You might think that this blog is so high class and sophisticated that I wouldn't dare read something as low brow as Twilight. But you'd be wrong. Waaaay wrong. I could talk about the poor excuse for literature it is or how it sets bad examples for impressionable young teens but I won't. Because I don't care about any of that. I care about sparkly vampires. I now record the timline of my life in terms of "BT - Before Twilight" and "AT - After Twilight". DON'T YOU FUCKING JUDGE ME!!!!!!
So naturally I preordered tickets for a group of friends and we voluntarily stood in line for over an hour on opening day to see New Moon. I really don't care about seeing something on opening day but I DO care about standing in line judging other people for doing the exact same thing I'm doing. Oh you use Wet N' Wild for your body glitter?! What a loser. Real fans use Urban Decay body shimmer you fucking amateurs!!! Edward doesn't like cheap drugstore makeup you dumb slut.
We had spent hours planning our evening - booze soaked snacks to hide in our bags, arrival time and parking, properly planned bathroom breaks. Or so I thought. 4 hours before showtime TRAFFIC was backed up outside the theater. Fuck me. I'm starting to get nervous. The booze-soaked candy wasn't ready. I CAN'T LISTEN TO THESE TWEENERS SQUEE WHILE SOBER!!!!! I chugged some wine so that sufficed. I held the pee the whole time while we waited until the last possible second but I timed in wrong. I came out of the bathroom and the line was moving in and my party was gone. OH JESUS OF THE SPARKLE BEINGS HELP ME!!!!!!! I panicked and just knocked over some bitches in Team Jacob tshirts just to get back in line somewhere. I just knew that some 16 yr old usher on a power trip was inside the theater not allowing people to save seats and I was already preparing to punch him in the neck to get to my friends inside. But apparently other fans aren't as vicious as me and generously allowed me upsies. I didn't even have to punch anyone. So now I could just relax.
Until a special undead virgin smirked and a wolf boy got half nekkid and then all hell broke loose with my unmentionables. I squeed on the inside.
So is this going to win an oscar? No. Is it even going to win over any critics? HELL NO. But I love it like I love my socially retarded time in ninth grade. It was full of hot guys, dumb dialogue and overdramatizing and I loved every fucking embarassing minute of it.
For those of you counting my ninth grade year was 11 years BT.