I'm romancing this stone with my favorite '80s movies.

I've been sitting here on my divan (all the coolest bloggers have one) thinking about emerald for six months.  That's not out of the ordinary for me but once Pantone opened their can of whoop ass on the rainbow for 2013 I had to move green to the front of my thought queue.

here

Yeah, I was on a blogging break so sorry about being tardy for the party.

I'm down with green for this year as was everyone who happened to stumble on Pinterest last Fall so I don't think anyone can really complain about the selection.

Other than the actual Pantone chip is neon jadeite and not emerald at all.  Don't let their graphics fool you.

Sigh...  so close!  

Pantone: the best colorblind marketing juggernaut of the industry.

You know who really knows how to do Emerald correctly?

The 19-motherfucking-80's, y'all.

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Let's have them give us lessons in green.  Because this is really what I've been doing on my divan for six months... watching movies.

Cinematic example 1:  Romancing the Stone

This was back when Michael Douglas had his crazy eyes but in a fun 'is he manic or just a cokehead?' kind of way and Kathleen Turner still turned everybody's loins into jello and even 8 yr old me felt weird feelings when I saw her side boob because that's just how hot she was back then.

Remember they were on a treasure hunt (to Cartegeeenna!) to find some giant emerald shaped like a heart?  I forget the actual plot but I do remember this moment...

...when we discover that the emerald was snugly (and probably uncomfortably?) nestled next to Michael Douglas' family jewels (yeah we get it, Hollywood).

If you remember, the name of the stone was El Corazon and people actually own replicas of it like the one below because they are awesome:

here

You know what else is kinda (not) awesome?  Green is color of your heart chakra.  Don't ask me how I know this but I'm just throwin' that out there...   Maybe Romancing the Stone had a deeper meaning than we realized.  Maybe Danny DeVito is an angel that can tell us about it...

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Maybe not.

Cinemactic example 2: The Monster Squad 

I bought this movie last week (SHUT UP IT WAS $4!) on a whim.

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Somehow I managed to notice around the plot holes and monster montages set to synthesizers that the amulet in that movie also glows green!

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Kablammo.  I need to get some green stones up in the ModSauce Ranch STAT because that shit got some serious magical powers, y'all.  

To bring back shoulder pads and Trapper Keepers.

Who knows what other emerald influences I've completely forgotten about...?  I should just rewatch everything my family ever had recorded on Beta or VHS to make sure I haven't missed anything.  See you in October.

Of 2014.

[MS Sidebar: my family had so many things recorded my mom devised a card catalog storage system for all of our movies.  We were the most well-organized tv nerds ever. "Where's 'Bill Cosby: Himself'?"  Oh it's in drawer 3, 7 back...  Who needs emotional validation or role models when you have the Smithsonian of Made for TV Movies in your den?]

Cinemacracktic example 3:  Of course, you can't talk about emeralds without talking about OZ!  But classic Dorothy makes me a little queasy with its "charm" and I much prefer the gothic stylings of young Fairuza Balk and her gaggle of fucked-up friends.

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It looked all fun and shiny here but then remember this shit?

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They're like skate punks from hell and they're high on bath salts and will eat a tiny goth girl.  

And the fun part is all the emerald's real subtle - like in Tik Tok's eyes only - because this movie doesn't pander to kids.  It makes you work for it.

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Because that's a ten foot tall pumpkin with animated twig arms and he's scary as fuck but you must persist because green holds all the answers:

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They probably used the same prop as Romancing the Stone.

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Not the emerald, I mean that's probably Kathleen Turner in that case...  

What the hell was the plot to this movie?!  I can't remember but emerald saves the day and restores justice from the evil headless Kathleen Turner witch.

Cinnamontastic example 4:  Big Trouble in Little China.  

Slotted in my top five favorite movies of all time is John Carpenter's masterpiece of trucking through Chinatown with nothing but a tank top, some bravado and a band of Kung Fu masters.

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I wish that was the story of my life, amirite?!

