Where food porn comes to life but not in a gross way.

So I did this thing last weekend that you are totally gonna want to do because it's a good thing.  An easy thing.  A fun thing.  A thing that's slightly embarrassing but also really cool and it's like a bridging your internet life with your real life and that's always good right?  Unless we're talking about your sexcam business and I think we all agree that should never be brought into real life. Ew.

After talking with some friends, we came up with the idea of doing a Pinterest dinner party!  We really need to work on the branding here because it sounds fucking lame as shit but it wasn't.  

Everyone has their personal recipe boards that are always full of delightful food porn but 90% you'll never make because pinning is almost LIKE cooking it except not at all.  Well, if you throw a potluck then people magically get excited to try those things.  

It's like how I decide to host a dinner party to magically force myself to clean my house.  It's the only way I'll ever have all rooms of my house reasonably clean at one time.  They usually revolve in various stages of clean to dirty but each on their own schedule.

But I was able to make the living room presentable, threw a tablecloth on the coffee table and some Cosco flowers in some vases and we got this party on and poppin. 

In my floor.

Welcome to the ModSauce Ranch living room.

I'm a great host.  Hope you didn't have back problems, friends, because we're bohemian chic now whether you like it or not.

Anyway, the menu included some stuffed peppers and banana pudding that were delicious but not from Pinterest therefore I'm pretending they don't exist. because it's fucking with my theme.  Other items included salt and vinegar kale mashed potatoes and spicy Thai noodles and they were delightful.  We gave a big middle finger to a cohesive menu.

I made bacon jam from here because BACON JAM and how could you not want to spread pork on things?  

from my Instagram

I threw it on some Havarti and crackers and it was pretty damn good.  It needed something to detract that it was a meat paste and someone suggested a thin slice of apple or pear and I think my brain exploded with the idea.  I also put it on a burger later and it was ridonk.

I also made a black bean and quinoa salad from Oh She Glows that was good but not blowing me away.

pic from Oh She Glows

It needed more dressing so I just kept throwing on anything wet I could find the rest of the week.  My Costco sells quinoa by the barrel so I'm making quinoa every damn week now.  I'm the youngest person in Costco by far but my lust for quinoa is of meme proportions and I'm fine with that.  

I'll be the posterchild for middle class white people with my Costco card and barrel of quinoa while people make fun of me on Reddit and I won't care because I got my perfect protein at bargain prices and it's fucking delicious.

I also made some Thai turkey meatballs in a green curry from here that was pretty bangin.

pic from Minnesota Monthly

Would actually be good over noodles like a Thai spaghetti and meatballs but we just ate them naked.  Look, I can't do everything around here.  It took a long ass time to spread that thrift store tablecloth on my coffee table.

All in all I thought it was a really fun time and it made me/us actually turn Pinterfantasy to reality and with delicious results.  

The best part is that that I'm still eating bacon jam at least twice a day and have a shit ton more Thai meatballs in the freezer waiting for a nice evening when I need them.  

Thanks, Pinterest!  I've given you three years and you've given me bacon paste and meatballs!  I think it's a fair exchange.

Secrets to my blogging non-success: Pinterest, gays and animal genitalia!

This weekend proved to be a very informative one: while cleaning out my closet I learned I really don't look as good in empire waist tops as I think I do.

I learned it's possible to give yourself temporary lactose intolerance (that's soooo worth it) after making a mac and cheese with sausage, goat cheese and eleventeen other types of cheese.  

After a few cocktails with some homosensual hippie types, I learned that Tennessee is home to Short Mountain Sanctuary which is a commune/home base for the Radical Faeries - a collective of pagan-esque gay men from around the world.  Ahh Appalachia, the secrets you keep...

