No Claritin can save me from this.

Hey guess what time of the year it is, saucy readers?!  It's that special time of the year when Mother Nature shortens her skirts, is forced to shave her legs in somewhat regular intervals and blesses us with her colorful bounty.  


It's Springtime, y'all!  Let's get our blossoms on.

I really love these in multiples. Erwan Frontin via Honestly WTF

I love it how every year when Spring hits people say "Hey I think florals and pastels are going to be big this season!" and then I'm blown away by their powers of observation.  I can't wait to hear what you think is going to happen this fall, oh amazing trendforecaster of brilliance!  Do you think it might be the colors of leaves and chunky knits?

I will admit that most of my time these past two weeks has been spent in the yard joyfully playing in dirt (and a small bit of crying but that was really because of the Bermuda grass) and trying to steal plants from the local nursery so I've had flowers (and escape plans) on the brain.  

So let's get this obligatory blog post about Spring out of the way and enjoy this season's floral orgasmisplosion until the fucking devil heat of summer makes me hate the outdoors and long for some rusty garden shears to impale myself on just for the cool relief of death.  

Anthropologie

Floral on floral on stripe?  Let's do dis.

Just to be safe, maybe someone could bring me a Pop-Ice and a box fan around mid-July... to help prevent my impending suicide in my shriveled and thirsty garden.

I'm kidding.  Bring me a gawddamn margarita.  For the water-retaining powers of salt, of course.

Helen Birch

I call this beauty a study in 'petalicular efflusion.'  It's a science-sounding term I just made up for the copious amounts of sexy petals.  Also, because it sounds really smart.

I didn't think I could like that wallpaper but I do... via Design Manifest

Despite this season's sensational dose of petalicular efflusion, I'm not much of a flower person.  I try to get a bouquet a few times a year to freshen up the Ranch but the anxiety over arranging it correctly to coordinate with my coffee table stylings usually outweighs whatever pleasure gazing at its beauty brings me. 

Flawrs (as we pronounce them down here in the South) are pretty and all, but pretty is rarely an adjective in and of itself that will produce a squee from me. 

But these are purty flawrs...

So you can keep your boring and pretty roses and daisies, future gentlemen callers!  You're much more likely to have me shave my legs at somewhat regular intervals and show you my bounty if you were to woo me with a burrito and box of wine.  Or a nice painting OF flowers...  I'm complicated like that.

However if you insist on bringing me organic offerings, please make it interesting and architectural.  Or just weird. I like weird.  

Paintings by Lulie Wallace via Design*Sponge

But just so you know, a plate of brownies puts me in a state of ecstasy really damn fast...

Just like this picture!

from Fine Little Day but the horrible person on Pinterest didn't keep the source. Horrible. Ideas?

I'm awesome at segues!


But getting back to the flawrs at hand, I'm having a recent affair with really horrible tacky flower patterns.

Corey Olsen via Booooooom

I love this time travel back to 1991.  Hand to gawd, I had that picture album in middle school.  If there is a picture of me wearing some leggings in there, I will shit my leggings.

Better yet, let's wear this shit!  

Risch blazer here

Double-breasted pink and salmon floral blazer?  Uh, only if it's in a cabbage rose print your grandma would wear, amiright?!

I have been spending a lot of time at thrift stores lately scouring the racks for old floral dresses from the '90s and it has been marvelous.  I really peaked at the age of 13/14 back in 1993 so I've vowed to return to that era of flowing polyester dresses.  Just look at this gem of a print I recently acquired:

Oh, ugly print dress...  I promise I won't wear you with combat boots this time.  But you will get some action from these booties I scored for $20.  And a black blazer because I'm professional.  And to really complete the ode to the '90s, probably some free Clinique lipstick that's almost my color that I'll get during one of their giveaways.

But we ain't done yet.  If you really want to commit to this florals this Springs go big or go home:

ASOS

Not gonna lie, I might have had this outfit at one point during the early '90s but I bet it had a matching vest instead of a blazer.  It was probably more of a "taper leg" than a skinny pant...  And I had a spiral perm... 

Why did I give that shit away only to spend my weekends trolling every thrift store in the tri-state area for the same thing?!  Curses!  
Being that I'm a lady with refined and impeccable tastes (and over 30), I probably will stick to ONE piece of floral orgasmisplosion at a time (ahem).  And I refuse to fall victim to the floral cutoff short trend even if Rachel Bilson gives it a thumbs up.  I have standards.

Low, low, tacky standards.  

Without those I will turn into this:

Cecilia Paredes via Honestly WTF

Fantastic, but not really the office appropriate look I was going for.

Andres Valerio via Forgotten Hopes

We are the sick youth, indeed.


Probably from seasonal allergies.