Monday, April 4, 2011

Everything but the kitchen sink... Part B

We ain't done yet!!  We're still on the gravy train from yesterday and you can't get off!  I'm not sure I know what a gravy train actually is but it sounds delicious and I will absolutely make gravy in my new kitchen as soon as I have, you know, power and water and stuff.

So here's some more design decisions I've been forced to make lately...

Appliance-y thingies:
I'm not updating any of my major appliances because as much as I'd like to think I shit glitter and money it doesn't happen.  My stove and fridge aren't even stainless steel *GASP* but since they work I don't see a need to replace them.  It's the ultimate in "green" design.  However, I want a counter depth fridge so bad I will most likely resort to shameful behavior to get some bank in order to buy one this summer.  Or fall depending on how much my "morals" get in the way of me getting the stuff I want.  

But I do have to get a new microwave.  

So help me gawd if you don't fit...
This has become the bane of my existence.  It will mount into the cabinets like you see in the earlier renderings and will look all sleek and fancy with a trim kit.  Too bad no one in the tri-state area sells microwaves with trim kits and finding a model online with decent reviews and easily understood specs has regretably become my new hobby.  Hey Madame, wanna go out for Mexican tonight?  Thanks but I've got to spend countless hours this Friday night pouring over microwave installation manuals and decoding model numbers to stupid appliances that I will most likely only use to soften cream cheese and melt butter but maybe next year!  I've already bought and returned one microwave and its "coordinating" trim kit because it most certainly did not "coordinate" with the size it stated online.  This time I found another option and because Nick knows his cabinets better than me I asked him to confirm with the manufacturer that it would work.  Threats were made and a customer service may have cried but the appropriate microwave and trim kit were ordered.  Thanks Nick!

I also had to buy a range hood. 
The Arietta Toscana.  I got mine on ebay for $100 off.  Suck it Home Depot.
I would have been begrudgingly okay with the microwave-over-the-stove combo because that's what everyone in my neighborhood has and it's pretty standard for this type of remodel.  Until I saw the fancy plans!  This one's all sleek and rectangularly sexy and rectangularly sexy is EXACTLY the theme of my kitchen.  I don't know anything about buying range hoods but you have to calculate the sucking action (CFM) against the noise action (sones) - this helped because I have no fucking clue - a week of math, comparing prices, math, math... oh look!  This one's on sale!  SOLD!!

And I couldn't forget this!
Whoa, Madame.  Try not to overwhelm me with the glamtastic rainbow of awesomeness going in your kitchen.  I know, try to contain your jubilation.  Even though I compost I really REALLY miss having a garbage disposal.  Normally I like to compare up to three models of something for reviews and features but I sooo could not give a flying rat's ass right now.  I just bought the one Nick said.  Done.  

At this point all the little things are starting to add up to a mountain of epic minutiae that I don't care about even though I'm a bit neurotic and DO care about it immensely if they are wrong.  Things like what I want my baseboards to look like, the shape of my outlets, omigawd my outlet covers...???!!  Good gawd I didn't research slick and cutting edge outlet covers!!!!  What am I going to do????!!!  Awww fuck it.  THIS is why I'm not a real Interior Designer because I hated specifying things like this.  People who do that for a living are saints who deserve tons and tons of money.  Money that I don't have to give them but OTHER people that have money should definitely give it to them.  I want to draw and color and compose mood boards and look at cabinets and tile all day tra-li-la-li-la because those are the things that dreams are made of.  That and unicorn rides through a waterfall.

Color-y things:
So here's the thing that really interests me - PAINT!!

Your subtlety is pure sex.  Unassuming, white sex.  It's not even vanilla sex because vanilla has too much color.
No it's NOT just white!!!!  It's Benjamin Moore's Soft Chamois.  I wanted something that would read like a non-color.  Other than shiny, non-color is my favorite color.  I tried up to but not exceeding twelve color samples because more than that would be crazy.  You might think this is a Guinness record of some kind but it's about usual for around here at the Ranch.  I have terrible commitment issues with paint because the wrong color will mean I will die a little each day when I look at it.  Yes it's just. that. dramatic.  White is hard and I'm not the only one who feels that way - too grey and I'm cooking pizza rolls in a tomb, too yellow and it's like a gawddamned "Tuscan" kitchen, too blue and it's icy like the Fortress of Solitude (although... ), too red and I'm living in a whorehouse.  Paint can be such a slut.  Soft chamois is perfect - grey enough that it feels crisp enough to match all the stainless steel but with an undertone of green warmth to compliment the wood counters. 

