Dirty Pretty Things

Imma about to speed through a design history lesson of recent events.  First: recession.  (Don't all recent history lessons start there?)  Shit gets real.  No money, houses make sad faces, kittens cry and people take a lot of pictures of abandoned things.

James Griffioen's Feral Houses.  Other prints still available on 20x200.

(This looks exactly like 80% of where I grew up and had I been smart back when I was, ya know, 17 I could have made a fortune selling the pictures I was already taking of my neighbors' houses but it's not like I'm bitter or anything... Moving on.)


People want authenticity and to celebrate the "ugly" and imperfect and by gawd we'll give it to them in overpriced furniture!!

The root of all Industrial Chic evil.  

And a movement was born.  Born in abandoned buildings turned into food magazine style shoots to Steampunk dads (which oddly takes a lot of money to do correctly) and minimal Scandinavian moms with baby blankets knitted of pubic hair and cradles of peeling paint, lead poisoning and rainbow shades of oxidation.  Spread your wings and take flight, post-recession handmade grunge!

via 969years

Ok, I kinda like this if I separate all attempts of function from this space and use it purely as inspiration...

I don't have a source.  Bad blogger...

via Ideas to Steal

Blah, blah, blah a homeless person lives here blah, blah, blah I'm bored keep scrolling...

Mikkel Adsbol via A Perfect Gray

Needs more peeling wallpaper.  You're not trying hard enough.

via wishflowers

Well shut my mouth.  Now we've gone beyond beyond Industrial Chic Grunge to Serial Killer Garage of Death.

Is this yearning for authenticity or just a sad monastery of gloom??

Previous two Axel Vervoordt via Design Traveller

I see your wabi sabi and raise you cryptkeeper!  

And then there's the queen of decay Debra Cronin.

Two from Debra Cronin Design

David Kohrman via If It's Hip, It's Here

Ahahahaha just kidding.  That's an abandoned building.  But throw in a chandelier and it's a Debra Cronin.  A chandelier makes everything better.  EVERYTHING!!!

And then last week this:

For the love of all that is glittery and holy WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE???!!!   I just couldn't take it anymore - it is the pinnacle of low in this entire Industrial Communist Prison Chic Shit movement and a waste of a perfectly good claw foot tub.  Although maybe it's not a good tub because there's a dead body in there that we can't see.  Perhaps he was shanked in a prison fight because I'm pretty sure that's where this bathroom is.  There's no Scrubbing Bubbles for sinning...

And then her spread on The Design Files:

Debra Cronin

I think it's Buffalo Bill's basement in Silence of the Lambs.

Seriously.  I'm a big fan of dirty and ugly and 'omigawd do I need to update my Tetanus before I go in there?' but there's nowhere left to go in this movement unless you actually show a "room to outfit" with the above space and a dress made from human skin carved from plump girls with 80's hair.  The pendulum is ready to swing in another less crusty and less murdery way.  A way that If the Lampshade Fits perfectly illustrated last week in her post about the return of pretty.

Calgon, take me away.  Or a unicorn with a saddle full of boxed wine could also take me away.  Both are equally good. 

I don't even like pink walls per se but I was one rusty razorblade away from self-mutilation after looking at those rooms up there so her post was rather timely.  In addition to 'Pretty in Pink" I'll add just lump it with plain old Traditional on my imaginary map of where the design trend pendulum is headed.  Even Lonny has teamed up with Traditional Home.  Since we're all stocked up on afghans of pubic hair and shitty DIY furniture disasters and have more money now we'll be ready to explore the NEW authentic!   Because you can totally buy authenticity out of a catalog...   


