Livin' on a prayer. And a swanky bed.

Channing Tatum, y'all.  

That big, beige potato head that probably smells like the inside of a boy's shoe is the sexiest man alive.  Think I'll have to move to Canada with all the anti-healthcare Republicans to avoid the imminent disaster that is our country.  

But hopefully he can follow in the footsteps of other Sexiest Mens Alives like Edward Scissorhands and Gay Wolverine.  And don't forget about 2-time winner Benjamin 'Brad Pitt' Button who has gone on to do great things like grow lots of facial hair. 

In honor of Thanksgiving week let's remember all the good things Brad has done for the community like donating money to the Human Rights Campaign to fight for marriage equality (in Maine, Maryland and Washington and that turned out pretty well).  He also helped rebuild New Orleans with his Make It Right Foundation (don't even get me started again on that again...ugh) in addition to continually blessing us with his handsome visage.

I'm starting to sound insane...

...

But Mr. Jolie Pitt just keeps. on. giving. to the world with his new furniture line.

...

Christ on a cracker, that's ugly.

OH DEAR GAWD IT'S WORSE FROM THE SIDE! (Just like me)

Brad has had a constant design boner after taking a course in college on a whim where it quote Changed His Life end quote.  Since then he's been collecting women, children and super fancy furniture.

A few years ago he was having a reproduction Emile-Jacques Ruhlmann desk installed (yes "installed" not delivered(?) according to AD) when the maker of said reproduction and other exquisite Art Deco furniture pieces, Frank Pollaro, saw Brad's sketchbook and squeed his manties.  He immediately asked Brad if they could collabo like Jay-Z and Kanye on some bitchin' furniture.  Brad scratched his goatee in brief contemplation and then acquiesced.  They high-fived.

At least, that's how I imagine that exchange went down.

I'd be a little upset if some dude read my diary and looked at my private sketches but I guess rich people are different and also my sketches are of me as a woodland nymph having woodland sex with a woodland centaur and THAT SHIT IS TOTALLY PRIVATE, MOM.

So this diary-reading, opportunity-slut (that's a compliment), glorified furniture delivery installer Pollaro dude is just a working boy from New Jersey that decided his life's goal is to recreate Art Deco's finest and snobbiest king of furniture.

*Tommy used to work on the docks...* 

Backstory and picture from Forbes

Aww... he's kind of adorable in an Eddie Bauer/furniture dictator kind of way.  

Ruhlmann, if you don't know - and I didn't - was apparently maniacally elitist and was quoted in a 1920 magazine interview as saying "Only the very rich can pay for what is new and they alone can make it fashionable."  

Hold my glass of boxed wine, y'all.  I'm gonna need to sit down and rethink my life after that bombshell.

Ruhlmann moved to the top spot of my "Dead assholes invited to my next casserole party" when he added "Fashions don't start among the common people.  Along with satisfying a desire for change, fashion's real purpose is to display wealth."  

And somewhere Donald Trump just jizzed dollar bills into his silk pantaloons.

This is the reason I don't spend hours trolling on 1st Dibs.  Naturally, rich people today are covetous of Ruhlmann's work but totally because of his amazing art and stuff and not because they feel the same way about money.

But mad props to Pollaro whose life's goal is to be a master of craftsmanship probably unparalleled in today's world.  But I think you can see how the Pollaro-Pitt relationship blossomed.

*We've got each other and that's a lot...*

Here they are in Pitt's wine cellar in France (my eyeballs involuntarily rolled when I type that) talking about Brad's diary.  After a helluva a lot of wine and numerous 10 hour discussions, y'all about their mutual love for tropical hardwoods that probably involved the word "transcendent" far more than is necessary, they created this...

A bed made of mutual masturbation, exposed nickel trusses, integrated shagreen foot pads (???), nickel side tables covered in silk.  This one bed took over two years to create because of the "difficult physics and engineering issues related to the simplicity of the design," says Pollaro.

Now I know for sure these motherfuckers are high because that's the most complicated bed I've ever seen.  And my mind is now flooded with images of Tyler Durden and a pair of yellow rubber gloves using that bench for leverage. 

