Sunday, February 27, 2011

I attempted fabulosity this weekend. Utter and glorious destruction ensued.

So while everyone else was getting buffed, waxed, botoxed, primped, vajazzled, curled and spanxed or getting drunk and sharpening their snark skills in preparation for the Oscars I was getting dirty at the Ranch.  It was DEMO WEEKEND!!!!!!  

First I had to pack everything away...
Nighty night dishes.

I'm kidding.  I started off giving things homes but the majority of my boxes looked like this:
Note to self: if you buy turmeric you actually have to USE it.

So here are the before pictures.  I'm completely desensitized to it but you are not so have a shot of whiskey nearby just in case you need to disinfect your eyes Civil War style.

Yeah.  I live here.  I'm obviously the least high-maintenance Madame on the planet.   I know what you're thinking - why the fuck did you not just throw some paint on those walls until you could actually do the entire remodel???  Well this remodel was always only just a few months away.  I ripped off the soffit (uncovering vomitous "paint job" near the ceiling) when I moved in because I was going to do the kitchen RIGHT AWAY!!  But shit happens and money magically disappears until I'm totally ready to do that in the fall, I swear! before more shit would happen and then all of a sudden it's years later and I can't live like this anymore.

Also, someone needs to get me to a photography class STAT!
At one time the cabinets were a natural pine paneling that they painted death-to-your-baby lead white in 1764.  The red counter and backsplash are a continuous bloody laminate slash through the room.  This kitchen really is designed to kill.  If you think about it (don't do it for too long or you will start convulsing) matching the backsplash and countertop is a pretty slick thing to do.  And the laminate has a pretty cool linen-y pattern similar to things I still see today.  

But OMIGAWD I WANT THIS KITCHEN TO DIE!!!  And that metal trim is just a filth trap.  Buh bye now.

I swear the fridge is smiling.

So here she is in her final glory.  And by "glory" I mean heartbreaking sadness obviously.

If you're wondering, no I didn't have a bronzer orgasmisplosion.  This is the glue used to attach the laminate to the walls.  I like to use it as a Rorschach test for new guests.  What do you see new friend?  If you said a hippo/rhino-like animal on the bottom right that has a white unicorn horn and a rainbow coming out of its ass then you can stay.  If not I think you need to go see a therapist.  Or drink more.

So four of my sauciest friends came over to partake in the fun.  We laughed, we cried and we tore shit up.  Actually they did a lot of the tearing, I did a lot of cringing at loud noises and taking pictures.  But I totally hit a few things with a hammer and carried heavy things out to the dump pile.  This is essential to the process.

Ok are you ready? 
Boom.  Done.  Squee.  Turns out that all of the cabinets were hung with only a few nails randomly hammered in near the top because that's totally the proper way to install cabinets to ensure they last forever.  Well, they lasted 50 years but I think they were held together with that paint and probably piss and vinegar.  Or maybe it was the satanic curse and bacon grease...  who can know these things.  Just a few dudes and a hefty pull and they practically jumped off the walls.  They don't want to be in this kitchen any more than I want them there either.  

I was so excited after these came down I had to change my pants.

So close!  The lower cabinets basically walked out on their own.  We did uncover a few surprises in the dead space in the corners like a petrified biscuit, a marble and some unidentified brown things. Sadly, no porn this time.  

This house... is clean.

Well, we did have to stand in a circle holding hands and chant the lyrics to Lady Gaga songs while burning sage over a Diptyque candle but sometimes we just like to do that anyway.

I was worried about the floor underneath that beautiful yellowed linoleum would be a mess of pentagramic proportions but all turned out well.

In fact, the original flooring was a groovy rainbow confetti pattern.  Suddenly, the pine cabinets and red laminate seem a lot more fun.  

Underneath that was a rather interesting layer of oak flooring in varying widths.  I panicked for a bit because I'd already ordered my tile gawddamit and you don't cover up oak.  Eventually we figured out that this wasn't supposed to be a finished surface because it didn't match the rest of the hardwood in the house and there was a giant seam running down the middle of the room like a giant buttcrack.  I guess this is just how shit was built a million years ago.  I gave up a long time ago trying to figure out these old timey people.

So now I'm left with a backyard full of this:
I kinda forgot about actually disposing of all the nastiness that we pulled out of the kitchen but I'm hoping the White Witch Candice Olsen will help magically transport this stuff to the dump.

In the meantime neighborhood kids can play on this...
Blessed be.


  1. Brava! When do your new cabinets arrive?

  2. It looks like you had a blast and now the monstrosity is history, well except for it still hanging around outside before Candice Olsen makes it disapear!

    Brenda Lynn

  3. Paul - The arrive on the 15th! I can't wait to spend some alone time with them.

    Brenda - I hope she gets here fast! We had a lot of fun this weekend and I'm really excited!