And most importantly I learned that not only do I have a Bachelor's of Scienze in Home Ekonomics, I am also an investigative journalist!  For instance, just this week I had to get out my secret design blogger decoder ring to find the source of this bedroom that I saw all over Pinterest:

And by 'all over Pinterest' I mean 'all over my bedroom' because I found one pin and then printed a thousand copies out, taped them to my bed pillow and then dry-humped the shit out of them.  It's so dreamy like a really sterile hotel in fog.  But something about the decorgasm felt familiar and upon closer inspection of the now-destroyed paper I realized it was THIS room: 

SCHWING!  It's Francisco Costa's bedroom and an old favorite of mine.  Ahhh... memories.  I included it my round-up about horse art a few years ago because I used to have the time to do round-ups like that.  It's a post I'm proud of because I think I only had ONE horse cock joke in it.  Wait... I should reread to be sure...

I'm not sure why I like this room so much since without even knowing whose room it is you can tell that the queen living here gets vegan colonics, has a platinum (horse?) cock ring and isn't satisfied until the hospital corners on his bed linens are sharper than Angelina Jolie's Malificent cheekbones.

That's pretty much the opposite of everything I believe in: I get bacon colonics, [redacted for propriety] and I haven't made my bed in 17 years.

Maybe I only like this room because I get to make so many cock jokes about it...

The photography (ok, possibly the real reason I like the room) is by Australian artist and photog Martyn Thompson.  He has a book out about his interior photography called... wait for it... Martyn Thompson - Interiors. 

It looks like lifestyle shots of people who can afford to buy small islands but instead choose to live simple, monastic lives in beautiful places like this: 

 ...and then fuck them up with bullshit like this:

John Derian's house from, like, forever ago.

And this:

pics from Desire to Inspire

Fuck every piece of wayward furniture in this room and the platinum cock ring-ed horse it rode in on.  This is what it looks like when rich people masturbate and ejaculate money all over their house and call it decorating.  One Papa Bear chair is great but two is disgusting.  You just bukkakked all over your gorgeous house and in front of that deliriously awesome window.  (MS confession: I had to google the spelling for bukkake before I verbed it.  Do not attempt.)

How many filthy dick jokes can I squeeze into this post?  I'm going for an even baker's dozen.  

But I forgive Martyn for his photography clients because he still photographed one of my blogger favorite bedrooms.  He also has a nice, albeit sparse, tumblr with a bit more of his photographs and where I found this interview from Australian Vogue Living:

More fun things I learned: he makes his own clothes, appreciates Vivienne Westwood (like me and any person with eyes!) and is a Radical Faerie that twice a year visits Short Mountain Sanctuary in Tennessee to sleep in a tent and tap into his homospirit.  

Well, I'll be damned.  That's a very weird and completely pointless coincidence involving useless facts about Tennessee.

The only point to that story is that maybe now you can see how a blog post actually develops in my brain:  cocktails > gay story time > bed time lullabies bed via Pinterest > squeeing > investigative journalism and internet adventures > dreamy interiors and horse cock > more dreamy interiors > bitter ramblings by a lower middle class hack Madame >  inappropriate dick jokes > the rabbit hole of tumblr > gay hippies in Tennessee.

I just wanted to show you a pretty bedroom and then all hell broke loose!  That's essentially the formula for almost every single blog post I've ever written.  It's the Universal Formula for my internet success that fortunately consists of only 10% animal genitalia.

Problogger might want to take note.

Now, I'll probably want to blog later this week so I'm going to pour some gay hippies a few cocktails and see what happens...

PS. Martyn I have some friends you should meet.

Now enrolling students in my Scienze of Home Economics class...

I think my universally-recognized contribution to the blogging community is in the area of science.  Whether it's finding the atomic weight of Sauceonium or measuring the strong force of cheese, I'm always working to find solutions for all your domestic dilemmas to make your life easier.  I have a Doctorate of Scienze in Home Economics.  


Just recently I had some breakthroughs that I thought you might be interested in.  Like these green onions in my windowsill from NOTHING!  IT'S MAGICK SCIENZE!

It's ALIVE!  So abundant they can't even remain upright.

Grown from nothing except the leftover nubbin roots of green onions I bought from the store.  

Thanks to the invaluable research team of People In Need of Total...   Pies of Infamy... P.I.N.T.E.R.E.S.T.  for short,  they alerted me to this research courtesy of Homemade Serenity.  After all my personal experiments I can conclude that this works!  

