I attempted fabulosity this weekend. Utter and glorious destruction ensued.

So while everyone else was getting buffed, waxed, botoxed, primped, vajazzled, curled and spanxed or getting drunk and sharpening their snark skills in preparation for the Oscars I was getting dirty at the Ranch.  It was DEMO WEEKEND!!!!!!  

First I had to pack everything away...

Nighty night dishes.

I'm kidding.  I started off giving things homes but the majority of my boxes looked like this:

Note to self: if you buy turmeric you actually have to USE it.

So here are the before pictures.  I'm completely desensitized to it but you are not so have a shot of whiskey nearby just in case you need to disinfect your eyes Civil War style.

Yeah.  I live here.  I'm obviously the least high-maintenance Madame on the planet.   I know what you're thinking - why the fuck did you not just throw some paint on those walls until you could actually do the entire remodel???  Well this remodel was always only just a few months away.  I ripped off the soffit (uncovering vomitous "paint job" near the ceiling) when I moved in because I was going to do the kitchen RIGHT AWAY!!  But shit happens and money magically disappears until I'm totally ready to do that in the fall, I swear! before more shit would happen and then all of a sudden it's years later and I can't live like this anymore.

Also, someone needs to get me to a photography class STAT!

At one time the cabinets were a natural pine paneling that they painted death-to-your-baby lead white in 1764.  The red counter and backsplash are a continuous bloody laminate slash through the room.  This kitchen really is designed to kill.  If you think about it (don't do it for too long or you will start convulsing) matching the backsplash and countertop is a pretty slick thing to do.  And the laminate has a pretty cool linen-y pattern similar to things I still see today.  

But OMIGAWD I WANT THIS KITCHEN TO DIE!!!  And that metal trim is just a filth trap.  Buh bye now.

I swear the fridge is smiling.

So here she is in her final glory.  And by "glory" I mean heartbreaking sadness obviously.

If you're wondering, no I didn't have a bronzer orgasmisplosion.  This is the glue used to attach the laminate to the walls.  I like to use it as a Rorschach test for new guests.  What do you see new friend?  If you said a hippo/rhino-like animal on the bottom right that has a white unicorn horn and a rainbow coming out of its ass then you can stay.  If not I think you need to go see a therapist.  Or drink more.

So four of my sauciest friends came over to partake in the fun.  We laughed, we cried and we tore shit up.  Actually they did a lot of the tearing, I did a lot of cringing at loud noises and taking pictures.  But I totally hit a few things with a hammer and carried heavy things out to the dump pile.  This is essential to the process.

Ok are you ready? 

Boom.  Done.  Squee.  Turns out that all of the cabinets were hung with only a few nails randomly hammered in near the top because that's totally the proper way to install cabinets to ensure they last forever.  Well, they lasted 50 years but I think they were held together with that paint and probably piss and vinegar.  Or maybe it was the satanic curse and bacon grease...  who can know these things.  Just a few dudes and a hefty pull and they practically jumped off the walls.  They don't want to be in this kitchen any more than I want them there either.  

I was so excited after these came down I had to change my pants.

So close!  The lower cabinets basically walked out on their own.  We did uncover a few surprises in the dead space in the corners like a petrified biscuit, a marble and some unidentified brown things. Sadly, no porn this time.  

This house... is clean.

Well, we did have to stand in a circle holding hands and chant the lyrics to Lady Gaga songs while burning sage over a Diptyque candle but sometimes we just like to do that anyway.

I was worried about the floor underneath that beautiful yellowed linoleum would be a mess of pentagramic proportions but all turned out well.

In fact, the original flooring was a groovy rainbow confetti pattern.  Suddenly, the pine cabinets and red laminate seem a lot more fun.  

Underneath that was a rather interesting layer of oak flooring in varying widths.  I panicked for a bit because I'd already ordered my tile gawddamit and you don't cover up oak.  Eventually we figured out that this wasn't supposed to be a finished surface because it didn't match the rest of the hardwood in the house and there was a giant seam running down the middle of the room like a giant buttcrack.  I guess this is just how shit was built a million years ago.  I gave up a long time ago trying to figure out these old timey people.

So now I'm left with a backyard full of this:

I kinda forgot about actually disposing of all the nastiness that we pulled out of the kitchen but I'm hoping the White Witch Candice Olsen will help magically transport this stuff to the dump.

In the meantime neighborhood kids can play on this...

Blessed be.