Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Your Journey to the Sauce

Knowing about this blog is kinda like being in a secret club because it's really just you, me, your mama and a few random Google bots reading this.  We should develop a secret handshake (double high five then *middle fingers pointing to crotches*??) and make soap out of stolen human fat or something.  


Our headquarters.  Here.
So as you could imagine I don't get a lot of traffic about how to design a room or about picking fabric for pillows because I don't really know how to do either of those things and I make up a lot of words so unless someone has Vulcan mind-melded with me they're really not gonna get here without the secret handshake or fate.  Or if your mama tells somebody.  But every now and then a stranger happens to make their way to the Sauce.  I've kept a running list of the search terms people have used to get to this blog because this shit is crazy.


And no, I'm not making any of these up.  All ripped as is from my analytics.  Enjoy.


"WHEN I DIE FUCK IT I WANNA GO TO HELL, CAUSE I'M A PEICE OF SHIT IT AIN'T HARD TO FUCKING TELL, IT DONT MAKE SENCE GOING TO HEVEN WITH THE GOODIE GOODIES I ROCK FRESH IN WHITE TNS AND BLACK  HOODIES"
I'm the first result.  I guess this is from a song I just had no idea I'm huge with the Limp Bizkit crowd.


"Pretty women fuc animal"
From Iran.  If that makes it better or worse.  He searched a long time because I think I was on page 25ish... Still pretty gawddamn disturbing.  And also dum because in porn the pretty girls don't fuc animals they fuc the blac dudes.  I guess - I don't really know, of course, because I'm classy. 


"vagina best results"
If you're looking for "results" I think you're approaching it from the wrong angle.  I'm also the first hit which is probably misleading for a lot of nerdy young boys.  Mongolia is still really damn awesome, though.


Seriously, y'all - it's not like I'm picking the zaniest search terms, these are the ONLY search terms.  But now I think reeeaaalllly hard about everything I google because when I type in "redneck dolphin unicorn sex party nachos tshirt" someone will actually SEE that and make fun of it on their blog.  The internet never forgets.     


"what are the modern sauce"
Actually they're a reggae ska band who didn't bother to google potential names before they named their band.  Or maybe they did and didn't care.  I'm not really worried because I bet they'll be broken up within a few months.  It's ska for chrissake...  But remind me to trademark some shit asap.


"madam fucking our worker" 
Sorry to hear that.  Or maybe it's a good thing...??  I don't know.


"ffffound dildo fridge"
*confused face* That sounds cold...


"prosticute"
For my True Blood mood boards - I'm the second entry right after the urban dictionary definition.  I feel pretty proud about that!  Also, I think it's time to make some new mood boards.  Suggestions??!!


"PlushCats, madame saucey"
No clue but after seeing the plushie episode of CSI I think I'll pass.  I'm number 2 on the list of search results though.  Number 3 is the Plush Cat Club who are a group of plus size lady babes who are photographed next to cars and such.  Well, hot damn.  


"Income Property hgtv fake hair"
probably.


"chalkboard wall bad for health?"
Yep.  #1 result.  My make believe science is dangerously close to actually being taken seriously.  Honestly I'm just happy someone googled that rather than the "cool chalkboard wall ideas" bullshit that I normally get.  Put down the chalkboard paint, y'all!   


"the circle of life for kids"
Are you trying to teach kids about the circle of life (duh, just put in Lion King) or trying to find out if there IS a circle of life for them because that's kinda mean...  Unless they're annoying


"why can't horse be ridden hard and put away wet"
fuc if I know.  Relive the horsey magic.


"Everytime Malcolm Gladwell blinks a unicorn dies"
ahahahahahahaha!  What...?  


"pantone colors assholes"
Preaching to the choir, buddy. 


"Honeysuckle Pink sucks ass"
First result.  Awesome.  I think it's a movement.


"Kraftmaid Huntington door"
I'm on the first page - Kraftmaid you might want to look into that...


"madam sunday kitchen"
Hey somebody actually searched for ME!  Look out "naked pictures of Scarlett Johansson" because I'm moving up the web ladder!


"male prostidute mama cell no .com"
There are FOUR results.  Period.  I'm number three.  WTF?  (MS sidebar: I'm totally calling male whores prostidudes from now on)


"madam steed alcohol"
That sounds disgusting.  But mix it with some cranberry juice and I'll probably drink it. 


"ceramic tile with miller high life design"
I need to find this tile immediately and then write a whole post about it...


"free+porn"
I bet they were really disappointed.