This movie is important to whatever the fuck I'm talking about because the entire story is based on a girl with EMERALD eyes fulfilling some kind of prophecy with an evil sorcerer and omigawd y'all I have green eyes so I was super stoked in 1986.

Looking like a blonde, green-eyed Valley girl was the shit in the '80s - kinda like how everyone in the 2000s wants to look like Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce.  

Except now I look like I still belong in the '80s...

And if you've seen my Pinterest you'll know that I'm (shamefully) attracted to cultural appropriation by white people...

Sorry about my missing sources. Shit got crazy on the internet.

I blame Kim Cattrall.

here

Outlining a vaguely Eastern god of crankyface in neon green lights probably didn't help.

However, if we're looking for a more accurate representation of emerald during this decade AND as it relates to my ocular coloring it's OBVIOUSLY the all-seeing, all-knowing, green-eyed guardian of Lo Pan's underground fortress.

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We're like twinsies.  Wealth, power, harmony and some sexy peepers, y'all.

Cinemarazzmatazz example 5:  Superman III.

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I've been reliving my Superman III memories a lot recently and they are glorious.  This movie in particular because Richard Pryor is in it AND there's bad Superman which is infinitely hotter than regular old Superman because his Spanx are dirty and he has stubble.

Emerald makes a special appearance in the form of a Kryptonite laser because everything was a laser in the '80s.

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Aaaaand I think we just found the overwrought metaphor for what Pantone does to me.  

It turns me into a terrible blogger with its laser of lameness...  *shifty eyes*

But it can't take away emerald from me!  Partially because colored contacts are sooo '80s and I just look really damn good in jewel tones.  

And I just bought the collector's set of Superman DVDs so it's kryptonite all day erry day around here.  As a reward for sitting through this post you can come over to my Superman slumber party I'm throwing.  Only footed pajamas allowed though.  

Cape optional.

See ya next year, Lametone.

MANTONE. *spits*

I'm just going to leave these here...

Click to enlarge for maximum enjoyment.

via Lunch Breath

Happy Valentime's Day!

Arrested Development valentines from The Bluth Company

Just a few more months, y'all...

Swirl, tap and buff probably means something different to Jonathan Adler

In case you had some extra money laying around that you weren't using I present to you this:

It's like 2003 exploded on your face with the Jonathan Adler limited edition Bare Minerals kit!  You get a giant-sized foundation to impress people at parties while you cover your zits, a fancy Buki brush that will look like cheese log after two weeks because you know you never wash that shit and an acrylic shoe box to put it all in.

At $60 and only 5 shades of foundation, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR GAWDDAMIT?!?!?!?!

Neveryoumind that I switched to Pur Minerals 3 years ago, I still love the JA, his husband and even their brand of happy, snarky chic they make me gag on from time to time.

Except this.  The only gay men I let near my face are the ones working at Sephora and MAC.

I can't wait to order my John Robshaw tampons.  After a few uses I'm sure they'll have that nice, authentic third world feel that you normally pay big money for.

Let's not leave the ladies out!  Kelly Wearstler can work magic with metal so make sure your favorite manmember picks up the finest $700 polished brass cock ring for his jewels. 

Can't wait for the Fab sale of John Derian's line of cling wrap for your leftovers...

These are million dollar ideas here and people will give you money for them.

Not me.  But people.

Saucy things we missed while I was eating soft pretzels

Apparently getting your blog mojo back requires a few false starts...  I'm going to blame an extended blog blackout on Beyonce's thighs.  We're all powerless against them.

Since we haven't had a good Girls-worthy witty convo in so long I thought we could recap all the highlights from the last few months.  Other than the fiscal cliff.  

The most exciting things that happened to me involved a lot of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episodes, some soft pretzels I had a few weeks ago that I still think about and a new pleather motorcycle jacket. 

But I guess if we're talking important global news then we have to first acknowledge the sad passing of architect Oscar Niemeyer at 104.  Oscar really knew how to work his way around concrete and for that deserves a special place in my vag tunnel of love (that's made of concrete).

