Final Kitchen Budget: AutoSUM does not compute the ignorance factor.

It's been several months since the kitchen of amazing awesomeness was completed and I've given myself plenty of time to reflect on the project and dance and twirl as necessary.  You might have expected my Jerry Springer style "Final Thoughts" a long time ago but I was seriously kitchened out and thought some distance might allow me to be more objective considering my last thoughts in May were "take my check and get the fuck out of my house!"  


And that was in my happy place! 

"The floor looks so good no one will even guess how many bodies are buried beneath it!"

As I sat down to catalog all of my amazing earth-shattering insights I realized I had a shit ton to discuss so I had to break up all my final kitchen tawlk into three parts.  If you don't care anything about this stuff then sorry, your MS week is going to be boring as shit and you can just skip all this.  I'll reward you with some mediocrity later.  But if I don't blog about all this stuff then the project will just be left hanging open and I just couldn't bear to live in a world where my inconsequential ramblings weren't posted for the strangers on the interweb.  I have to complete the circle.  It's the final step in closing the hellgate!


The most important thing that all you project voyeurs probably want to know is if I stayed on my budget.  The answer iiiisssssss.......   


KINDA!  


*applause*


Good enough for me!

"It's a good thing I have such low expectations!"

I already discussed my ideas about setting a budget here - to make a long post short (too late) I picked an arbitrary value that I felt comfortable with my kitchen costing in relation to the value of my mortgage.  I don't trust appraisals but I trust the numbers in my bank account. [MS sidebar: I'm not really concerned with what the appraiser comes back with anyway because I have yet to meet one who seems to have a firm grasp of the real estate market since this last appraiser used comps from 2001 and spent the majority of the time at my house trying to coax Charlemagne out of the bushes while telling me about his own cat hoard.  Take your pussy fetish elsewhere, you fucking wierdo!  I mean, oh that's hilarious would you like another cookie Mr. Strong Inspector Man?!]  

"Yes, do my bidding you ignorant swine. I have weapons to polish!"

Anywhoozle, I decided that I would like my kitchen to be no more than 20% of my original mortgage.  Aaaaaannddd.... I came in at 21%.  I'M A FAILURE!!!  That is a number that I'm totally fine with even though technically it's over budget.  My original original budget was about 15% but that was completely without doing any homework or any idea what I was going to the space period.  I was so wrong.  Upon further reflection, pre-shopping and introduction into the real world my revised budget put me right under 19%.   That number was without factoring in any allowances for mystery problems so 21% is pretty good.


If you believe in the concept of national averages, for what the rest of the country spent on a low end kitchen remodel (new laminate counters, refacing cabinets and new vinyl floors) I got an entirely new kitchen top to bottom. 


"They" can suck my 21% dick.  I fucking killed it.

So where did I go over?  Well, lots of places actually.  I made a super scientific ghetto-ass spreadsheet where I pre-shopped for everything I would need to purchase long before the project even started.  I'm sure there are official forms somewhere but hell if I could find them and they couldn't be better than my superb Excel skillz.  That freshman computer science class is really paying off!  This was my project bible and let me know when to praise jeebus for sale prices or when I needed to start drinking more (something I forgot to include in the budget).


My estimates weren't perfect but I don't know how people could even entertain the idea of any remodel without some sort of research like this.  They probably used a number like my original original estimate and were fucked.  The amount of people I heard about that just jumped into remodels completely blind made me question the future of the human race.  Maybe this is my anxiety-ridden nerd talking but Madame tip #93493938:  DO YOUR HOMEWORK, Y'ALL.

Some things I saved money on like the glass inserts for my cabinet doors (I saved, like, 20 whole dollars!) and faucet (shout out to Brizo!); a lot of things I broke even on like the hardware, sink and garbage disposal.  

Behold my Excel skillz.  Click to make larger if you care to read.

Other things I completely fucked up.  For instance, I originally budgeted about $200 for a microwave (that was probably low anyway) but it ended up costing me almost three times that amount because I had to ship back the wrong parts and order the new ones from Middle Earth and have them blessed with virgin panda tears, blah, blah, remember?.  


