Tuesday, March 2, 2010

For best results store vagina between 60 degrees and 90 degrees Fahrenheit.

It's cold here.  And snowing - AGAIN.  But I'm toasty warm on my couch drinking some $3 Trader Joe's wine paired with my $5 organic fair trade chocolate bar.  You can see where my priorities are.  The gratitude I feel for my heat and the cacoa bean are only intensified when I remembered reading about this family featured in the NYTimes who lived in a yurt without power in bumfuck Alaska.  Really it just made me think of this and this.  Oh you crazy white people!   
Awww...  it looks so peaceful and homey!  Until you remember they have no heat or running water and are probably huddled together for warmth sucking on some ice.  

The windows are velcroed shut for maximum draft allowance.  They have broadband because it would be absolutely barbaric to live in such conditions without internet.  What do you think they are?  Savages?  Santa must come and deliver computer batteries and extra snuggies daily.   

The interior with their wood-burning stove in the center.  The walls are wrapped in some fancy Tyvek and they have a Duro-last vinyl roof.  I don't know what that means but unless those things are made of a bunch of Quileute wolves straight out of a sauna it's still pretty fucking cold.

I'm guessing the stove is hooked up to a generator...??  They must have thought they were too high falutin to cook their food over a real fire.  Pussies.  Fun factoid: homemade yogurt keeps fine on the counter.  Because it's pretty fucking cold.

Mom and baby just getting some drinking water from the well.   Tra la la la la la la!  And yes that is their outhouse in the background.  Nothing like having your monthly lady times in below freezing temps.  I don't know about you but my vagina has a very specific tempurature in which she performs best - just like spray paint.

Despite the seamless way this couple blends into the Alaskan wilderness a yurt is actually a traditional Mongolian home, similar to a Native American tepee, that's built for ease of transport befitting a nomadic lifestyle.  I happen to adore all things Mongolia (particularly the barbeque) for no legitimate reason other than it seems largely untouched by civilization and has a raw purity of spirit that I would love to spend an adventure vacation exploring after a thorough round of vaccinations.  Please don't point out to me the contrast between the way that I condescendingly romanticize the near destitute lifestyle of Mongolians while skewering the Alaskan couple for choosing nearly the same thing.  It's really rude.  

My Mongolian affection was solidified way back in ye olde interior design school where we were forced to design a space based on the culture of another country.  Most people wanted to pick Italy so they could do something Tuscan and sponge paint their walls some shitty beige color.  Predictable bitches.  Needless to say when my Type-A ass forced my group to break out of their sponge-painted boxes they were none too happy when I suggested we go for a challenge like Mongolia.  Madame Sunday is a rather insistent bitch.  What followed is a semester-long immersion in Mongolian culture coupled with a semester-long effort convincing my classmates that Mongolians don't sponge paint their yurts.  Here are some reasons why Mongolia is awesome:

It looks like this...

Mongolians pride themselves on their hospitality (just like us Southerners!) and if a traveller is ever in need of a meal or shelter they are welcome in any yurt they come across whether the owner is home or not.  NOT like a Southerner.   I'll cut a bitch who walks into my house without asking.

Freezing, destitute and I can't wait to go there!

The soft focus filter makes me forget it's in the middle of the Gobi desert!


Is that an archeological dig?!  How exciting!

I guess I could go the easy route and stay in a hotel.

Known for their horsemanship (helloo Ghengis Khan?) Mongolians compete in the Nadaam festival which is like the Olympics but with archery, wrestling and horse riding.  Quatchi you can suck it.  

An archer from the 40's.

photography by Builder Levy
Mongolian wrestlers.  Go ahead - I dare you to say something about those bikini briefs.

AND camels?  This place just keeps getting better!

Sigh.  I'll just go ahead and start packing all my night creams and North Face gear into my Louis Vuitton bag!!  Yippeeee!!

If you just can't wait for the Mongolian visa approval check out the Colorado Yurt Company for your immediate yurt needs.   All that fun for under 20K!!  Thank goodness I can order one for my backyard to keep my vagina in a more temperate climate.


  1. You know Jamie James has been talking about wanting some property and when he does he wants to put a yurt on it. When we were in the mountains a few weeks ago we hung out in a yurt while it was snowing. There was this large heat producing machine. But you know I could not tell you if it was still cold or not cause I had on a few layers with the top layer snow pants and a snow jacket. But if this dream ever comes true for JJ then you can do a pre-mongolia prep run.

  2. Absofrigginlutely! Maybe we could rent a camel for the weekend and make some yak butter for a truly authentic experience.

  3. Two things on this:

    #1 -- do Mongolians care if you steal their babies? They were cute and I kinda need to find one.

    #2 -- The capital of Mongolia is Ulan Bataar -- best capital city name ever! Don't ask me why I know that. Its absolutely NOT because I was a nerd in high school and thought it would be cool to learn all of the capital cities in the world. No, definitely not that.

  4. I think you can get a baby but it comes with a complementary goat. It's like a two-fer!!

    And I bow down before your 7th grade geography skills, sensei.

  5. Just like spray paint! I'm using that one... Thanks so much. You are a great resource for making me look witty.

  6. If you actually use the 'spray paint' thing in a conversation and it gets a laugh you MUST let me know. Actually even if it sucks let me know!