After you've cut the roots off from whatever you've bought at the store, just dump them in a glass of water and they'll regenerate.  I mean, grow back.  (Sorry.  Who on the brain.)  You have to change the water and rinse the roots every couple of days but it's so worth it.  I'm lazy and I can even manage it.

Now green onions forever!  Well... for a few months until you need to replace the roots entirely.  Still, it's magick AND saves you money!  Madame Scienze: 1.  Grocery stores: 0

Now let's take this discovery train outside!  I don't know about where y'all live but around here we are being overrun by bugs this year because of our mild winter.  Mosquitos, mites, spiders and a shit ton of other disgusting things are all up in my business and it makes me cranky.

I'm specifically having a problem with these things:

here

They're called boxelder bugs and they are under the impression that they can live in my flower beds.  Like ladybugs they are completely harmless, but I still don't want an infestation to happen if they move indoors.  Kinda like ladybugs.  If you squash them they leave a smell that will attract even more boxelder bugs.  Kinda like ladybugs.

After much exhaustive research (googling) on my part I discovered that the best way to kill them is with a squirt bottle filled with water and a few drops of dish soap.  HOORAY!  One squirt and they die in just a few seconds and all is right with the world again.  

I feel a little bad killing them especially when they're having their sexy times and their asses are stuck together but I don't want their thousands of babies in my bedroom.  Survival of the fittest, not soapiest.

Fun fact: while crouched low taking care of boxelder business with my spray bottle this weekend, a different shade of black and red movement caught my eye.  Turns out it was THIS:

AAAHHHHHHHH!!  

I'd never seen a black widow in real life before but even from three feet away amongst a migration of black and red boxelders it was unmistakable.  Boxelders run away from the stream of soap water but this spider actually ran up the web towards me like 'What the fuck is going on out here?  I WILL FUCK YOU UP, LADY!  Water is NOTHING to me.  NOOOTHIINGGG."  Aggressive little fuckers.  

I think soap water probably makes them into Hulk Widows so I had to use the real bug spray.  Near my basil plant, gawddamit.  So no pesto at the Ranch for a while until I can be sure that all the pesticide was absorbed into the ground then into the groundwater and washed away from my plant.  That should take about four weeks.  I know because I'm a Doctor Madame of Scienze.

So if you're wondering why I'm not posting about the latest Vivienne Westwood line of tea cozies or 50 shades of architectural porn it's because I've been devoting my internet time to meaningful scientific endeavors.  Like the eradication of boxelders and growing onions.  

I'm super busy with that so maybe someone else could work on the black widow problem.  The problem that they actually exist!

Or maybe someone could work on cloning me and then I'll work on it.  

Christ, do I have to do everything around here?

Greg from accounts payable said this is the only article about Pinterest you'll ever need to read.

You can't go anywhere lately without hearing about my online lovah Pinterest.  

here

The only thing more popular than Pinterest is the cacophony of voices from social media gurus telling you about how popular Pinterest is.  I'm just as addicted to reading all of this poor excuse for info that I thought I'd take a break from my regularly scheduled fabulosity, anoint myself a social media guru for a day (it's pretty easy, I found the instructions on Pinterest) and talk to these people - guru y guru.

 

Generic Pinterest Article #1: "So what IS this Pinterest thingy?  It's the new social media!" says social media guru whose only Twitter followers that are all other social media gurus.  Um no.  It appears that you write for a social media company but welcome to 2010, asshat.  Because I'm a design blogger I'm obviously more evolutionarily awesome than all other bloggers because have you seen my banner?  Saucy.  

I dreamed about a service like this for a long time and I remember when SF Girl by Bay was beta-testing it because that's how much I needed something to organize my life - a life whose value is solely built upon the shaky house of cards of hoarding images of pretty interiors.  My Google Reader literally cried with relief.  Frankly, I just want to gloat for being an early adopter for once in my life.  LET ME HAVE THIS!!

But seriously, don't bogart Pinterest like it was invented solely for your own nefarious Social Media (with capital letters) ways.  I would use it without any kind of social media component so don't bother sending me your 'Top 10 Ways to Master Pinterest Like the Shaolin Monk of Social Media You'll Never Become' because I'm already on this like a mommy blogger on a crock pot recipe.