I'll look into my Madame crystal ball (everybody gets one when you send in enough yogurt tops) and say that the new(er) traditional has an American slant now that we're back to being overconfident again - a surge of neo-classic will lean almost Federalist with its delicate geometry and look extra saucy with uber-contemporary pieces.  Tired of suzanis?  You're in luck because the new "ethnic" is from a different part of the world we invaded - our own!  Native American jazz is about to be all up in your biznass.  Too brown for you?  Don't worry - you'll have your white bread 80s Ralph Lauren prep too - navy and stripes and ginghams and loafers and brass.  Yeah.  It's coming...  So is equestrian but with a Pretty Woman brown and white polka dot edge.  I swear, you can't make this shit up.  It's straight out of Crystal Ball o' Drunken Wonders.  Maybe if I get drunkier I'll make a mood board!  Having an official Madame crystal ball also means I'm contractually obligated to do a mood board at least once a quarter.


In the meantime I'll still be "authentic" in the old dirty and gloomy way because it took a lot of time to haul these rusty chairs in from the street and I "decorated" like that long before it became played out.  I just updated my Tetanus so I'm good for awhile anyway... 

Pretty things that H.G. Wells might even like. But the grammar police won't.

So there's a new online mag Est from Australia that premiered recently and I read its first (and probably my) last issue but by "read" I mean skimmed the pictures of course because nobody reads the articles in any of that stuff because nobody really cares what those magazines have to say because we're too busy writing our own copy in our heads when we look at it because everything WE bloggers say is better than what those vanilla articles say except when WE are the bloggers that get famous enough to make our own magazines and you sure as shit better read my fake future magazine.  Rue might as well be in Sanskrit for how much I pay attention to the text.  People might say print is dead but I think what's really following Liz Taylor up to the MJ in the sky is engaging and informative storytelling as it relates to design.  And proper sentence structure.  I think my first Mobius strip sentence of this paragraph proves that point pretty clearly and it will probably continue to be illustrated throughout this post and subsequent posts.  


Oh look - pretty things!

I don't know what's going on here but it's matte black, shiny white and natural wood.  I'm liking this color combo so much lately I kinda designed my kitchen in it.  I wish I had more shiny things like in that back right corner but I think that can be arranged.  The fact that I don't have anything in the kitchen that sparkles like that is a shame to high maintenance divas hard-working Madames everywhere.   Why I didn't make a mosaic backsplash from all my costume jewelry we'll never know.  [MS sidebar: I know why - I still wear that shit for really special occasions like Friday night margarita night and when Charlemagne and I have dress-up parties.  Those are on Saturdays.  Sometimes Tuesday... ]

Feel free to write your own commentary in your head.  I won't be offended.

I feel like it's last year's Primitive Glamour but even more primitive.  And earthier...

I'm talking subterranean.  Like Morlock type of "earthy" where things are molten hot and weird and grow in awkward stalagmite formations.  With lamp shades on top... And shiny crystalline things.  Don't question my story.

Oh and awkward furniture.  It's a Morlock throne.

I think this proves the value of a good stylist because this is a big ole mess but I want to live here too!!  I'm such a sucker.

Aren't we done with bones?  Or is that an Eloi skull?  Did I just overload on nerdery?

All images from Est via the cool blog Number 19

Oh who cares.  This blog is 53% fantastical images, 41% words of some kind (possibly Sanskrit - you don't know), 13% boxed wine and 7% glitter.   

And 3% dumb references that only I think are cool.

Everything but the kitchen sink... Part B

We ain't done yet!!  We're still on the gravy train from yesterday and you can't get off!  I'm not sure I know what a gravy train actually is but it sounds delicious and I will absolutely make gravy in my new kitchen as soon as I have, you know, power and water and stuff.

So here's some more design decisions I've been forced to make lately...

Appliance-y thingies:

I'm not updating any of my major appliances because as much as I'd like to think I shit glitter and money it doesn't happen.  My stove and fridge aren't even stainless steel *GASP* but since they work I don't see a need to replace them.  It's the ultimate in "green" design.  However, I want a counter depth fridge so bad I will most likely resort to shameful behavior to get some bank in order to buy one this summer.  Or fall depending on how much my "morals" get in the way of me getting the stuff I want.  


