So close yet so far...

I was a beast this weekend doing loads of important things like yard work and buying makeup.  Finding the perfect liquid liner is a feat that requires cunning and skill and should not be attempted haphazardly or without a strong dose of caffeine to fortify you on your quest.  But not too much because a jittery hand makes for uneven application.   

When I wasn't saving the world with my winged eyeliner I also emptied my closet of things that I would rather forget I actually spent money on and ended up donating 7 bags of former fabulosity to the Goodwill.  I was so proud of all my hard work I rewarded myself with some playtime on the internet!  Oh who are we kidding - I play on the internet all the time anyway but this time I didn't feel guilty like I should have been doing something productive instead.  I had already saved the world with gently used slacks and a well kept lawn so I was free!

So I stumbled across this tumblr where things started out okay but then became increasingly buzzkill-y.  Images that seemed so promising in a thumbnail or at first glance turned out to be weird, unnerving or just wrong.

For instance:

Ooh this looks sleek and dramatic!  Lemme enlarge it:

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Oh now it's the saddest bathroom I've ever seen.  If the sight of your dark face bleakly lit by those stupid industrial lights reflected in the skinny prison mirrors doesn't depress you enough just take a gander at the orphan portrait in the center.  No amount of flowers will brighten up that morning.  You had such promise in the thumbnail but now I'm just singing the songs from Oliver!!!!

But I didn't learn my lesson because hey this dining room looks pretty cool!

until...

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Omigawd, omigawd, omigawd...  I feel so uncomfortable now.  Where am I supposed to look while we're eating brunch?  If I don't look at the art or comment on it I think that means I'm racist by default for avoiding the elephant in the room and I'm not racist but I'm Southern so I have to overcompensate by being overly liberal and tolerant which I am already but how much liberal is enough liberal to make people feel like I'm not a Southern stereotype???  DO I HAVE TO HAVE A SOCIO-POLITICAL TEST BEFORE I EAT SOME GAWDDAMNED MUFFINS????!  I hope they serve Pepcid after the quiche because my stomach hurts...

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I kinda dig that couch without the stupid fur vomit and this whole loft is pretty cool with that sleek and elegant staircase and OMIGAWD THOSE ARE ANTS!

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Wow.  Those windows are like looking into the misty eyes of a unicorn and I could blog the shit out of some things in front of them.  The desk/stair combo unit really rocked my world too until I realized there is no fucking stair rail!  Maybe the rest of you people can tap into your internal Mary Lou Retton but I would die a really horrible bone-breaking death and probably land all up on your computer (I hope you backed up) if I put on a pair of high heels, wore socks, had to run down the stairs too fast to get to the fridge, had to run upstairs too fast to pee or just any normal daily activity where I'm actually walking, talking and breathing at the same time.  Fuck you, B!

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If I actually make it up the stairs to the kinda cool bedroom I will surely die PUTTING MY SHOES ON which would be a shame.  At even closer inspection I noticed the Chanel bag in the bottom right hand corner of this picture in a vignette that is so lame it might make me throw myself off the balcony if I hadn't already fallen into the office/unicorn eyeball observatory.  

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Ooooh sparkley!  I could get behind that purple velvet and strangely enough I don't hate the Honesuckit Pink accents but wait...  Are those Lack tables...??  ARE there glossy Lack tables?  Why would you create a table that looks like something you could get for $15??  Coffee table fail.

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I would so love to have a Flashdance moment in front of those windows and I'm a maniac for that ceiling!  The low furniture seems cozy and holy ever-loving shit those are pallets!  Fuck.  Room = total ruination.

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I also really liked this kitchen with it's oddly placed skylight (?) and pretty cabinets until I noticed the grouping of giant vegetables that looked like several people were going to be severely violated in the near future.  Great.  Now I'm totally turned off about this WHOLE space because of the ensuing salad orgy.  Take heed stylists!  Just use lemons.  9 out of 10 doctors agree they are the universally accepted food prop of bland interiors everywhere.


Lesson learned: eyeliner is its own reward.

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Red lips too.  I just didn't know if the world could handle both from me in the same weekend.