Sunday, March 4, 2012

Greg from accounts payable said this is the only article about Pinterest you'll ever need to read.

You can't go anywhere lately without hearing about my online lovah Pinterest.  

The only thing more popular than Pinterest is the cacophony of voices from social media gurus telling you about how popular Pinterest is.  I'm just as addicted to reading all of this poor excuse for info that I thought I'd take a break from my regularly scheduled fabulosity, anoint myself a social media guru for a day (it's pretty easy, I found the instructions on Pinterest) and talk to these people - guru y guru.
Generic Pinterest Article #1: "So what IS this Pinterest thingy?  It's the new social media!" says social media guru whose only Twitter followers that are all other social media gurus.  Um no.  It appears that you write for a social media company but welcome to 2010, asshat.  Because I'm a design blogger I'm obviously more evolutionarily awesome than all other bloggers because have you seen my banner?  Saucy.  

I dreamed about a service like this for a long time and I remember when SF Girl by Bay was beta-testing it because that's how much I needed something to organize my life - a life whose value is solely built upon the shaky house of cards of hoarding images of pretty interiors.  My Google Reader literally cried with relief.  Frankly, I just want to gloat for being an early adopter for once in my life.  LET ME HAVE THIS!!

But seriously, don't bogart Pinterest like it was invented solely for your own nefarious Social Media (with capital letters) ways.  I would use it without any kind of social media component so don't bother sending me your 'Top 10 Ways to Master Pinterest Like the Shaolin Monk of Social Media You'll Never Become' because I'm already on this like a mommy blogger on a crock pot recipe.

Or like a saucy madame on a crock pot recipe because that shit is delicious. 

Generic Pinterest Article #2: "Pinterest is blowing up, yo.  Why is it so popular?" says social media guru who has only used Pinterest for a day.  Is it really that hard to figure out?  It combines everything we like about the internet into one place: the speed and brevity of Twitter, the bookmarking of Evernote with an easier interface, the connection of social media because humans generally like other humans and we especially want other humans to like OUR brand of human without all that stupid obligation of Facebook AND it's fun.  Done.  We don't really need to analyze fun although I think I've read a few articles about it.

It's probably exploding now because of the 'Theory of Compound Interest for the Internet' that I just made up.  Or probably the tipping point.  Malcolm 's Gladwell wrote a book about it.  Maybe you should check it out.  In Malcolm's terms - we're all connectors now, grasshopper.  

Generic Pinterest Article #3: "Hey let's use Pinterest to "build content" for your brand" says the marketing asshole who wants to suck all the spontaneous joy from the internet. Why you hate teh kittehs so much, marketing dude?  Sometimes the worlds of marketing and spam overlap in a Venn diagram of Terrible Things to Avoid So People Don't Hate You and Curse Your Very Existence.  Filling your boards with your own junk and then leaving lame comments on my pins so I will come back and find you is so transparent and ruins my day.  

Six months ago Pinterest was all young, sweet and unsullied by marketers and free business schmucks posting their lame attempts at self-promotion.  But now that social media gurus have sniffed out this new barely legal site they're trying to pop her fun cherry by fingerbanging her in a dark corner of the internet.  KEEP YOUR FILTHY HANDS TO YOURSELF!  You're the #TeamFollowback of Pinterest and a disgusting pervert who preys on young girls.  WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU??!!

I just read an article suggesting that businesses pin pictures of their employees on a board so people will put a "face" with their company.  That is some serious kind of fucked up.  No one wants to see Greg from Accounts Payable at last year's Christmas party.  And I'm sure as hell not going to repin Greg unless Greg looks like Ryan Gosling and says funny things that make my heart melt.  But you should still keep your hands where I can see them Greg.  Also, maybe find a new job.  I bet Pinterest will have classifieds next month.

But not everyone is in love with Pinterest.  Haters gonna hate:

Generic Pinterest Haticle #1: "Don't bother with Pinterest because it's nothing but crafts and bible quotes" says newb who's scared of new things but hides it as condescending judgment.  I can tell that you've never actually used Pinterest before because - and this might blow your mind - you choose who you follow.  Take a minute...  I know, right?!  What a novel concept that's exactly like Twitter and tons of other social media avenues that have come before this.  

If you looked at the general Twitter stream and saw a bunch of women saying they wished Chris Brown would beat them in the face you wouldn't say "Golly, this Twitter thang is terrible!" you would bemoan the decline of human intelligence like the rest of us.  Your Pinterest/Twitter feed/Google reader is only as good as who you follow so if hate what you see, you need to have a serious convo with the man in the mirror.