But I do have to get a new microwave.  

So help me gawd if you don't fit...

This has become the bane of my existence.  It will mount into the cabinets like you see in the earlier renderings and will look all sleek and fancy with a trim kit.  Too bad no one in the tri-state area sells microwaves with trim kits and finding a model online with decent reviews and easily understood specs has regretably become my new hobby.  Hey Madame, wanna go out for Mexican tonight?  Thanks but I've got to spend countless hours this Friday night pouring over microwave installation manuals and decoding model numbers to stupid appliances that I will most likely only use to soften cream cheese and melt butter but maybe next year!  I've already bought and returned one microwave and its "coordinating" trim kit because it most certainly did not "coordinate" with the size it stated online.  This time I found another option and because Nick knows his cabinets better than me I asked him to confirm with the manufacturer that it would work.  Threats were made and a customer service may have cried but the appropriate microwave and trim kit were ordered.  Thanks Nick!

I also had to buy a range hood. 

The Arietta Toscana.  I got mine on ebay for $100 off.  Suck it Home Depot.

I would have been begrudgingly okay with the microwave-over-the-stove combo because that's what everyone in my neighborhood has and it's pretty standard for this type of remodel.  Until I saw the fancy plans!  This one's all sleek and rectangularly sexy and rectangularly sexy is EXACTLY the theme of my kitchen.  I don't know anything about buying range hoods but you have to calculate the sucking action (CFM) against the noise action (sones) - this helped because I have no fucking clue - a week of math, comparing prices, math, math... oh look!  This one's on sale!  SOLD!!

And I couldn't forget this!

Whoa, Madame.  Try not to overwhelm me with the glamtastic rainbow of awesomeness going in your kitchen.  I know, try to contain your jubilation.  Even though I compost I really REALLY miss having a garbage disposal.  Normally I like to compare up to three models of something for reviews and features but I sooo could not give a flying rat's ass right now.  I just bought the one Nick said.  Done.  

At this point all the little things are starting to add up to a mountain of epic minutiae that I don't care about even though I'm a bit neurotic and DO care about it immensely if they are wrong.  Things like what I want my baseboards to look like, the shape of my outlets, omigawd my outlet covers...???!!  Good gawd I didn't research slick and cutting edge outlet covers!!!!  What am I going to do????!!!  Awww fuck it.  THIS is why I'm not a real Interior Designer because I hated specifying things like this.  People who do that for a living are saints who deserve tons and tons of money.  Money that I don't have to give them but OTHER people that have money should definitely give it to them.  I want to draw and color and compose mood boards and look at cabinets and tile all day tra-li-la-li-la because those are the things that dreams are made of.  That and unicorn rides through a waterfall.

Color-y things:

So here's the thing that really interests me - PAINT!!

Your subtlety is pure sex.  Unassuming, white sex.  It's not even vanilla sex because vanilla has too much color.

No it's NOT just white!!!!  It's Benjamin Moore's Soft Chamois.  I wanted something that would read like a non-color.  Other than shiny, non-color is my favorite color.  I tried up to but not exceeding twelve color samples because more than that would be crazy.  You might think this is a Guinness record of some kind but it's about usual for around here at the Ranch.  I have terrible commitment issues with paint because the wrong color will mean I will die a little each day when I look at it.  Yes it's just. that. dramatic.  White is hard and I'm not the only one who feels that way - too grey and I'm cooking pizza rolls in a tomb, too yellow and it's like a gawddamned "Tuscan" kitchen, too blue and it's icy like the Fortress of Solitude (although... ), too red and I'm living in a whorehouse.  Paint can be such a slut.  Soft chamois is perfect - grey enough that it feels crisp enough to match all the stainless steel but with an undertone of green warmth to compliment the wood counters. 

That's the kind of stuff that gets me off.  Under cabinet lighting and garbage disposals need to keep on walkin because I'm not interested in what they have to offer.  

