These pretty patios put me into a jealous shame rage.

Every year about this time I have a post about how much I'd really like to make my patio look nice because I have ZERO furniture out there other than a lonely camp chair that even Charlemagne won't sit in and then I curse the gawds for being such meanies to me and then never do anything about it.  

But THIS YEAR is different because I invited a bunch of people over specifically for a patio party before I had even a stitch of furniture out there to force me into forking over the dozens and dozens of dollars I will spend to make it look nice.  I'm really good with reverse psychologizing myself.

This way I'll be risking the embarrassment of having my friends sitting on cardboard boxes outside if I'm unprepared (read: too cheap).  I mean, they're my friends and we've totally done that in the past but that was like, a whole TWO MONTHS ago and I've grown since then.

I've also been spending a good amount of time in the yard this year I want us to celebrate the fruits of all my labor.  By 'fruit' I mean 'new plants I'm slowing killing' and that wonky pathway I made out of stolen stones.  Ahhh... my little oasis.

So let's look at some dream patio and porch situations and get inspired by nature.  By sitting inside looking at a computer.

I'm kinda drunk right now so I'm just linking to the pin where I got these. Sorry, people.  It was a good book club tonight.

That's a super nice place.  My patio will probably look nothing like that.  I hate the people who live there because they are not me.

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But I hate these people more with their gorgeous giant table of awesomeness.  I bet they're European.  Fuckers.

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These people are just showing off.  I'm hoping my basil lives another two weeks.  I hope a cat pisses in all of those pots.  REPEATEDLY.

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I would like to strangle these inhabitants with the adorably fringed tablecloth until they puke out whatever scrumptious cocktails are in those glasses.  

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It's so pretty I hope your cat gets run over.  Just kidding.  I meant your toddler.

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You think you're sooo smart with your really genius IKEA fruit bowl hack, don't you?!  Well I'm here to tell you that you are so damn smart it makes me want to feed you Lingonberry sauce until your stomach explodes just like in that move Se7en.  (which I totally spelled 7even the first time because that's how I'd totally misspell it.)

It's actually surprisingly hard to find good sources of inspiration for outdoor living and landscape porn.  Apparently, interior design blogs are a dime a dozen but there's not an equivalent for exterior spaces.  Where's the Design*Sponge of patios?  Because that's where I need to be.

Hating people and stealing their awesome ideas...

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Like that really great dark burgundy lounger and coordinating pillows.  I wish an acid fog would come and eat the skin off of your dog.  (Guess what book I just finished, ladies?!)

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Just go fuck yourself sideways underneath dappled shadows with a beautiful outdoor lantern.  

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ANALLY.  While your dog watches, you filthy pervert with chairs I might end up purchasing...

Wow, she looks like a really nice person with a great house and a beautiful yard and it's too bad I'm going to have to set fire to it all like Adele after a breakup.

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Whore.

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After seeing your stunning little corner that I'll never have and am actually really excited and inspired by, I hope a Dalek puts its filthy plunger on your face and sucks out your soul or whatever the hell it does with a gawddamn alien plunger?!

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I hope a band of rabid coyotes comes through that sumptuous backyard jungle and rips open your arteries and your good-taste having, creative blood pours all over those nice textiles and it STAINS and doesn't come out no matter how many times you wash it.  Yeah, stains.


This image dump in no way inspired me and I'm certainly not making a mood board for my patio right now that I'll show you next time.  


*shakes head in jealous rage shame*