My mind is also flooded with this image:

The Homer.

Restraint.  It is not found in a wine cellar in France.

Once these two dudes saw this sketch-turned-real-life-fuckery they congratulated each other with bro hugs and decided to exhibit the bed as well as a create a full line of Brad's drawings.

One of those pieces being this two-person bathtub.

Perfect for Tommy and Gina.

Fill with guacamole or Chanel No. 5 - your choice.  Even after two years I don't think these designs are finished considering the image above is from Architectural Digest but this one from the NYTimes is a different design.  Hhmmm...??  

*Cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not...*

Also included in the line is this curvy white chair that I actually kinda dig in a monolithic sort of way.

Until I looked at it from the front and realized it was made of white patent leather and those two inserts sewn into the arms remind me of maxi pads.  No prices were given but Pollaro says some pieces may be significantly upwards of $45,000 but if they went into regular production they'd be much cheaper.

Oh thank gawd.  Because pleather - while easy to Swiffer and great for making my thighs make gross noises when I try to stand up - is really out of my price range.

Other possibly-$45,000 items include a side table that Chiasso probably introduced six years ago.

Or maybe this side table finished in 24-karat gold is more your bag, baby.  I do like shiny.

It's kinda cool except for its 24-KARAT GOLD existence is an assault on my humanity.  I feel like if this table is actually purchased by another human being then we are about 6 months away from the Hunger Games.  I can only shoot a gun, not a bow and arrow, so I'm fucked.

I'm not hating on this table below either even though I have a phobia about glass tops and this whole paperclip thing really isn't my personal taste.  Trying to be generous.  It's Thanksgiving and all.

The NY Times interviewed four designers for their take on Brad's line and they could barely mask their disdain and it is worth a read.  When asked if anyone would have one of the pieces in their home, Kurt Anderson answered "Possibly [this] oval table - in a guest room of a second home, if I owned a second home."   Ooh, burn. 

Kurt - my new best friend - also described Brad's line as " 'Swanky.  Which is the word I've used for many years to describe expensive, curvy, shiny modern things meant to look stylish.' "  

Come sit by me, Kurt.

When responding to all of the designers' comments, Pollaro said after working with Pitt for thousands of hours he's "impressed by his commitment to express his own artistic vision."  Maybe that's code for ole Frankie wanted to jump on the Jolie-Pitt gravy train but instead was trapped in a French basement with a drunk goat herder for two years talking wood veneers and bullshit beds and now he just wants to die alone.  In America. 

Say no more, Frankie.  We've all seen the crazy Brad before.  Just blink twice if you need us to call the police.

Things could have been good.  This tiny maquette of wire makes me exceedingly happy and seems nicer than the oval table above.  Surely it wasn't all design masturbation, was it?

*Take my hand and we'll make it I swear...*

I'd eat some pizza rolls off that.

Brad Pitt seems to have Multiple Designer Personality Disorder.  He also seems to have highlighted the fact that while you and I are worried about whether or not people will notice we replaced half of the cornbread dressing with dryer lint because food prices are getting jacked up, some people are manufacturing gold-plated tables and beds so complex and rare of material that only nine are being made.  Nine.

But don't worry, designers!  The NYT agrees that product designers have a thankless job so you're probably encouraged to see that Brad Pitt "respects" what you do but also "takes pains" to be one of you.  

That's the sweet, sweet smell of validation wafting through the air right now.

So fuck your education, your student loan debt, your possibly unpaid internship, your thankless 60 hour work weeks, your shitty pay, your lack of a social life and the swallowing of your own ego.  None of that is even necessary to be successful.  

In fact, you should feel grateful that someone is finally taking pains to shine a light on all the hard work that you do by spending two years jacking off to the splendor of their own ideas with an unlimited budget, the finest materials on the planet and no regard for potential customers.  

Make sure to include Brad Pitt when you say grace this Thursday.

*You live for the fight when it's all that you've got...*

Your move, Channing Tatum.

I think it's time to beat this one-trick pony to death.

