ModernSauce: (Not) edited for content and formatted to fit your screen.

I think sometimes that if this Madame didn't have crushing shyness or break out into really awkward (and oddly enough, sometimes racist) impressions when put on the spot that I could have a pretty kick ass television show.  I don't know what channel it would be on (pay per view?) but I know it would have to allow for filthy language and compromising situations.  Corporate sponsors would be the orange Sour Patch Kids and Tanqueray.

Tony Sinclair shows you how it's done.

This show cinematic experience that will define a nation would be one that I would host with a revolving menagerie of all my friends, tweeps and blog pals.  Kinda like the Charlie Sheen podcast or Uncle Luke's Freak Show but less classy.  But since this madame also hates having all of your gawddamned judgey eyes looking at me I'll have to host it in disguise like an old Sally Jessy Raphael guest - bad wig, scarf over head, sunglasses and hooker makeup with my voice altered.  Where in the world is Madame Sandiego?  We'd start each episode with a round table discussion about the week's events wearing pajamas and two martinis in.  Did you see The Judds this week?  Girrrrlll, I think Naomi and Kim Zolciak need to go into biznasty together with the combined forces of their elegant style.  


The main segment will be a scavenger hunt through a Hoarders house.  Items on the list might include a tiara (or a toddler), Karl Pilkington's head, Tom Selleck's mustache, something you'd find on Pawn Stars, a shitty Southern accent by anyone on True Blood, any of Oprah's favorite things and possibly this:

Bonus points if you uncover one of the Sister Wives holding a giant stack of coupons.  You better hope you get the youngest one because it might be to your advantage during the final weigh in at the end of the challenge.  If there's a tie it will be resolved by finding out who can smize the best.  The winner receives the entire series of The Golden Girls on VHS.


The cooking portion would just be my guests and I eating tacos and watching this:

But it ain't all glitter and fun exploitation of people less fortunate than us - we'd keep real journalism alive by throwing in important news updates every 10 minutes like traffic in your area, debating whether the European Central Bank's use of higher staff inflation forecasts is really justification for raising interest rates, checking in on weinergate

You've seen his bulge.  And I know you love it.

and getting weather updates from Kim Kardashian's uterus (cloudy with a chance of whore). 


During the travel segment I'd get to travel to exotic places all over the world to explore new cultures (just like the cast of Jersey Shore) and tour architectural destinations and saucy interiors.  And ghost hunt in them.  With Chip Coffey and some pyschic kids.

We'd have the best time finding the White Witch, Chip.

Then I'd meet Andrew Zimmern to watch him eat the local cuisine while I just stick to the jar of peanut butter I packed with me.  Or not if there are scallops involved.

You so nasty, Daddy.  I love it.

I'd like to offer practical advise as well so Kenny fucking Powers can give us tips on how to throw a fastball or I'll include a short segment by Brini Maxwell on crafting and how to appropriately accessorize for all us fancy ladies.

At the end of each show I'll have some final thoughts on fabulosity just with you and me where I read you a poem I wrote after downing a bottle of wine, do some interpretive dance to the Law&Order sound repeated on a continuous loop or just talk in depth about rainbows.  Whatever is most relevant to my soul at the time. 


So until this show of amazing awesomeness gets made my favorite show will have to be It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

(That's just this week.  Obviously my favorite show of all time is Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Duh.  Ahahahaha just kidding - it's Perfect Strangers.)


Go check out the other favorite guilty pleasure tv shows of the rest of the Let's Blog Off participants here!  If none of them say my fake show I will be really pissed off.