Sunday, April 17, 2011

The lamest giveaway in the history of the internets.

Hey Madame, weren't you, like, remodeling a kitchen of amazing awesomeness just a few weeks ago?  Yeah, yeah, yeah...  We're like 95% done but still waiting on a few details to arrive.  Apparently these special items are located in Mordor and require a mythical journey of warehouse pickers to find the only microwave trim kit that fits my cabinet in all of middle earth.  Paying for expedited shipping doesn't apply to how fast this magical journey takes, only how fast the UPS man drives once they find my special part.  Good to know.   I think we will be done - for serious done - at the end of this week.  SQUUEEEEE!  

So at the end of this process I'll get a shiny new kitchen (and a few love burns from all the mad sink love that's been going down) but what do you get, dear reader, other than a sore neck from watching this trainwreck?  It's time for me to give back!!!  Because I'm a giver.  Of things.  To you.

Specifically this:

click on images for hot up-close wood action
No, it's not trash.  Well not really...  It's an 8 foot section of butcher block counter all chopped up into varying pieces.  You may remember its brief role in the countertop debacle of 2011.  So now that I have a new countertop I have no idea what to do with all this old wood.  My contractor has already made me two cutting boards, I've set aside a couple for gifts and hopefully to pay bills with (Nick, what was your address again?) and I still have about a thousand pounds of wood just laying around.  It's a shame to let all that sessy wood go to waste.  So I'm giving it to YOU!!!

For everyone who wanted a full picture of Charlemagne there ya go.  This post is full of giving!  Giving is the new winning.
It's wo-oood, wo-oood, it's better than bad it's good!!  Even Charlemagne can't get enough!  Also, she's an attention whore when the camera comes out.  So I'm giving away one free piece of wood to one of you fabulous readers do with as you please!!  Have you ever seen this kind of lameness generosity before??!!  Surely the Make-A-Wish Foundation will be calling me shortly to make other dreams come true...  All you have to do is leave a comment below (isn't that how these things are done?) and let me know you want it and I'll use one of those random number generator thingies or possibly a hat with some numbers written on post-its inside and pick someone.  You don't have to tweet it or subscribe or donate to a charity (although that's just nice anyway) because that ain't this kind of blog.  It's the kind of blog where I give you things out of my trash pile.  

But it's a sexy 1 1/4 inch thick piece of wood trash in a trapezoid shape for all your contemporary kitchen displays of geometry or a skinny piece to chop one carrot at a time on.  Big pieces, small pieces, whichever one you want.  You tell ME how to make your woody dreams come true.   Use it as a cutting board or door stop or use it as a giant plate and pretend you're a caveman when you eat dinner.  You can read tarot cards on it or use it as a stage to enact your miniature civil war reenactments with your toy soldiers or carve my avatar on it to hang in your house, WHATEVER.  I don't judge what you creepy ass stalkers do in your spare time.  What I will do is hug it tight and give it as much fabulosity by osmosis as possible and then package it lovingly in old newspapers and a shoebox and send it your way.   Fuck, I'll even sign it if either of us are actually that lame. 

Seriously, my back patio needs to be cleaned off and y'all better leave a comment even out of pity so I can get this mess out of here.  

And for all you losers who don't get a giant slab of wood here's a kitchen teaser!
Venuto is in its home at last. 

(pssst...  don't tell the winner but I'll totally send y'all pieces of wood too - seriously, these are nice cutting boards if you sand the corners a bit - but I can't pay for all the shipping because this wood weighs a ton and I think we've already established I don't shit glitter or money but we can work something out.  It's better than bad, it's meh.)


  1. Hehehe! You and I will just have to meet half way between where the two of us live and have lunch one day. Hey we could meet at the Unclaimed Baggage Store in Scottsboro, then do lunch. So yes, I want one of your fabulous chunks fo wood...

    Brenda Lynn

  2. This post made my night! It's not only funny, it is actually a fantastic idea. Sorry to inform you that it isn't lame at all. Why not give away perfectly good things that we may not be able to use, but someone else can? Maybe someone who is handy with woodworking can make something fantastic from your leftovers, and pay it forward by giving what they make away on their blog. You could start a trend!