There are a few things I'm excited to leave behind in 2011 - many of them are leggings-as-pants jokes and moves that in any way resemble Mick Jagger.  But there is one thing that I hope we can collectively agree to limit this year.  NOT WINE!!  Don't worry.  Nothing as drastic as that.

But seriously...

I  just fell asleep and it had nothing to do with the bed.

I would absolutely fight a Care Bear to the death in the Mad Max Thunderdome to own an actual Mouille lighting fixture but y'all...   It's in eh-vuh-ry room I see on the internet and just because a room has it doesn't automatically elevate it to the status of panty-creaming awesomeness.  The lamp by itself, for sure.  

The space where the couch doesn't meet the wall makes me ill.

These rooms are from a hotel suite designed by fashion designer Azzedine Alaia.  It's in Paris because of course it is.  From the Yatzer article: 

"The fashion designer’s aim was to achieve a true feeling of a home away from home. It is important to have the luxury of a hotel but at the same time to open the door and feel that you are somewhere familiar and close to you." 

Nothing makes me feel more at home and comfortable than if I've walked into a sterile space filled with pieces fit for a decorative arts museum!  It's mostly because I confuse personality with expensive shopping and as a result am completely sterile on the inside!!!!!

I'm fine if some people like these rooms - they're not for me but all of us are beautiful butterflies of blah blah blah we all have different tastes.  

However, putting something well-crafted into a space does not automatically make the space well-crafted.  It makes it well-curated.  And I guess if you're of the fashion and design elite that is Azzedine's clientele the difference might not matter but it matters to this hillbilly who is drinking a white chocolate martini out of a mason jar because the real glasses were too far away.  (That was some poor space planning when I did the kitchen...)  But I'm watching Downton Abbey so I DO feel fancy enough to comment about other people's interiors.

So can we all agree to not pathologically lose our bloggy shit when we see a space that's only redeeming quality appears to be access to money and an afternoon spent on 1st Dibs?  There ARE other light fixtures out there and I challenge real designers to find them!  

Magazine editors, we're not that stupid!  You can change things up every now and again and we will like it.  I swear.  Well, those other bloggers might...

I make no guarantees about what happens inside the Ranch.  Especially after an extra large mason jar full of booze...

You thought I was kidding, didn't you?

Dear Santa,

I know you are the wisest of the magi so I don't even need to tell you that I've been a very good girl this year in all the sauciest ways.  So when I look underneath the tree this year I pray to the little baby jeebus in the manger wearing a gold diaper that I find a beautifully wrapped package that would make Martha Stewart shit her granny prison panties and then take that shit and bake a wonderfully delicious cake with it.  Then I want to open that box and find the strength not to cut a bitch who ever wears this outfit anywhere within a 50 miles of me:

Considering this picture has been reblogged almost 9000 times on tumblr I feel like this is a gift that will no doubt prove useful to humanity as it will prevent me from being a serial killer every time I walk by an Urban Outfitters.  

Although perhaps a bigger gift to humanity WOULD be for me to kill all those who dare to bring back (even ironically) the CK sweatshirt and acid-washed jeans of my youth.  This headless person chose not to include Doc Martens which, if I'm being honest, is an oversight but it will make me steal her shoes once I finish stealing her life.  

Really, Santa, it's up to you which path your choose but there better be some kind of solution to this problem come December 25th.

Peace be with you,

Your devoted child of glitter - 

Madame Sunday/Lacy/possible serial killer

Modern stairs are from the debil!

Check out this supremely sexy place I want to live in/dry hump with its giant wall of windows and the even gianter dark wall of goodness and all that contrasting woodness and ruh ro I see a problem...

Quezada Architecture via Houzz

Call me a loser but I'm very particular about modern stairs.  Despite sublime feats of sexy engineering I cannot handle floating treads.  I'm a clumsy bitch (I broke my arm on a flat surface.  In BALLET class.)  so just seeing those gravity-defying planks makes me break out into hives.  I will, without a doubt, miscalculate the projection of my foot onto a tread and put said foot too far in and slip, pushing my extremity through the abyss of the stairs a twist my leg into grotesque formations of unending pain. 


