Tuesday, September 20, 2011

A glamorous vacation befitting a Madame. On a stick.

That's what I'm talkin bout, Denver.
After too many cocktails consumed and never enough city blocks walked (or is that the other way around?), I have returned to the Ranch after my adventure in fabulosity to Denver!  

Well almost... this post began at a Grey Goose Martini Lounge in the Detroit airport.  It was a circuitous route home.  

But for the sake of continuity let's just say I'm at home lounging on my couch and the "chef" at the GG Martini Lounge didn't just tell me he made my overpriced panini with love.  I hope it was the spiritual kind and not the penis kind.

Sigh...  I love traveling. *sips overpriced dirty martini hopefully not made with love and cursing my stupidity for ordering so much salt which my ankles will certainly thank me for in a few hours*  

Walking bridge over somewhere that's named something designed by someone...
Most normal people like to vacation by going to the beach and doing nothing or hanging out in a cabin and doing nothing but not me!  Being lazy is already my way of life so when I vacation I want to do shit UP.  (spoiler alert: I don't do shit UP anywhere)  

Living in the bumfuck buckle of the bible belt (say that three times fast) makes me reeeaaally want to see a city where hanging out in the parking lot of Applebee's isn't considered a rousing Friday night.  And a real city too, not like Atlanta which is just a clusterfuck of neighborhoods and makes urban planners want to commit mass suicide Heaven's Gate style.

Insert super fantastic friend with a couch just waiting for my sleep smell to get all up on it!  

By sleep smell I mean glitter of course.  

That smells like my armpit.  

Which smells FABULOUS!!!!!!  Don't ever think otherwise.

Click to make pics bigger because I know you want to see mortuary goodness up close.
I like Denver - you can be as glamorous or as hippie as you want.  Or even AT THE SAME TIME.  It's a beautiful city, the people are super nice (probably because they're high all the time) and no one made condescending remarks about my accent.   

I felt like a real urban dweller when I could look out the window and see shopping and bars and restaurants and not the Baptist parade that normally runs down my street.  You spoil me, Big City, with your super liberals and modern conveniences.  One day I will get to live with you and we will have a deliciously salacious long term affair.  Until then it's these brief encounters that leave us both wanting more.

I had no agenda other than walking around in the city, maybe walking around outside the city, maybe laying in a park and reading a book in or out of the city all in between the most important thing which was eating and drinking my way around the city.  Boom.  Done.  

*insert night picture to indicate partying is getting ready to take place place*  
Is this what a real city looks like at night???!

I can't show any of those partying pictures so use this lame substitute I don't even remember taking for the happy hour hopping montage that's playing in my head right now.  

Except this one because I'm the loser tourist who goes to a bar and takes pictures of the light fixtures.

But I also did things outside of bars and restaurants.  You have to do something before 3 pm (that's not brunch).  So we got our cultured smart on and visited the contemporary art museum.
Looks saucy!

Yarn art by Fred Sandback

Guess which art I paid money to see and which art I found for free in an alley?!

Unfortunately, due to weather I didn't get to go outside of the city and get my Rocky Mountain goodness on.  I was rather ok with this since I just saw 127 Hours the day before I left and I had to admit to myself that even though I could totally saw through my pasty angel skin, I could not break my own bones should I get in a sticky situation.  A sticky situation at Buffalo Bill's grave and gift shop which is probably the only kind of roughing it on top of a mountain I can handle.  

And I already did that on my last visit.

But on top of the art museum there was this:
This totally counts as roughing it, right?!

It's pointy just like the Rockies! 

This could be in the mountains - you don't know!!

Ok, yeah... no mountains.

Just in case you are intimidated by the fabulosity of sleeping on a couch, bar photos, farmer's markets, brunching and art museum cavorting I assure you my whole trip wasn't so glamorous.  

Because I'm a nerd I also did nerd things on vacation like help my historic preservationist host document endangered buildings around the city.  But not just any historic buildings - THESE historic buildings!
Well hello, former convenience store chain known as Big Top Circus now home to Asian markets, dry cleaners and multiple Cricket phone and lotto centers around the city.  Be still my heart!  I must be easily amused because I had a pretty awesome day driving around to every ghetto in the city finding these suckers.  

But wait - it gets better!  

And by better I mean worse.  Much, much worse.
Sweet baby jeebus in the manger, that's glass blocks AND an oak door!  We need a Jerry Lewis/Madame Sunday telethon to save this retro fabulosity from shitty remodels.

 I seriously couldn't get enough of these guys.  

Slightly obsessed with the tips of these beams...

I didn't Photoshop that - that's what the sky looked like.  Also, I don't know how.
You didn't want to see any more pictures of the city did you?  Good because I didn't document half of what we did but I took 1200 pictures of these.  Normal, right?

Ok just one more...
It's a BIRD!!!!!

I'm done.  I swear.

But this trip wasn't all about Asian ghettos and yarn art, it was educational too.  I learned there is a beer on this planet I enjoy, Ben and Jerry's new ice cream flavor is Shweddy Balls (I shit you not - someone please buy it!) and according to Tam, our Vietnamese redneck sushi chef from Wichita, KS who liked to frequent Denver's finest strip clubs, sea urchin will make you horny.  

Well, just the dudes - apparently all it takes for the ladies is a hot guy, so says Tam.  I think Tam has it backwards...  But we'd all been drinking sake together at this point so maybe I'm the one who got it backwards. 

But even though I'm home the party ain't over yet.  Wednesday the 21st is my birthday which means I'm just going to keep on partying Denver style through the weekend.  Hell, I may do it the rest of the month.  

Kanpai, y'all!


  1. Looks like you had a great time! How many of those Big Top Circus buildings did you visit?

  2. I did have a pretty badass time! I think we saw about 7 of those architectural wonders - there used to be 17 I think but most have been torn down. Sad face.

  3. Happy birthday Madame! My closet sized NYC apartment doesn't have a couch — it will not fit through the door, straight up. Or sideways — but I've been known to give up the bed for worthy visitors and camp out elsewhere. Just saying.

    And Tam is a total redneck. Uni doesn't make the boys horny, eel does! Was Tam a dude? Can't trust the Viet Cong.

  4. Thank you, Emily! I think we should form a ModSauce couch (or bed) surfing network for cheapos like us. Just saying...

    Yep Tam was a dude. A horny one. Honestly, I thought it was Unagi too but I'm not the horny expert. Or AM I?????!!!!!

  5. Until we build a network that befits our demands, there is always couchsurfing.com. My friend did it through Russia but was too drunk on vodka to remember how it really went.

  6. If you're going to couch surf through Russia I think being drunk is the best/only way to go.

  7. OK so the Mortuary is now a bar and at night the "O" is turned off on the sign and its now Lingers, which is the name of said bar.

    Oh and there are more Big Tops in Denver that we missed. Will have to take pictures. Might have to dust off my blog and post more info on the Big Tops for ya (and the pics that I took from your phone weekend)

  8. Oooh next time we need to go to that bar and drink with the ghosts that are no doubt there!

    Yes - I will need to see all the Big tops we missed and great detail! The internet misses your blog... ; )

  9. eToro is the ultimate forex broker for rookie and pro traders.