Besides, if someone pins lame stuff then you get to flex your God muscles (it's like doing a Kegel) and hit that unfollow button.  You like playing the divine Almighty of the Interwebz right?!  So be compassionate like Sir Axl Rose, the Jeezus of the Beatles, about someone else's possibly horrible taste and live and let live.    

In all fairness, I've mocked the bible crafters aplenty (ohmigawd self-realization... I'm a scared newb in LIFE!) but we're all blog sisters.  Also, I write a blog about unicorns, vaginas, unicorn vaginas and wall paint colors so no one should listen to what I say.  Except for now, obviously. [MS sidebar: don't.] 

But seriously - I don't care if your pins look like Game of Thrones had a sexy and totally possible menage a trois with Kelly Wearstler and nutella, I will unfollow you if you clog my pretty pretty Pinterest stream with cascades of inspirational quotes.   Ok I'll probably just unfollow that board and keep the interiors porn...

Generic Pinterest Haticle #2: "Pinterest is nothing but crafts and bible quotes and only for LAAAADIES and eww people with boobs are silly." 

......flames on the side of my face....

I will fuck you with this bedazzled pencil holder I just made from a discarded coffee can for your backhanded sexist trope.  Didn't we work through our feelings of shock and terror about 'stereotypical lady interests are important and worthwhile endeavors' a few years ago after Etsy began going bananas with knitting and soaps?  It's damaging and ignorant for businesses to consistently be surprised when things that cater towards women or include typically female interests do well or drive trends.  Chattanooga has more cupcake stores than mustache waxing boutiques which I think proves my point exactly.  

My vagina and stomach says "you're welcome, economy."

Apparently the threat of possibly seeing one girly fashion post float across their dash is too much for some dudes to handle so they have retreated to the safe world of Gentlemint.  Or as I call it - Peenterest (not to be confused with Pornterest which is a real site).  Gentlemint is the clunky cousin that ripped off Pinterest and only allows guns and helicopters to be put in a mint.  Also, it's for fifth grade boys.

Because when you stereotype women's interest as lame then stereotyping men's interest MUST be good!  

Generic Pinterest Haticle #3: "I don't like this *air quote* Pinterest *end air quote* because I value the written word more than your silly pictures" says guy with a beard smoking a pipe at the patio outside of Starbucks who is sad no one commented on his one pin.  I think we've already established that I as a Design Blogger of Amazing Interiors and Dildo Jokes am more evolutionarily advanced so I feel comfortable saying simmer down, Hemingway.  I don't have to write a haiku about why every pin touches my soul.  I have 3000 pins and that's a lot of fucking haikus.  Pretty soon people will be judging the quality of my poetry.  Will you never stop with your judging??!!

Oh wait, they (ahem... me) already judge the quality of your captions anyway because yes, people's captions are stupid.  That's why I erase most of them and write my own stupid ones.  Or use a secret pictograph system that no one can decipher but me including phrases like "---" "nice" and "lolz. dead."  Now no one can figure out why I like this picture!

Because - and here's the real secret - I'm a selfish asshole and I don't give 2 flying fucks whether or not you "get" why I pinned something.  I pinned it for me and don't have to explain anything to you unless you're the FBI of the internet in which case no I didn't steal that image from Flickr because I totes respect Creative Commons license to the best of my abilities in understanding it.  If you want to repin that image and write your own haiku, that's fine.  If not, you should unfollow my pinboard titled "Things that make me lolz then die."

Generic Pinterest Haticle #4: "You are going to go to jail for pinning copyrighted material and Pinterest will leave you to rot in your cinder block cell and rats will eat your fingers and poop in your mouth and then Pinterest will sell your photography and make millions off of you.  Mwahahahahaha!  And you'll have dirty prison hair."  says doomsday theorist who is also stocking panic room because the Mayans told them so.  Honestly, I have no clue about this type of thing but hasn't Tumblr been doing the exact same thing for years and we all seem to be okay?  

I have much more of a problem with pinners not pinning correctly and losing the sources - that is wrong and it makes hipsters, bloggers and artists mad and we all run the world so that's not cool.  If you can't understand how to pin from a permalink or include the name of the source then you need to give up your driver's license because I don't trust you to be on the road with me.