Or because I'm scared of the mangled split I might get myself into, I will avoid the abyss by stepping only on the front three inches of the tread and I'll most definitely fall UP the stairs.  Or down.  Or sideways.  I'm just fucked all around.  


I could avoid these totally sane issues if there was a handrail I could desperately cling to for my life and inch my way along like I do when I'm at a skating rink.  STOP LAUGHING AT ME, Olympic-level 8 year olds!!!!  But guess what?  Modern houses are too fancy for handrails because it fucks up their "lines" or whatever.  Well la-di-fuckin-da, people with good taste.  I think safety is important because I care about PEOPLE more than buildings, assholes.


And by people I mean me.  And by me I mean my 6 inch platform heels because I sure as shit ain't giving those up and I can barely walk period in those let alone navigate height differentials.  


We all have to make sacrifices.  Because otherwise, this is my life:

Exactly how I dress at home, btw.


And no you can't borrow my boa.  

Inside peanut butter, outside jelly.

Sometimes my practical Virgo nature gets in the way of me just leaving sexy things be - for instance, this little piece of hotness from Monday's post:

Cadaval & Sola-Morales Architects via Trendir

I know I posted this shot because it's just so eggy and deliciously pointy so I had to do a little more investigating of course.  How very Virgo of me also.

Oh hello front of the house!  Your stone walls are positively huggabunch huggable.  Neighborhood cookout is definitely at this dude's house.  

Where's the right side cord for that light fixture?  Photoshop?

Calling Unhappy Hipsters...  Here's the kitchen/angel landing pad from the inside.  Talk about some incredible views while prepping pizza rolls.  Might get a tad chilly but they probably have Pyrenees-issued snuggies to keep warm.

So does the single cord emphasize the ceiling height?  Just make them both invisible... I'm not getting this.

I'm starting to lose my lust a little bit...  

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD!  I'm not expecting to see award-winning interiors but I was expecting at the very least a little effort.  Instead I got a grouping of lonely furniture and a dumbass rug.  It looks like my house for chrissake.  


It's a shame really because that wall of windows is really stunning.  The opposite wall is an epic fail if I've ever seen one.  I know from the outside the angled roof goes straight to the ground which is awesome but I was hoping the interior would fake a real wall somehow - even a half one.  Nothing says easy furniture placement like an acutely angled wall!  You probably wouldn't care because you'd have constant concussions from smacking your head on that jacked up diagonal.  I know when I build my dream house I want it to feel like an awkward attic!  Squeee!

This is better but that angled wall peeking out still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.


I've decided that I much prefer to have these houses as my neighbors rather than live in them because obviously they haven't figured out how to make the insides match the awesomeness of the outsides.  I know you're probably thinking that I must hate contemporary interiors and I don't - I REALLY DON'T - I just rarely see any that make me want to dry hump them like their exteriors do.  But I will try my best to find some that I think are successful.  Next week... 


I happen to like contrast so it's kinda like a visual peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  (I'm a madame - I like elegant and delicious metaphors.)  You need the perfect ratio of each component for the right balance of salty/sweet or inside/outside.  You can't have jelly on jelly because that's just pure madness.  Too much peanut butter and you'll suffocate in sticky.


In this totally appropriate metaphor, that sweet (blackberry?) exterior really needs something warm and salty (ew) on the inside so the only choice is something like this:

via Head Over Heels but I forgot the original source...

Gawd I'm good at this game!

Putting the 'Vegas' in Chattavegas.

Nothing says thank you to our troops and veterans like buying a shit ton of towels on sale so naturally I wanted to do my part.  So I was in the mall - my first trip since Christmas I think - just long enough to notice we now have a Forever 21 which is a pretty big deal.  Chattavegas is obviously moving on up in the world as evidenced by the metroplex of cheap tweener clothing (which I may or may not have ventured in because I'd never been there before.  For the troops and all...).  Once I had my fill of unnaturally tiny shorts on 14 yr olds and pretzel bites (seriously, I was full because that shit is delicious) I went to someplace outside of the mall that didn't make me question our future generations.  Also, the shoes I wanted weren't on sale.  It's like you hate America, Dillard's?????  

