Design Cliche: Pandora's L-U-X-U-R-Y Box

'Pandora's L-U-X-U-R-Y box' is not code for some high-class hooker's chocha, I'm talking about the panty-creaming pandemonium that happens when design groupies see every stylists' best friend: the Hermes box.

old ad via Studio Judith

Now, the Madame is a little torn because orange is my shade for this year (I'll totally blog about that when I get around to it....) and stacking useless things is the only way I know how to decorate thanks to years of Domino.  Also I'm essentially white trash so if I was ever in possession of an Hermes box you bet your ass I'd display it.  It'd be the the first stop when guests take the design tour* of the ModSauce Ranch. First stop: Hermes box.  Second stop: Charlemagne's wing.  Third stop: Venuto.  Fourth stop: wrinkled Sferra sheets in unmade bed.  Fifth stop: the box of wine.  Just kidding.  The box of wine is the first stop.


*Guests could also take the Ghost Porn Tour but it's more expensive because of the seance and all the wet wipes used.**


**Unless you bring your own.

But I'm going to take a guess that people who decorate like this aren't white trash and probably have money and taste so they don't really have my reasonings as an excuse.  Their stacking of Hermes is probably equivalent to me keeping and displaying all my boxes from Payless Shoes.  And I would never do that. (again)

previous two via A Gift Wrapped Life

Apartment Therapy says when you see that a box in that shade of orange it instantly spells L-U-X-U-R-Y.  I can say it instantly spells    A-S-S-H-O-L-E to me.  But more of a hoarder type asshole.  With a lot more money than me and free time possibly some time spent shopping on ebay for empty boxes.  

I have a feeling that when you open one of these empty boxes evil does in fact come out.  It's like  a Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark whooshing but instead of killing Nazis it releases a sad blanket of banality, pretentiousness and forced L-U-X-U-R-Y.  It smells like musty cardboard and sweaty desperation which is like Edward Cullen sparkle pheromones to design groupies hence the aforementioned panty-creaming pandemonium.  

'LOOK AT ME, GAWDAMMIT, I'M FANCY!!!!!' it says.

previous three by Sara Story via High-Heeled Foot in the Door

And then there's Herve Pierre's apartment from the Selby...

not gonna lie... that lavender and orange clash in a good way for me.

...but I can't really *eyeroll* too much on this one because he's foreign and eccentric and therefore infinitely cooler than me and probably stacking Hermes boxes is just normal.  Also he seems like a kinda cool dude.

Buuuut the pumpkin shit really hit the fan recently with this dude's apartment.  Just look at what he has...

via Martha Stewart

He is definitely not foreign or eccentric.  

I discovered I'm not the only one: Small and Chic feels the same way.  Bless you.

Here they are just hanging out in the shower for the photo shoot I suppose.  He just likes to display them to impress guests with his L-U-X-U-R-Y status but not for a national photo shoot.  That would be tacky!!

I guaran-damn-tee you that someone is at Hobby Lobby right now buying boxes and orange paint and making a 'crafty' version.  See - the evils of banality, forced L-U-X-U-R-Y and the dreaded DIY have already been unleashed upon our world.


Think I'm gonna go make a stop at the box of wine...


And then maybe go to ebay...

This makes me exceedingly happy.

here

I need a rock tumbler and paintbrush, stat.

I've been stalking these paintings for a few months and finally decided to feature them all in one post because, well...  I think that's the point of a blog.  But I'm not really sure what the point really is so if someone finds out just give me a holler.  In the meantime...  look, jewels!!

From the artist Carly Waito who paints minerals, jewels and geological stuffs like a badass.  Wearing rocks on your wrist is sooo over.  Sorry rappers.  Here in 2010 we put our ice on our walls. 