I also totally fucked up the backsplash tile estimates.  It was a last minute addition anyway because I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to afford it and therefore didn't have time for my usual amount of ulcer-causing obsession.  Then I realized that I'd rather just do it all right now rather than wait so... Boom.  Done.  Tile.  Turns out the tile of my dreams that I would accept no substitutes for ended up costing the same as all of the tile for my floor.  SHIT!  I also didn't realize that I had to pay for the freight (not just shipping!) for the tile that was hundreds of dollars.  THE FUCK?!  I kinda assumed buying from a tile store meant I didn't have to pay for that stuff but oh the things you learn...  It was still worth it for me.


I also went over my initial cabinet budget because I had no idea that glass door cabinets are SO expensive.  Even paying for the glass myself, the fact that they are finished on the inside somehow translates into wallet-raping numbers.  Hey manufacturers, it's all the same cheap shit on the inside. You're not fooling anyone!  

Of course there were some additional labor expenses that I knew would pop up because no one really knew what existed at the base of the hellgate until we got down and dirty in the remodel. Nothing major showed up except for some moldy insulation inside the walls, a damaged joist that needed repairing and other thrilling details you just have to deal with.  Nobody has X-ray vision even though that was on my list of wants in potential contractors.  


The other extra expenses resulted from a lack of communication rather than a renovating mishap.  Some ended up being semantic debates (What exactly does the word "trim" include?  Apparently, we had different meanings...) and some were just incorrect assumptions from both parties. We'll delve into this bullshit when we talk about contractors later.  Aren't you excited?!!!!!  I'm not.


In the end, the unexpected down and dirty parts put me about 10% over budget on my the entire cost of the project.  I was expecting 20% so that's not too bad.  I would have liked it to be 5% because I wanted to funnel some money to my bathroom project but whatever - I didn't have to make Charlemagne resort to whoring (again!) to pay for anything so it's still a win. 

"I spent so much money on this gorgeous wallpaper border I had to use broken glass from the alley in your sandwich."

I tried to figure out where I could have really saved money had my budget been even tighter and there weren't a lot of places.  Sure, I could have eliminated the tile floors and backsplash but if I'm getting an entirely new kitchen it seemed a waste not to do everything if it was reasonable to do so.  I guess I could have done the over-the-stove microwave/vent hood combo unit thus saving me a few hundred dollars to ensure my place as a middle class homeowner.  I don't think the money I could have possibly saved for any decision was worth the style value that I added.

"Finally that kidnapper took the hint!"  This Madame needs some alone time."

In the end, I did as much research as possible and it payed off.  Literally.  Unless it didn't pay off because I fucked up and hemorrhaged money for a short while.  There's no accounting for the ignorance factor.  Or if there is I wasn't taught it in my computer science class.


Maybe the ignorance factor is like a handicap in golf if I actually understood what a handicap in golf is... 


Sometimes it's not all about the math or numbers or percentages anyway.  It's about the backsplash tile or the yellow sink or the hush money that really makes a kitchen have value.

"How many exclamation points are allowed in a post title?" otherwise known as "I HAVE A KITCHEN OF AMAZING AWESOMENESS"

I don't even have a witty or relevant opening paragraph to this post so just LOOK AT IT!!!!!

I'm a photography idiot so just enlarge for maximum awesomeness.

Before we squee ourselves out too early here's some never-before-seen pictures from when I first moved in!  Take a big swig of wine, bless yourself with a dusting of glitter and spritz of Febreze laced with Candice Olson pheromones and brace yourself.

For all that is holy and full of bacon, THAT SCALLOP!!  *shudders*  I can't even remember why I bought this place...

It certainly wasn't the stove because it was the filthiest thing I'd ever seen (or smelled).  We drug it out to the back patio and put it out of its misery.  The smoky glass corner shelf was a nice touch though.

And then this was the day of demo just a few short weeks ago.  Ahh memories.  Looks worse than the pics above but in person it was actually better.  Well, it smelled better and your eyes didn't have grease stains.  

