this shabby chic Victorian cottage that induced much eye-rolling (probably from this blogger too?).

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I don't really care anything about the concept of 'she sheds' and somehow just having a discussion about it feels like a women's studies class led by Mike Huckabee so let's just agree to let people of all genders drink wine while knitting dreamcatchers or brewing craft root beer in whatever small outdoorsy space they need.  End of discussion.

Of course, I like my own personal space so much I live alone in my own house.  IT'S THE ULTIMATE SHE SHED!

As a general rule, I'm very pro-shed.  Where I come from, 'behind the shed' is where you smoke for the first time, get fingerbanged or bury a body.  All are glorious rites of passage no matter which one you choose.  As an adult (thanks to my tween rite of passage, you guess which one), I find sheds very useful for all my dirty, dirty tools. Except for the gross barn I had removed last year...

And that's kinda the problem... sheds are gross (see above about numerous amounts of vaginal fluids and corpses) and are like poisonous hotboxes filled with all manner of critters.  I know what lives in a shed outside and it ain't ruffles.  It's spiders.  

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Just some giant open walls for maximum spider passage directly into your BED.  

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And if you want to have a potting shed and paint it pastel well then I hope the Lordt blesses you with a maid and a clue because obviously you've never potted a thing in your life.  My potting shed - because yeah I want one - would be made entirely of black rubber and metal so I can hose it down.  And it has air conditioning.  And a sink... ok it's just a small house filled with piles of dirt that I don't have to clean up.

Seems the UK has a huge shed movement but they are taking it to a whole other level: pub sheds!  Those squirrelly Brits also have a contest for the best sheds and they do not disappoint:

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This urban bike shed is the winner of the best eco shed and it looks delightful.  Bet the British sheds are actual places to sit and have tea and probably not the prisoner of war shed like mine was...

I can definitely get behind this modern shed more than I can that lace and chicken fuckery above.  To each his own I guess.  I mean, she own...

But since this is my blog I get to feature the sheds/greenhouse/unattainable cottages I like.  .

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So let's shed this bitch

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Shed to the max.

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 Shed is bae.

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This glass shed of silence is adorable and I would like it very much.

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I could practically live in this one...

I lost the source...??

This one looks like it really came from a Home Depot kit and I approve.  Home Depot hobbit.  Of course, you could grow vines over a laundry crate and I'd try to rent it on Airbnb.

San Francisco's General Store by On A Hazy Morning

A single room is nice.  Small space for potting but you could also just sit alone with a chair and shut the door.  No judgment.

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This counts as a shed. I bet getting fingerbanged behind this turns you into a fairy.

Nitty Gritty Dirt Man

This half-shed, half-greenhouse is my favorite because he gives you the plans!  How super.  It's a great gardening blog too.

But don't forget the most important part of the yard: Charlemagne.

Unknown.  I probably blogged it before anyway...

Cat shed.  

Just kidding I'd make her hang out in the she shed and kill the rodents that are nesting in my daybed.

I'll probably be blogging light this summer (I don't have a blog shed) but I'll try not to let a month go in between.  That's just rude.

Hope your May was delightful!  Hope it was in a shed.

UPDATE: After I published this post about eleventeenfifty shed articles came across my dash/stream/pins within a few hours which lets me know we all got shed brains right now.  But this one was worth adding.  It's technically a playhouse but I'm saying it's a shed... 

See the whole cute place at Rue

WITH A SLIDE.  All other sheds are moot.

Wanna Vanta? It's blacker than hell and stronger than death...

This is your year, Wednesday, because SCIENZE did a thing.

Thanks to a Smarty McCalculuspants in jolly old England a new super black has been invented.  It's blacker than black.  It's called Vantablack and it does not fuck around.  

Vantablack is the darkest material ever produced absorbing all light except for .035%.  Charcoal absorbs all but 4% and my heart absorbs all but 2.3% if that gives you an idea of what we're dealing with here.  Basically, Vantablack is a stealer of light.  Probably souls too.  It's a Dementor.

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It is also grown on tinfoil.  Dawww... that's kinda cute.  Would really add something exciting to my indoor container plants and seems like a natural fit with my BLACK THUMB.  

Puns.

Actually, I'm pretty sure this is how the robot Dementor army is born...

Vanta is actually an acronym for Vertically Aligned NanoTube Array which is what happens when carbon nanotubes are 'grown' on foil using Satan's magic.  I interpreted this as a jizzillion tiny black holes woven into a fabric that you can buy off the bolt at Hancock's Fabrics soon right?  

This is gonna take my ninja game to a whole new level, y'all!

I'm a little obsessed because it's basically a fabric so dark it limits your perception to two dimensions.  Name a chintz that has that kind of power, I DARE YOU!

Okay maybe a toile but that's really a technicality...

And what better way to celebrate a scientific breakthrough than with contemporary art?  Art's resident void-lover Anish Kapoor has expressed an interest to work with this new fancy material.  I think this seems like a natural fit considering:

Oracle

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Untitled A

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Void, 1989

Descent into Limbo B, 1992

Hole much?  

