Saturday, November 21, 2009

Scientists really need to study the power of the fangirl. It could propel rockets.

You might think that this blog is so high class and sophisticated that I wouldn't dare read something as low brow as Twilight.  But you'd be wrong.  Waaaay wrong.  I could talk about the poor excuse for literature it is or how it sets bad examples for impressionable young teens but I won't.  Because I don't care about any of that.  I care about sparkly vampires.  I now record the timline of my life in terms of "BT - Before Twilight" and "AT - After Twilight".  DON'T YOU FUCKING JUDGE ME!!!!!! 

So naturally I preordered tickets for a group of friends and we voluntarily stood in line for over an hour on opening day to see New Moon.  I really don't care about seeing something on opening day but I DO care about standing in line judging other people for doing the exact same thing I'm doing.  Oh you use Wet N' Wild for your body glitter?!  What a loser.  Real fans use Urban Decay body shimmer you fucking amateurs!!!  Edward doesn't like cheap drugstore makeup you dumb slut. 

We had spent hours planning our evening - booze soaked snacks to hide in our bags, arrival time and parking, properly planned bathroom breaks.  Or so I thought.  4 hours before showtime TRAFFIC was backed up outside the theater.  Fuck me.  I'm starting to get nervous.  The booze-soaked candy wasn't ready.  I CAN'T LISTEN TO THESE TWEENERS SQUEE WHILE SOBER!!!!!  I chugged some wine so that sufficed.  I held the pee the whole time while we waited until the last possible second but I timed in wrong.  I came out of the bathroom and the line was moving in and my party was gone.  OH JESUS OF THE SPARKLE BEINGS HELP ME!!!!!!!  I panicked and just knocked over some bitches in Team Jacob tshirts just to get back in line somewhere.  I just knew that some 16 yr old usher on a power trip was inside the theater not allowing people to save seats and I was already preparing to punch him in the neck to get to my friends inside.  But apparently other fans aren't as vicious as me and generously allowed me upsies.  I didn't even have to punch anyone.  So now I could just relax.

Until a special undead virgin smirked and a wolf boy got half nekkid and then all hell broke loose with my unmentionables.  I squeed on the inside.

So is this going to win an oscar?  No.  Is it even going to win over any critics?  HELL NO.  But I love it like I love my socially retarded time in ninth grade.  It was full of hot guys, dumb dialogue and overdramatizing and I loved every fucking embarassing minute of it. 

For those of you counting my ninth grade year was 11 years BT.

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