Mostly...

But back to present day fabulosity:

Night pics = drama.  Also, I was busy and shit during the day.  Counters not really yellow either but see note about photo idiocracy above.

I'm not gonna lie - I'm really happy.  Sometimes I'll just be walking down the hall and see the kitchen and be like "DAMN!  How'd that sexy kitchen get in here?" and bask in some awesomeness for a second or two and then keep walking.  It's energizing.  Kitchen is the new crack.  Or meth depending on what part of the country you're from.

Charlemagne is slightly pissed that her food bowl has been moved twice in two months.  Apparently she doesn't appreciate Kitchen and the floors as much as the rest of us.  Get some design sense, already!!!

And speaking of the floors:

This is the corner of Kitchen looking in as you're standing at the entrance to the hellgate.  The way all that lines up makes me tingly.

Have you hugged a kitchen designer today?  Nick I love the cabinets on this entire wall - you did awesome.

Because I've run out of kidneys and eggs to sell for money most of my appliances are remaining.  Honestly I don't hate Mr. White Stove since there's so much white in here so until science figures out a way for me to spontaneously grow new body parts for the black market he'll just have to make nice with Mr. Sexy Hood.  In related stove news, not having an actual countertop on either side of it for such a long time makes this setup feel like I'm living in some kind of fantasy castle of luxury where I cook in a mink stole and can set bowls down on my left AND right!  Thus far I'm loving the wood (that's what she said) and can't imagine stone or a quartz in this space at all.  Currently it has about 4 applications of IKE-RA's own butcher block oil on it which surprisingly doesn't look like oil but instead looks like buttermilk.  Trying pouring that on your counters...  Weird.  

I think we just talked about birds (ahem...) but these were a Christmas present and I still like them so DON'T JUDGE ME!  But look: tile!!!  It's warm, it's cool and sometimes I like to pet it when no one is looking.  

Well hello Eva Zeisel dishes!  We'll talk about you more one day in the future but for now seeing you showcased like this makes me exceedingly happy.  However I'm still moving in and nothing is in its final place.  I started putting things in cabinets a few weeks ago but somehow the contractors managed to get sawdust INSIDE the cabinets even where they weren't working... Contractor magic.  Also, my cabinet stylist was busy this weekend (WTF?  Don't you know who I am??!) so I know he's going to take one look at my teacups and *eyeroll* and make them prettier elsewhere.  

Know what else makes me exceedingly happy?

Venuto FINALLY is in his home!  Venuto has been stuck in a closet since um... last summer when he came into our world.  He's a good sport.  And he's sexy as hell and totally pwns that sink which is pretty tough to do because have you seen that sink?!

Show that sink how it's done, Venuto.

That Magne-dock, lock and drop it technology rocks my world.  (I think I just found your new commercial deal with Huey, Brizo.  You're welcome.) It's like the soft close feature on my cabinets drawers but for faucets.  Us people of luxury in the 21st century can't be bothered with returning things to their rightful positions and rely on technology and faucet magic to do it for us.  Hey, I'm a busy Madame and thanks to Brizo for understanding my needs.

Good thing these drawers do have that soft close feature since they are stuffed to the max with NOTHING because I have so much cabinet goodness that I actually have tons of empty storage.  Better go shopping...

And look at all this space!  The microwave trim kit finally arrived after its journey through Middle Earth although not after a very harrowing ordeal in which I had to pick it up at the local FedEx hub located at the corner of Murder Ave. and Girl, You Do Not Belong Here Blvd where I had to be buzzed in through a cage, walk half a mile, go through airport security and then forced to talk to the guard for ten minutes about his potted meat lunch (because of the economy and all) eaten with the heels of bread (which he called toes) all in front of a giant industrial fan causing me to hold my hair out of my lipgloss with one hand and sign for my package with my other hand and - as elegantly as possible - tuck my skirt between my thighs so I didn't flash potted-meat man from the hurricane force winds behind me ONLY for the contractors to later tell me it didn't fit.  

Again.  