That's the kind of stuff that gets me off.  Under cabinet lighting and garbage disposals need to keep on walkin because I'm not interested in what they have to offer.  

Unless maybe it's a ticket on the gravy train to the Fortress of Solitude because I'd be down for that.


  1. I want to marry your stove hood. It's a sessy beast!

  2. Knock yourself out girl! I'm busy making sweet love to my sink still so we can share.

  3. Hahaha! Appliance specs are the bane of my existence. The small print alone should be outlawed.

    You're not alone in not finding disposals and the minute details fun.The sexy stuff is easy -- we have to be the cheerleaders for the unsexy. Oh woe. ;)

  4. Gawd bless you forever and always designer person who deserves lots of money for handling all the soul-crushing unsexy details!! You deserve a raise!

    Thanks Kelly. ; )

  5. Is it wrong I prefer the un-sexy stuff? Although, that hood ... Gawd-DAM!

  6. No it's not wrong - it's so so RIGHT! The world needs more people like you because there's plenty of lazy bitches like me. ; )

  7. I love the range hood! It is a sexy range hood. I can't wait to see the finished product! I know that you are going to be so glad when all of this is finished.

    Brenda Lynn

  8. Oh Madame, I remember when this whole business started. You were so full of hope and enthusiasm back then. The world was your oyster and anything you could dream was possible.

    Now that you're in the end zone (don't you love the butch, football allusion?) what pearls of wisdom would you cast before the swine of the great unwashed? What Life Lessons can you share now that you're reaching the end of your project? If you had it to do all over again, what would you do differently?

  9. Paul I almost didn't recognize you when you made that football reference! Since I'm still 'in process' I saving all my pearls til the very end and had already planned to do a post about things I learned and also a post with Nick about working with a designer... feel free to give me ideas or prod me! The delays and setbacks we've had are pretty minor in the grand scheme of things and I wouldn't really do anything different per se except maybe the I way I communicated what I wanted... That was easy with Nick but not the other dudes I worked with. ;)

  10. The hood, and the sink are strong enough details to offset any appliances that you're keeping.

    Too bad "my store" wasn't "with it" yesterday. You snooze, you lose I guess :)


  11. Good answer. Welcome to the real world of kitchen remodeling where everything isn't done at one time!

    Your store really needs to have a madame discount of like 90% or something. That would really make my life easier!

    GET ON THIS IZZY!! ; )

  12. Someday I will have Bob Borson design a house and hire Madame Sauce to create a kitchen worthy of kings, which I will use to heat up ramen noodels, in style.

    You asked, on your Tweet, what you will write about when you are done. I have the answer. You could blog about the trials and tribulations of publishing the 'Saucy Kitchen Remodle: The untold story', which I see as a collection of blogs and, as of yet unwritten, haikus about applieance and paint color love.

    I will help you get it ready for Kindle. :-)

  13. I'd be happy to help with your King Kitchen but I'd have to bring Nick because I can't do another one of these without him!

    Poetic shorts and haikus will be an excellent choice! Perhaps I'll throw in a few dirty limericks just to be safe. ; )

  14. I was dying laughing over the PAINT. Paint chips are a beautiful, beautiful thing, but that never stops me from finally deciding on some version of white. Not just any white always comes down to my husband threatening not to finish the job unless I CHOOSE ALREADY. I would love to see what you could do with my all-wood (floors, walls, ceilings) house. I give up on all this brownness.

  15. Welcome to the Sauce Julie! Glad to know I'm not the only one with paint issues. This stuff is HARD!! Your all wood house sounds intriguing... do you have pics?! You could hang giant white canvases as "art" over some of the walls. It'll make you look minimal and super chic to all your friends. Or possibly like an snotty art snob... but less brown?! ; )

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