The lamest giveaway in the history of the internets.

Hey Madame, weren't you, like, remodeling a kitchen of amazing awesomeness just a few weeks ago?  Yeah, yeah, yeah...  We're like 95% done but still waiting on a few details to arrive.  Apparently these special items are located in Mordor and require a mythical journey of warehouse pickers to find the only microwave trim kit that fits my cabinet in all of middle earth.  Paying for expedited shipping doesn't apply to how fast this magical journey takes, only how fast the UPS man drives once they find my special part.  Good to know.   I think we will be done - for serious done - at the end of this week.  SQUUEEEEE!  


So at the end of this process I'll get a shiny new kitchen (and a few love burns from all the mad sink love that's been going down) but what do you get, dear reader, other than a sore neck from watching this trainwreck?  It's time for me to give back!!!  Because I'm a giver.  Of things.  To you.


Specifically this:

click on images for hot up-close wood action

No, it's not trash.  Well not really...  It's an 8 foot section of butcher block counter all chopped up into varying pieces.  You may remember its brief role in the countertop debacle of 2011.  So now that I have a new countertop I have no idea what to do with all this old wood.  My contractor has already made me two cutting boards, I've set aside a couple for gifts and hopefully to pay bills with (Nick, what was your address again?) and I still have about a thousand pounds of wood just laying around.  It's a shame to let all that sessy wood go to waste.  So I'm giving it to YOU!!!

For everyone who wanted a full picture of Charlemagne there ya go.  This post is full of giving!  Giving is the new winning.

It's wo-oood, wo-oood, it's better than bad it's good!!  Even Charlemagne can't get enough!  Also, she's an attention whore when the camera comes out.  So I'm giving away one free piece of wood to one of you fabulous readers do with as you please!!  Have you ever seen this kind of lameness generosity before??!!  Surely the Make-A-Wish Foundation will be calling me shortly to make other dreams come true...  All you have to do is leave a comment below (isn't that how these things are done?) and let me know you want it and I'll use one of those random number generator thingies or possibly a hat with some numbers written on post-its inside and pick someone.  You don't have to tweet it or subscribe or donate to a charity (although that's just nice anyway) because that ain't this kind of blog.  It's the kind of blog where I give you things out of my trash pile.  

But it's a sexy 1 1/4 inch thick piece of wood trash in a trapezoid shape for all your contemporary kitchen displays of geometry or a skinny piece to chop one carrot at a time on.  Big pieces, small pieces, whichever one you want.  You tell ME how to make your woody dreams come true.   Use it as a cutting board or door stop or use it as a giant plate and pretend you're a caveman when you eat dinner.  You can read tarot cards on it or use it as a stage to enact your miniature civil war reenactments with your toy soldiers or carve my avatar on it to hang in your house, WHATEVER.  I don't judge what you creepy ass stalkers do in your spare time.  What I will do is hug it tight and give it as much fabulosity by osmosis as possible and then package it lovingly in old newspapers and a shoebox and send it your way.   Fuck, I'll even sign it if either of us are actually that lame. 

Seriously, my back patio needs to be cleaned off and y'all better leave a comment even out of pity so I can get this mess out of here.  

And for all you losers who don't get a giant slab of wood here's a kitchen teaser!

Venuto is in its home at last. 

Mwahahahaha!

(pssst...  don't tell the winner but I'll totally send y'all pieces of wood too - seriously, these are nice cutting boards if you sand the corners a bit - but I can't pay for all the shipping because this wood weighs a ton and I think we've already established I don't shit glitter or money but we can work something out.  It's better than bad, it's meh.)