I will fuck you in the face with potted meat if you don't put that gawddammed microwave in that cabinet you lazy sonsabitches.  Apparently that did the trick because magically 30 minutes later the microwave was snuggled in nicely.  It was either my threat or Nick's help... one of the two.

Taste the rainbow!

It's not all white and beige in here!  But those can stay nice and tucked away.

I do have a bit of a thing for ugly vintage dishes...  They just want a good home!!!!

Wheeeee!!!  More rainbow!!  To reduce paper consumption I made an effort to only use cloth napkins with meals last year but having 12 of the same pattern is so boring so now I just pick up a couple of whatever's on clearance at Anthro when I'm there.  I feel like you're looking in Kitchen's panty drawer...

And finally we have the pantry and existing Mr. White Fridge.   He doesn't quite fit the space which was designed to hold a glorious counter depth fridge one day when I can afford it but in the meantime welcome to the real world y'all where everything isn't HGTV perfect all at once.

When Mr. Counter Depth Fridge gets here this view will be so much better...

Can't forget airport runway lighting!

Gratuitous kitchen porn shot

Kitchen's getting sleepy from all this excitement...

LOOK AT IT, NEIGHBORS!!

The ModSauce Ranch doesn't look so mint green at night!  Pardon the blurry picture but I was taking this perched on my car door in my neighbor's yard in the middle of the night and people were starting to wonder (more than normal) but those two windows are the kitchen overlooking the corner of my street and everyone driving by can be blinded by the awesomeness of Kitchen since I don't have shades yet but that will be remedied shortly once the summer come and the afternoon sun will turn Kitchen into the hellgate again.  But for now it's breezy and making my neighbors jealous.  Or they think I've turned into a chef/exhibitionist...

Sigh...  It is done.  It's not perfect but I'm loving it so far - I think it looks like me and suits my house and my neighborhood.  And by "suits" I mean kicks its ass of course.  So thanks to Charlie Sheen (not really) Cupboards and Brizo and jeezus and the special people that have given me advice and all my readers and tweeps who've been supportive or at the very least laughed with me (at me?) during this process and omigawd *waves hand in front of face* I might cry so somebody punch me before I show you I'm a real human!  I've got more deep kitchen thoughts coming in the future about working with contractors and possibly even a guest appearance by my cabinet daddy, Nick, but for now this:

Sink, consider yourself dry-humped tonight.

BLADOW. 

The lamest giveaway in the history of the internets.

Hey Madame, weren't you, like, remodeling a kitchen of amazing awesomeness just a few weeks ago?  Yeah, yeah, yeah...  We're like 95% done but still waiting on a few details to arrive.  Apparently these special items are located in Mordor and require a mythical journey of warehouse pickers to find the only microwave trim kit that fits my cabinet in all of middle earth.  Paying for expedited shipping doesn't apply to how fast this magical journey takes, only how fast the UPS man drives once they find my special part.  Good to know.   I think we will be done - for serious done - at the end of this week.  SQUUEEEEE!  


So at the end of this process I'll get a shiny new kitchen (and a few love burns from all the mad sink love that's been going down) but what do you get, dear reader, other than a sore neck from watching this trainwreck?  It's time for me to give back!!!  Because I'm a giver.  Of things.  To you.


Specifically this:

click on images for hot up-close wood action

No, it's not trash.  Well not really...  It's an 8 foot section of butcher block counter all chopped up into varying pieces.  You may remember its brief role in the countertop debacle of 2011.  So now that I have a new countertop I have no idea what to do with all this old wood.  My contractor has already made me two cutting boards, I've set aside a couple for gifts and hopefully to pay bills with (Nick, what was your address again?) and I still have about a thousand pounds of wood just laying around.  It's a shame to let all that sessy wood go to waste.  So I'm giving it to YOU!!!

For everyone who wanted a full picture of Charlemagne there ya go.  This post is full of giving!  Giving is the new winning.

