Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Just me, helping you, be the best Madame you can be.

Attempting fabulosity is hard and an ongoing battle against haters and, well, your own laziness and inability to arrange flowers.  I have a few standout tools in my arsenal that have made this Madame's life like buttah.  Glittery buttah.


You can control me anytime Mario.
First off: THE FACE!  Despite most of my clothes coming from the clearance rack at the Gap Outlet (if I'm feeling fancy...) I can be a bit of a product whore sometimes.  Once a Madame hit 30 my skin went to a bad place.  A scary place.  A place of flakes and blotches and OMGwhatisgoingonhere?  At the advice of a friend of the Sauce who's an expert on girl things and after reading Door Sixteen's recommendation I started using Mario Badescu products. This shit is cheap and did things to my face I didn't think possible.  I feel I'll soon be not just any product whore but a whore for Mario.  The Madame gives this 4 out of 5 pizza rolls on the scale of fabulosity importance.

Now something I probably won't be doing any whoring for:

When you live in a shithole (with a fabulous kitchen!) things are always in various stages of decline.  My bathroom is a particularly scary place that I'll totally get to right after I finish moving back into the kitchen...  Specifically I need to replace all - ALL - of the caulk because it's so degraded I think I saw a mushroom growing out of it the other day.  Also, there are parts of it that stay black no matter HOW much I clean.  UNTIL I discovered the above product!  I was enticed by the "PENETRATOR" claim and let me tell you I'm a very satisfied Madame.  Spots that no amount of bleach, industrial oxiclean, an actual exorcism by the ghost of Billy Mays himself or large amounts of cussing would whiten were gone in a few seconds with zero labor on my part.  Granted, I now have cancer of the nostrils where I inhaled the fumes because this. shit. does. not. fuck. around. but my caulk is white again probably since the first time since 1985 so I think that's a fair trade. 4.5 pizza rolls.


I also strongly recommend getting one of these:
Technically you're on Wall Street Mr. Patrick Bateman but I don't care because you're pretty and I needed a picture of a man in a suit.  You might also need the cleaner above...
Being a Madame doesn't mean you have to be good at everything, it means you have to know how to find good people that can help you.  For instance, I may be awesome at mood boards but I suck at arranging tchotchkes in my house so I have gays that do that for me.  I kick ass but can't lift heavy furniture so I have strong gays that do that for me.  I'm a master of internet shopping but I dress from the Gap Outlet so I have stylish gays that help with that  (sometimes...  I don't like their judgey eyes!).   I can't weedeat my giant yard so I have a gay that does that for me.  (I pay that one.  I pay the others in hugs and with the honor of being in my presence.)  One area that I definitely need help with my retirement and financial stuffs.  I think this dude is straight.    I hate thinking about retirement because math is hard but I do not understand people my age that do not have a retirement plan.  Y'all.  Get on this!  So I've had a financial advisor since I was about 23 when all I had was $17 and a dream of not eating cat food when I turn 65 and together we're making that dream come true.  When I remember to return his phone calls...  So I'm a big promoter of getting yourself a financial plan other than your 401k and if you happen to find an advisor that looks like Christian Bale but doesn't act like Patrick Bateman then I might want to trade with you.  Unless he acts like Christian Bale too...  I give financial planning 4.9676768787 pizza rolls.


Now that my face, shower and portfolio are in order it's time to get all science-y.  I would say I'm a health conscious person but that's pretty much where it stays - in my head - because unfortunately the universe was constructed in a way where all of your body's nutritional needs are not met with quesadillas, red wine and dark chocolate.  As a Virgo I know everything about everything particularly as it relates to health but, also as a Virgo, I'm a hypocritical harpie so I like to lecture other people about what they should do while doing the exact same thing.  "You know that Diet Coke is nothing but chemicals that will take you straight to the grave right? *sprays fake cheese in mouth*  "And don't forget your vitamins!"  *pops a gummi bear*  But this time I'm leading by example and giving you helpful - not harpie - info.  Especially for the LAAAADIEEEEES!!  After a recent trip to the doctor it turns out I was dangerously low on my vitamin D levels.  


This is the new ModernSauce font.
I wasn't experiencing any symptoms like feeling abnormally tired so the tests were just a precaution since low levels of Vitamin D are pretty common now.  However once the results came back they called in an emergency prescription that day and wondered how I was even functioning.  I exist solely on the fumes of fabulosity and glitternaise sandwiches of course!  Normal levels should be anywhere from 40-80 [insert whatever unit of measurement they use] and mine was a 12.  A fucking 12.  I guess the glow from my computer is NOT a replacement for the sun like I thought...  


I look like this by necessity.
Since the sun is my arch nemesis and ruins my delicate angel skin within about 20 minutes it makes outdoor activities a pain in the ass without SPF 240+.  That spf will - I know from experience - take off your nail polish but it's the only way I can step on a beach or mow the grass.  Or walk from my car to my front door in August.  I may not die of skin cancer but I'll probably die of sunscreen poisoning.


So after just a few doses of enough Vitamin D to possibly kill a small horse (if such a thing were possible) I feel a jizzillion times better.  I wasn't complaining of being tired before because I'd forgotten what it was like to NOT feel the bone weary, emotional roller coaster of doom and dark pissypants attitude that I had.  It was just my new normal!  Possibly it's your normal too.  So ladies you need to have your Vitamin D checked regardless of how you feel.  It happened to me and several of my friends and it can happen to YOU!  *sprays fake cheese in mouth*  I give it 12 out of 5 pizza rolls because OMIGAWD I FEEL SO GOOD NOW!  SQUEEEE!

15 comments:

  1. I'm so getting penetrated. By Windex, I mean.

    Thanks for that tip!

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  2. I'm sure Windex wouldn't mind if you brought someone new home every now and then to spice things up...

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  3. My grout thanks you. Thank you!

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  4. Get it, girl! Might need a mask, too. And good ventilation... This stuff is STRONG!

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  5. OMG, where have you been all of my life???

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  6. you blog makes my week.

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  7. Coach Rhonda!!! Long time no see! Thanks for stopping by - wishing you glowing skin, sparkling grout and a sexy manfriend to handle your biznass. ; )

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  8. You make abscess albinos and scrubbing ancient mold sexy. You rock Madame.

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  9. Albino in the centerfold...

    Thanks, Emily!

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  10. Can I mix Mario's cream with the Penetrator stuff and then have clean, silky skin that is so white I'll have to cover my face with a Lady Gaga red net thingie just to avoid sunburn and making all my friends jealous? That would be some serious multi-tasking!

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  11. I like how you think! That stuff might penetrate your brain but the things us lady people do for our beauty...

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  12. I swear, you are describing my bathroom, which will be our second remodel project as well. I've found that the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (bath scrubber version) works, well, like magic. (Who knew, it ISNT false advertising for once!) It is really good for getting the soap scum and odd colors out of the tub/tile grout, but for the caulk, I think I might try your cancer-causing solution. (be aware that the magic erasers can take off paint in some instances so test first; its that magical.) Oh, and it doesn't smell like chemicals at all...odorless cancer to the rescue!

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  13. We'll have to be moral support for each other during the bathroom reno process too! I've had varied success with the Magic Eraser but I didn't know they made a bathroom version! I have a lot of tile so that is awesome!! Thanks for the tip, yo!

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