Alvorada Palace, home of the Brazilian president 

And even though I didn't actually research anything for this blurb, I think concrete-loving, Modernist Oscar was the guy who said he broke from traditional Modernist beliefs to give buildings curves just like the Brazilian women from his home country.  *eyeroll*  And then he built this:

Brazilian National Congress

Aaaaand now I have yet another body image issue to deal with.  RIP Oscar, you talented and most-likely-but-hopefully-not creepy pervert.

In other unsurprising and sad design news is that Target is being sued (AGAIN) for copying the work of a designer.

via LA Times

The Target bookend on the left is obviously stolen from Annabel Inganni's Wolfum bookend on the right because everyone's favorite bargain bullseye has long run out of ideas regarding bookends, safari animals or anything else you think is cute at Target because it is probably a stolen idea from someone else.  

Speaking of other large corporations devoid of soul, Pantone picked Emerald as their color of the year for 2013.  

Seth Engstrom's concept art for Dorothy of Oz. Thanks to a smart commenter!

It's the news that spawns a thousand mediocre mood boards and I feel like this may require further discussion at a later date.

On to something that's more pleasing to the eyes, Steve Carell looks like this now:

here

Alex Karpovsky is still my #1 but excuse me brb need to go to Target and buy (hopefully not copied) new underwear...

In other hottie news, check out Bill Nye's house tour on WSJ:

It's the cutest thing I've ever seen.  It has a bunch of solar panels and shit but I don't give a fuck because BOW TIES.

And even though I could post hippie house tours from now til the end of eternity - whenever omnipotent Beyonce says that is - I try to limit y'alls exposure to hobo houses on ye olde saucy blog.  

However, if you have a hankering for a train ride to hipstertown check out this great place on Design*Sponge:

I have a lot of crystals and succulents that would work well in this space.

Speaking of our High Priestess of the Lace Front (I don't know what that means), I'm in love with this tumblr dedicated to creating color palettes from Bey photos.

here 

It's like Design Seeds but sadder and only for gay boys and me.

And finally, while I was away this blog turned three years old.  

MOTHERFUCKIN SQUEE!

I had no idea three years ago when I started writing about ninjas and unicorns that I'd be here three years later writing about ninjas and unicorns.  Maybe it's time to find a new shtick.

In the meantime I'll continue to write rambling and disjointed pseudo-essays about my life and it's tangential and codependent relationship with Design.  

So thanks for reading and following and commenting and tweeting and just plain old being my internet friends.  Because we are friends.  Whether you know it or even want it we are definitely friends so why don't you return my texts more often gawddammit?!

I would share my soft pretzels with you.  Because friends help friends find Steve Carell lookalikes.

This... post... is on FIYAAAHHH!

One should probably return from a blogging hiatus with something really deep and existential about the nature of table lamps as they relate to heteronormativity in the New Aesthetics but I don't want to talk about that.

Yet.

I want to talk about this:

Mark Hartman

Not the cat.  I'm lusting more after that perfect tomato red sleeve which makes total sense if you're me.  I'm not into sleeve porn (that I know of...?) but I do have a serious color boner that reached a geyser-like orgasmisplosion with this:

Forgot where I pulled this and now can't find it...

I'll die a tortuous Zero Dark Thirty death (too soon?) for talking about my boner and Mobama in the same sentence but y'all.  Full stop.  All dem beautiful bitches in red at the Golden Globes had nothing on this red.  I confess to sitting on my couch while crying real, sriracha-flavored tears while the POTUS and FLOTUS danced because my life is meaningless of how pretty she looked.  

And how insane I might be.

Insane like I want Michelle Obama to be my mom and I want to smell her face but in a really normal and healthy way.  

But also, red. 

It's my muse for 2013.

Chic Wish

I'd wear the hell out of this coat.  And I know everyone's probably tired of drapey folds on clothes - the labial accent, I call it - but I'm not.  In fact, I think in 2013 we're going to reclaim vaginas back from ignorant white men so let's say YES to more drapey butterfly wings this year.