Or like a saucy madame on a crock pot recipe because that shit is delicious. 

Generic Pinterest Article #2: "Pinterest is blowing up, yo.  Why is it so popular?" says social media guru who has only used Pinterest for a day.  Is it really that hard to figure out?  It combines everything we like about the internet into one place: the speed and brevity of Twitter, the bookmarking of Evernote with an easier interface, the connection of social media because humans generally like other humans and we especially want other humans to like OUR brand of human without all that stupid obligation of Facebook AND it's fun.  Done.  We don't really need to analyze fun although I think I've read a few articles about it.

It's probably exploding now because of the 'Theory of Compound Interest for the Internet' that I just made up.  Or probably the tipping point.  Malcolm 's Gladwell wrote a book about it.  Maybe you should check it out.  In Malcolm's terms - we're all connectors now, grasshopper.  

Generic Pinterest Article #3: "Hey let's use Pinterest to "build content" for your brand" says the marketing asshole who wants to suck all the spontaneous joy from the internet. Why you hate teh kittehs so much, marketing dude?  Sometimes the worlds of marketing and spam overlap in a Venn diagram of Terrible Things to Avoid So People Don't Hate You and Curse Your Very Existence.  Filling your boards with your own junk and then leaving lame comments on my pins so I will come back and find you is so transparent and ruins my day.  

Six months ago Pinterest was all young, sweet and unsullied by marketers and free business schmucks posting their lame attempts at self-promotion.  But now that social media gurus have sniffed out this new barely legal site they're trying to pop her fun cherry by fingerbanging her in a dark corner of the internet.  KEEP YOUR FILTHY HANDS TO YOURSELF!  You're the #TeamFollowback of Pinterest and a disgusting pervert who preys on young girls.  WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU??!!

I just read an article suggesting that businesses pin pictures of their employees on a board so people will put a "face" with their company.  That is some serious kind of fucked up.  No one wants to see Greg from Accounts Payable at last year's Christmas party.  And I'm sure as hell not going to repin Greg unless Greg looks like Ryan Gosling and says funny things that make my heart melt.  But you should still keep your hands where I can see them Greg.  Also, maybe find a new job.  I bet Pinterest will have classifieds next month.

But not everyone is in love with Pinterest.  Haters gonna hate:

Generic Pinterest Haticle #1: "Don't bother with Pinterest because it's nothing but crafts and bible quotes" says newb who's scared of new things but hides it as condescending judgment.  I can tell that you've never actually used Pinterest before because - and this might blow your mind - you choose who you follow.  Take a minute...  I know, right?!  What a novel concept that's exactly like Twitter and tons of other social media avenues that have come before this.  

If you looked at the general Twitter stream and saw a bunch of women saying they wished Chris Brown would beat them in the face you wouldn't say "Golly, this Twitter thang is terrible!" you would bemoan the decline of human intelligence like the rest of us.  Your Pinterest/Twitter feed/Google reader is only as good as who you follow so if hate what you see, you need to have a serious convo with the man in the mirror.

Besides, if someone pins lame stuff then you get to flex your God muscles (it's like doing a Kegel) and hit that unfollow button.  You like playing the divine Almighty of the Interwebz right?!  So be compassionate like Sir Axl Rose, the Jeezus of the Beatles, about someone else's possibly horrible taste and live and let live.    

In all fairness, I've mocked the bible crafters aplenty (ohmigawd self-realization... I'm a scared newb in LIFE!) but we're all blog sisters.  Also, I write a blog about unicorns, vaginas, unicorn vaginas and wall paint colors so no one should listen to what I say.  Except for now, obviously. [MS sidebar: don't.] 

But seriously - I don't care if your pins look like Game of Thrones had a sexy and totally possible menage a trois with Kelly Wearstler and nutella, I will unfollow you if you clog my pretty pretty Pinterest stream with cascades of inspirational quotes.   Ok I'll probably just unfollow that board and keep the interiors porn...

Generic Pinterest Haticle #2: "Pinterest is nothing but crafts and bible quotes and only for LAAAADIES and eww people with boobs are silly." 