It's wo-oood, wo-oood, it's better than bad it's good!!  Even Charlemagne can't get enough!  Also, she's an attention whore when the camera comes out.  So I'm giving away one free piece of wood to one of you fabulous readers do with as you please!!  Have you ever seen this kind of lameness generosity before??!!  Surely the Make-A-Wish Foundation will be calling me shortly to make other dreams come true...  All you have to do is leave a comment below (isn't that how these things are done?) and let me know you want it and I'll use one of those random number generator thingies or possibly a hat with some numbers written on post-its inside and pick someone.  You don't have to tweet it or subscribe or donate to a charity (although that's just nice anyway) because that ain't this kind of blog.  It's the kind of blog where I give you things out of my trash pile.  

But it's a sexy 1 1/4 inch thick piece of wood trash in a trapezoid shape for all your contemporary kitchen displays of geometry or a skinny piece to chop one carrot at a time on.  Big pieces, small pieces, whichever one you want.  You tell ME how to make your woody dreams come true.   Use it as a cutting board or door stop or use it as a giant plate and pretend you're a caveman when you eat dinner.  You can read tarot cards on it or use it as a stage to enact your miniature civil war reenactments with your toy soldiers or carve my avatar on it to hang in your house, WHATEVER.  I don't judge what you creepy ass stalkers do in your spare time.  What I will do is hug it tight and give it as much fabulosity by osmosis as possible and then package it lovingly in old newspapers and a shoebox and send it your way.   Fuck, I'll even sign it if either of us are actually that lame. 

Seriously, my back patio needs to be cleaned off and y'all better leave a comment even out of pity so I can get this mess out of here.  

And for all you losers who don't get a giant slab of wood here's a kitchen teaser!

Venuto is in its home at last. 

Mwahahahaha!

(pssst...  don't tell the winner but I'll totally send y'all pieces of wood too - seriously, these are nice cutting boards if you sand the corners a bit - but I can't pay for all the shipping because this wood weighs a ton and I think we've already established I don't shit glitter or money but we can work something out.  It's better than bad, it's meh.)

Fresh highlights and manipulation are the real diplomats.

We have finally arrived at a solution to the Countertop Disaster of Epic Proportions of 2011 and All Time Ever from last week!  Drunk hugs to everyone for their support!  I’m giving you all the boring and dirty details not because I think you really care about my most important kitchen remodel of all time ever but it’s a lesson in problem solving and I’m nothing but a horrible warning amazing tool you can learn from.

'member?

So the morning after the gaping “incident” we met to discuss what the hell happened.   They (the owner and project manager who you’ve already met) told me the sink is slightly concave on all sides (uh… maybe that’s why it was on Overstock.com…??) and cutting a curve through an inch and a half of solid wood is kinda hard.  Uh yeah... no shit.  They assured me that the gaps could be filled with silicone because apparently they aren’t aware of the awesome power of glitternaise…  it’s the new duct tape!  Well it didn’t matter because the sink was sitting improperly so far back in the cabinet that the faucet couldn’t have been installed correctly and my 50 yr old windowsill would have been breathing down Venuto’s neck and Venuto does NOT like to be crowded y’all.  

Don't crowd a brotha.

Gaps aside, the major point of contention was that they felt like I told them where to place the sink therefore I’m at fault for its incorrect placement and should take responsibility for the fuck up.  There weren’t any instructions with the sink (nor were there any specs online) and despite the fact that I emailed pictures about how I would like for it to sit they neglected to pay attention to that or ask questions.  At one point I received a text that said “We’ve found the natural resting spot of the sink!” to which I replied “Go for it.”  Madame mistake #1.  In addition to not being at home for this because, ya know, I was working and shit, I ordered the sink four months ago and hadn’t opened the box which is really dumb and unlike me since I’m the type of Madame that will rip open a new Sephora box with the ferocity of a rabid make-up slut in desperate need of some under eye cream.  You do not get between a Madame in need of fixing her under eye circles and her overpriced lotions.  So I didn’t know the “resting place” of the sink but apparently agreed to it via text with the company owner.  I guess the texting magic only exists between my project manager and myself.  Le sigh…

At first it was sitting on that tiny lip inside the cabinet box.  This is how it looks now.