As my psychics have always told me gemstones and crystals have healing powers so you can pick what you need help with and then buy the corresponding painting.  Genius!!  Just look at what the above painting of amethyst will help you with:

Amethyst is the color that you see in the sky as twilight transitions into night. Amethyst takes you on this transition from the magic time of dusk to a conscious shift into a different place. Crossing this threshold is the lesson of humility, which Amethyst can teach us. This stone can show us how to let go and trust; surrender so that you may see beyond the cycle that consumes your attention; give it all up, so that you can receive more; and bow, that you may become a part of the greater whole. Amethyst is considered a Master Healing stone.

I certainly didn't know I could learn humility from amethyst!  This stuff is awesome!  Although my real problem this summer is ants.  Do you think there's a stone that I could buy a painting of to get rid of the ants that are trying to take over the ModSauce ranch?  Oh and I need a stone for crabgrass too.  That bullshit they sell at the hardware store sucks ass.  I need to teach that crabgrass some fucking humility.  I don't know who it thinks it is...

yeah.  a painting...

I don't know how big these are but I hope they are about 4' tall.  Oversized artwork like this says 'I'm rich but like to keep it real cuz I like nature and shit.'  

Ok I just found out they're about 6" tall...  I'd still buy one.  If I could afford it.  (spoiler alert: I probably can't.  I've spent all my money on weed killer.)

But since I can't paint (yet!) I could try to use the ZQ9000042 Camera of Amazing Awesomeness and maybe take some pictures like this.  

here

Ehhh?!  Ehhh?!  *eyebrow wiggle*


All I need is a piece of black velvet and some shiny things.  Done.

Fear and loathing in Chattavegas.

In case you can't tell from all my other ramblings ModernSauce is, in fact, a design blog.  I know, right??!!  Even I forget sometimes.  But I'm easily distracted and... hey, do I smell bacon??

*bacon hunt ensues*

Particularly I like looking at style trends because it doesn't make me feel inadequate like when I talk about design accessories that I can't afford and I can just ramble on and on about global issues and pretty things while in my pj's here in Chattavegas and no one can stop me.  Mwahahahahahah!  In fact, Bmoxie Bmore asked me to ramble about some stuff last week.  I chose to ramble about my job and trends because [see previous sentence]. 

To illustrate my ramblings I used some images by South-African Li Edelkoort (found via the ever-inspirational Busy Being Fabulous) from her trend forecast for Summer 2010 and 2011.   Here is an overview of her presentation:

"Her research has shown that for the past ten years we have been living in fear. The 1990's were marked by (amongst other things) the Gulf War, ecological disasters, Ebola, genocide, genetic engineering and Y2K. While many of the younger generation were optimistic about the future especially in light of the fall of the Berlin wall, the introduction of the internet and a rise in youth cultures, all generations looked to the turning of the millennium as pivotal point. For one year thereafter the world looked forward to the new century, until the September 11 2001 attack in New York.

The world started to fall apart from this point. We became scared of everything. Black and white viewpoints arose, grouping people into diametrically opposed groups. Security became our number one priority. In South Africa this was marked by an increase in violent crime and a corresponding increase in personal security. The world also started to fear dramatic climate change, food shortages, bird flu, genetically engineered foods, identity theft, water scarcity, poisonous toys and terrorists attacks. Every aspect of our experience had an element of fear.

What Li notes as being different about this current crisis is the world's reaction to it. In the past financial crises were marked by a return to basics ideology. Fashion was marked by minimalism - a sort of atonement for the sins of our excesses. This time the crisis is not of our making - blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the financial institutions. So we have nothing to atone for. But we have been presented, instead, with the opportunity to re-centre ourselves, to narrow our focus to our local environment and to project our dreams of our changed future."

I could probably make a post about each of these boards below but that's a lot of work and I still haven't found any bacon.  Besides, Li did a pretty good job.  The recent past has been all about fear and the future is about optimism - in terms of Design.  The kind of optimism that envokes flowers and ribbons and pastels and *shudders* fairies.  Hey, she's just the messenger after all.  I gravitate towards the themes with darker undercurrents because I'm deep and mysterious - like the Ally Sheedy character from the Breakfast Club.  But I bet I smell better...  And eat my cereal in a bowl.  Waaay less self-loathing and lots more smiling too...  Ok I'm nothing like her really.  I can't believe I just wasted that awesome blog title for nothing...  shit. 