......flames on the side of my face....

I will fuck you with this bedazzled pencil holder I just made from a discarded coffee can for your backhanded sexist trope.  Didn't we work through our feelings of shock and terror about 'stereotypical lady interests are important and worthwhile endeavors' a few years ago after Etsy began going bananas with knitting and soaps?  It's damaging and ignorant for businesses to consistently be surprised when things that cater towards women or include typically female interests do well or drive trends.  Chattanooga has more cupcake stores than mustache waxing boutiques which I think proves my point exactly.  

My vagina and stomach says "you're welcome, economy."

Apparently the threat of possibly seeing one girly fashion post float across their dash is too much for some dudes to handle so they have retreated to the safe world of Gentlemint.  Or as I call it - Peenterest (not to be confused with Pornterest which is a real site).  Gentlemint is the clunky cousin that ripped off Pinterest and only allows guns and helicopters to be put in a mint.  Also, it's for fifth grade boys.

Because when you stereotype women's interest as lame then stereotyping men's interest MUST be good!  

Generic Pinterest Haticle #3: "I don't like this *air quote* Pinterest *end air quote* because I value the written word more than your silly pictures" says guy with a beard smoking a pipe at the patio outside of Starbucks who is sad no one commented on his one pin.  I think we've already established that I as a Design Blogger of Amazing Interiors and Dildo Jokes am more evolutionarily advanced so I feel comfortable saying simmer down, Hemingway.  I don't have to write a haiku about why every pin touches my soul.  I have 3000 pins and that's a lot of fucking haikus.  Pretty soon people will be judging the quality of my poetry.  Will you never stop with your judging??!!

Oh wait, they (ahem... me) already judge the quality of your captions anyway because yes, people's captions are stupid.  That's why I erase most of them and write my own stupid ones.  Or use a secret pictograph system that no one can decipher but me including phrases like "---" "nice" and "lolz. dead."  Now no one can figure out why I like this picture!

Because - and here's the real secret - I'm a selfish asshole and I don't give 2 flying fucks whether or not you "get" why I pinned something.  I pinned it for me and don't have to explain anything to you unless you're the FBI of the internet in which case no I didn't steal that image from Flickr because I totes respect Creative Commons license to the best of my abilities in understanding it.  If you want to repin that image and write your own haiku, that's fine.  If not, you should unfollow my pinboard titled "Things that make me lolz then die."

Generic Pinterest Haticle #4: "You are going to go to jail for pinning copyrighted material and Pinterest will leave you to rot in your cinder block cell and rats will eat your fingers and poop in your mouth and then Pinterest will sell your photography and make millions off of you.  Mwahahahahaha!  And you'll have dirty prison hair."  says doomsday theorist who is also stocking panic room because the Mayans told them so.  Honestly, I have no clue about this type of thing but hasn't Tumblr been doing the exact same thing for years and we all seem to be okay?  

I have much more of a problem with pinners not pinning correctly and losing the sources - that is wrong and it makes hipsters, bloggers and artists mad and we all run the world so that's not cool.  If you can't understand how to pin from a permalink or include the name of the source then you need to give up your driver's license because I don't trust you to be on the road with me.

Considering I haven't heard about a single copyright infringement case involving any sites like this I think we can all rest easy for a bit.  Is Pinterest tracking our paths, skimming money from our links and eventually going to sell our pinning profiles to Google so they can tailor ads specifically to us for things that will make us lolz and die?  Prolly.  Thus is the secret life of the interwebz.  But the few times I've dealt with Pinterest personally (ironically because they had to take down some pins that Houzz did not want me to pin because it might infringe on their users rights) and their new anti-pin code makes me think they care a LOT more about lil ol' me than Mr. Google.  But I guess I've drunk the Pinterest Kool-Aid willingly.  

Or drunk the blood orange margarita which you can totally repin right here.

I think I'm done being a social media guru so I can go get drunk and pin more.

I go hard in the paint.