Unless maybe it's a ticket on the gravy train to the Fortress of Solitude because I'd be down for that.

Everything but the kitchen sink... Part Uno.

We're about 90% done with the kitchen and this last 15% is nothing but the details.  Mies van der Rohe said God is in the details but I don't think he was talking about math or garbage disposals or undercabinet lighting because this shit is so zzzzzzz........  

............................................

Where am I??!!  Oh yeah.  Talking about unimportant things that if not done right become really really important but are really really boring to me because it's not about gorgeous tile and pretty things and I can't make Nick do this for me because I'm out of money to pay for his time and he won't accept cookies and "special" skyping sessions as payment I'm too anal retentive to give up all control.  But we're in the home stretch and I just need to adjust my newly found lady balls and start kicking ass and taking names.

But since we're so close I'm also not going to give you any more pictures because mwahahahaha!!  The next two posts are all the things that aren't sinks and countertops and cabinets and tile but are completely occupying my brain and making a Madame pretty cranky.  It's enough to drive someone deeper into the sauce. 

Lighting: 

I don't know shit about lighting.  Back in ye olde design school I had an award-winning lighting professor (there are awards for that shit?) that was a bit washed up and all I remember is staring at her facelift scars a lot when she actually showed up to class and wondering if she had a drinking problem.  Needless to say I don't know how to calculate lumens or candelas or what the difference is between them but I DO know that you should have layers of light.  I'm sure I didn't learn that in school either.  So the main light will be recessed lights as we've already seen.

I always thought recessed lights were a necessary evil but they are growing on me.  Especially when they are in such a purty formation.  I bought the cheap ass baffles at Home Depot because it all looks the same to me.  Y'all can edumicate in the comments if you're so inclined but I ain't buying $50 trim parts (which I'm sure look better) so you might be wasting your keystrokes.


The next layer is decorative accent lighting.  I think.  I'm making all this up as I go along...  I wanted two pendants over the windows - simple, sleek and non-invasive.  A few years ago when I was just having dirty fantasies about the kitchen remodel  I even drew what I wanted:

Should they be 'globes (chrome)' or 'chrome (globes)'...???  What about just 'globes with chrome' or 'chrome globes'...??  Lighting is hard.

I'm design psychic so when I found the ubiquitous-yet-reasonably-priced globe at West Elm I was sold!

Granted, now my kitchen will look like the checkout counter at a West Elm store but once you sketch something you're locked in forever. 

Then there's task lighting:  

Why do you make it so hard for me??????

This seems easy until I realized that having hardwired, dimmable and linkable undercabinet lighting might as well be the Holy Grail for how easy it is to find at a local Home Depot.  I should know - I went to three stores and still bought the wrong ones.  It's okay though because the electrician installed them wrong so we're even.  Now I'm waiting on the "correct" ones to be delivered to complete my trifecta of lighting awesomeness.  Everything is on a dimmer of course because I can't julienne without the appropriate ambiance.  I'm kidding.  I don't julienne I slap and chop of course.


Hardware:
I want simple slightly contemporary stuff.  Nothing crazy so should be easy right?!  Wrong.  Having taste that cannot be satisfied at a local big box store but a wallet that MUST be satisfied there is proving problematic.  Pretty much your only "contemporary" option is this:

Euro trash bar.

I think anyone who buys these handles needs to have one shoved up their ass sideways and then see how they feel about it.  I think a tiny round bar - no matter how long it is - is actually NOT comfortable to open a door with but maybe it's just my delicate angel hands are sensitive to such things.  They are also sensitive to poor design because that little overhang on each end makes me want to stab the designer with it.  Since it's so short it wouldn't be fatal but that's okay - I want them to suffer just like I do every time I look at those handles.  Or I could just beat them with it since it looks like a security guard's nightstick.  If I'm going to have hardware that looks like a weapon it's going to be nunchucks because motherfuckin DUH!  Or possibly like the knife-on-a-chain thing from Ninja Assassin although that might be hurtier on my hands than the Euro trash bar...