Creative Craft

"Handcrafted and heartfelt. Craft represents our rich heritages and our love for things made with care."   I am enraptured by that center picture...

Illustrated Illusions

"The stuff of fairytales. Children's picture books offer a wealth of inspiration."

Evanescent Elegance

"This story is about layering. It is light and transparent, airy and uplifting. It is without pomposity."

Scribbled Scenarios

"Doodles and scribbles that reveal secrets about ourselves. Telling stories with lines."

Folded Volumes

"Converting 2d into 3d."

Photographic Memory

"Faded photos replace our memories. Captured emotions from times gone by."

Watercolour Floral

"Lazy, languid summer days filled with summer blossoms."

Mapping Lifestyle

"This trend is more of a mindset than a storyboard. It relates to us finding our new boundaries, our identities and purposes."
 

Tachistic Energy

"This is really a print and accessories direction. Drawn from the art movement of the 1940s and 1950s (derived from the French word tache - stain)."

One of my favorites.  that blue and gold combo will be making another appearance on MS soon...

You can see more boards and read more of Li's analysis here.  Interesting to note these were actually presented in 2009.  Yeah.  Suck on that "design bloggers!!"  Oh wait...

The pervy princess and the wrinkled pea.

Perhaps you saw the House Beautiful last month where we all went to bed with Kelly Wearstler. She's lounging in a suite at the Tides hotel with her botox stare random collection of odd accessories she calls decorating lately.  

Gawd I could not hate that lamp/mirror combo any more.  Just me?

The hotel always uses Sferra linens of course.  You know, that Italian brand that I read about in magazines and Kdubs designs for.  I don't have a lot of first-hand experience with their products because I don't think they even let the Sunday types of Madames in the stores that carry them.

Bedding collection = yes.  Headboard = raunchy.

I was all 'fuck you and your expensive hotel sheets made of caviar, silk and the skin of paupers!!' (I really don't know anything about rich people so I dislike them on principle just because I'm not one and don't have fancy things.  Except the Venuto of course).  However, I was recently gallivanting around my local Tuesday Morning (shut up) and saw a set of Sferra sheets.  Whhaaaaa...???!  Silken pauper skin within my reach?!  I dropped my 'principles' faster than you can say 'dueling banjos' and picked up the package.  It was an angel white set of hemstitched sheets originally $800 marked down here for $150 and henceforth known as The Precious.  

Like these.  But ONLY 600 thread count.  Wah wah waaaaaaah....

Checking that there were no witnesses I unzipped the bag about an inch, as far as the stupid alarm would allow, and shoved a finger in.  I think my knees gave out for a second.  I don't really know what $800 worth of linens feel like but I'm pretty sure my finger touched heaven.  I felt like a pervert standing in the back aisle of a dirty Tuesday Morning fingering a set of sheets but I feel pretty confident you would have done the exact same thing.  DON'T YOU FUCKING JUDGE ME!!!!  But alas I didn't really NEED more sheets (you know, I'm all about controlling excess) so I put them back...  But not after whispering sweet sweet words of forbidden love to them.  One day my Precious...

Raked Sand

After a few weeks dreaming dirty Sferra dreams on my sheets made of burlap and sandpaper I knew I had to go back and make The Precious mine.  Sometimes living in the ghetto has pretty good perks because they were exactly where I left them 3 weeks ago.  So now that I was trying to make an honest woman out of these things I was kinda at a loss of what to do with them.  I think I just sat and looked at them in the package for a few minutes.  As far as home furnishings go, they are way far out of my league.  I'm no brand whore (even if I molest sheets) but just the name makes me sweat and stutter having them in my house.  I always wash sheets before you put them on a bed because, um... ewww, but I don't have filtered water poured straight from the heavens and blessed by unicorns and I'm sure my washing machine is far too rough for the gentle massaging that these sheets require.  You're supposed to just softly coax the dirt out I think...  I'm sure the factory where these are made has lots of little Italian cherubs flitting around and has suffused the sheets with a magical protective layer of satin sugar that I was hesitant to wash away.  Maybe I can just throw them in the dryer with a dryer sheet to help retain a little of the cherub essence and because warm = clean right?