I went to my comfort zone and browsed some furniture instead.  Chattavegas has 1.35 good stores for home stuffs and that's if you include the Ashley Furniture Store of Death and Horror.  The one fun place is a salvage warehouse that has cheap random coolness from time to time.  Just witness:

Well damn!  I think you might be lost mirrored console table because this is the shiniest thing Chattanooga has seen since I added 'vegas' to its name!  I don't know if I love you or hate you but I feel like no one can appreciate your fabulosity in this city like this Madame.  The ModSauce Ranch is a safe place for tons of other wacky shit that needed a home so you'd fit right in.  Kinda...  

I mean, hellloooooo?! 

Put your paws up for Armani

Oh you're $300??  


I'll wait for you to go on sale.  


To honor the troops.

Dirty Pretty Things

Imma about to speed through a design history lesson of recent events.  First: recession.  (Don't all recent history lessons start there?)  Shit gets real.  No money, houses make sad faces, kittens cry and people take a lot of pictures of abandoned things.

James Griffioen's Feral Houses.  Other prints still available on 20x200.

(This looks exactly like 80% of where I grew up and had I been smart back when I was, ya know, 17 I could have made a fortune selling the pictures I was already taking of my neighbors' houses but it's not like I'm bitter or anything... Moving on.)


People want authenticity and to celebrate the "ugly" and imperfect and by gawd we'll give it to them in overpriced furniture!!

The root of all Industrial Chic evil.  

And a movement was born.  Born in abandoned buildings turned into food magazine style shoots to Steampunk dads (which oddly takes a lot of money to do correctly) and minimal Scandinavian moms with baby blankets knitted of pubic hair and cradles of peeling paint, lead poisoning and rainbow shades of oxidation.  Spread your wings and take flight, post-recession handmade grunge!

via 969years

Ok, I kinda like this if I separate all attempts of function from this space and use it purely as inspiration...

I don't have a source.  Bad blogger...

via Ideas to Steal

Blah, blah, blah a homeless person lives here blah, blah, blah I'm bored keep scrolling...

Mikkel Adsbol via A Perfect Gray

Needs more peeling wallpaper.  You're not trying hard enough.

via wishflowers

Well shut my mouth.  Now we've gone beyond beyond Industrial Chic Grunge to Serial Killer Garage of Death.

Is this yearning for authenticity or just a sad monastery of gloom??

Previous two Axel Vervoordt via Design Traveller

I see your wabi sabi and raise you cryptkeeper!  

And then there's the queen of decay Debra Cronin.

Two from Debra Cronin Design

David Kohrman via If It's Hip, It's Here

Ahahahaha just kidding.  That's an abandoned building.  But throw in a chandelier and it's a Debra Cronin.  A chandelier makes everything better.  EVERYTHING!!!

And then last week this:

For the love of all that is glittery and holy WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE???!!!   I just couldn't take it anymore - it is the pinnacle of low in this entire Industrial Communist Prison Chic Shit movement and a waste of a perfectly good claw foot tub.  Although maybe it's not a good tub because there's a dead body in there that we can't see.  Perhaps he was shanked in a prison fight because I'm pretty sure that's where this bathroom is.  There's no Scrubbing Bubbles for sinning...

And then her spread on The Design Files:

Debra Cronin

I think it's Buffalo Bill's basement in Silence of the Lambs.

Seriously.  I'm a big fan of dirty and ugly and 'omigawd do I need to update my Tetanus before I go in there?' but there's nowhere left to go in this movement unless you actually show a "room to outfit" with the above space and a dress made from human skin carved from plump girls with 80's hair.  The pendulum is ready to swing in another less crusty and less murdery way.  A way that If the Lampshade Fits perfectly illustrated last week in her post about the return of pretty.

Calgon, take me away.  Or a unicorn with a saddle full of boxed wine could also take me away.  Both are equally good. 