If you're like me then the first you thought of (besides a beautiful Nightmare of Infinite Wednesday Addams Ninjas) is that Vantablack would be perfect for Acme Portable Holes made famous by criminal masterminds like Roger Rabbit and Wile E. Coyote.

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And that's exactly what artist Tom Estes created in 2012 when he made his 'Portable Black Hole' using the darkest carbon nanotube material ever created at THAT time.

Honestly, I thought those tourists were a different art installation they are so perfect.

It absorbed .045% of all light. 

That poor scientist is like the guy on Price is Right whose bid becomes worthless after the asshole next to him bids $1 more.

No Showcase Showdown for you, sir.

I've heard nothing about what Kapoor is going to do but one million dollars says it's a hole and people will call it spiritual and a brilliant commentary on the future or it's "intended as a reminder of the multiple, idiosyncratic pockets of forgotten histories; of absence and the unseen and unrepresented; multiple conflicting realities that exist side by side with official or recorded 'histories.'"  Oh wait that's what someone said about Tom Estes' hole.

They shoulda just left it at a fun hybrid of science and toons because I feel like that might be more accurate in this case.

Interestingly enough, another artist is working with the 'blacker than black' concept. Frederick de Wilde is working with NASA on some different carbon nanotube technology.  No word on his percentages yet...

"Klein's first artwork was drawing in the blue sky, my dream is to draw in deep space."

Now this art scientist describes his work as being heavily influenced by the work of Kazimir Malevich (no idea) and his invention of Suprematism - the "supremacy of pure artistic feeling" - as well as Russian mystic-mathematician-philosophers (is there any other kind of mystic-mathematician-philosophers?), the idea of "going beyond zero," Stanley Kubrick, Yves Klein's blue, Anish Kappor (hey hey!) and a lot of other really smart talk on contemporary (nano) art.  There's no mention of a robot Dementor army in embryo form but the whole article is worth a read.

He says he views his "nano engineered macroscopic art pieces as spaces of refusal, but also as spaces of imagination."  Despite the next sentence being something about us living in a media-saturated environment (ugh. gag me with a spoon, I hear that shit every day) I'm feeling some things about this way more than that "pockets of forgotten histories" jackoff noise.

Spaces of refusal... I mean, gotdamn!

I don't know maybe sometimes black holes can change the perception of space and time or maybe sometimes they are cartoons or sometimes they are just delicious cups of strong coffee and all equally important depending on what time of day it is and how much of the latter I've had to drink.

Or maybe it's all the same and I'm an uncultured swine but irregardless let's get ready for a Large Hadron Collider wallpaper collection coming soon!

Fun factoid: when I visited Germany last January for a design conference several speakers talked about the emergence of 'darkness' as an upcoming trend.  (Think big global movement not 'barf, chevrons.')  More than just the color black they described it as an engineered 'tension' which sounds delightfully ominous and maybe why I'm so obsessed by this material.  

Also, the NYT reported that Donald Kaufman announced black as the color of the month for November (oh we're doing colors of the month now?) so maybe it's starting...!  

I find trend forecasting to be incredibly fascinating so this might be absolute bullshit to you and that's okay.   But next time you see a neo-goth-warrior-princess-from-the-future editorial in Korean Vogue or have a good cup of black coffee maybe it'll make you pause...

...and think about watching Roger Rabbit because that shit was good please RIP Bob Hoskins.

Spring has sprung and it's very flashy.

Hello, Spring!

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You fucking fuck.

The pollen count is about 2000 whatever-units-they-measure-pollen-in when it's supposed to be 15 so I've been laying on my couch in a pile of Kleenex.  It's almost like an angelic cloud of fluff until you realize the Kleenex are covered in snot but whatever.

I've been watching Sopranos all day and wishing Carmella Soprano would bring me some homemade soup.  Or this on a platter:

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It's the nose - you know I have a nose fetish.  But mostly I'm straight up loving some old-skool, Versace-looking, over-the-top Baroque shit from the '90s.  

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Particularly if you're wearing it with nothing but a leotard or panties.  Cassie (remember her?) is down with it.

Speaking of leotards:

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I used to drink the hatorade for her but now I'm Team Nicki forever.  Particularly when she's shooting some machine guns but maybe that's just me.

Linda in Chanel here

I'm not going to step out of the Ranch like this but any reason no matter how fantastical to put on more jewelry is ok by me.  Frankly, even if there isn't a reason I'm down for it.

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Linda's outfit above made me think of Pour It Up.  Lady hip hop stars probably work it best.  Sorry, Carmela Soprano.

A whole board of Carmela hair here!

So many great Carmela mom jeans with gold belts but I couldn't find any on the internet.  Guess we'll have to rely on models.

Chanel 1991 here

Chanel 1991 here

And, of course, the Queen:

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I don't think I have the restraint to not pile on hundred fifty-leven necklaces with this but I'm feeling it.  Or at least I am today with my snot-addled brain.

I would like to put on some silk shirts, lots of gold chains and get off this couch to go here:

Garden photography by Guy Hervais via The Style Saloniste

And also breath through my nose.  