Or whatever you're rockin' ladies - we don't judge.

Valentino Couture Spring 2013

Also, capes this year.  Like Little Red Riding Hood!  And then somebody gets to be your big, bad wolf and it'll be the hot new sex craze to hit the nation kinda like 50 Shades of Grey but weirder because of the whole beastiality/Lolita thing but maybe it could work because people be crazy...?

Breaking news: vaginas and Furries are going to be in for 2013.  Maybe furry vaginas?!  Your call.

Let's all reread The Red Tent just in case.

Richard Avedon via Harper's Bazaar

You know what's not in for 2013?  Actual vagina cape things.  Sorry, Audrey.

Can't find original source - probably an old pic but I still dig it...

But I guess if vaginas aren't your thang (weirdo) you can lust over some sanguine velvet lounging furniture.

Christian Kettiger

To be honest, red is one of my least favorite colors and is only eclipsed in its garishness by purple and whatever color fake honey mustard dressing is.  It's just so blatant and crass and I think we can all agree that I'm much more about things that are subtle and classy.  

Cuz I'm elegant.

My preference is the austere intensity of black like my cold, barely-beating, basement of a heart.  Or black's lazy stoner friend - blue.  

Sapphire is my birthstone so it's astrologically determined what hues I'm supposed to wear and you can't argue with the scienze of space.  

I'm a black and blue girl and not just because I bump into things a lot - I wear them all the time, I only buy art and decorative pillows in those shades and I only write in blue and black ink.  

Except in the cases of making deals with the devil where you sign in blood, I think it might be illegal in the South to sign a check in red.  At the very least, it's an act only reserved for those who eat sketti and have pet pigs and I ain't talkin' about Suzanne Sugarbaker.

here

Who also looks really good in red, coincidentally.

Julia Randall

But something happened last year - I had an out-of-body shopping experience and bought a tomato red sweater (with only slight labial draping in front) courtesy of the Banana Republic outlet and it was marvelous.  Swear to gawd, I channeled the spirit of Marilyn Monroe (okay Suzanne Sugarbaker) and there was much sashaying and Southern anecdotes of an off-color origin just like Marilyn. *coughSuzannecough*

I even wore my secret red lipstick with it because I was an animal.

drawing by Geninne on Flickr

My red sweater was so magical another human being told me I was pretty in it so I immediately cried captured that moment, made it my Instagram avatar and now I show it to every person I meet in case I'm wearing blue and black just so they'll know and SEE and yes it is very awkward for everyone.

Harper's Bazaar

But I can't help it because just like Katniss Everdeen and Alicia Keys, I'm a girl on fire now.  Just like my new mom - Mobama.  Mombama.

Wood Wood

Or this girl with her cute sneaks.

Style Bubble

Or this girl in this cute dress standing in front of one of my least favorite couches of all time...  You get no free pass in 2013!

Nina Katchadourian

This spiderweb is totally pickin' up what I'm puttin' down.  Charlotte is on Team Firecrotch.

Norman Mooney

Wait, we need a new team name...  Y'all work that out in the comments.

RED OBJECT office space in China by 3GATTI (2006)

Or in this creative fun pod in China.  We could brainstorm some good shit in there.

So this year I'm going to embrace one of my color nemeses and drink up all the passionfruit juice it brings or whatever other bullshit attributes you're supposed to associate with certain colors.  

I should probably say something about red being full of "passion" or "lust" which is what Pantone would say but I've already mentioned vaginas too much in this post already.

Jenny Saville

So this year - thanks to the passionately wanton power of red, obviously - I'm going to give myself permission to be on a blog hiatus if I want, permission to come back and post creepy Bloodyface portraits that I can't stop staring at, permission to wear red vaginal drapey sweaters all over my person, permission to be on fire in said drapey sweaters or just be on fire in general and even permission to sign my name in red.

via Fuck Yeah Hard Femme

And permission to wear lots of red lipstick.

Maybe I gave myself permission to be existential after all.