Final Destination: The TJ Maxx in the sky.

Crystal Dawn Tonya Beavers, also known as Madame Sunday but not to be confused with the Ms. Chattavegas Watermelon Queen 1997 Tonya Dawn Crystal Beavers, passed away unexpectedly on January 3, 2011 at the age of 30.  She was the sometimes sober yet always saucy creator of the "content" for the blog of infinite wonders you are reading now.  She will be missed.  If not already forgotten.


After descending to the earth on moonbeams and angel wings she was then born by crawling out from under the rock and raised on white bread and contempt in the inbred hills of northwest Georgia.   There was school, more school, a different kind of education involving happy hours and craigslist before she finally settled into a career of designing pretty things.  Or ugly things depending on who you talk to.  The Madame was a member of a local book club, the Ace Hardware rewards program and was a regular attendee of Friday Night Margarita Showdown.  She enjoyed eating queso, reading, shopping at thrift stores and bitching about all sorts of things.

Authorities have been able to piece together the series of events that ultimately led to the tragedy.  Apparently in an attempt to recreate the wood stuffed firebox [shut up] pictured below,

here

the Madame was attempting to chop logs in the backyard using a rusty handsaw.  At some point several fingers met the business end of that handsaw either accidentally or perhaps in a weird attempt to recreate the final scenes from The Piano.  It appears that she attempted to reattach the appendages with some duct tape and gauze after pouring some 'tussin in it.  None of that seemed to work and Crystal Dawn was found passed out by the mailbox from lack of blood where a neighbor found her incoherently mumbling about when the latest issue of Domino magazine would be delivered.  On the way to the hospital the ambulance sadly crashed into a tree trying to avoid a band of stampeding Unicorns.  Madame Sunday, the sole survivor, crawled from the wreckage only to be impaled by a rogue Unicorn racing to catch up with the pack.  Bleeding, fingerless and glittery she crawled to find help which happened to be a nearby liquor store probably because of the internal homing device implanted several yeas ago.  However, in a desperate attempt to flag down the store clerk a display of boxed wine was toppled over and buried her beneath an avalanche of Franzia.  Several crews uncovered her to find her barely alive (and drunk) but on the way to the hospital for the second time that day she finally went home to be with Michael Jackson.  The autopsy revealed she did not in fact die from any injuries sustained during the day but from an overdose of toxic glue purchased at the Dollar General that was used for a recent at-home vajazzling attempt.  "She always was a cheap bastard" said friends who usually get stiffed on the bill on Friday Night Margarita Showdowns.


Madame Sunday is survived by a (now relieved) cat Charlemagne and every Sassy Gay Friend in the tri-state area.  Services will be held on Tuesday at the Fuji House for dollar sushi night so diners can also pay their respects.  There will be no graveside service as the Madame's ashes will be scattered in the parking lot of TJ Maxx.


In lieu of flowers the family asks that you send donations to the "Stop piling dirty spider-ridden dead pieces of wood around your house" fund.  


It's a sad day on the interwebs.  Go read all the other obituaries in the latest Let's Blog Off challenge.