Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Happy Fourth of July where the finalists will get a chance to compete at Fashion Week.

While the rest of you Sousa-playing 'Mericans were out settin shit on fiyah and celebrating your 'Mericanexiness the Madame was, well, kinda doing the same thing with some peeps at the Ranch.  No Expectations style, of course.  There WAS a crock pot involved for chrissake so how classy could it be?  But for our festivities replace Sousa with the Hoarders marathon on in the background and the only fiyah we had was the look in my eye when the peach pie came out.  It burned with an intensity that could have dwarfed a million suns.  

I like pie.

I also like culinary experimentation and vodka.  Oddly enough the two frequently appear together and on this Fourth of July in this year of Divine Fabulosity 2011, the Pomoj was born.

The Pomoj (po-MAHJ) is a mixture of Pomegranate vodka, POM juice and OJ which just happened to be the only drinkable things in my fridge mixed together in some combination to your liking.  I couldn't even tell you the ratio but you really can't go wrong.  So pleasing was it to the taste buds attendees were inspired to style a quick photo.  The new kitchen does that to people.  

The resulting picture was so pleasing to the eyeballs that the first annual ModSauce Design and Styling Competition of Amazing Awesomeness was born.  

Using the cocktail and whatever objet d'art is nearby each person had to make magic happen:
Nice use of a mini bottle of Crown Royal - keeps it classy - and the greenery provides movement and energy.


The simple yet elegant composition could have only come from the architect in the group.

We need to hurry up because the ice is melting and I'm thirsty...
This is the Madame's entry as you can see from the Venuto head making a shy appearance, the plastic trailer in the background and it's googley-eyed shell animal inhabitant. 


I was drinking the Pomoj at this point...
However I think the real winner of the impromptu quickfire challenge is this stunning display of Americana - the booze and fireworks; the delight of colors and contrasting textures; the juxtaposition of classical, kitsch and modern.  Perfection captured in an iPhone.   

We must be all dorks of the highest order because this was the best thing to happen on any Fourth of July celebration I've been to in a long time that didn't actively involve gunpowder.  Some people like to incorporate the usual family traditions and heritage into their holiday celebrations but I like to save that for Christmas and Thanksgiving where I can use it to torture myself and my family with painful memories.  Whatever other traditions that were once forced on me fizzled like a dying sparkler used to write out raunchy words on the night sky.  Except for traditions that actually included sparklers. I still like those at ALL holidays.  Makes Arbor Day that much more fun.  And raunchy.

Who needs traditions when you have a Pomoj, a camera phone and a few minutes of free time?  Apparently I still do because there was no stopping our creativity and it was so fun we've decided to make it a tradition for next year.  For America.  

Spurred by success in the kitchen we continued with our new holiday non-traditional tradition elimination challenge and the rules are:  1 shared item.  5 minutes of styling.  5 photos.  Unlimited opportunities. 

Good thing I have so much junk at my house for styling purposes.  In this case a weird blue cloud vase with golden neck that everyone was now forced to use in this made up competition.  O beautiful for spacious skies and all...

"Preexisting Condition"
Tortured yet innocent American soul in a white prison cell possibly run by the Iranian guard or kitteh taking a nap underneath the watchful eye of a Jonathan Adler vase?  You decide.  But the asymmetry keeps me off balance in a good way.  Vern Yip wants to spoon that slumbering kitty.



"Grounded"
The snail, his colorful fantasy trapped in a cold glass box, can only dream of a life far beyond the clouds to a world where he is a ram racing with the speed of the wind.  A magical world with basil so big it'll make Tom Colicchio have to change his pants.  Just like on Pandora.

I need to quit buying so much shit.
"The Story of O (as in Omigawd those shoes hurt so much and I can't wear them outside of the house)"
Looking like she came straight from the Real Simple School of Styling is your favorite saucy lady person with a collection of blue things so deeply insightful as to make your ovaries explode.  Those are the harvested eggs in the jar up front.  Is it a commentary on the box (or lady sphere) that we force gender into or just a dyed-to-match orgasmisplosion of boring?  Nina Garcia looks unimpressed.



"vine not included"
A stark portrayal of the nature of catalog life in this country, "vine not included" is a lonely look into America's spending habits.  Or is it a story about the phallic thrust of commercialism in this country as it ultimately falls limp on the consumer.  Good gawd not another Pottery Barn catalog in the mail, shit!  You just killed Kelly Wearstler AND unfortunate amounts of trees.