I attempted fabulosity over the course of multiple weekends.  Shiny black mediocrity ensued.  So let's paint some furniture: Saucy style!  Now in 39 easy steps!  Ha-cha-cha-cha! *wiggles top hat*

Step 1: Buy an ugly china cabinet for your dining room that only slightly meets your needs and let it sit in storage for over a year.  This step is essential to the start of any DIY project as the constant procrastination compounds the levels of self-loathing into volcanic proportions until one day after stepping around said unit in storage for the thousandth time you spew hot lava of "omigawd I can't take this anymore!" all over your boxes of Christmas decorations and decide to just paint the damn thing already. 

I know it's hard to actually see the cabinet in the sea of brown but I assure you it's in here.  And yes, this is my storage room (you might remember as the "train" room) and yes that paneling is fake.  It's hard to tell, I know.   Behind me is a hoarder-style mound of boxes, recycling, craft boxes and shit I keep tripping over until I spew hot lava all over it too.

Oh ugly cabinet, I will make thee black and it will be good.  Or mediocre.  It's cool either way because I just need some furniture in my dining room.

Step 2: Clean off a year's worth of pet hair and cobwebs.  Or don't.  Maybe you like texture. I don't judge.  I'm lazy and hate cleaning so I just lightly sand everything because it's faster.  Of course then I have to clean up after the sanding... maybe this was a terrible idea?!!!!  Fuck it.  I'm halfway done already.  

Step 3: Remove glass and hardware.  Except for hinges.  I'm painting over that shit and y'all can deal with it.  I'm hoping the paint will just chip off there anyway.

Step 4: Be so proud of actually starting project step back and admire all your work.  For a week.  You need some time to decide what primer to use.  The internet is no help because nobody wants to help a madame out and I keep getting distracted by internet fabulosity.  Buy a primer.  Realize it doesn't give you the vibe that you wanted.  Return it for a different primer - in this case Zinsser something or another.  It feels better.  Discover there is an even better one for furniture with shellac but I can't go back to Ace again.  It's getting embarrassing.  

Step 5: Shit's gettin real, yo.  It's about time to actually DO something to this shitty cabinet!  Prime this mutha like it's dying of primer thirst and then marvel at transformed state of cabinet and the awesome power of you. 

Step 6: Realize you need a second coat.  Shit.

Step 7: Sand.  Wipe clean until chalky smooth like an angel baby's ass.  Start to paint 2nd coat and realize you did not wipe down enough and primer dust is just being spread around everywhere.  Wipe clean.  Again.  Is someone burning coal in my storage room?  Christ.  

Step 8: Wipe clean until you think you're safe and then wipe clean 2 more times until you are sure you are going absolutely crazy.  You might actually be going crazy because what does nasty primer dust do to your insides when you inhale a lot of it?!  *cough*

Step 9: Google lung diseases, symptoms of tuberculosis and death by DIY.  I think I'm in the clear.  But I should check in on what's new at Pinterest while I'm on the internet anyway.  

Step 10: Emerge from internet stupor four hours later.

Step 11: Repeat steps 7-10 until cabinet is sufficiently primed.

Dropcloths are for pussies.

Don't forget to pay close attention to the details!  

It's very important.

Step 12: The cabinet, sitting around in its undies, is dying for real clothes.  But first spend a week debating the pros and cons of latex vs. oil paints.  Finally decide on oil because this is a real piece of furniture and not something you picked up off the side of the road you can spray paint with leftover cans from your garage.  This is legit.  You purchased it at a REAL junk store and made your friends drive down to Hotlanta to pick it up with you while you rode bitch in the middle of the truck straddling the gear shift.  You can't quit now.  You committed.

Step 13: In conjunction with Step 12 you should consult your Benjamin Moore fandeck for the exact shade of black you want.  Briefly debate something crazy like corral or some shit like that - smack self around back to reality.  Spend next several days debating over 12 different blacks that all look exactly the same to everyone else but you.  Sleep with fandeck.  You can try dry humping it but results are hazy.  Finally decide on Velvet Midnight Surprise.  Go to store only to discover that the Ace where they have Benjamin Moore paints no longer sells oil paints.  NO OIL MAKE MADAME ANGRY.  

Step 14: Throw temper tantrum and reduce teenage red shirt to hiccuping tears.  (Or maybe that was me...)