Turns out the “resting place” is really just the extended facing of the sink which you can see above but because they had never installed a sink like this they didn’t know.   Let’s all just blame Overstock and their lack of diagrams but ridonkulously low prices and $2.95 shipping for this one.

If they could cut everything correctly I agreed to allow them to piece together the counter using leftover wood to make two side pieces and a back piece just to speed things along.  Madame mistake #2!  I wasn’t happy about this but two tiny seams seemed like something I could live with at the time.   It’s only a few inches right?!  I’m not that high maintenance and demanding am I??!!!  ANSWER ME!!!  So fast forward two days through some sleepless nights and an embarrassing number of distraught phone calls to Saint Nick (heeeyy!!!) and they still hadn’t cut it right.  Then I really had to grow a pair and told them I would be willing to drive to Atlanta (I like big city shopping and cinnamon rolls!) to pick up a new piece but they would have to pay for it.  Seemed reasonable to me.  Mr. Owner Contractor suddenly decided to grow a backbone and said no because in trying to follow his customer’s exact wishes (thanks a lot, stupid text message) he still wasn’t at fault for the sink placement and I was being too picky about the side gaps because in the end I would never notice them.  *screeeeecchhh*  Stop the music y'all.  Fuck.  You.   Don’t tell me what I will or will not notice.   I’m noticing it NOW.   A very heated 7 AM discussion ensued and still no resolution.

*eye-motherfuckin-roll* This has gone on long enough - I’m tired of their bullshit, tired of my surprising inability to find my balls in this situation and want to get the project moving again.  I will get the counter I want regardless of how it happens.  I have to live with this shit FOREVER!  If these guys couldn’t figure it out then I would micromanage until they wanted to slit their wrists or call someone who knows how to use a damn saw.  I called Nick and Queen of IKE-RA Becky of Ecomod again to learn exactly how they will cut the counters and what saws to use, what tolerance I would accept, how to finish the edges, how to fix the cabinet below the sink and the consequences if they didn’t follow through this time.  

Me draw good.

I did more soul searching (yes over a damn countertop), went to the salon and refreshed my highlights and felt bolstered in the way only a girl’s stylist can provide.  It was time to put on my big girl panties.  They looked great with my fresh highlights of course.  

By now I was confident that I was not going to live with halfassmanship or those seams at the back of the sink.  They weren’t just unfortunate design details at this point but giant chasms filled with food crumbs and my self-loathing and I really don’t want all that drama staring back at me when I do the dishes.  I hate doing dishes enough as it is!  So I was going to get the countertop I wanted regardless of price - monetary or emotional.  I would have to do horrible, horrible things.  I called Mr. Owner Contractor again for a civil discussion where there was so much petting of his construction skills and stroking of his ego that I think I have a friction burn.  He was so happy to see that I had “decided” to compromise (we’re both paying for the new top which I still had to pick up) that we were both laughing and joking and bestest friends again at the end of the convo because I may not be ballsy at the right time but gawddamn I’m exceptionally good at being nice.  But now I feel so dirty on the inside.  So we are a team now which is how I felt we always were supposed to be rather than the "customer is always right" dictator that they felt I always was but, in fact, forced me to be.  There is some serious mind fucking going on here!

In the end it doesn’t matter that I’m right and awesome and that you all 100% agree that I’m right and awesome because being right and awesome doesn’t get shit done.  So I’m out about $100 and a trip to Atlanta to pick up a new countertop.  Big fucking deal.  MY ego is not so big that I can’t swallow some pride about a small detail for some dudes I barely know.  I do not want them to be pissy as they finish the rest of the project either.  The stroking continues… 

But it worked because look at it now:

That's a sexy tight fit.  Even my monkey toes agree. 