Since nunchuck hardware wasn't happening I really wanted something like this:

Pointy fabulosity.

Ahhhh....  So much better.  You might argue that a tiny square bar isn't much more hand-friendly that a tiny round one but I might also stab you with the end of the euro bar above.  But then I would agree with you because you're probably right.  Also, these don't exist at a price I can afford and the IKE-RA ones are made of aluminum and Nick said that was not ideal.

Something with a Swedish name. 

So I ended up with this.  It is from IKE-RA too but all in stainless steel so hopefully that will cancel out the, ya know, questionable IKE-RA craftsmanship a little. I like its square-y shape but it has a more ergonomic and comfortable curve on the inside where your hand rests.  Also, it's dirt cheap and easily available without ordering countless samples from the internet.  I like that.  It's a little clunky and I wish that this and the handle above it would get married and have a baby (because having hardware babies out of wedlock is wrong) but apparently the laws of the universe don't work like I want them to.  Newton's fourth law should be something about the force of a Madame's fabulosity should be equal to the amount of decorgasm-inducing swag received in return.  Oh - maybe it is and that's why I got this hardware...   

Moving on!!

I'll finish up this list of funness next time.  And that tingle you feel deep down?  Yeah, that's the squee that's building up for when you see the final reveal because the ModSauce kitchen is about to ignite your design loins on fiyah!!!  

Oh the things I've seen to bring you the Sauce...

About half of the time I find a cool image - be it a saucy vintage diva, a kitteh or a good interior - and go to find the source to find more deliciousness I am inevitably led to some tumblr page with a ton of gay porn.  Now, I don't know what that says about my aesthetic but I swear to gawd I'm going to break the internet's face if I have to scroll through one more page of hairy ass to find the stuff I'm actually interested in.  THIS IS WHAT I DO FOR YOU PEOPLE!!!!


I'm not discriminating against your hairy taint if you in fact have one or like one but it's sort of a buzzkill when I'm trying to find more pictures of glitter eyeshadow and then it's all BAM!  Ass balls in my face.  Rest assured readers that I, Madame Sunday, heretofore in to-eth swearest that this post and the tumblr wishflowers where all of the below images came from is 100% taint free to the best of my knowledge and the only kind of porn on these pages will be design porn.  You're welcome.

here

I'll note the link for each image so you can explore that rabbit hole if you want.  I'm done.  I've reached my 'bear in leather chaps' quota for the decade.

here

James Whistler here

here

The quota I haven't reached?  Sunshine.  Seriously, where does light like this exist because it's nowhere near the ModSauce Ranch.  Perhaps it lives in Photoshop...

here

here

Jeane Myers here

here

Black house, green roof!

here

I still have architectural jungle fevah.

here

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I wish graffiti in Chattavegas looked like that.  We mostly have gang signs with zero panache and a few misspelled obscenities.  Start getting creative local street thugs!!

here

I also wish there was furniture in Chattavegas that looked like that.  Or I guess I could set some shit on fire this weekend but I think my IKEA Lack tables will just melt and not char so pretty.

Gerhard Richter here

here

I'm not sure what those Series 7 chairs did to go to the time-out corner but it musta been bad. 

here

here

The corners are all a little hurty to me but how many times did you draw a swimming pool of some kind in your fantasy house when you were about nine years old?  Or was I the only one who drafted fantasy floorplans with my Hello Kitty set of colored pencils?  I also drew pages and pages of interlocking plumbing pipes with my hot pink ruler and a primitive T-square I made out of a broken VHS case of the Care Bears movie... that's all totally normal right??!  RIGHT????!!!!

here

here

I'd really like to find out more about this building but I'm scared to follow the source link.  If someone is brave enough to venture on please let me know and I'll be forever in your debt.  Go with gawd, friend.

here

here

I said this post is100% taint free not free of delicious burrito unicorns.