Step 15: Go to the nearby Sherwin Williams.  They have ONE black.  This scares me being that I excel at indecision and don't like someone making the right choice for me unless I suffer for it first.  Stare hopelessly at SW wall of limited colors wishing for more until the guy decides to turn down the Michael W. Smith and see if I'm homeless or high or both.  I can't tell if he's cross-eyed, horny or terrified because he can smell the blood of Ace Hardware employees on me but I am somehow able to learn that they have an enamel that's great for furniture.  It comes in black, red and white.  No Velvet Midnight Surprise?  *gulp*  

Step 16: Buy can of black.  It says it covers up to 80 sq feet.  I'm skeptical but optimistic.

Step 17: Start to paint inky black goodness and watch as cabinet transforms beneath my expert strokes.  Applaud self for DIY super powers.  

Step 18: Reward self with glass of wine.

Step 19: Return and paint for 15 minutes before wishing project was OVER BY NOW!!!!!  Omigawd UGH!  DIY takes fucking forever.  Force self to finish rest of cabinet and curse every detail on that collects paint drips.  

Step 20: Curse current state of bank account and high price of storage pieces that require my current project.  

Step 21: Curse economy.  

Step 22: Curse HGTV.  Everything is their fault anyway.

Step 23: Go comment on HateGTV forum.  Avoid Pinterest because I don't have fours to waste!  Get distracted by tumblr.  Emerge from internet abyss three days later hungry, horny and cross-eyed.  Finish painting cabinet.  What month is it?    

Step 24: Realize 2nd coat is needed.  Shit.  How many fucking coats does this shitty cabinet need???!!  Decide to let paint cure because it's enamel and that sounds like a smart thing to do.  Also, I'm high from the fumes and need a sandwich.  Also, I've run out of paint.  80 square feet my ass.  

Step 25: Return to Sherwin Williams. Battle weirdo for another can. 

Step 26: Nap.  A lot. 

Step 27: Return a week later.  Slop on 2nd coat because I want to die.  Switch from happy dance mix to Waka Flocka Pandora station because I need to go hard in the motherfuckin paint and bust this cabinet out. POP POP POP POP.  (That's a Waka reference that only I think is funny.) 

Step 28: Take a break to clean house.  Somehow paint is being secretly transported by my body and appearing all over the house.  I've cleaned oil paint off of couch cushions, doorknobs, the floors and maybe a cat...  That one was totally her fault though.  

Step 29: Chastise self for slopping on 2nd coat because with high gloss I can see every brush stroke and forgotten drip.  But I don't care because this shit is done and looking good y'all!  I fucking love painting furniture and DIY shit!  I CAN'T WAIT TO DO MORE!!!  

Step 30: Bribe friendly dudes with wine and hugs to move cabinet into freshly painted Elephant Tusk dining room.  

Step 31: Squee in relief.  I painted a thing, y'all!  And it's nice.  Real nice. (Nice is a relative term.)  But we ain't done yet!

Step 32: Admire new knobs purchased from Anthro months ago just waiting for their new home.

Step 33: Put on new knobs.

Step 34: Realize knobs look like ass.  Put ugly knobs in pile of things mom would really like because it came from Anthropologie even though she doesn't know what it is nor has ever stepped foot in a store.

Step 35: Put old hardware back on.  

Step 36: Accept defeat regarding hardware.

Step 37: Notice paint already chipping off hinges.  High five self for ingenuity and laziness!

Step 38: Admire shininess and hard-ass motherfuckin enamel paint.  Sigh...  Good choice, Madame.

Step 39: Drink celebratory bottle of pomegranate vodka.  Get lost in orgy of Pinterest and tumblr while moderating HateGTV forum until pass out from fabulosity and liver failure.  Or the paint fumes finally do you in.

Next, we style!  

