Thursday, August 26, 2010

Design Cliche: Pandora's L-U-X-U-R-Y Box

'Pandora's L-U-X-U-R-Y box' is not code for some high-class hooker's chocha, I'm talking about the panty-creaming pandemonium that happens when design groupies see every stylists' best friend: the Hermes box.

old ad via Studio Judith

Now, the Madame is a little torn because orange is my shade for this year (I'll totally blog about that when I get around to it....) and stacking useless things is the only way I know how to decorate thanks to years of Domino.  Also I'm essentially white trash so if I was ever in possession of an Hermes box you bet your ass I'd display it.  It'd be the the first stop when guests take the design tour* of the ModSauce Ranch. First stop: Hermes box.  Second stop: Charlemagne's wing.  Third stop: Venuto.  Fourth stop: wrinkled Sferra sheets in unmade bed.  Fifth stop: the box of wine.  Just kidding.  The box of wine is the first stop.

*Guests could also take the Ghost Porn Tour but it's more expensive because of the seance and all the wet wipes used.**

**Unless you bring your own.

But I'm going to take a guess that people who decorate like this aren't white trash and probably have money and taste so they don't really have my reasonings as an excuse.  Their stacking of Hermes is probably equivalent to me keeping and displaying all my boxes from Payless Shoes.  And I would never do that. (again)

previous two via A Gift Wrapped Life

Apartment Therapy says when you see that a box in that shade of orange it instantly spells L-U-X-U-R-Y.  I can say it instantly spells    A-S-S-H-O-L-E to me.  But more of a hoarder type asshole.  With a lot more money than me and free time possibly some time spent shopping on ebay for empty boxes.  

I have a feeling that when you open one of these empty boxes evil does in fact come out.  It's like  a Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark whooshing but instead of killing Nazis it releases a sad blanket of banality, pretentiousness and forced L-U-X-U-R-Y.  It smells like musty cardboard and sweaty desperation which is like Edward Cullen sparkle pheromones to design groupies hence the aforementioned panty-creaming pandemonium.  

'LOOK AT ME, GAWDAMMIT, I'M FANCY!!!!!' it says.

previous three by Sara Story via High-Heeled Foot in the Door

And then there's Herve Pierre's apartment from the Selby...

not gonna lie... that lavender and orange clash in a good way for me.

...but I can't really *eyeroll* too much on this one because he's foreign and eccentric and therefore infinitely cooler than me and probably stacking Hermes boxes is just normal.  Also he seems like a kinda cool dude.

Buuuut the pumpkin shit really hit the fan recently with this dude's apartment.  Just look at what he has...

He is definitely not foreign or eccentric.  
I discovered I'm not the only one: Small and Chic feels the same way.  Bless you.

Here they are just hanging out in the shower for the photo shoot I suppose.  He just likes to display them to impress guests with his L-U-X-U-R-Y status but not for a national photo shoot.  That would be tacky!!

I guaran-damn-tee you that someone is at Hobby Lobby right now buying boxes and orange paint and making a 'crafty' version.  See - the evils of banality, forced L-U-X-U-R-Y and the dreaded DIY have already been unleashed upon our world.

Think I'm gonna go make a stop at the box of wine...

And then maybe go to ebay...


  1. The sad impact of a life spent in the Green Mountains of Vermont has finally struck home: I have never seen that shade of orange on a rectangular container. Not even at the flea market.
    It does remind me of a Cheezit box, a pleasant association that takes the edge off my pastoral inadequacy and would restore a modicum of satisfaction, if I had a handful of them in my mouth. Salty deliciousness!!!

  2. Oh make no mistake I've never seen an Hermes box in real life either but that's the glory of the internet. It is almost more glorious than Cheezits... almost.

  3. What I'd like to see on opening those boxes is stacks of Enron stock certificates and mortgage backed securities. That would make me feel good.

    Oh, and this is the first blog entry I've ever read that included the phrase "panty-creaming." Keep up the good work.