  3. LOL - I don't know, I sense a big shipping & handling charge for all this free wood...

    Glad to hear your kitchen is almost there & here is hoping the part ordered from Mordor is actually the right color, or size, or

  4. I assume that I can't enter - probably US residents only. Besides, you'd have to turn tricks in that fancy new kitchen to pay for shipping a la Suisse. AND, the Swiss customs fees and import duties would cost me a fortune. This is starting to become an expensive cutting board...

    On second thought, sign me up and if [when] I win, send my prize to Paul Ryan. He seems to want to cut lots of things -- like Medicare and Social Security -- so I assume he could use a good cutting board. And a conscience. Can you send him one of those?

  5. Brenda - with the way gas prices are going these days UPS is cheaper than hand delivery!

    The Fine Life - cool! With your approval I'm going to start giving away all kinds of crap around my house! Then I'll make people send me pictures of it in their homes - pay it forward is what I and Kevin Spacey always say!

    Sean - yeah, I'm hoping that too! And I really hope the winner doesn't live in Alaska b/c otherwise I'm fucked.

    speaking of faraway places...

    David - I forgot to type US residents only in the fine print so you got me there. Maybe if you win I'll send you a picture of the wood or something - it'd be the least I could do... I certainly don't have any conscience to spare around here but I do have a foot I could send him and instructions on how to insert it in his ass.

  6. Wow, that's pretty lame! You know, Earth Day is this coming Thursday. Maybe you could capitalize on this give away by announcing how you saved the planet by shipping butcher block remnants to information super-highway hobos living way outta town. Or something! :-)

  7. John - what has the Earth done for me lately??! Hobos on the other hand are loyal readers and I ALWAYS support my readers! ; )

  8. In my neighborhood all I have to do is put whatever I want to get rid of out by the curb. We have bets how long it will sit there. A rolled up piece of astroturf that I immediately pulled up upon moving into the house was gone in less than 10 mins. How about Craig's list or Freecycle?

  9. Ginny - I totally do that with the big things! I'll probably craiglist the leftovers if no one else wants them I just wanted to give my loverly readers a little piece of the MS Ranch! However self-centered that sounds...

  10. 1. Forging trim kit's in the fires of Mt. Doom takes time MS!

    2. Is it great as a snack? Will it sit on my back?!?

    3. Make sure you save a few CT scraps to give away for Shaven Yak Day. It'd go nicely with the shaving scum.

    Digging your two obscure references :)

  11. 1. I'm so impatient!!!!

    2. maybe. Yes!

    3. ahahahaha! I also shouldn't forget to have some set aside for Powdered Toast Man.

    Sadly, I didn't try for any of these references this is just how I think...!

  12. I hunted all night and couldn't find your back patio so I'm leaving my pity comment here instead. Since my house already has an extensive white trash section (also known as "great things for future projects"), I don't feel the need to add to the pile of stuff by the barn just awaiting a sander. But....I do hope Brenda wins. Make sure you stuff the package with glitternaise so the wood will be nicely treated.

  13. i'm drooling over your teaser picture. :| i also want to put dibs in on a wood scrap. no shipping required.

  14. AFF - was that you in the bushes last night? I couldn't tell if it was a person or a raccoon... I appreciate your pity comment though and will take extra good care of the wood that the lucky winner will receive. Extra sauce and glitternaise fo sho.

    Hollie - girl just git yo azz on over to the Ranch and pick you up one! We got plenty to go around for locals.

  15. So now you tease me with the hotness of your faucet? I hope this faucet envy doesn't leave me with depression. If it does, I'll send you my tears in an envelope. Free. lol

  16. When you're a blogger you lean on other bloggers for support or for them to rub your nose in something. You're welcome.

  17. Solid wood countertops or butchers block surfaces are generally excellent throughout beauty and also operate. This specific counter-top is normally created from challenging good ole’ maple as well as walnut that offers enjoyable glow for you to just about any kitchen.

  18. OK so since I am already going to make a special trip to the ranch the next time I make a special trip to the ATL (see H&M is coming to denver so my excuse are running thin) there had better be a butcher block for me :) based on size I might be able to pack it in a carry on, or you could bring me one when you decide to take a trip to the mtns. Cause we should save on shipping.

  19. Deal! I've got plenty still! I can't even give this stuff away! ; )