" "cleavage" "transfixed" "
Also probably disappointed...  I need to seriously reevaluate my blog direction because I don't know what the hell is happening.  It's getting ridickilous and oh I just figured out what the problem is...


"designers cliches on sale"
Just wait a few months and they'll be at Tuesday Morning.


"why do my bushes smell like a dirty dog"
..........


"how to artfully arrange bookshelves"
Heeeyyy someone did need helpful information!  Too bad they landed on boobs on tha floor.


"schools are failing our children"
Since I am the 4th result thanks to my post about kitchen budgets where I illustrate how schools are indeed failing our children I think this means that the internet is obviously failing to provide adequate results.  


Welcome to the world wide wacky web.  Thank your mama for me.

26 comments:

  1. I never ever never look at my analytics. I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to sleep again.

    You brave.

    And Honeysuckle Pink does indeed suck ass.

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  2. Now I only look at them to see what the crazy search terms are. I don't care about numbers only the freaks!

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  3. Hilarious! Keep of the great work! I can imagine the world's deviants clicking a link, thinking they are about to indulge in their guilty pleasures, landing here, then looking around their rooms and realizing that they live in dumps. Synapses fire...they realize that maybe they have to search for sexxy time online because they live in dumps? This prompts a trip to the market for paint and ikat.

    You're a damn social worker, my friend.

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  4. You are hilarious! One of my top search queries is "pie redneck art yum"... Crazy silly people on the internets.

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  5. I rarely type "LOL" because it's usually not true... but THIS is LOLWTLSDMF I laughed out loud with tears literally streaming down my face.

    Double high five crotch pointy thing

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  6. Nick - I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

    Anon - thanks for stopping by! But I kinda want to know how you got here...

    Jeannine - that's awesome! Maybe the Sauce can inspire people to improve their own ranches in an effort to get laid more. Awww... I like to make a difference.

    susie q - ahahahahahaha! That was me...

    Slade - you're in the secret club fo sho.

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  7. Bahahha that was some funny shit. How do you even look that up, sorry I stoopid.

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  8. You can get google analytics (it's free) and it tells you the search terms and how many people visit your site, etc. But I use Statcounter (also free) because they have ALL the nasty shit that google analytics somehow doesn't see. I bet your site has AWESOME results too!

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  9. Madame, you may be the funniest thing the internet has ever seen.

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  10. Thank you but I feel like I'm just the messenger in this case. I can't really top bushes that smell like dirty dogs...

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  11. I wonder whether the freaks are the owners of those search terms who landed here, looked around, and moved on?

    or

    Whether the freaks are us, who (may, or may not) own those search terms, landed here, looked around, and remained (forever trapped in this vortex of ModernSauce fandom)?

    I so dig this blog! :)

    Anyway...

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  12. Pretty sure they move on quickly - once you're IN the vortex there's no getting out. Unfortunately for you, mwahahahaha! Also, hearing "fandom" is weird because in my head I'm totally friends with all my readers... Who's the real freak now??! ; )

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  13. Friendom works too! I actually prefer it. That way it's not so weird being stuck in this vortex :)

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  14. Whew. 'Fans' is weird. And can I be in the vortex too because apparently that's where all my friends are??!!! ; )

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  15. Bonjour! Wow! I must have performed the finger pointing secret move correctly while boiling fat to make soap as here I am -- in! Or it could be that I googled key terms and landed here because of them: Nerdy McNerdpants, Hot for Charlemagne, and "kitchens that came back from the 7th circle of hell." And for the record -- looking at Nick's comment -- I believe you COULD make this up, without trying. You just did not have to. Lucky (stinks in the bushes) dog!(Kymberly)

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  16. Some people are just lucky with their fat soap making and gratuitous hand gestures. Regardless, glad you made it. ; )

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  17. ModernSause, I found you on a sidebar of another blogger. You know, where all the recent bloggers have viewed a site. You must have visited, taken a stroll down their path and then we bumped. I love your kitchen adventure and your writing style is wonderful!

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  18. See?! It IS possible to get here without googling something filthy! Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Anon, and that we apparently "bumped" into each other somewhere on this crazy interweb thingy. Hope to see you here more. ; )

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  19. Informative and entertaining. You are my new go-to! Love your list but for sure I can't commit to a fav:)

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  20. I aim to be nothing less than informative and entertaining. It's like watching Anderson Cooper but less hot. Thanks Carol!

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  21. Wow. Erin is right. Amen.

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  22. Thanks but really it's just the freaks who get here that are the real winners.

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