Considering I haven't heard about a single copyright infringement case involving any sites like this I think we can all rest easy for a bit.  Is Pinterest tracking our paths, skimming money from our links and eventually going to sell our pinning profiles to Google so they can tailor ads specifically to us for things that will make us lolz and die?  Prolly.  Thus is the secret life of the interwebz.  But the few times I've dealt with Pinterest personally (ironically because they had to take down some pins that Houzz did not want me to pin because it might infringe on their users rights) and their new anti-pin code makes me think they care a LOT more about lil ol' me than Mr. Google.  But I guess I've drunk the Pinterest Kool-Aid willingly.  

Or drunk the blood orange margarita which you can totally repin right here.

I think I'm done being a social media guru so I can go get drunk and pin more.


  1. For some reason I am also obsessed with reading articles about Pinterest. I probably spend more time on those than on the site itself at this point, considering how I can't use it at work or on my phone, a.k.a., my life.

    I just went over to Peenterest and the first image I saw was a living room with a fireplace and the caption "I need a space like this." There's also milkshakes, funny Venn diagrams, terrariums, shoes, a Before and After TV Bar redo, and jokes about moustaches. All of these things I have seen on the actual Pinterest. Posted by women. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO?

    1. Yeah what is it about reading these Pinterest articles?! I can't stop even though they waste my time. Unlike Pinterest which is NEVER a waste of time.

      I think the general Peenterest stream is my Pinterest account because all of those things are awesome. Ok maybe I post more purses and nail polish but it's close! All this gender bending has got a madame confused!!

  2. I had way more fun reading your post than the cease and desist letter Pinterest sent you for infringing on photo copyright. Oh, and can you give us the URL for Peenisterest? For statistical purposes only. (K)

    1. I have the best lawyers a box of wine can buy! Let's tap it and take a gander at the Peenterest...

  3. Something more to pin....Oh, and thank you for enlightinening us to 'No You Shut Up'. I LOVE it. And here is another site you might like....

    anonymous (aka deb)

    1. The entire premise of this blog is basically 'No YOU shut up!' so I'm glad some people enjoy it. Cuz I like to rant sometimes...

      I first read that URL as and was like WTF? aka Deb?! But then I went there (b/c that name wouldn't stop me) and discovered a bounty of beauty! Thanks, milady. ; )

  4. @MS,
    Pinterest has nothing on your blog. Your blog pinterested before pinterest knew what they were doing. Keep doing what you do.

    1. Aw thanks, friend. I'll have Greg from accounts payable send you over a muffin basket and dry humps from me. ; )

  5. You freaking crack me up! That is all ;-)

    1. That is enough to brighten my day! Thanks, J. ; )

  6. Yeah, I have a friend who gentlemints and I think it's hilarious. What is manly pinning? Flexing? "Yo, I totally flexed this chair for my man study." Ha!

    1. "Hey I just flexed a picture of my hairy balls! I'm such a MAN!!!!!"

  7. Hi, this is the first post I have ever read on your blog.

    So, obviously it was awesome, but I was going to keep it to myself because it's like 10 days old, which is about 32 years in Blog Time, but then you said, "......flames on the side of my face...." and the whole thing became transcendant.

    Now, I'm going home to sleep with my wife.

    1. We never keep anything to ourselves around here (even though people probably wish I would) so 10 days or 32 years is totally fine. In fact, your comment makes ME transcendent. Thank you, new best friend. Please come back and visit. I'll make sure to have some monkey brains simmering for you.

    2. That is quite a commitment, as monkeys' brains, while popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C.

      (ps: That is where you live now.)

      (pps: Sorry to break up your Swedish meatball-a-trois)

      (ppps: But they probably don't show Chopped marathons in Sweden, so you're better off)

      (pppps: The kingdom of heaven IS at hand.)

    3. I take care of my guests.

      re: ps: Close enough.

      re: pps: That seems like a reference from an earlier blog post but that was probably 10 days/32 years ago so I can't remember. But it totally sounds like something I'd say and DO.

      re: ppps: Fucking animals.

      re: pppps: It's like Harold Camping made a cameo in that movie!!

    4. Harold Camping turned (briefly) to apocalyptic prophecy after the cancellation of his hit TV series, WKRP in HELL, and then again after he was replaced on Head of the Class by Billy Connolly.

    5. That's what it says on my resume!

  8. You had me at "I will fuck you with this bedazzled pencil holder I just made from a discarded coffee can for your backhanded sexist trope." No one else should ever write another article about Pinterest, because nothing they say can ever top that.

    1. *drops mike and exits stage left*

      But seriously, that pencil holder is awesome.

      But for serious seriously, I'm a big fan of your blog and thanks for stopping by the Sauce. ; )