Tuesday, June 7, 2011

ModernSauce: (Not) edited for content and formatted to fit your screen.

I think sometimes that if this Madame didn't have crushing shyness or break out into really awkward (and oddly enough, sometimes racist) impressions when put on the spot that I could have a pretty kick ass television show.  I don't know what channel it would be on (pay per view?) but I know it would have to allow for filthy language and compromising situations.  Corporate sponsors would be the orange Sour Patch Kids and Tanqueray.

Tony Sinclair shows you how it's done.
This show cinematic experience that will define a nation would be one that I would host with a revolving menagerie of all my friends, tweeps and blog pals.  Kinda like the Charlie Sheen podcast or Uncle Luke's Freak Show but less classy.  But since this madame also hates having all of your gawddamned judgey eyes looking at me I'll have to host it in disguise like an old Sally Jessy Raphael guest - bad wig, scarf over head, sunglasses and hooker makeup with my voice altered.  Where in the world is Madame Sandiego?  We'd start each episode with a round table discussion about the week's events wearing pajamas and two martinis in.  Did you see The Judds this week?  Girrrrlll, I think Naomi and Kim Zolciak need to go into biznasty together with the combined forces of their elegant style.  

The main segment will be a scavenger hunt through a Hoarders house.  Items on the list might include a tiara (or a toddler), Karl Pilkington's head, Tom Selleck's mustache, something you'd find on Pawn Stars, a shitty Southern accent by anyone on True Blood, any of Oprah's favorite things and possibly this:

Bonus points if you uncover one of the Sister Wives holding a giant stack of coupons.  You better hope you get the youngest one because it might be to your advantage during the final weigh in at the end of the challenge.  If there's a tie it will be resolved by finding out who can smize the best.  The winner receives the entire series of The Golden Girls on VHS.

The cooking portion would just be my guests and I eating tacos and watching this:

But it ain't all glitter and fun exploitation of people less fortunate than us - we'd keep real journalism alive by throwing in important news updates every 10 minutes like traffic in your area, debating whether the European Central Bank's use of higher staff inflation forecasts is really justification for raising interest rates, checking in on weinergate
You've seen his bulge.  And I know you love it.
and getting weather updates from Kim Kardashian's uterus (cloudy with a chance of whore). 

During the travel segment I'd get to travel to exotic places all over the world to explore new cultures (just like the cast of Jersey Shore) and tour architectural destinations and saucy interiors.  And ghost hunt in them.  With Chip Coffey and some pyschic kids.
We'd have the best time finding the White Witch, Chip.

Then I'd meet Andrew Zimmern to watch him eat the local cuisine while I just stick to the jar of peanut butter I packed with me.  Or not if there are scallops involved.
You so nasty, Daddy.  I love it.

I'd like to offer practical advise as well so Kenny fucking Powers can give us tips on how to throw a fastball or I'll include a short segment by Brini Maxwell on crafting and how to appropriately accessorize for all us fancy ladies.

At the end of each show I'll have some final thoughts on fabulosity just with you and me where I read you a poem I wrote after downing a bottle of wine, do some interpretive dance to the Law&Order sound repeated on a continuous loop or just talk in depth about rainbows.  Whatever is most relevant to my soul at the time. 

So until this show of amazing awesomeness gets made my favorite show will have to be It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
(That's just this week.  Obviously my favorite show of all time is Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Duh.  Ahahahaha just kidding - it's Perfect Strangers.)

Go check out the other favorite guilty pleasure tv shows of the rest of the Let's Blog Off participants here!  If none of them say my fake show I will be really pissed off.


  1. If you don't immediately rename this blog "Cloudy with a Chance of Whore," I'm never speaking to you again.

  2. This post was absolutely luscious!

    Your show would be a guilty pleasure of mine for sure.

    And yes, I second the vote for the new blog name!

  3. Ooooh luscious?!! Thank you - I am all tingly now.

    Your request is noted, too. ; )

  4. Oh. My. God. I'm retiring immediately. I have nothing left to say.

  5. Good. With you retired that means you have lots more free time to come on my fake show!

  6. If you don't invite me onto your fake show, I will sabotage it by starting my own fake show (which absolutely no one will watch, thereby diminishing the possibility of said sabotage), and I will make it my mission to say nasty things about your hair on a daily basis.


  7. Nice try but I'll probably be saying nasty things about my own hair on the show already so your plan is foiled. Mwahahahahaha!!!

    But seriously, you're totally invited of course. Whoever you are...??!!! ; )

  8. You should pitch this show to one of the networks, Bravo, perhaps. You could be on the verge of making millions!

  9. Check your local listings soon!

  10. love this...now my pick of a guilty pleasure seems all so wrong...

  11. Great take on the blog off topic! Definitely looking forward to seeing Paul Anater on your new show.

  12. Okay, I'm obviously tv deficient, as I've never heard of most of these people. But I do want to know - is it just me that thinks Weiner kind of looks like a young lady in the picture above? I think you can leave your blog with its current name, but your tv show should DEFINITELY be named "Cloudy with a chance of whore." That way your "shy" guests (those on probation) could say they are cloudy, not whorey so they don't get in trouble with their P.O.

  13. "What's true for shrimp cocktail, is true for all cocktails. Always in moderation".

    Good thing your blog isn't a cocktail, because moderation would suck!


  14. Nick - I love Brini!

    CLS - it's not too late to jump on the fake MS show bandwagon. ; )

    Arne - you're talking about Sandra Lee right?!

    AFF - don't talk bad about The Weiner! Oh wait... Having guests that are on probation also makes my disguise that much more necessary. We can be prison pen pals but that's it!

    Izzy - Did you just quote Tony Sinclair?! Awesome. Now drink up.

  15. I'm at work and am trying hard to look serious at my computer but it's all over now. I've had to cover my mouth with both hands and now I'm bobbing up and down trying to stifle my laughing and pretend I am actually sneezing/coughing. The interpretive Law and Order dancing got me in the end. Now I have the tune in my head.... as well as the lovely reminder of sally jessy raphael's disguised guests. I forgot all about that show! I hope you will stream your new show on the internet. love coming here! you put me in a good mood!

  16. Best compliment ever!! Although I won't feel satisfied until you've peed your pants or ended up on the floor in convulsions. You bet your ass I'll put it up on podcast or something - gotta remember all my fancy international readers! ; )

  17. (I recognize that I am horribly late in commenting on this post...I blame my professors for extensive reading lists.) I will now proceed to gush over your various selections and inspirations - because this is the BEST SHOW EVER! Tony Sinclair - "Are you ready to Tanqueray?"; Arrested Development - the Bluth family: fine purveyors of fried ball-shaped things; and Sunny in Philadelphia - I still haven't received my limited edition rhinestone-accented kitten mittens despite sending in my check several months ago...hmm

  18. Those idiots at Sunny in Philly probably used your check to buy drugs. You might have to craft your own pair... just sayin.