Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Purging, pastels and polaroids.

I'm doing some deep fall cleaning around ye olde ModSauce blog and posting a bunch of old, half-finished and probably all-around lame things in the near future.  Aren't you excited??!!!  Sometimes a girl just needs to purge whether it's a closet of last year's ill-fitting clothes, a blog dashboard or vomiting up a few too many cocktails.  So buckle up readers for a few awkward posts of that not-quite-right shirt that looked so good on the clearance rack in March/omigodwhydidihavethatlastshot type of blogging this week.  I'm gonna spaz out with my vag out blogging style!!!!!!  (I'm not)

To get started I'm posting a bunch of small conversations that I've been having with myself that really should have been kept private but what's the point of having an anonymous blog if you can't rant about dumb things and embarrass yourself on occasion?!   

For instance I can't hold it in any longer that I hate these chairs:

I love vintage and ugly things - especially together - but these chairs really make me want to projectile vomit directly in someone's face (that kind of purging isn't fun).  All I see is Farrah Fawcett hair wings and forced charm.  If you're wanting something eccentric and quirky I think you can do better.

Even if you try to make it all cutesy like this:
here and WTF is going on with that giant plant????
...it still looks dumb.  But I see these about every week in thrift stores down here so if you happen to be in love with them I'll mail you one.  Shipping is one jizzilion dollars.


In related vintage recycles that makes my vag spazz (and not in the good way):
I don't care if they're super hawt right now and Kate Moss has a pair she wears with her high waisted jeans you look like a jackhole wearing them.  So does she.  Super sweaty toes and cold cracked heels are the most fucktarded combo ever.  And no one ever really looks good walking in mules of any kind anyway.   EVAR!   I don't care how comfy those birks are you CANNOT run in them and if you're going to buy ugly elephantine shoes for comfort you sure as shit need to make sure you can outrun a criminal in them because they need to at least have a purpose other than than showing off your striped sock collection.  [MS sidebar: you can't run in flip flops or stilettos either but those are cute and sexy and that purpose totally trumps practicality because cute shoes will attract people to you and THEY'LL save you from bad people.  Proven fact.]  This goes for those feathered mules too because even though you might think they're sexy they're not.  You look like an unimaginative housewife pretending to be saucy while clomping around with marabou on your feet and if I know one thing about dudes it's that they probably aren't looking at your feet lurve feathered shoes that make it sound like you're a horse galloping around in the bathroom.

Fuck-me pumps are only good for one thing (and it ain't walking): 

Elvgren from somewhere...
sitting in your sheer nightie writing in your diary.

Or DIYing in your bra.  Duh.


Every time I'm restacking my junk mail on my coffee table that I call "decorating" and see this cover:
it makes me really stabby that I paid money for this magazine subscription.  FUCK YOU HB and your mauve and dusty aqua.  If you want to be on trend with the pink and blue palette this is how you do it:

from the awesome tumblr Bohemian Punk. Blue eyeliner FTW.
This might be a crazy mess (meh - I'm more lenient with fashion spreads) and she's probably wearing high-heeled clogs with this at least she's relevant for 2010 (by way of 1970's of course) and doesn't look like a Architectural Digest editorial from 1989.  This shade of pink is yellowed and the blue leans towards cobalt.  It's how you rehash the past.   The circle of life.

Are you noticing a theme yet...??

In an effort to purge a bunch of unrelated random thoughts, it turns out there is in fact a theme.  I think that means I'm insanely anal-retentive awesome.   The overall trend that lately is this psuedo-70's vibe that's all about new pastels and "crafty chic."  I don't know if I truly believe there is such a thing as crafty that's "chic" but somebody else sure does.  I think we can partly blame this:

we heart it
The polaroid camera.  It gives every piece of inane bullshit it captures immediate "personality."

Sometimes that's a good thing if you're a horrible picture taker like me but lately I just see a lot of vintage sweetness and spools of thread elevated from Martha Stewart stylized craft editorial to artsy photograph of hodge podge granny hoarding.

And of course the polaroid camera was a hipster favorite and we all know that hipsters are the real mavens of trend cycles.  
via ffffound
And etsy style of course...


I would set a baby panda on fire for anything coconut but I swear to gawd if I see another gawddamn picture of a tinted 'macaron' I will take that burning panda and shove it up your ass.  IT'S JUST A COOKIE MUTHERFUCKERS!!!!

last three from here
Ditto the cookie rant for cherry blossom pictures because I've really reached my quota for these.

I will admit sometimes I feel a little pastel-y but let's just blame it on an occasional surge of estrogen.  Sweetness and dewdrops and granny glam are fine if that's your thang but this new surge of it doesn't feel authentic to me.   I'll take it any day of the week and twice on Sundays over shabby chic but pastels are still pastels.  They still need something bigger/darker/grittier to ground them otherwise it's still just lace and ruffles and bunnies.  But now you can process it with iphone app and then BLAMMO!!  You just became infinitely groovier!!  Or add a few stitched flowers to it = one-of-a-kind eccentricity!!!!  But that's precisely the issue - real personality doesn't come from a photoshop filter (I don't think...?!) and while the 70's were groovetastic and it's fun to be nostalgic sometimes (what trend isn't to some extent?) it's an applied aesthetic.  

Everything looks cooler from behind the filtered haze of my yellowed aviator glasses and polaroid viewfinder but once you take that away it feels ironic that we're being nostalgic about another decade of recession, high unemployment, an unpopular war all with a liberal president thrown in there somewhere.  But I don't really know anything about the 70's because I wasn't alive then and that's a whole lot of episodes of Charlie's Angels I have to watch and I don't really have that kind of time so y'all can tell me I'm dumb if you want.  If you want a burning baby panda shoved up your ass...  

But I guess not everything viewed through a yellowed haze has to be cookies and flowers - I'm quite partial to these "pastel-esque" graphics.
And if you like your polaroids way nastier there's always Pornaroids.  I did not make that up and yes it is NSFW obviously.  Porn is where trends go to die. Or is it where they are born??!!!!!!  *DUN, DUN, DUUUNNNNNNN*

Think about that mystery of life while I write in my diary...


  1. All I can say: 2 posts in one day makes me want to stalk you even harder. . oh and you are just super fucking talented (oppp < can I say that here?). great day madame.

  2. You can say whatever you like because I've probably said nastier here. I don't know what came over me with two posts in one day! I went blog crazy for a bit! Thanks for your continued support and stalking... I think. ; )

  3. I can totally run in flip-flops.

  4. Lemme try and chase you with this ax and see how well you do then, show off.