Damn dirty apes have to take a bath somewhere.

I'm politically hungover from the debate on Tuesday night so we're keeping it simple today.  SIMPLY JUNGLE.

Designed by Ana Donahue and photographed by Michael J. Lee from the Junior League showhouse in Boston. 

I'm aesthetically allergic to many of the things in this bathroom: that wallpaper I've always hated (sorry design bloggers), upholstered pieces in a tiny bathroom and putting purple and green together.  But after I saw this bathroom on Pinterest I lost my shit today.  I can't stop staring at it.  I want a bathroom with a jungle up top.  It's like the mullet of walls - business down low and jungle party upstairs.  A reverse Brazilian.  

Except you can trash every single accessory in the foreground and that plant on the left.  You have jungle wallpaper, for chrissakes, you can cut that shit out.

However, if there was a Tarzan-like man hanging out in that tub then you can keep your shitty accessories because I'd be too distracted.  I must have jungle men in loincloths on the brain after recently seeing the poster for the new Tarzan movie coming out next year with your least favorite sparkle-dicked vampire, Kellan Lutz.  However, he might be perfect for that roll because there is very little dialogue for a character raised by apes and based on the Twilight movies I think Kellan might have ape brain.

My favorite Tarzan movie and the only one of any value as you can tell from the exceptionally long title is 'Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes' from 1984 starring Christopher Lambert, Andie McDowell and a lot of sexual grunting noises that in no way affected my young, impressionable mind.

Between Beastmaster, Greystoke and Conan the Barbarian I saw a lot of loincloths in the '80s.  Good for a girl under 10.  

But for me there can be only one.  (Highlander joke!)

Um... was this was supposed to be about a bathroom?  I can't seem to remember...  political hangover and all.

*grunt*

I have lots of friends. Friends who enjoy fine towels and kitchen gadgets.

Christmas is coming in about two weeks so I'm getting a head start on all my shopping.  

For my, uhhh... friends.  


*shifty eyes*

Like my friend who's decided to invest in some glass water bottles.  Polycarbonate is "safe," my ass.  I mean, HER!  Her ass.  She is particularly fond of the Takeya water bottle because it's sessy as hell.  It may or may not have won several design awards not that she cares about those kinds of things.  It's not like she even cares about design let alone has a blog about it.  Only crazy people do that...

It might be nice for my friend to have nice filtered water in a GLASS pitcher if such a thing existed.


But wait!

DWR makes this one for under $100 - the ONLY one I could find.  I looked everywhere because I'm such an amazing friend who will go to any lengths to make my friends happy.  However, I'm not sure if louseki stones, fairy kidneys and Binchotan charcoal from the coast of Japan is strong enough to filter out the ridonkulous amounts of estrogen, Prozac and other pharmaceuticals that are in our water supply.  Without a proper filter, our water is going to make us grow another ovary or permanently tweak out - just pick your poison.  

Sometimes that poison is caffeine.  Just like my other friend that wants to ask Santa for a single serve coffee maker.  Perhaps this handsome devil?!

This fat little penguin is tinier (and infinitely more huggable) than the Keurig in case this friend has a brand new kitchen that doesn't need to be cluttered up with ugly gadgets.  It would be nice if there was such a thing as a single serve coffee machine with a GLASS reservoir that used regular grounds instead of pods because that seems so wasteful and I know this friend is probably concerned about the environment and shit.  

I have caring friends. 

With lots of very particular needs.

Like this OTHER friend who can't be happy with normal towels because she's a super high-maintenance bitch and has decided to change to fancy towels.  For her fancy hair.

lots more options on bathstyle's etsy shop

The thin cotton pestemal - a traditional Turkish towel woven to signify the history/origin of its owner that has now been bastardized for American consumption (Now with less ethnicity!  Yummy!) - is what this lady person wants in her stocking.  Why don't you ask me to fly over to Turkey and waste my time on a glorious and exotic shopping excursion just for your Christmas present?!  GAWD!  So selfish this friend is.


It's a good thing I'm so generous with my time and shopping abilities for all my friends.  They are lucky.


