Thursday, December 22, 2011

I like to go BUCK WILD for the holidays.

CHRISTMAS!  It's the most sauciest time of the year!  Can't you just feel the sharp pang of glitter rubbing into every crevice of your body after all that gift wrapping?!  Ahhh.... Sink into it.  That's the feeling of love for your fellow human beings.  I've heard people say that the more it hurts, the more you love.

I'm kidding.  I've never heard anybody say that.  I just made it up but it sounds kinda right, huh?

It is no secret I love (unapologetically and non-painfully) the holidays.  It includes all my favorite things - glitter, twinkling things, boxes of secrets under plastic trees, disgustingly beautiful displays of tackiness, my grandmother's date pinwheel cookies, making people smile, more glittery things and all of it wrapped up with that sense of impending doom you just can't shake.

*twirling in delight*

I don't know why people hate Christmas so much.  I just ignore the parts of the holiday that I don't enjoy like when people crush up candy canes and put them on brownies or try to talk about the real meaning of the holiday.  Gross. 

I've been busy not blogging lately because I've actually been enjoying the season in real life and not just living out my wrapping paper fantasies on Pinterest.  Well, not too much...  

I've been doing lots of super fun things like driving all over the the tri-state area to find the most perfect ribbon ever to match this one tiny sheet of wrapping paper I have, eating cake for breakfast and singing/crying to Christmas songs when I'm alone in the car driving all over the tri-state area.

I also set aside about four minutes to craft some holiday decor for the dining room.
I detect a definite lack of glitter here...
I know what you're thinking - HOW WERE YOU ABLE TO CREATE SUCH A MASTERPIECE???!!?!?!  Or maybe, why...? 

Well, dear inquisitive reader, these little birds I bought for about 50 cents each at World Market a few years ago and felt they needed their own place.

That place being a dead branch I made someone crawl around in a dark forest to find for me.  I believe it's called upcycling, y'all.  

In case you were confused on how to construct this feat of engineering.

I'm not sure if this will make a reappearance next year but sometimes I just get a wild hair and I must CREATE!

I also had to get creative because I lost the box that stored my stocking holders and Charlemagne was adamant that her stocking be put up.

So we had to improvise and use these vintage Dansk candle holders that were laying around.  She said that would be ok.

I couldn't be bothered to actually decorate the rest of the mantle because I was so busy putting birds on a dead branch.  Maybe I'll get around to hauling out the 30 feet of mantle garland next year...  I'm not exaggerating, it's 30 feet.  I should start working on it in October if I actually want it done by Christmas.

But I did manage to get some gifts wrapped!  Squee!

Ribbon not styled, the table was just messy...

 I'm a huge believer of twine and raffia especially for dude gifts.  However, twine smells like it was soaked in gasoline prior to packaging so I might suggest letting it air out for a bit or spraying it with Axe body spray.  Because it's for a dude.  But I'm pretty sure the ladies like it too so you could be safe for anyone.

There were a few other glittery baubles strewn about the house but they aren't as exciting as what I stare at every night.
More singing and crying...  Looks better in person.
Obviously I believe in big traditional fake trees (but not so much in proper night photography...).  I also tell myself I'll do a more modern-looking tree every year but fuck it.  I have no self control when it comes to the holidays and rather enjoy it that way.  Leaving a shiny ornament in a dark storage box is like leaving an adorable puppy in a cage at the pound to die.  You'd have to have a lump of coal where your heart is!  Obviously my heart is made of rainbows and cake icing.  (Sticky and sweet?)   

I'll probably get a real tree one year but for now the fake ones do quite nice.  Particularly because I actually put my tree up the weekend before Thanksgiving this year and that's a long ass time for a real tree to look perfect.  This may make me sound like a crazy person but I assure you it left my entire Thanksgiving holiday free to eat, spend time with family and plan the bird/twig/vase thing.

I needed a lot of time and pie for that one...  I'll draw you diagram if you want to attempt one for next year.

I hope y'all have a holiday that is full of as much or as little glitter as your prefer.  And by glitter I mean cake for breakfast of course...

It helps to make your heart sticky and sweet for 2012.


  1. Lol, very 'sweet' post, screw it , I liked it, dead branch and all!
    Merry Christmas!

  2. "I've heard people say that the more it hurts, the more you love" and
    "Obviously I believe in big traditional fake trees (but not so much in proper night photography...." Just killed me from laughter. :-) Merry xxx-mas

    (that was CHRISTmas, don't get the wrong idea all of you Modern Sauce readers) ;-)

  3. Dionne - Dead branches, FTW! Merry Christmas to you too!

    Evolving Critic - Oh don't worry. They hear me make fun of jeezus all the time and are cool with it. We all get along around here! As long as they continue to think I'm funny...

    Merry Glittermas!

  4. The gasoline smell of the twine would makes the dude gift MORE masculine no? You could attach spent welding rods for extra decoration. Maybe even swap out the decorative paper with grungy burlap.

    Actually, the coolest gift wrap I've ever used I made myself by running a sheet of paper through a Xerox machine with the cover left open. The "ribbon" was made of black photographers tape. Hmmm...I think I may have already told you this story!?

    Oh well, Happy Haulidays just the same.


  5. Your Royal Sauceliness -- By looking at your images, and of course that means by "ADMIRING" them, I am sure you spent at least 5 minutes on the craft project. Why shortchange yourself in the holiday season? Kymberly

  6. Izzy - Too true. I forgot to think like a dude. I could also hand over the gift and then punch him in the face - that's pretty manly.

    Wrapping so good it needs a second telling MUST have been good! Happy Haulidays to you too! I hope you get a dirty-smelling gift and a punch in the face!

    KymberlyWE - You are so right. Us lady people are always selling ourselves short. I should be celebrating my gift of craftiness and constructing a new business model for bird/twig/vase things. Would you like a bird/twig/vase thing for 2012? They only take me about 20 minutes to create and at a very reasonable fee...

    Merry Christmas!!

  7. hope your Christmas was good, mine well it was good till one decision made by my parents had my step sister pissed as fuck at me. Surprisingly after being scorned by her I have no feeling nor do I give a shit. Does this make an insensitive bitch. Perhaps I've been told repeatedly I am a very cold hearted person. So you are probably asking yourself where the fuck are you going with this Bri....? I has no clue. Christmas is not what it use to be when I was 7.

    Hope yours was peachy. Mine was good til it wasn't. And it's about to get worse this weekend. Mil.....

  8. I agree - Christmas is not what it was when we were younger. That does taint my holiday with a bit of sadness because family is both the good and bad part of the holiday. Sigh... Sorry to hear about your holiday drama. That apparently isn't over yet!

    But I had a good holiday, thank you. The niece and nephew liked my gifts and that's the best part! I love being the cool aunt!