Tracery

In the end I did in fact end up washing them because they smelled like plastic and perverts from Tuesday Morning.  It's best to get The Precious accustomed to life here at the MS ranch.  You're mine now bitches!  Welcome to the rest of you life where you will be washed in water that comes in through 50-year-old pipes, spend your nights covering my chipped pedicure and will NEVER be ironed! mwahahahaha!!!

$1800 Cashmere blanket.  On the ground.  Sigh...

I'm not sure what I was expecting (magic Italian cherub something...) but they ARE cotton sheets so of course they came out of my dryer a wrinkled mess.  Fuckin A.  You're supposed to take The Precious out of the dryer while still damp but my dryer only has the 'still sopping wet' and 'omigod that jean rivet just burned my arm' temperature levels so I missed the critical time window for removal.  The sugar satin protective coating was gone and I was left with far rougher and less glowy sheets.  Madame not happy.  Against my better judgement and everything I believe in I ironed those fuckers.  But only the top sheet!!!  Okay, and the pillow cases...   I hate myself a little.

Exactly what my bed looks like.  After all that work I may or may not have shaved my legs, 
exfoliated and given myself a fresh pedicure for our first encounter...

I spent some time tossing and turning in my new purchase before falling into my required beauty sleep.  Despite the remaining soft luster and perfect hems these are still some high maintenance bitches that (should) involve special detergent and manual labor and all that makes me cranky.  Or maybe I was cranky because my delicate princess skin chafed at the difference between the original price tag and resulting product.  These sheets probably came from the value line at Sferra since just ONE sheet can be $800 and my skin knows the difference (it doesn't).  I'll have to suck it up and deal because I'm never going to iron The Precious again.  Having exceptional taste can be such a burden.  


However, even wrinkled they are pretty damn nice for the Madame.  Not $800 nice but nice.  I guess I'll thank myself in 5 years when I'm still sleeping on The Precious and they are still crisp and white and have softened to a glowy perfection.  These are INVESTMENT linens!!  That snowy cotton drift at the foot of my bed is like a contribution to my bedroom's style IRA.  A wrinkled and high maintenance contribution but I'm banking on the compound interest of quality.


Of course now these sheets make everything else in my bedroom look like it came from a crack house.  


Ok the dresser did come from a crack house but still...  


I'll just wait til Tuesday Morning has some really really fancy furniture.  Like Pottery Barn...

This makes me exceedingly happy.

The world's largest tree house:

article here

Built (and continually being built) by Horace Burgess after God spoke to him in 1993 and told him to build a treehouse.  It's 10 stories, almost 10,000 square feet and is a church complete with chime tower on top.  I need to go here immediately. 

here

Frank Kehran

258,000 nails, give or take a few, he says.  I believe him.

here

 from Baking with Medusa

I can't find a good picture but the two ropes in the middle of the picture are tied to a folding lawn chair to make a 10 story rope swing.  Fuck.  Yeah.

Guess what?  It's only two hours away from the ModSauce ranch in Cumberland County, TN.  Why no one told me about this I don't know.  Let's pack up the  ZQX87000&@% Camera of Amazing Awesomeness and load up on gummi bears, Mountain Dew and Combos because I feel a road trip coming on.

Well played unoriginal and impulsive hipsters. Well played.

I was really bored inspired one day this past winter and drew this:

This whole post is just to show you my mad Photoshop skillz.

I only did it so I could make some lame 'bluffin with your muffin' joke that was really relevant at the time but the whole thing was so boring I fell asleep before I could fin...zzzzzzzzzz.  

And then I saw this today:

here

That tattoo is for like ever.  Suck on that mindless design groupies!  ahahahahahaha!!!