I don't even like pink walls per se but I was one rusty razorblade away from self-mutilation after looking at those rooms up there so her post was rather timely.  In addition to 'Pretty in Pink" I'll add just lump it with plain old Traditional on my imaginary map of where the design trend pendulum is headed.  Even Lonny has teamed up with Traditional Home.  Since we're all stocked up on afghans of pubic hair and shitty DIY furniture disasters and have more money now we'll be ready to explore the NEW authentic!   Because you can totally buy authenticity out of a catalog...   


I'll look into my Madame crystal ball (everybody gets one when you send in enough yogurt tops) and say that the new(er) traditional has an American slant now that we're back to being overconfident again - a surge of neo-classic will lean almost Federalist with its delicate geometry and look extra saucy with uber-contemporary pieces.  Tired of suzanis?  You're in luck because the new "ethnic" is from a different part of the world we invaded - our own!  Native American jazz is about to be all up in your biznass.  Too brown for you?  Don't worry - you'll have your white bread 80s Ralph Lauren prep too - navy and stripes and ginghams and loafers and brass.  Yeah.  It's coming...  So is equestrian but with a Pretty Woman brown and white polka dot edge.  I swear, you can't make this shit up.  It's straight out of Crystal Ball o' Drunken Wonders.  Maybe if I get drunkier I'll make a mood board!  Having an official Madame crystal ball also means I'm contractually obligated to do a mood board at least once a quarter.


In the meantime I'll still be "authentic" in the old dirty and gloomy way because it took a lot of time to haul these rusty chairs in from the street and I "decorated" like that long before it became played out.  I just updated my Tetanus so I'm good for awhile anyway... 

Purging is good for your mind and body. Bad for bean bag chairs.

I'm still purging my blog files so take a look at this word and picture vomit awesomeness that's been trapped in darkness for months waiting to be rescued to be reunited with its mistress for all the world to see!  

It's a chalet in France.  It starts out kinda cool...

But then this...

Aw hell.  It's one of THOSE houses.  *eyeroll*

Ok well the whole place is made of plywood and concrete which is fine I guess.  It can work sometimes...  Those lights are kinda squee-worthy.

eeehhhhhhhhhh....  I'm starting to get bad vibes from the helmet lamp and weird furniture...

from Design Milk

Well shit.  Way to fuck up some badass views with some BEAN BAG CHAIRS!!!!!  I'm sure they are ridiculously expensive bean bags by a fancy Italian company I should know about and are only made by blind gypsy women with six fingers from the hills of Romania (are there hills in Romania?) and stuffed with feathers of virgin geese but FUCK, y'all.    It's STILL a bean bag.  [MS sidebar: I, of course, totally had a purple pleather bean bag when I was about twelve but that is not relevant in any way right now]

from seesaw

You think you're so cute don't you??  It makes my eyeballs bleed.  

Now maybe I was kuh-razy drunk or something, I don’t know (it was March when I saw this and who can remember that far back?) and something about this place spoke to me. So I wrote a story 'bout it. Like to hear it? Here it go...


Viktor and Juliette live here. Viktor is an architect and Juliette is a graphic designer. Juliette’s only personality trait is the waifish indifference she oozes while she chain smokes clove cigarettes. Viktor believes in purity of mind, body and space.  He champions materials like plywood, concrete and glass, meditates everyday and likes to subsist solely on raw food and a blend of wheatgrass and 4-leaf clover juice to keep his colon sparkling clean. In fact, Viktor thinks a clean colon is next to godliness (if he really believed in god).  All guests are actually anally probed before entrance to the house to assess their worth.  Rejected guests get the Viktor-special: a 3 day fast consisting of only early morning dew off of the French wildflowers growing along the mountainside while "guest" sleep in a special detox tent and scrubbed clean with hot water and steel wool (purity of material) until they are clean. Only then can they enter the home to sit upon the bean bag thrones to admire the view of the sky because they can’t see over the balcony because they’re sitting on the floor. Then they will discuss [insert existential stuff here] until they will retire to their plywood beds and then fall asleep to boring yet pure dreams. El fin.


Wow.  I don't really know where that came from but I’m thinking this should have been left to Bank of Fabulosity… but I tell you what, my brain is feeling cleaner. Just like my colon after one of Viktor’s specials.


Aaaahhhh….