I know I should have demanded this on the first day but I'm not unreasonable and understand that oopsies happen and tried to make the best out of their mistake even if they were resistant.  They should have just owned up to their mistakes in the beginning since it's not my job to tell them how to do their job.  I really need to work on this second guessing problem I have...  People say that I’m the one with the money so therefore I’m in charge and should get what I want when they mess up.  That sounds logical and rational but that's not how the real world works and if everyone was logical and rational all the time we'd never get to enjoy watching celebrities self destruct.  Although maybe having Chris Brown as a threatening back up may have helped...  However, just because I have money doesn’t actually give me leverage.  I’m the one in need of their services and they can leave at any time (regardless of the contract we signed) because we're both even at this point - they have 80% of my money and I have 80% of a kitchen.    Neither party is going to sue over 20% of this tiny project.  They already have other projects lined up so they could easily move on to something else if they wanted and leave mine unfinished.  It happens all the time - it’s happened to me before and most of friends too and we are all filthy rich!  I don't think they are the type of guys to do something like that but we were at an impasse so something or somebody had to change.   I chose me and I'm fine with that.  As a customer with no real means of recourse it often feels like I’m bent over a counter where I’m forced to take one for the team WHILE I stare at the giant gaps of their poor craftsmanship and pretend to like it.

But not anymore!!

Fortunately, their early resistance was smoothed over rather easily once we "compromised" and they realized I wasn't trying to cheat them out of the $180 bajillions of dollars for the countertop made of diamonds and dreams.   I continue to charm them with my hilarious jokes and ego stroking because I ain't dumb!  We are really close to being done and I want them to FINISH WELL!!!  I still bring them breakfast and use my biggest happy face and they are back to being super nice and taking out the trash and mopping my floors.  They are also making cutting boards out of all the leftover wood!  Guess what you're all getting for Christmas this year?!

There are more developments and things are looking hot!  After almost 4 days of doing nothing last week we are still on schedule and will be done probably by the end of this week.  If this is the most traumatic thing in my life during this remodel I'm still doing pretty damn good.   In the grand scheme of things this is nothing and maybe I needed to buy some perspective last week during my over-dramatic angst.   Do they sell that on Overstock?

It's all fun and mood boards now! The tears will come later...

Jesus finally made it rain all over the ModernSauce Ranch (literally and figuratively) because after an almost 6 month long search I actually have 3 legitimate bids from legitimate contractors for the hellhole kitchen remodel!  I cry tears of glitter.  I'll be going over the whole process in agonizing detail with you later but right now I'm compiling each bid into a master spreadsheet so I can compare apples to apples.  I didn't think to create a template BEFORE and hand it to each one requiring them to fill out each applicable section but I'll do that in the future because that is the most genius idea ever and I know they would have absolutely zero problem with that.  Based on the bids I've received on post-it notes, word docs and random "formula" sheets these fuckers need all the help they can get.  I can't wait to see their faces when I hand them this template when it comes time to do the bathrooms...  Guys like that LURVE having girls like me tell them how to do their jobs better!

So while I'm crunching numbers and selling my last bit of plasma to make this remodel happen I thought I'd share a mood board of what's rolling around in my head.  Also because you have to be dead on the inside to not love a mood board.  Feel free to comment and ridicule as you please but I might completely ignore your expert opinion OR steal your idea and not give you any credit.  It just depends on your idea.  This mood board also goes out to all the asshats who, upon learning of my kitchen remodel, immediately respond with "oh what color are you painting it?"  Trick please.  I could give a fuck right now what color my walls are.  I'm more concerned with whether or not I'm going to have a new ceiling and calculating CFM value for my range hood based on a complicated algorithm of whooshing noises, counting on my fingers and a case of wine.  You know, important things.

So here you go.

This is the world's most boring mood board for the world's most awesomenest kitchen.  I wish you could add sparkle and shine and an aura of fabulosity but sadly technology is way behind in this area.  GET ON IT OLIOBOARD!!!!