No winner was determined in this elimination challenge but feel free to vote for your favorite in the comments.  The winner gets another Pomoj, a chance to fantasy dry hump Jonathan Adler and a signed picture of the blue cloud vase.  I'll sign it, not the vase - that would be stupid.  The rest of the losers get 5 minutes of uninterrupted face time with Michael Kors as he looks down his nose in disgust.

I think in the generous spirit of not forcing traditions on people and just letting them happen organically I'm going to start a ModernSauce competition where I force all of my readers to use one item - an apple or decapitated Barbie Doll, you know, things everyone has - and make you ghetto style it using shit you already have in your house.  If enough people send in pictures I'll post it on the blog for public consumption, ridicule and shaming.  How else do you properly show your love for the old US of A (or this blog) than by making a glossy editorial of weird shit you've spent your money on?!  

In the case of a tie, a winner will be determined by RuPaul after a runway walk.  It's the most American thing I can possibly think of.

The Let's Blog Off gang - hooligans who twice monthly offer up common topics for us bloggers to get chatty about - are talking all about traditions today.  So was I as it seems.  Not on purpose but it worked out that way.  I just go where the Pomoj takes me.  To read all about what other people are thinking about traditions go check out the rest of the participants here.  

19 comments:

  1. My boss now thinks the breakdown I told him could happen today has in fact begun, because of the uncontrollable laughter emitting from my office.

    Breakdowns happen when you forget to find a doctor in your new town (I've only had a year, puh-leeze!)and your perscription you thought had another month's refills says zero! I'm searching for a *doc in a box* to give me drugs, you know the *good* stuff, syntrhoid, effexor & nexxium!

    As always, I loved it, Madame! I am going to work on stylizing a pic for you as soon as I get drugs!

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  2. Kitty and what appears to look like he just pulled a cheech and chong hands down winner!!!!


    Kitty beats everything.

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  3. Way to start my day with a smile!

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  4. Brenda - So (not) sorry for possibly getting you in trouble. Good luck with your breakdown prevention efforts - might want to throw in some Valium too?! ; )

    Bri - One vote for stoner kitty!!

    The Fine Life - Our pleasure! We had a pretty good time - I think the reader competition is a must!

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  5. I vote for kitty. And I'm making myself a Pomoj!

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  6. Hey, this was a Hank Williams kind of tradition!

    In keeping with the Williams' undying love of the juice I'll vote for the bottle of crown!

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  7. susie q - Noted! Who doesn't love a kitteh?!

    James - Hank might have been a little disappointed with our photo stylings rather than sex, drugs and rock n'roll but we had fun just the same. ; )

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  8. Tis true, your post didn't include the local authorities or a throw down.

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  9. Madame, crisis averted, found a very nice *doc in a box* and got my script for the drugs & have actually ingested the necessary doseage...not if I fall apart, I will just have to blame it on menopause! LOL

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  10. James - It's like Hank Lite around here. ; )

    Brenda - I've talked about a lot of personal info on this blog but I think this is the first time menopause has actually come up! Good for you.

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  11. Can you believe I actually wondered for a second if stoner kitty was Charlemagne? I'm guessing she actually had her paw in the pie crust.

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  12. Kittehs are *SO* June. Get with the program, Oprah, and show the snail some love. I mean, seriously, its JULY already - hello?!

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  13. Also, any chance you can get Nicky Minaj to be the official sponsor of Pomoj? Lucrative, I say!

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  14. I think Kitty had too much Pomoj. Not sure if I shouldn't be notifying the authorities!

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  15. Kim - I bought that cat for $1 in hopes that one day Charlemagne would stand next to it for .5 seconds and I could take a hilarious picture but no such luck. That bitch.

    Franco - oooh black barbie needs to be all up in this! Like Jay-Z has his vodka and this could be hers... but we'd get more money. And don't be hatin' on everyone liking the kitty better than your snail!

    Ginny - any cat who lives here is probably more of a party animal than I am.

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  16. I don't know, man. That just strikes me as a hell of a lot of work for a drink. Personally, I have Bud at the ready as I'm typing this. Later on I might really get frisky and have a CC on the rocks. It's as adventurous as I get!

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  17. Pouring a few things into a glass is too much work?! Man, you're missing out! ; ) Hope you enjoyed that Bud!

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  18. Couldn't you get a picture of the kitty dry-humping the fridge?

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  19. GENIUS!!! Next time, friend. Next time...

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