Eat, Pray, Pin.

via mint

This has been perking in my brain for a while because I was having some mixed feelings about it.  I probably really liked it a few years ago and would have looked at it in awe because damn that's a sweetly organized office!  But now - meh - and I don't know why.  I had to meditate on it, carb load using deathly large amounts of pasta and unclog my design chakras before I figured it out.  

from nice room via emma's design blog

I'm sure those shelves and shelves of magazine files and information are totally useful and so conveniently accessible but I figured out that I don't like that look because I think it's missing the point.  [MS sidebar: With the exception of back issues of Domino and Southern Living of course because you do NOT throw away those recipes y'all!  I once went to an estate sale where they had 30 years worth of Southern Living organized like the above picture.  I shed a tear.  It tasted like Confetti Corn Casserole.]  The point being, at a time when I would have squeed over the above images a person who hoarded the most amount of information was the the winner of the information media game.  That idea (and those rooms) feels gratuitous now which is weird because normally I love anything gratuitous.  Would you like more bacon on your Baconator?  Fuck yes.  *clutches chest*  However, now I think it's not about how much you consume but how smartly you can digest, process and organize information you receive and then how well you disseminate it that's more relevant.  


So buh-bye giant amounts of static info and hello to the new interactive information digestion!!  Yummy.  We don't just hoard information we FILTER it now!  Totally different.  (Not really.) 


*awkward segue alert*  


In comes Pinterest.  They've answered my bat signal with a place where I can consume filtered shit so I can process it and then disseminate it for further consumption and subsequent filtering by others.  It's the visual version of the human centipede circle of life.  Digital cradle to cradle, yo!  Really though, my pinboards are just the staging ground for all my blog posts where I can organize my brain rather than having to pull out every damn magazine file and search through 30 years of Southern Living for that one casserole recipe.  Now all my junk is in a happy little digital cloud somewhere up in internet heaven so when the Rapture comes (again) all my shit will already be up there.  


I really hope someone got that lame cloud/heaven pun...

here

So if you're interested in seeing what I hoard digest or want to follow me it's mostly interiors. Upon review it looks like mostly those interiors come from Head Over Heels so maybe you should just read her blog which you probably do anyway.

But if tulip tables aren't your thang (are you dead inside?) and prefer architectural-y outsides I have a board for that too:

here

 And one for patterns I dig:

Gunta Stolzl via But Does It Float

I have over 1000 pins right now so if you want to follow me for funsies you're welcome to but the best (and worst) stuff will usually make it over here to the Sauce anyway.


Sometimes I pin just color:

Thomas J. Abercrombie from National Geographic

So far Pinterest has yet to answer my new bat signal for creating mood boards like if Olioboard had a lovechild with the software from Minority Report but hey, a madame can dream.  


Sometimes I dream I'm all fancy like I actually read Vogue I'm interested in fashion and textile trends so I have a fashion board:

via Fashion Gone Rogue

In reality I like to wear pants and pretend my thighs don't touch and pin things I'd actually wear like this::

here

I'm not really a fashion person but I'd rock those faster than they can make an Elizabeth Gilbert book into a movie.  When you see shoes like that you need to remember them FOREVER!!  Pants not necessary.

I also have a board I've so cleverly called "Things that make me go OH" where I pin things I fantasy shop for:

Cat Chair by SerraydelaRocha via Design Milk

Sometimes just inspiration for whatever:

Madeleine Soder via Number 19

That is pin on a digital board of a picture of an actual pinboard.  The internet just exploded.

In this new age of processing, EVERYONE'S - dare I say it? - a curator so not surprisingly there is a large amount of Pinterest dedicated to cupcake porn, wedding hairstyles and bible verses in sassy fonts and photoshop filters and that stuff makes my stomach hurt so I don't follow that.  If you like that kind of thing then pin the fuck out of all the hair bows that make you squee but I won't follow your boards like that either.  Don't blame me, it's the nature of the filter.


So all that was a convoluted way of saying things feels different to me, I don't really know why, I like bacon and Southern Living and Pinterest and would recommend it to you too.  


However, they might be using all my pins to establish some sort of government file on me or start "predicting" things they want me to pin and so they can control what I filter and buy...  pinning precogs JUST LIKE IN MINORITY REPORT!!!  Maybe this is all a horrible idea...  


In the meantime, I may not like cupcake porn but every now and then a different kind of deliciousness filters through my dash like Alan Rickman.  *clutches chest*


I gotta go take down my bat signals...