  4. Well, it was great to finally see that infamous red laminate I've always heard about. Oh, and BTW: Those last two photos? That's how my back yard looks all the time! (Just kidding!). Congratulations on the demo, and good luck with the rest of the remodel!

  5. John - Thank you! It's been such a long time coming that I can't believe it's here! And yeah, my backyard has a permanent dump pile that varies in size according to what's going on inside... ; )

  6. Candice Olsen is only interested if the shit's aquamarine and she can hang a teeny tiny pendant smack in the middle of your space.

    P.S. I'm crazypants excited for you!

  7. It's good to see the project under-way MS, and I'm glad there's no black mastic beneath the floor finish, 'cause that stuff is "pitch from hell", and would definitely seal the hell-gate status of your pentagonal kitchen.

    Actually, it'd be much more insidious than that, given that black mastic often contains asbestos.


  8. That was an exceptional post. I enjoyed it a bunch. Thanks.

  9. Man, you guys were up late last night!

    Raina - Candice seems to have some kind of power that I can't quite figure out but I need to get me some of it... the power of the same color scheme for all eternity probably. And thanks! I'm pretty crazy pants excited too!

    Jeanine - oh you will see progress. This here blog will be filled with nothing but kitchen until you want to die! I mean, you'll love it!

    Izzy - no mastic but there was a lot of glue. But since I'm not keeping those hardwoods underneath I don't care! Tra la la li la.... I've already had a few asbestos scares in the house and good lord knows what we inhaled this weekend but sometimes the sun does shine on a madame. ; )

    Extremely Average - Thanks Brian! Always nice to see you at the Sauce!

  10. Just so you know, I have been looking forward to this post more than the release of Lady Gaga's video for "Born This Way". That is huge.

    I am so glad that there was no mastic under the floor. But, there is no telling what our poor, delicate, young(ish), pink (in reality, probably browned with age) lungs were exposed to! (Oh, the sacrifices we gays make for our diva!) But, a Proni's lunch with the Madame totally makes it worth it! Shoo, that Gyro was GOOD!

    I've been telling people at the office about your barely-attached-to-the-wall cabinets. We architects like to talk smugly about poor construction; we get to put on airs of how we would have done it better. I still can't believe the only things standing between you and a floor full of broken dishes were five--FIVE!-- finish nails!

    All that said, I can't wait to see the progress!

  11. This is wonderful! I'm glad to see some pictures that are "right side up". Says a lot about the space when one can mistake it bottoms side up.


    I'm so excited! Wish I could've been there for the demo!

  12. Zrzuce - A Lady Gaga video is truly momentous so I hope I did not disappoint! When I met with the contractors this morning they too were surprised at how the cabinets were "installed" - I use quotes here. Glad you enjoyed the pizza (it cures all diseases) and soooo glad you guys were able to help a diva in need. I'll buy you pizza forever. You are awesome!

    Nick - I WISH you could have been there! It would have been so much more fun than an Oscar party fo sho!

    Bottoms up! ; )

  13. Since you're in the South, I assume that there was some petrified gravy with the petrified biscuit. That must be what the brown things are. You're welcome.

  14. David - you are so wise. I'm sure that's exactly what it was. Mmhhhh... gravy.

  15. You'll be so jealous, yet excited, to learn that I had that same polka-dotty tile in my Boulder house. But in blue! Out of respect, the closet was left intact so future generations could enjoy that tile. Since I'm a west coast gal, please tell David Mathias that the biscuit probably came with petrified guacamole, not gravy. What is wrong with you people?

  16. AFF - That's really cool! I wasn't kidding - when I saw that tile I really did like the whole space a lot better! And I don't know what the hell happens out west but if guacamole ever gets near a biscuit of mine I'll punch it in the face.

    But also, mmmhhh... guacamole.

  17. Unfortunately, the White Witch is busy getting vajazzled.

  18. I want to know where the petrified chicken was. Mmm. Chicken 'n biscuits, now that's some good Southern food!

    Really, your kitchen was quite disappointing in terms of found nastiness. No rat's nest, no yellowed newspapers from 1977, no bugs. Just a bottle of Oxyclean, three acorns, and a paltry amount of petrified food.

  19. Zrzuce - I think most of the filth was actually ON the cabinets and not tucked away behind it. At least I admire their "no frontin" policy. Hey, they were just keepin it real.

  20. Alycia - sorry, I skipped you! I wonder if the White Witch gets vajazzled EVERYWHERE??!! Of course, where else is more exciting than the vajayjay...?

  21. Speaking of unicorns and Lady Gaga videos, there is FO REALZ a glittery, sparkly unicorn in the new LG video. I thought of you immediately. Though I did not see any petrified pentagon biscuits, I happen to be a unicorn specialist and can assure you that Gaga's glittercorn eats them daily. And vodka, lots of vodka.

  22. Franco - really?! I must get to youtube immediately! Mmmhhh... saucy and vajazzled unicorns.

  23. The video is also full of implied vajayjays.

    And... we've come full circle!