I support gay marriage by boycotting shitty outdoor furniture.

So now that we're all properly filled with jealous shame rage inspired by last post's patio roundup, let's focus on my own little concrete slab of mediocrity.

Ok well I forgot to get a picture of it for you because I've been busy controlling my rage over Perfect Patio People.  But I can tell you it's a completely covered patio that's about 8 feet wide and a jizzillion feet long.  You can kinda get an idea of the space here during my kitchen party except in real life there's usually nothing there.

It's sad.  Rull sad. 

What's even sadder is the the thought of spending $1000 on an outdoor sofa when my upholstered one in my living room cost way less.  Nevermind the fact that all outdoor furniture comes in matching families that you can't even break up and then are forced to spend even more on shit that you don't really like in the first place.  

Guess what, manufacturers?  Not every person likes plastic rattan and families come in all different forms, assholes.  Obviously the outdoor furniture industry is a front for "traditional family values" and I refuse to support that bunch of bullshit.

Besides, I don't have that kind of money on plastic families of any description and don't even want to spend that kind of money on outdoor furniture on principle - it feels like a ripoff (and the whole conservative agenda thing).  I've been perfectly happy to sit on my soapbox on my patio up until now.

MY agenda has been to scour the tri-state area's best thrift stores and junk palaces to create my own mismatched family of misfits and spend about $500 which will turn into $700 (ok 750).  I'm ridonkulously cheap so typing that number makes my lady balls sweat but if I saw someone on HGTV say that was their budget I'd probably laugh at their ignorance.  But I'm ignorantly confident it can be done.  We all have to make some sacrifices though.  No diamond birdbath for you, Charlemagne.

So here's what the patio of the Ranch will somewhat resemble in just a few short weeks:

Click to make bigger if you so desire.

You're all invited for virtual wine and debauchery!  Let's break it down:

1. Yes, my house is mint green.  Deal with it.  Thank gawd mint is having a season right now which doesn't make this look quite as fucked up as it would have two years ago.  I am not a mint fan unless it comes in a mojito.

2. I have already bought a bench that looks almost identical to this picture.  It's 72 inches of warm teak wood and the best dollar-to-ass ratio I could find.  At $200 it seats more people than those flimsy and ubiquitous loveseats.  (I got it at Southeastern Salvage for all you local people.)  It does need cushions to protect my guests' tender backsides (and for Charlemagne naps) but I'll still come out cheaper.  High five to me!

3. Some things I got for free which is kinda like cheating my budget but you'd do the same thing.  The rug pictured isn't my exact rug but it's really close and someone gave it to me so therefore I must use it.  I've also got my eye on a coffee table that's similar to the one pictured that will also be free if I can work some magic.  Or I'll steal it.  We'll call it a crime of patio passion.

4.I picked up some ghetto planters from a juuunk store recently for a song and a bat of my eyelashes (which is equal to roughly $10).  I think I want to go back and get more because there's something about some brass planters that probably had a plastic tree in it and lived in a bank for 25 years really touches my heart.  I have a smattering of black and grey planters too.  No idea what kind of plants I can put onto a covered patio that gets only indirect sunlight but that's where you people come in: any ideas on shade-only plants you are contractually obligated to tell me.  It's in the blog by laws.  

So the main pieces are falling into place: mint house, grey concrete, teak bench, brown and white rug, shiny brass things and black things.  See some of the real items here.

I typed a lot since you saw it last. Here it is again.

On the list of things I need to purchase is accent seating.  I like the IKEA Vago chairs but they are rather large if I remember and will most likely be out of stock by the time I get around to making a purchase because making a mood board is not like Jumanji - your items don't just fall into the next room along with a stampede of elephants.  

I'm on the hunt for pillows and am rather partial to that floral set up there.  They are feeding my desire for ugly '90s floral right now.  You know what would look really good with '90s florals?  Motherfuckin hunter green, y'all.  Maybe even spruce green.  Yeah, I said it - spruce.  It's gonna look hot next to the mint - don't even trip.  Someone on twitter suggested marigold which at first made me feel yucky on the inside but then I put a yellow pillow up there and I squeed my panties a bit.  It really makes the brass sing extra loudly which is really the only way brass should be allowed to sing.

I also need to get cafe string lights because YOU CANNOT HAVE A PATIO WITHOUT CAFE LIGHTS RIGHT NOW.  Otherwise Pinterest will explode!  

I'll finish everything off with some wicker side tables maybe painted white or MOTHERFUCKIN HUNTER GREEN, maybe some basket-y things and a capiz shell something for "global" (barf) charm, a hammock for napping and some candles.  Fucking candles everywhere.  Backyard oasis of wine and debauchery and alter sacrifices.

Of course I won't forget the giant painting of a butterfly or a seashell. No outdoor space is complete without a 2D representation of the space you're presently occupying.

It's also not complete with a brass bucket full of my new favorite cocktail: boxed red wine mixed with Sprite.  

AND CAFE STRING LIGHTS.

Don't forget to put your favorite shade plants in the comments. And any other comments and suggestions about what to do - all I'm going on is a wing, a prayer and a can of spray paint.

And a large mason jar filled with wine/Sprite.