Update:  After reading that Philip Johnson was a Nazi supporter last night I then learned (or did I know and had forgotten?) that Coco Chanel was also a Nazi sympathizer and just general terrible human being.  This really taints my gold chain addiction right now but the more you know. *shooting star*

This makes me exceedingly happy.

I'm actually busy this week with something I call "progress."  Progress means I've half painted some things in my bedroom, acquired a metric shit ton of beige fabric samples and watched the Lonesome Dove miniseries.  Perhaps *I* am a hermit crab??

Either way, please enjoy these real hermit crabs with their designer homes while I continue to make "progress."

Aki Inomata via Rhumboogie

Rad pank: colors for a dying summer star.

Every few months the heavens shift, the planets align and somewhere whales sing a special song of simultaneous joy and loneliness and I like pink for a brief period of our miserable time on earth.  

It's like Lacy in retrograde.

more here

Or maybe I'm just holding on to summer and refusing to let go.  This tapestry by Evelyn Ackerman titled Hot Summer Landscape is MY EVERYTHING right now.  

Every time I see a pumpkin sitting on a bale of hay I cringe.  I want to take a flamethrower to the infinite mum display at the front of every grocery store.

If we're keeping this cosmic metaphor, like a dying star I'm intensely fusioning (real scienze word) for bright, summery colors and will eventually burn myself out into an autumnal death.  But it's 85 degrees and I'm still groin-sweating through my pants when I'm mowing the grass so I've probably got a few more weeks left.

I'm burning hot for these Kate Spade earrings too which is sooo preppy of me.  I told you I was in retrograde.  Fortunately I'm not groin-sweating through anything when I'm online shopping so that's good to know.

OR AM I?!?!??!?!?

Jessica Helgerson

I think the key is that I gotta put some black with it.

Marja Inez

Or cats.  Cats are always good.

NG Collective print on Etsy

Or blobs.  Blobs are always good too.

Sorry, Marie...

Me.  Wearing makeup.

my Instagram

I actually have been going against my usual preference of looking as bland as humanly possible and wearing super bright lips.  Don't worry, the rest of me is still the Gap version of goth bland so it's kinda like I'm a walking funeral for my butterfly mouth.   

For my fellow makeup enthusiasts, I'm ADDICTED addicted to NYX.  It's candy for your lips.  I love every color and they smell like what cartoons rainbows would probably smell like and you can put that on your face.  They don't get sticky or bleed and are super cheap at Ulta and I'm now your candy facerainbow pusher.

But if you like painted canvases instead of painted faces I've also been enjoying all of MFAMB's paintings lately...

Jenny Andrews Anderson of MFAMB

She always has squee-worthy pank down in the Hotlanta.

Skeleton Clock III

Also check out my Twitter friend, fellow Tilda Swinton enthusiast and pink pimp Matthew Best.

One day I'll get around to buying so good art but until then...

my Instagram

PLANTS!   My track record with green things is... checkered... we'll say but I feel victim to the bromeliad's flashy center bits.  It was just sitting there whoring it up for me and I couldn't resist.  Also, it kinda matched my pink and orange shoes so I figure the Universe WANTED me to buy it.

If I kill it let's pretend this never happened.

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I was also momentarily seduced (remember, Lacy Sauce in retrograde) by these blossom thingies until a plant smart person (thanks @_emily_rose) told me even dummies can grow zinnias.  GUESS WHAT I'LL BE PLANTING NEXT SPRING, Y'ALL?!??!

That's right, lipstick plants.

Until then...

Chatelaine Magazine via Design Milk

...hot pink and orange pumpkins?!  I don't know how I feel about this but I'm putting this here for you.  Because I care about your front porches and seasonal tablescaping.

But I'm still thinking about bright furniture and summer plants so y'all just keep pinning those recipes for pumpkin spice sex lube and I'll be hanging out here...

Elle Interior Sweden

Carrying this.

Kinda Khalidy

And tablescaping like this:

Patrick Cline for Lonny

Just kidding I can't tablescape.  I just throw my mail in artful piles and call it a day.  Hhmm... maybe we need to talk about proper 'scaping soon because this dying star is clueless.

Prepare for pink dump...

via Little Green Notebook

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Thomas Jackson

James Welling

Yes all things gradient pink and orange please.

Erica Fae

ME. I wish.  But this IS my hot orange/red/pink lipstick life muse and I love everything about her and whatever brand of magic is going on this picture.  This shade of red/pink (heretofore known as rad pank) is where my heart is.  I think it might be the color of the year for 2015.  But maybe I'm talking crazy...

via YNG

Jay Stewart Photography

Or I'll take this and some freckles please and I think I'm having a girl crush moment...

Put some black on it.  And see the other amazing fashion illustrations by Daryl Feril here.

And if I'm not thinking about rad pank I've been completely consumed with this:

BigBadRobot Etsy print

I'm not ready for it to be over.  I'm still grieving and refuse to take off my Blue Sky-inspired nail polish.  I've been watching old episodes again - no shame.

Good thing that bromeliad was so cheap so I can spend some money on posters inspired by tv shows.  Am I really that person now?!

Who cares as long as my lipstick looks good.