Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Purging is good for your mind and body. Bad for bean bag chairs.

I'm still purging my blog files so take a look at this word and picture vomit awesomeness that's been trapped in darkness for months waiting to be rescued to be reunited with its mistress for all the world to see!  

It's a chalet in France.  It starts out kinda cool...

But then this...
Aw hell.  It's one of THOSE houses.  *eyeroll*

Ok well the whole place is made of plywood and concrete which is fine I guess.  It can work sometimes...  Those lights are kinda squee-worthy.

eeehhhhhhhhhh....  I'm starting to get bad vibes from the helmet lamp and weird furniture...

from Design Milk
Well shit.  Way to fuck up some badass views with some BEAN BAG CHAIRS!!!!!  I'm sure they are ridiculously expensive bean bags by a fancy Italian company I should know about and are only made by blind gypsy women with six fingers from the hills of Romania (are there hills in Romania?) and stuffed with feathers of virgin geese but FUCK, y'all.    It's STILL a bean bag.  [MS sidebar: I, of course, totally had a purple pleather bean bag when I was about twelve but that is not relevant in any way right now]

from seesaw
You think you're so cute don't you??  It makes my eyeballs bleed.  

Now maybe I was kuh-razy drunk or something, I don’t know (it was March when I saw this and who can remember that far back?) and something about this place spoke to me. So I wrote a story 'bout it. Like to hear it? Here it go...

Viktor and Juliette live here. Viktor is an architect and Juliette is a graphic designer. Juliette’s only personality trait is the waifish indifference she oozes while she chain smokes clove cigarettes. Viktor believes in purity of mind, body and space.  He champions materials like plywood, concrete and glass, meditates everyday and likes to subsist solely on raw food and a blend of wheatgrass and 4-leaf clover juice to keep his colon sparkling clean. In fact, Viktor thinks a clean colon is next to godliness (if he really believed in god).  All guests are actually anally probed before entrance to the house to assess their worth.  Rejected guests get the Viktor-special: a 3 day fast consisting of only early morning dew off of the French wildflowers growing along the mountainside while "guest" sleep in a special detox tent and scrubbed clean with hot water and steel wool (purity of material) until they are clean. Only then can they enter the home to sit upon the bean bag thrones to admire the view of the sky because they can’t see over the balcony because they’re sitting on the floor. Then they will discuss [insert existential stuff here] until they will retire to their plywood beds and then fall asleep to boring yet pure dreams. El fin.

Wow.  I don't really know where that came from but I’m thinking this should have been left to Bank of Fabulosity… but I tell you what, my brain is feeling cleaner. Just like my colon after one of Viktor’s specials.



  1. Dear Sauceliness: Two comments on your comments: 1) No, the light fixture is not almost sqee-worthy, but thanks for trying to find a balsam lining in the room. 2) Viktor and Juliette are also anemic and pasty, as is true to their Frenchy roots, sometimes also called their roots de Frenchie. A bien tot (minus the circumflex as I could not find it on my keyboard and have better things to do. Like tease zee French!)

  2. 1. When I start my kitchen light shopping you might want to avert your eyes.

    2. That's not pasty that's ennui. (Ok it's pasty too) silly Frenchies...

  3. Je ne pouvais pas croire qu’elle ne savais pas taper l’accent circonflexe! Les Americains imbéciles! ;-)

  4. How do you say asshole in French? ; )

  5. Cul.

    But it sounds way better than any word in English. It has to. Otherwise, it clashes with the speaker's waifish indifference as she chain smokes clove cigarettes.

  6. I meant YOU you cul! Leaving comments on my blog in another language you know I don't read...!!

    Oh but thanks for reading - I love all my readers and commenters forever and ever yo.