And I'm lucky to have such wonderful readers who will be happy to share their favorite single-serve coffee machines with me.  Feel free to write me a letter telling me all about it.  I'll give you my address.


For the, uh... letter.


My friends - who really like caffeine, having the appropriate number of ovaries and the color grey - will really appreciate it.


So get in the holiday spirit y'all!  


For my friends. 

I need some industrial strength Calgon to take me away.

Now that I have 98% of a gorgeous kitchen it makes the rest of my house look even stankier than normal.  Particularly the bathrooms.  You can fake your way around some ugly furniture but nasty grout and gross cabinets are hard to style around.  Particularly if you've just found out that your sagging bathroom floor is beyond repair.  As in the subfloor has completely rotted away due to an ancient toilet leak and just fell off onto the ground [MS sidebar: when I bought my house my home inspector was about 117 and I'm guessing he didn't get up close and personal with ALL corners of my crawl space...] and the only thing that constitutes my "floor" - a term I'm using loosely here - is the mint and aqua mosaic tile and the 50 yr old cementy stuff below it holding it together.  Oh and air.  Now, every day when I brush my teeth it's like an adventure - Will I fall through the floor today?!!!  Ooooh living in the unknown is so dangerously fun!  


Right now there's a quick and dirty temporary fix (it might consist of some cinder blocks and magic caulk - I don't really know what the contractor did) until I can sell enough plasma to pay to properly rip up the entire floor to redo it.  Maybe a whole new bathroom depending on how the plasma market is doing these days...  I made sure that I wasn't flat broke after doing the kitchen but that doesn't mean I can do two remodels back-to-back.  Houses can be such assholes sometimes.  And aging home inspectors.


While I cry and make desperate attempts at finding a sugar daddy (AGAIN!) here are some bathrooms that make me lusty.

from Cote Maison

If I'm feeling all lusty with this bathroom I'm gonna need some curtains.  Maybe a shade... something... anything to protect against the entire DECK of people out there.  Because seriously - yum.

photography by Mai Linh via Emma's Design Blogg

Since I'm still in the fantasy part of the bathroom renovation this will do nicely.

from pinterest but real source??

I found this on Pinterest and it had the caption "It looks like a mermaid does her business here."  I can't improve on that statement in any way.

via House of Turquoise

Looks too Candice Olsen-y to me but it's so SHINY that I covet it.  I bet it has 0% stained grout and 100% of a floor.  Also, apparently you can't design a bathroom without rectangular vessel sinks now.  You just can't.

Feldman Architecture via decorpad

See?

via Mi Casa Es Su Casa

Or concrete ones.  Perhaps disastrous for putting on makeup...?  Toothpaste residue?  Questions that don't need to be answered right now because we're just fantasizing.  Also, I won't be getting either a vessel sink or a concrete one or any one that doesn't come from the Habitat ReStore so it really just depends on what they have available.

photography by Emily Gilbert via Desire to Inspire

I despise those shades but all those curves need lots of HUGS!!!

via Head Over Heels

Do you think people actually bathe here or is this just in my dreams?  

via Sacremento Street

The mix of new and old is so nice.  So very very nice.  I'm not sure how I feel about so much art in a bathroom but I know exactly how I feel about giant tubs like that.  That's right - lusty.

via Remodelista

But for the record: I.  Hate.  Dark.  Grout.

Elizabeth Dinkel via Houzz

Oh that's better.  Probably too traditional for me but after the prison bathroom above I'm easily swayed by the girly details and that tile.  My ovaries approve.

via re-nest

I'm kinda digging all this green.  Definitely digging that tile.  I'm NOT digging all that grout - Tilex Root Penetrator isn't a miracle worker y'all!

And then this:

via Full House

Sigh...  SOMEBODY GET ME AN OVAL TUB!!!  I need to just buy another home warranty and then pray I fall through the floor so they can pay for the repairs.  You can just buy a random home warranty right?!  I had one when I first bought the Ranch and those poor suckers were so sorry in the end.  Of course with my luck I'll buy one and then never fall through the floor and the quick and dirty temporary solution will last forever no matter how much tap dancing and jumping Charlemagne and I do in there.  

I'll keep dreaming.  Of bathrooms and feline/human choreography