Your Journey to the Sauce

Knowing about this blog is kinda like being in a secret club because it's really just you, me, your mama and a few random Google bots reading this.  We should develop a secret handshake (double high five then *middle fingers pointing to crotches*??) and make soap out of stolen human fat or something.  

Our headquarters.  Here.

So as you could imagine I don't get a lot of traffic about how to design a room or about picking fabric for pillows because I don't really know how to do either of those things and I make up a lot of words so unless someone has Vulcan mind-melded with me they're really not gonna get here without the secret handshake or fate.  Or if your mama tells somebody.  But every now and then a stranger happens to make their way to the Sauce.  I've kept a running list of the search terms people have used to get to this blog because this shit is crazy.


And no, I'm not making any of these up.  All ripped as is from my analytics.  Enjoy.


"WHEN I DIE FUCK IT I WANNA GO TO HELL, CAUSE I'M A PEICE OF SHIT IT AIN'T HARD TO FUCKING TELL, IT DONT MAKE SENCE GOING TO HEVEN WITH THE GOODIE GOODIES I ROCK FRESH IN WHITE TNS AND BLACK  HOODIES"
I'm the first result.  I guess this is from a song I just had no idea I'm huge with the Limp Bizkit crowd.


"Pretty women fuc animal"
From Iran.  If that makes it better or worse.  He searched a long time because I think I was on page 25ish... Still pretty gawddamn disturbing.  And also dum because in porn the pretty girls don't fuc animals they fuc the blac dudes.  I guess - I don't really know, of course, because I'm classy. 


"vagina best results"
If you're looking for "results" I think you're approaching it from the wrong angle.  I'm also the first hit which is probably misleading for a lot of nerdy young boys.  Mongolia is still really damn awesome, though.


Seriously, y'all - it's not like I'm picking the zaniest search terms, these are the ONLY search terms.  But now I think reeeaaalllly hard about everything I google because when I type in "redneck dolphin unicorn sex party nachos tshirt" someone will actually SEE that and make fun of it on their blog.  The internet never forgets.     


"what are the modern sauce"
Actually they're a reggae ska band who didn't bother to google potential names before they named their band.  Or maybe they did and didn't care.  I'm not really worried because I bet they'll be broken up within a few months.  It's ska for chrissake...  But remind me to trademark some shit asap.


"madam fucking our worker" 
Sorry to hear that.  Or maybe it's a good thing...??  I don't know.


"ffffound dildo fridge"
*confused face* That sounds cold...


"prosticute"
For my True Blood mood boards - I'm the second entry right after the urban dictionary definition.  I feel pretty proud about that!  Also, I think it's time to make some new mood boards.  Suggestions??!!


"PlushCats, madame saucey"
No clue but after seeing the plushie episode of CSI I think I'll pass.  I'm number 2 on the list of search results though.  Number 3 is the Plush Cat Club who are a group of plus size lady babes who are photographed next to cars and such.  Well, hot damn.  


"Income Property hgtv fake hair"
probably.


"chalkboard wall bad for health?"
Yep.  #1 result.  My make believe science is dangerously close to actually being taken seriously.  Honestly I'm just happy someone googled that rather than the "cool chalkboard wall ideas" bullshit that I normally get.  Put down the chalkboard paint, y'all!   


"the circle of life for kids"
Are you trying to teach kids about the circle of life (duh, just put in Lion King) or trying to find out if there IS a circle of life for them because that's kinda mean...  Unless they're annoying. 


"why can't horse be ridden hard and put away wet"
fuc if I know.  Relive the horsey magic.


"Everytime Malcolm Gladwell blinks a unicorn dies"
ahahahahahahaha!  What...?  


"pantone colors assholes"
Preaching to the choir, buddy. 


"Honeysuckle Pink sucks ass"
First result.  Awesome.  I think it's a movement.


"Kraftmaid Huntington door"
I'm on the first page - Kraftmaid you might want to look into that...


"madam sunday kitchen"
Hey somebody actually searched for ME!  Look out "naked pictures of Scarlett Johansson" because I'm moving up the web ladder!


"male prostidute mama cell no .com"
There are FOUR results.  Period.  I'm number three.  WTF?  (MS sidebar: I'm totally calling male whores prostidudes from now on)


"madam steed alcohol"
That sounds disgusting.  But mix it with some cranberry juice and I'll probably drink it. 


"ceramic tile with miller high life design"
I need to find this tile immediately and then write a whole post about it...


"free+porn"
I bet they were really disappointed.


" "cleavage" "transfixed" "
Also probably disappointed...  I need to seriously reevaluate my blog direction because I don't know what the hell is happening.  It's getting ridickilous and oh I just figured out what the problem is...


"designers cliches on sale"
Just wait a few months and they'll be at Tuesday Morning.


"why do my bushes smell like a dirty dog"
..........


"how to artfully arrange bookshelves"
Heeeyyy someone did need helpful information!  Too bad they landed on boobs on tha floor.


"schools are failing our children"
Since I am the 4th result thanks to my post about kitchen budgets where I illustrate how schools are indeed failing our children I think this means that the internet is obviously failing to provide adequate results.  


Welcome to the world wide wacky web.  Thank your mama for me.