Would you like some fries with your pretension?

So I spend the first 45 minutes or so in the morning just trying to get my brain around the fact that I have to work before the hour of 10 am.  This morning I read this and this on my homepage all courtesy of bing I guess. First of all I can't figure out how the hell to use my MSN/Bing combo homepage because it give me tons of headlines that seem helpful like “who's the latest scientology escapee” or “identify your rash” but when I click on it I’m just transferred to a bunch of search options and not the actual fucking answer. Well I could just google that you dumbass and I’m still no closer to figuring out what these itchy red things are on my arm!!!!!


Anywho, I’m like every middle class upwardly mobile white person in that I love Starbucks. I'm a marketer's dream.  It makes me feel important. It’s an overpriced treat that I have a few times a week because my disposable income only allows for a $4 coffee and NOT for a nice tv or furniture that doesn’t come from the thrift store. It’s the little things in life…

But according to the internet people apparently HATE Starbucks.  GASP!!!!!  I had no idea!!!!  Thanks for the hard-hitting reporting MSN!!!  Yeah, yeah, yeah - they're overpriced, prey on us poor unsuspecting consumers, treat their employess like shit and push out the locals.  And they’re everywhere.  Who gives a fuck? When my hick town got a starbucks I rejoiced and sang hallelujah to the jesus of the caffeine gods. It didn’t take away business from other mom and pop coffee shops because there WEREN’T ANY MOM AND POP COFFEE SHOPS!!!! Now I don’t live in a real city but I have been known to travel to civilization from time to time and when I’m in a big scary giant city and I see that Starbucks it’s like a beacon to me. (WHAT ARE YOU DUANE READE???)   I know exactly what Starbucks will look like inside and exactly what my drink will taste like and exactly what kind of bland forgettable music I’ll drink it to.  I pay extra for the sweet sweet comfort of banality. 

Oh they're losing taste tests??  DUHHH YOU FUCKTARDS!!!!!  The coffee is like pure motor oil and their pumpkin spice latte which I wait ALL. FUCKING. YEAR. FOR tastes like shit this year.  But I get a latte because I like the taste of the Starbucks latte and not for the magical way in which they make their coffee.  I don't go to McDonald's because I want a hamburger I go there because I want something that tastes like McDonald's. 

McDonald's tastes like salt and yellow.

And nobody is writing articles that I could find (but I used Bing so who knows) about how McDonald's is ruining local burger joints and hurting our local economy.  They might be ruining my taste buds with their horrible coffee and slowly killing me by way of heartattack but not my economic neighborhood.*  People should be thanking Starbucks because now those other coffee places can charge $4 for a latte.  What do you think the dollar value menu does to the other local restaurants?  

So frankly if you people live in big cities and and don't want your Starbucks (what's the plural? Starbi?)  I'll take them.  That empty lot between the Check Into Cash and Taco Bell is empty and I'm thirsty.




*They probably are ruining my community but I really don't have the space or inclination to discuss how communities in poverty with large numbers of minorities are affected by the inequitable access to healthy foods and how it is just a convenient side effect of corporate greed in its on-going quest to make more money at the sake of the uneducated and desperate** people in this country.

**desperate for a fish filet