So I think we've already established that I want white cabinets with a few glass doors.  Done.  I also want a black floor.  SHUT UP!!!  I know what you're thinking: "Madame you hate chores including but not limited to cleaning floors and Charlemagne shed her glitter pelt at least twice a month."  Well you're right but I don't care because if I know anything it's that buying new things will completely change your personality for the better so I know I'm totally going to turn into that Pine Sol lady after the renovation .  And I already bought the tile about two years ago...  And we can't forget about the Venuto!!  Now he's just languishing in a closet.  Waiting...  Soon, my precious.  He needs something shiny to hang out with so maybe some globe pendants with chrome accents.  And I don't know what kind of countertop I'm going with but that tile and stone sample in the corner probably ain't gonna be it no matter how much I dry hump my computer screen.  Quartz is a cold and heartless temptress that costs bajillions of dollars.  


I forgot to add all the crap that'll be living on my counters like toaster ovens and boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and half empty bottles of wine, etc...  I'm just kidding.  Those bottles are all empty of course.

And for all you people that are just dying to know what color I'm going to paint my walls the best I can give you right now is beigey.  Deal with it.

Thanks to K for the Olioboard tip! 

Sorry Charlemagne. Venuto is my best friend now.

Just like you suspected, being a blogger is nothing but glamorous shopping at the liquor store, chocolate emergencies and late night pajama parties with ye old laptop and Charlemagne, the Cat Extraordinaire.  Normally I have to fight the mosquitos paparazzi away from me as I sneak into the back door of my own house.  It's exhausting, really, but I do it for my reader(s).  But every now and then something cool happens like somebody tells the Madame they laughed at one of my posts so hard they peed a little (you're welcome) or like in this case Brizo, maker of fancy fixtures for your kitchen, hits me up and says this:


Faucet dude: Hey, you're so awesome that we want to be friends with you.


MS: Look internet pervert I'll totally block your nasty tweets I swear to gawd!


Faucet dude: No seriously, you seem like a cool person...


MS: I think the word you're looking for is fabulosity.


Faucet dude: ...um ok. But we'd like to give you a faucet.


MS: WTF?  Is that like a euphemism for something gross??!!  


Faucet dude: *sigh* No. Look - do you want a faucet or not?


MS: Does a duck fart when it walks?


Faucet dude: What?


MS: I'LL TAKE IT!! mwahahahaha!!

Meet the Brizo Venuto.  It's so curvy and shiny and we know I like shiny things like unicorn horns and glitter eyeshadow.  


I signed a pact in blood before they could realize what they had done because they seem like cool people that do things like this and I'm drunk a lot and do things like this.  Let's just keep that between you and me, k?  But now the Faucet of Amazing Awesomeness is in my posession. 

Hellooooo Venuto.  

That.  Just.  Happened.  


It's probably the nicest thing at the ModernSauce ranch.  So I wanted to get it acquainted with its new home and show it a good time.  First stop - the kitchen.  Shitty old faucet meet Venuto. Venuto; shitty old faucet.  It's on like Donkey Kong y'all.  Venuto is going to tear that sink up when we do the real renovations!! 

Venuto says "In yo FACE shitty faucet!"

After the tour we did normal get acquainted things - mani/pedi, watched Twilight (Venuto is totally Team Edward thank gawd) and just chatted.  

It's called magical realism...

Later we decided to have a picnic outside and Venuto helped me read for my book club.  There was a siesta involved.

While Venuto napped I went to the store and picked up some items for dinner and I surprised Venuto with some flowers!  Teehee!  He was touched I could tell.

Here at the ranch we take care of our guests (sometimes) so I made sure to cook a nice dinner for company.  I made pasta with organic spinach and tomatoes and fresh herbs from our local farmer's market because I care and I'm a liberal white person.  But just so Venuto doesn't think he gonna be spoiled all the time I made sure to keep it real (and keep with the Italian theme) by microwaving some Totino's Pizza Rolls to go along with the pasta because we ain't boughie around here.  We can do nice but we ALWAYS do real.

Oooooh lawd.

But look at this mess.  Venuto's head is on backwards and his naughty bits are all showing after overindulging in some wine and chocolate.  You're one of us now Venuto.  But we'll need to work on your tolerance or this relationship isn't going to last.  


Venuto is already lonely bored but kitchen renovation is just beginning....  At least I have some sink jewelry to look forward to and a new best friend!  


The internet is awesome.