    David (@woodandlight)

  4. David you must come back more then! We have all kinds of raunchy fun at the expense of others and their ridiculous shopping excursions, poorly designed houses and dumb investment decisions. Welcome to the Sauce!

  5. Love this post. I hope we can revisit Kevin's home in 20 years or so. It's not just the boxes -- he hoards everything. It's going to be very grey gardens in the sky, but without a soul.

  6. "Martha darling, hand me another tin of caviar."

    Thanks for reading Amy!

  7. Richard always posts comments before I do because he wants me to follow him. But I refuse. I am leading from behind just to make him feel good. Cheezits are nasty - their only purpose is to semi-medicate and stupeforate teens. I should know, I get them from Costsco. Orange is my favorite color. Here is what those boxes say to me - "someone forgot to take out the recycling."

  8. Can we be weird blog friends? You know, the ones that talk to each other via comments and make everyone wonder if they're real life friends or bloggy friends and it they are bloggy friends, make other bloggers wish they had equally good bloggy friends?

    Because I think we're simpatico.

  9. Don't look now Alexandra FunFit, but I am following you in two directions. And right under the Madame's upturned nose! So cheeky. Being a good Christian, I also turn the other cheek. Uh-huh - that IS what I meant.

    Kevin Snarky is so squeaky clean (and smug) it makes me choke on my Cheezits. If I had as many showers as he apparently does, I would fill them with something more useful than pumpkin-rind pasteboard. Say, isn't Hermes one of those social diseases anyway? Come to think of it, so is Martha Stewart. Even if she lives near Vermont - that's why we have border patrols, to keep in eye on those Connecticut types, sneaking up here to buy our antiques at very fair prices (snicker...).

  10. Okay, I'm as guilty of loving the orange box as much as the next girl- the trick is using it to regift. Wrap that bad boy up and watch your unsuspecting gift recipients eye's light up with joy as they see that orange gloriousness only to find that you stuffed it full of cloth napkins from TJMaxx.

    Hoarding the boxes reminds me of the kids that used to save the Tommy Hilfiger keychain-esque tags from their way cool acid-washed jeans.

    So sad. Great post, btw.

  11. I am so gonna hit up the Brainerd recycle center for carboard boxes and then I am going to Hobby Lobby for Hermesish paint! I'll even stencil the white letters, and they'll be perfect. That fancy architecture degree comes in handy every now and then...

  12. @Alexandra - Please, use my comments section to take care of your personal vendettas against Rich and Cheezits. It's what I'm here for.

    @Jeannine - we were already weird blog friends in my head (after I read your similar post while researching this one) I just hadn't told you yet. I was going to break you in easy... So the answer is yes! muy simpatico. ; )

    @Rich - you need a good round of antibiotics to get rid of Hermes and the Connecticut types.

    @Nick - Oh they're beautiful no doubt - can't deny that I'd like one but like you said it's a little Tommy Hilfiger-esque. I love your regift idea!!! hahahahah! suckers.

    @Zrzuce - Looks like you just figured out what my birfday present is.

  13. Oh no your post had the opposite affect on me. Now I want a whole closet full of orange boxes! And here I always thought THE box was the pale blue one from Tiffany.

  14. Oh no - Tiffany was soo 90's. We like Hermes now! It's easy to succumb to the power of the stylists - I was a victim too. But lately it's been a little much. Prolly cuz I spend inordinate amounts of time looking at styled interiors... Happy box hunting!!

  15. Ok so the sad part of this all is that my company recently went through a rebranding (well a little over a year ago) this is their orange. Since sadly I have not stayed on top of my favorite stores packaging like I use to I did not make the connection to this orange connection. So in other words I am totally making boxes like this when I have to give stuff to folks. I wonder if people will get the same excitement when they open our boxes as you do a Hermes box!

  16. I'm absolutely positive they will! Yes start hoarding these boxes like your life depended on it. All in the name of fabulosity. ; )

  17. I would like to see what happened if you turned that shower on.

  18. Before your eyes were scratched out, you would see an OCD Martha Stewart-esque queen with fire in his eyes coming to make you pay.

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